My family stresses me out.
2020yesyouwill2020
Posts: 115 Member
And I want to get over it but instead I eat. Anyone else have a sibling that you just want to cut out of your life but can't? How did you deal? I feel like a hateful person but I cannot stand my sibling and I wish he'd get his *kitten* together.
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Replies
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Do you live with him?
I had to go nearly no-contact for a lot of years with one immediate family member.
In time I understood she wasn't going to change and I just had to find other ways to deal with my emotions surrounding her behavior.
I assume you're just yelling this out into the world, and don't really want solutions since you haven't given any details.
But, yeah. Most people have to deal with problematic family members.1 -
Normal family stuff. I am 63 years old. I have six younger siblings. Thought we'd have grown out of it by now. But no. Sometimes we act like we're still 8 years old- LOL. There is always SOME drama going on with SOMEBODY....
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Yeah I feel bad trash talking my brother to random people but I have to vent because I feel so horrible about cutting him off. I moved him closer to me to help kick start his life after a divorce and it's been constant care for him. He has had so many opportunities and he just keeps relying on me instead of taking care of himself and kids. He moved his friend in with him and now he's moving a girl in too. It stresses me out. It's none of my business but he's right on the line of losong his job, no car, and I know when *kitten* really hits the fan it's on me. Again.3
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I am 49. My local bother is 58. Our dad is 85 and in hospital. J is behaving like I am still 5 and can't help make decisions but I am also supposed to listen when he doesn't like the results of his decisions. It's not cool, but it won't last forever.
Walk the stress off instead of eating it. It's better for you. Talk it out of you can. Smile and nod if you can't. (This is round 4, J and I can't talk this out. I just stopped fighting with him.)3 -
What do you mean it's none of your business? He's moving people into your property. You should be able to legally kick him and/or the others out. otherwise give him a timeline - get his act together in X months, or he leaves. He knows he can do what he's doing now because you're around. Take care of yourself first.3
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She helped him moved closer ... no indication it's on her property.
Just cut the cord... tell him you're done.1 -
Yeah, I agree. He's a grown man, let him live with the consequences of his own choices.
It's not your job to "help" and it just makes him dependent.2 -
SicklyMixed wrote: »And I want to get over it but instead I eat. Anyone else have a sibling that you just want to cut out of your life but can't? How did you deal? I feel like a hateful person but I cannot stand my sibling and I wish he'd get his *kitten* together.
Welcome to real life. We all have challenges of this nature. You have to think about you and decide if you are going to let someone else dictate your path in life. Emotional eating is the worst and probably the hardest thing to control. I have to tell myself every day that I am the one in control, by taking a deep breath and letting it go. It's never easy though.0 -
You need to get past the idea that you are trapped.
There’s a middle way. Just refuse to bail him out any more. Give him fair warning (30 days).
He can still have your love and care - by appointment - over dinner - his treat.
If he is spoiled beyond recovery he’ll disappear. If he does, consider it a win.2 -
Assuming he is an adult capable of independent living since he appears to have been married, had kids and been employed-
Learn to let go. Point him to therapy or other help that is not you and let him figure out his life. You don't have to fix his life for him.
Maybe go to therapy yourself to help you set healthy boundaries and work out your emotions.
I have not actually spoken to my siblings in over a year.2 -
He doesn't live on my property, he lives a few spots down from me. I told him I would not give him rides without gas money and that he needs to call someone other than me. He went to Vegas and married that girl. Texted me asking for a ride from the airport. I want to punch him in the face. He has no money again but went and got *kitten* married? I swear to *kitten* God. I have a 7 yr old son and when my night baby sitter is unavailable I send my son to my brother's, even though I hate doing that, it's better than him being at home alone. But honestly, I want to cut him 100 percent out of my life. I can't believe he basically just gave me another huge *kitten* you. Just five ever loving dollars for gas but instead he goes and gets married? I swear to *kitten* God I am livid. I hate my brother. I absolutely hate that lying piece of *kitten*.0
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It's the kids, right? You're worried that abandoning your brother might cause them hardship. I don't have any solutions, I wish I did. I was in a similar situation for a lot of years and looking back I can see where I could have made different choices, but I can also recall vividly the feeling of being trapped. So just sending hugs. Time will pass, no matter how you handle it, and eventually everyone will move on with their lives, however everything pans out.0
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I do feel trapped. I want this type of relationship with my brother that I don't believe I will ever have. I love his children. I love the idea of us going camping as a huge family or renting a van or cooking together and having a meal together since we live so closely. I work nights and to pay a sitter is so expensive. He was supposed to be my ally and we were supposed to help each other. It's just me helping him. And I know if I stop helping him I will suffer at work because I don't have another person who can watch my son for me, and really taking my son there doesn't count as supervision. I just like the idea of him sleeping in a house with an adult. I could lean harder on my sitter but she has a life too and will be moving out of town soon. Since she's a friend I pay so little for her to watch him but it just makes me feel better. Sunday is coming and I know my brother has no way to work. He's going to rely on me like he always does, for a ride, for tools. I just want to barf.3
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But instead I keep eating. Every time I wake up it's a cookie or fries or a wrap. I'm not even hungry I just have to put food in my mouth. I feel so out of control over the stress.3
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And the eating makes it a snow ball. I struggle with the want to purge but it's been years since I've done that. I just need to find another sitter, pay what I must, and then literally watch my brother lose his job. *kitten* *kitten*.2
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Easier said than done. You need to separate your issues with food. From your issues with your brother. He has to learn to deal with his issues that he causes. And you must quit being an enabler for him. His life, his decisions. Yes it is hard, and yes I have a sibling that is like this. He is older than me, but I got to point and said you create your issues you deal with them. We had that fun conversation about 19 years ago. We still talk just not much, and do not live close to each other, still in same state.
When I was truly ready to deal with my food issues, as in stuffing my face and being obese and time for change. I literally made a written list for all the reasons I needed to do so. I still have the list and in weak moments review it. It has helped me stay on course. I read somewhere when people write down all of the reasons for why they want/should lose weight. And review ongoing, they are more likely to keep working on it. Good Luck.2 -
SicklyMixed wrote: »And I want to get over it but instead I eat. Anyone else have a sibling that you just want to cut out of your life but can't? How did you deal? I feel like a hateful person but I cannot stand my sibling and I wish he'd get his *kitten* together.
I cut two of my sisters out of my life because they were both starting drama and trying to cause trouble for me and Im the kind of person I keep to myself. I had to cut my mom out of my life for the same reasons,as well as treating my kids like garbage all the time. so why cant you cut them out of your life? you are an adult correct?
stop caring for him and enabling him and give him an ultimatum sometimes you just have to say no and put your foot down. if hes an adult he needs to learn to sink or swim on his own. if he has no way to work he has two feet. he can walk and if its too far he needs to find something closer. find a sitter or daycare or something for your son. you dont want him around that drama trust me. They have something called care.com where you can look for legit sitters. try that and see what happens. you are NOT responsible for your brother so if he loses his job sure hes going to blame you but its his responsibility to get himself there.
if he cant help pay for gas then he can figure things out on his own.my sister has it hard and she struggles having 3 kids and a boyfriend who wont work(whole other story) and she has never ONCE asked me for money to get to work,or anything else.she figures it out on her own. if she can do it with 3 kids your brother can and his new wife needs to get out and work too if thats the case
one you get the stress out of your life you will feel a whole lot better. you get no where in life expecting others to take care of you.you have to be an adult and put on your big girl panties and let him figure it out for himself. if he cant make it on his own its HIS fault and not yours.you cant do this forever and its not showing your son how to be responsible either. hes going to think its ok to rely on others to do for him when hes older.1 -
I'm not obese but I am overweight. The emotional stress of it all is what hurts the most. I feel alone in this. I reach out to my dad and he says to be patient and my brother has it so hard but I have it hard too. Just because I'm thriving doesn't mean my life is easy. It's an easier life because I take care of my *kitten*. I learned not to rely on other people and it's pretty lonely. I made the mistake of picking night shift thinking my brother would get his act together. Now I have to figure out how to fix it. And it seems like a big thing but I know my job will work with me. I know my friend will make her best effort to help me until I go back to days. And hopefully things will heal with my brother in a few years. It's just a lot to process in the now. Eating poorly for a few days won't ruin my success. You're right about big girl panties but the pain, guilt, emotional exhaustion that goes with putting my big girl panties on, that's still a big pill for me to swallow. I hated cutting my dad out of my life, but it did wonders for our relationship and healed so much quicker than I had imagined. Cutting people off is very painful, it used to be easier when I was a master of numbing my emotions but when they would bleed out I was a wreck for days. I want to go through this in as healthily as a way that I can but it's hard. I keep saying I'm going to meet with a counselor or therapist but I never call in. Maybe this new year will be the year I finally get therapy. I think the big gust issue is I feel like I am living in my childhood again and I've made helluva effort to release myself from it. Thanks for the input from all of you. I had to vent.2
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SicklyMixed wrote: »I'm not obese but I am overweight. The emotional stress of it all is what hurts the most. I feel alone in this. I reach out to my dad and he says to be patient and my brother has it so hard but I have it hard too. Just because I'm thriving doesn't mean my life is easy. It's an easier life because I take care of my *kitten*. I learned not to rely on other people and it's pretty lonely. I made the mistake of picking night shift thinking my brother would get his act together. Now I have to figure out how to fix it. And it seems like a big thing but I know my job will work with me. I know my friend will make her best effort to help me until I go back to days. And hopefully things will heal with my brother in a few years. It's just a lot to process in the now. Eating poorly for a few days won't ruin my success. You're right about big girl panties but the pain, guilt, emotional exhaustion that goes with putting my big girl panties on, that's still a big pill for me to swallow. I hated cutting my dad out of my life, but it did wonders for our relationship and healed so much quicker than I had imagined. Cutting people off is very painful, it used to be easier when I was a master of numbing my emotions but when they would bleed out I was a wreck for days. I want to go through this in as healthily as a way that I can but it's hard. I keep saying I'm going to meet with a counselor or therapist but I never call in. Maybe this new year will be the year I finally get therapy. I think the big gust issue is I feel like I am living in my childhood again and I've made helluva effort to release myself from it. Thanks for the input from all of you. I had to vent.
you have to live for YOU and your son and no one else. you arent alone there are people here who have been through it and understand. you should feel no guilt for helping them out,they should feel guilty for taking advantage of you. you cannot keep enabling his behavior or its just going to keep eating at you and causing you stress. as for seeing someone call them monday and get something set up asap. you need to take steps to ensure your well being and mental stability. your dad also needs to be made to understand that his grandchild needs to come first in your life and not your brother. you cant wait until he gets his crap together. the more people enable him the more hes going to take advantage and he will never change. he has a wife now and his focus should be on the both of them and bettering themselves. hes not doing it relying on you.
why doesnt he have a car? why doesnt his wife?2 -
He literally got married yesterday. He doesn't have a car because he's an *kitten* who spent his tax return on a gaming computer. My fiance sold him his old beat up car for 250 bucks and asked him to out it in his name when he could. We got rain last week and he drove it through a flooded out creek on the way to work. Hydrolocked the engine and probably bent rods. He did pay us back to tow him so that was cool.0
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And I would be fine driving him if he paid gas money. For the longest time he never offered me gas money until one day I was like dude I don't even work the same shift as you. I work the opposite shift now. Put gas in my car if you borrow it. He told me he spent his last 15 dollars putting gas in my car to pay me back from last week. So then that's strange, I'm sure it cost money to get married in Vegas.2
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Which he did after he borrowed my car to get to the airport1
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It's like one *kitten* lie after another. I see my dad and his siblings and how they can't stand each other and thought it was weird. Same with my grandparents. I can't believe the people I grew up with are not my best allies but bums.1
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SicklyMixed wrote: »I'm not obese but I am overweight. The emotional stress of it all is what hurts the most. I feel alone in this. I reach out to my dad and he says to be patient and my brother has it so hard but I have it hard too. Just because I'm thriving doesn't mean my life is easy. It's an easier life because I take care of my *kitten*. I learned not to rely on other people and it's pretty lonely. I made the mistake of picking night shift thinking my brother would get his act together. Now I have to figure out how to fix it. And it seems like a big thing but I know my job will work with me. I know my friend will make her best effort to help me until I go back to days. And hopefully things will heal with my brother in a few years. It's just a lot to process in the now. Eating poorly for a few days won't ruin my success. You're right about big girl panties but the pain, guilt, emotional exhaustion that goes with putting my big girl panties on, that's still a big pill for me to swallow. I hated cutting my dad out of my life, but it did wonders for our relationship and healed so much quicker than I had imagined. Cutting people off is very painful, it used to be easier when I was a master of numbing my emotions but when they would bleed out I was a wreck for days. I want to go through this in as healthily as a way that I can but it's hard. I keep saying I'm going to meet with a counselor or therapist but I never call in. Maybe this new year will be the year I finally get therapy. I think the big gust issue is I feel like I am living in my childhood again and I've made helluva effort to release myself from it. Thanks for the input from all of you. I had to vent.
When I finally decided to go for counseling it was because I was in so much emotional pain that I just had to believe that whatever pain I had to walk through to get to the other side had to be better than where I was standing. I wish I had done it about 20 years ago.7 -
You can't choose your family. All you can do is grow up ..get out.. and put up boundries.
IN the meantime, all i can tell you is my husband's brother worked to ruin his young life and make him miserable at home.
Why let a person like that actually be successful? Don't let a troubled or jealouse sibling keep you from achieveing your goals. Try not to let him/her bother you.. limit your exposure to them.. it won't always be like this, that's what is wonderful about being an adult.1 -
Girl my family stresses me the eff out also. I stress eat big time, when my husband pisses me off guess what I do...you got it, I go for the sweets. Family stress is normal. It is finding out how to cope with them that makes the difference. I have learned to remove me from stressful situations. When I do get stressed I get away and will go on a walk, go to a friends house or do something to get my mind off what is going on.1
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It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.2
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Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.0 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.2 -
Yes my mother was an alcoholic and she passed away from complications due to alcoholism when I was 16. She was functional and fun most of the time, but the memories of her passed out so hadn't be almost 20 years later. I told him I was angry and that I was done with helping him in anyway. He doesn't respond with anger but says he has a right to choose his happiness. That he thought he could do both, marry her and still rely on me to help him get to where he needs to be. What I've been doing for almost 2 years. I guess it makes it easier that he insert mad with me. But he does this all the time. When he first moved out we, my fiance actually, bought him a new TV for his place. Instead of waiting 1 day for it to ship, he rented a moving van, bought a TV, and moved in. When I asked why he was flat broke after payday he confessed he bought a TV until his new TV would get here, andexpected new to take him to return it once the TV arrived. He couldn't understand why I'd mad with him.0
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