My family stresses me out.
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And I would be fine driving him if he paid gas money. For the longest time he never offered me gas money until one day I was like dude I don't even work the same shift as you. I work the opposite shift now. Put gas in my car if you borrow it. He told me he spent his last 15 dollars putting gas in my car to pay me back from last week. So then that's strange, I'm sure it cost money to get married in Vegas.2
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Which he did after he borrowed my car to get to the airport1
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It's like one *kitten* lie after another. I see my dad and his siblings and how they can't stand each other and thought it was weird. Same with my grandparents. I can't believe the people I grew up with are not my best allies but bums.1
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SicklyMixed wrote: »I'm not obese but I am overweight. The emotional stress of it all is what hurts the most. I feel alone in this. I reach out to my dad and he says to be patient and my brother has it so hard but I have it hard too. Just because I'm thriving doesn't mean my life is easy. It's an easier life because I take care of my *kitten*. I learned not to rely on other people and it's pretty lonely. I made the mistake of picking night shift thinking my brother would get his act together. Now I have to figure out how to fix it. And it seems like a big thing but I know my job will work with me. I know my friend will make her best effort to help me until I go back to days. And hopefully things will heal with my brother in a few years. It's just a lot to process in the now. Eating poorly for a few days won't ruin my success. You're right about big girl panties but the pain, guilt, emotional exhaustion that goes with putting my big girl panties on, that's still a big pill for me to swallow. I hated cutting my dad out of my life, but it did wonders for our relationship and healed so much quicker than I had imagined. Cutting people off is very painful, it used to be easier when I was a master of numbing my emotions but when they would bleed out I was a wreck for days. I want to go through this in as healthily as a way that I can but it's hard. I keep saying I'm going to meet with a counselor or therapist but I never call in. Maybe this new year will be the year I finally get therapy. I think the big gust issue is I feel like I am living in my childhood again and I've made helluva effort to release myself from it. Thanks for the input from all of you. I had to vent.
When I finally decided to go for counseling it was because I was in so much emotional pain that I just had to believe that whatever pain I had to walk through to get to the other side had to be better than where I was standing. I wish I had done it about 20 years ago.7 -
You can't choose your family. All you can do is grow up ..get out.. and put up boundries.
IN the meantime, all i can tell you is my husband's brother worked to ruin his young life and make him miserable at home.
Why let a person like that actually be successful? Don't let a troubled or jealouse sibling keep you from achieveing your goals. Try not to let him/her bother you.. limit your exposure to them.. it won't always be like this, that's what is wonderful about being an adult.1 -
Girl my family stresses me the eff out also. I stress eat big time, when my husband pisses me off guess what I do...you got it, I go for the sweets. Family stress is normal. It is finding out how to cope with them that makes the difference. I have learned to remove me from stressful situations. When I do get stressed I get away and will go on a walk, go to a friends house or do something to get my mind off what is going on.1
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It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.2
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Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.0 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.2 -
Yes my mother was an alcoholic and she passed away from complications due to alcoholism when I was 16. She was functional and fun most of the time, but the memories of her passed out so hadn't be almost 20 years later. I told him I was angry and that I was done with helping him in anyway. He doesn't respond with anger but says he has a right to choose his happiness. That he thought he could do both, marry her and still rely on me to help him get to where he needs to be. What I've been doing for almost 2 years. I guess it makes it easier that he insert mad with me. But he does this all the time. When he first moved out we, my fiance actually, bought him a new TV for his place. Instead of waiting 1 day for it to ship, he rented a moving van, bought a TV, and moved in. When I asked why he was flat broke after payday he confessed he bought a TV until his new TV would get here, andexpected new to take him to return it once the TV arrived. He couldn't understand why I'd mad with him.0
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I need to go on and on.... But I shouldn't0
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It sounds to me like your brother might also have a drink or drug problem?1
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You need to get past the idea that you are trapped.
He can still have your love and care - by appointment - over dinner - his treat.
This.
Borrow or beg to get your kid cared for, and start hunting up another job. Don’t just tell us your plight, tell people around you, and your co-workers. Maybe a woman on another shift can trade you child care. Maybe an elderly neighbor would love the company of s child. Tell your boss you must have a different shift, or she/he will lose you.
Be comfortable asking for and accepting help. It sounds like you are used to being the one giving help. Right now, that needs to change. Just like the oxygen masks on the airplane - help yourself first, then, and only then, you can help others.
It sounds like this might not be the time for dieting. Just log, and try for healthy food choices and no more gain. You have a lot going on. One thing at a time. It will be much, much easier to lose weight once you set solid boundaries for your relationships, and get your son’s care settled.
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You haven't said, what resources does the wife bring to the table? She is his wife now, he's her problem, not yours. She needs to lend him HER car, or if neither of them have a car, one of them needs to get a car. She doesn't have five bucks for gas money either? Why not, what is her job? You can't become the parent of two adults. You also can't continue to talk about the woman your brother is married to as if she was an accident. She's his family now, he and she need to figure their stuff out together, without your help.
Anyway, regardless of what happens with your brother, him acting the fool doesn't mean you have to eat. Find other ways to relieve stress. I had a friend with a very problematic family who had a photo of a beautiful garden, and when her family drove her nuts she would meditate with the picture and imagine herself in the garden. Working out is also a good stress buster.
Hey, I have family members who are mentally ill and institutionalized! My sister once set her neighbor's house on fire because she thought her neighbor was an alien spy! Just because the people around you are acting crazy doesn't mean you have to. You can't control your brother. Work on you.7 -
cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.
the police may not know,unless he was arrested for say a DUI/DWI or something else where he was cited or arrested for it, but the DMV should. but not sure if they would give out that info or not to be honest.0 -
He doesn't have a drug problem! It's crazy. The driving my car part is when I'm just way too tired from working nights to wake up early enough to go get him and do all of my motherly chores before I depart for work. Everything is settled now. I reached out to my friend who watches him occasionally for me and she said no matter what she will be there for me. So a little more than 2 months and I won't have to inconvenience her and my stress will go way down. My brother has offered to still let my son stay there but I can't be around my brother at all and again, greatly dislike leaving him there. His new wife is an old childhood friend of mine and I accept her into the family completely. Under other circumstances I would be thrilled to have her here. To mooch off of me also? Not so thrilled. My brother offered to pay me when he gets paid but my biggest quarrel is I told him don't bother calling me. You have 2 people living with you now, you're making adult decisions, you can find a way from the airport, I'll be asleep. Of course at 10 the night before he's asking me to get them the next day. And I'm just looking at the text, dumb founded. My fiance showed me the FB update that he got married and I was like nah that's a joke, he wouldn't waste his money on that right now to someone hes been talking to online for 4 months. I told them it was a joke when I picked them up and they both just looked at me like I was stupid. That was the line. I feel much better. He said he's not upset with me and understands. Good for him. I'm still super hateful right now but that's on me for letting it happen for so long and trusting him to do right. He believes he is. So he can do it on his own time. So yeah, the waters are settling down but in the moment yesterday I couldn't handle it. I just wanted to scream but what type of welcome home is that to a newly wed?3
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CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.
the police may not know,unless he was arrested for say a DUI/DWI or something else where he was cited or arrested for it, but the DMV should. but not sure if they would give out that info or not to be honest.
When I had an issue the police told me. A valid DL is public record.0 -
cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.
the police may not know,unless he was arrested for say a DUI/DWI or something else where he was cited or arrested for it, but the DMV should. but not sure if they would give out that info or not to be honest.
When I had an issue the police told me. A valid DL is public record.
huh if you call the police here they will tell you that you have to contact the DMV. as they dont keep those records in their database but they can run throught the DMV database (being police and all) and see if someone has a license. but they dont just willingly give out that info here. it must vary state to state.1 -
It's best to not be around those "triggers" if you're able to live on your own/by yourself. I have family that I cannot be around period because they are solely negative each time I'm around them. They deplete my spirit & energy. They may talk crap about me & try to make me feel worse by saying how I'm weird because of it or something else negative but that's the way it goes. It's depressing to have no support system around me but this is why I'm here. Also, I know I have to learn to do this without them.2
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SicklyMixed wrote: »I need to go on and on.... But I shouldn't
Actually, instead of 'on and on' you might try Al-Anon.
Or anything that will allow you to figure out a healthier way to manage this relationship. Because [almost] worse than the harm you are doing to yourself is the harm you are doing to him by allowing him to avoid having to become responsible for his actions.
Doing this would also force you to examine why you feel it's so important to infantalize him by facilitating his bad behaviors. I should warn you that this could be painful. As could the consequence of changing.
Your other option is to continue with things the way they are. Which may be the decision you make. But, then, having made that decision, best to live with it and stop complaining about it.
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