My boss and others basically called me fat and it feels weird

Losingthedamnweight
Losingthedamnweight Posts: 536 Member
edited November 29 in Health and Weight Loss
Ugh. I just feel so mentally defeated right now. I fell into a bit of a depression over the last year and gained a bunch of weight. My depression is mostly gone but I did gain a bunch of weight and I’ve just recently gotten back on the wagon to losing it all again (hopefully for the last time)

The past week one of my clients mentioned how it “looks like I’ve put on some weight”. And my boss just randomly came down to make small talk and out of nowhere says the same thing. “Wow you’ve put on a lot of weight” and then just kinda stared at me awkwardly putting me on the spot. I didn’t know what to say. Like I’m going to get into a long conversation with people I don’t know about everything I’ve been through the past year?

It just feels weird. And the boss that came down has a past of being very judge mental and just calling people fat and ugly, so when she came down and said it “looks like I’ve put on weight”, I didn’t take it as it was from someone that was concerned about me.

All this just kinda put me in a sad mood. My thoughts automatically went to “maybe I should just not eat for awhile” and I’m just feeling like a bit of a failure.

What am I supposed to do? I’m at work with 11 hours left in my shift feeling like a fat loser everybody is talking about
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Replies

  • Cbean08
    Cbean08 Posts: 1,092 Member
    If he able to comment on your weight in such a careless manner, then he probably doesn't care much. Some people just say stuff and there's a good chance he has forgotten by now. If it was something he cared about or was concerned about, he probably would have said it in a different manner. It was definitely rude, but I wouldn't give it much thought.
  • missysippy930
    missysippy930 Posts: 2,577 Member
    There’s not much you can do about a clients thoughtless, rude comment, but it’s totally unacceptable for your boss and should be reported to HR. You stated she has made comments about others as well and that is something HR should be made aware of. People skills are something bosses need for interacting with employees they supervise. Shame on her. That’s bullying.
    I am sorry this happened to you. You have lost weight before, you can do it again! Forge ahead and know that you are worthy of kindness and respect. Try not to let juvenile comments from adults make you feel bad. You are a much better person than they.
  • dewit
    dewit Posts: 1,468 Member
    Some very good comments above! I might repeat something being said, I haven't read all of 'em.

    1. You're working on it, no need to feel down. You we ahead of them to notice it :wink: Keep up the good work and commitment!
    2. One day you've "put on weight", the next day it will be "are you okay? You seemed to have lost a lot of weight recently, is all well? Some health concerns you feel like sharing?"
    3. Put them on "ignore" and think of things you're grateful for instead! Think of what you've accomplished, of people who love you and so on! Lots to be thankful for and happy about.

    Good luck! :flowerforyou:
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    JBanx256 wrote: »
    IMO - how does this fit into the culture of your workplace?

    I've worked in places that are super-PC and the very thought of something like that would have sent HR into a tailspin. Where I work now though, everyone is thick-skinned and we give each other absolute hell on a daily basis (note: I'm FAR closer to these guys than I've ever been with any other coworkers. These guys are my ride-or-die's, literally) and it would take something FAR beyond the pale for HR to even raise an eyebrow.

    If your workplace environment is one of general joking and smack-talking, a little good-natured ribbing is the the norm, then your boss probably didn't mean anything by it and didn't have the slightest clue how it would impact you. Try to step back and observe, as objectively as possible, how your boss interacts with others. Not saying that makes it RIGHT, obviously, but if everyone kinda pals around and says derogatory things to each other without any ill intent, take it with a grain of salt. You can still talk to HR about it and ask that everyone tone it down a notch, but at least you may realize it wasn't a personal attack and no harm was meant by it.

    Good point about workplace culture. This would have been completely normal when I was in the military and completely unacceptable when I worked at a liberal arts college.
  • neugebauer52
    neugebauer52 Posts: 1,120 Member
    I like the positive approach (as above) - take the wind out of their sails: "yes, you are right and I am feeling very well, thank you!" Or: "That's what happiness feels, it's all about balance in life!" Then let them look stupid and walk away.
  • vollkornbloedchen
    vollkornbloedchen Posts: 2,243 Member
    AnvilHead wrote: »
    Next time somebody makes a comment like that, just say "Yep, I'm working on it" and walk away. You don't owe them any explanation. Or if you want to cut a little deeper, say "Yeah, I'm fat but I can lose weight....but you'll always be a rude *kitten*".

    Basically it boils down to a solution like suggested by @AnvilHead

    Some people have the empathic capabilities of granite ... these are the same people that (after you lost your share of lbs) will feel entitled to tell you that now you are looking sick and you should stop losing weight immediately.

    Best is not to care about this.
    Smile, turn around, roll eyes (NEVER mix up this sorting!)

  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,458 Member
    I agree with, "What people think of me is none of my business." But not in business. I mean, that particular little phrase has helped me so many times in life but if my boss said that, I would have to go back and say, "That was inappropriate for you to say." And I would stare right at her until she backtracked. If she didn't, then that tells you exactly who you are dealing with and it's not nice at all - but it's also all about her and her inability to manage people. I don't know if I'd take it to HR. I tend to just look for another job if I'm under someone who can't/won't apologize when confronted.

    In my opinion it's never okay to comment on someone's body in any way. So I don't. Unfortunately other people have to learn to use their filters - and I don't really think that's gonna happen in my lifetime. People are really insensitive.

    With that said, a coworker calling me a fat @ss helped kick me into gear to lose the weight, (after I got over wanting to pour water on her head) so there's that. :) Sometimes I need the tough talk, sometimes I really need a little more sensitivity. I don't always know which I need, and generally find I need both in equal measure. Regardless, if I go looking for a resentment I'll definitely find that.

  • amberellen12
    amberellen12 Posts: 248 Member
    That’s bullying!

    Next time tell her that or, being me, I’d say “WTF! and you are ugly on the inside.” Usually if you call a bully on their behaviour they stop.
  • NewLIFEstyle4ME
    NewLIFEstyle4ME Posts: 4,440 Member
    edited November 2018
    I didn't read the other comments yet, so hopefully this isn't a repeat of what someone has already said. That said, my daddy used to ALWAYS tell me to remember: "Misery LOVES company". I didn't understand fully what he meant back then, but I do now. Miserable people LOVE to make other people miserable--they LOVE IT and LIVE for it too >:) , that's how they not only "get-down" but they actually "feed" off of the hurt, confusion, anger and yuck they provide to others. They "get-off" on it and DEPEND on their words, actions and ways of thinking and living to "get to you", to throw you off balance and just plain make you sad, mad and feel bad. So....MAKE YOURSELF LAUGH AT THEM INSTEAD. MAKE yourself see that you are not dealing with an "ordinary person" you are dealing with a two legged monster, a wizard of oz, so to speak and if you make yourself see behind the curtain of their lives...you would actually ALMOST feel sorry for them That said, DO NOT EVER feel sorry for "energy/life" vampires/monsters. LAUGH inside and even outside at them.

    Just imagine this--your "boss and others" makes a comment about how much weight you're gaining and instead of "allowing" them to "get (to) you" you give a sincere and hearty laugh instead--laughing because you "see" the true/real them and you ain't falling for their yuck. Just imagine how your laughing would absolutely destroy their efforts to sap your joy and well being. IF you from this day forth, CHOOSE to laugh at "devils" instead of cry how powerful and so much stronger you will become. DON"T allow the old lie/trick of "well, what this/these monsters are saying about me is true" business to trick you into falling into their abusive game. AGREE with them and then say/think/believe that even though what they've said is TRUE, they do not/will not have your best interest at heart with their "truth" so LAUGH at them, because you're growing wise enough to recognize the >:) and NO LONGER, NOT ANOTHER second give ANY of your time/life/thoughts/feelings/emotions/heart over to them ever again.

    Lastly, another thing that blows these type of YUCK people away is being kind to them, instead of hating them (because that's what they want and need--your ENERGY of anger, sadness, confusion and woe from you), because hate, anger, wrath, self-pity makes you weaker and they love that. Laughing at them and being kind makes you STRONGER and they will hate that and perhaps even eventually leave you all the way alone--knowing you are stronger, wiser, cooler then them--BOOM! That's the (or a) ticket for deals like this.

    {{{{{ <3<3 H o:) GS <3<3 }}}}}}}
  • mlsh69
    mlsh69 Posts: 31 Member
    Pardon my crudeness, but F them. Theyre douche bags. U seem like a cool person. Who cares what they think. U will look great soon, just keep that in mind
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    edited November 2018
    That was very rude for your boss and client to say to you. I suspect if you were female they may not have made those comments. I could be dead wrong. But I think some people are more likely to comment on a guy gaining weight because to a lot of people it's no big deal for a guy to put on pounds but pretty much the end of the world if a woman does. And comments like that "don't hurt guys" in the same way...they think. Of course that is not true. But many people think that way in my experience, as ridiculous as it is. My husband has gained and lost weight a lot in his life, and I know some guys (especially older, 50s-60s) say things openly to him like "wow you found that weight you lost". I don't see any woman of any age saying that to me if I regained some weight...I just think they would double think it and not say anything!

    Try to let it go and focus on your goals. Like you said, you're on the wagon to losing it, and MFP is a great tool for that. I know exactly what you mean about that thought "maybe I just shouldn't eat for awhile" - that is NOT the answer and it's not a positive, healthy thing to do. It sounds like you care more about your own wellbeing than to do something like that, I certainly hope so.

    A long time ago when I was at my heaviest and heard about horrible, rude things a (also heavy) lady at work was saying behind my back, I had the same thoughts...I would end up bringing only cucumbers and carrots for lunch and then leaving work and going straight to get a latte, cheeseburger, or both on my drive home...it was silly and unhealthy of me to do that. It was none of her dang business how much I weighed and I did not have to answer to her, or anyone except myself.
  • jean133mjg
    jean133mjg Posts: 133 Member
    Your boss may have been just told the very same thing from someone else and wanted another person to feel as bad about themselves as she then did. Hurting other people seems to make hurting people feel better in some odd way. Never mind her comment as nothing more than how a rude person lives. Don't let her lower your self-esteem. You do you.
  • jean133mjg
    jean133mjg Posts: 133 Member
    Once you've lost your weight, you could then tell your boss that you have some clothes that are now too big and was wondering if she would like them. Maybe she'll understand the jab and leave you alone.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,333 Member
    Be strong don't be weak or act like a victim. Never let other people's rude behavior define your day or you.
    Lose the weight for yourself. Sounds like they have manner problems and it is sad to think a boss or client would talk to anyone like that. Feel lucky you aren't them.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    I'm really sorry you've had to deal with depression. I suffer from it as well, but have been able to find the right meds to help. If you haven't been to a doctor yet to discuss your depression, I really recommend it. I totally get that it can mess with your weight, and you should never feel pressured to disclose your depression, regardless of what it may have caused.

    On to the next point - some people are going to talk about your weight. They'll talk about it when it goes up, they'll talk about it when it goes down. It's never really fun (for me, even when they congratulate me on weight loss - I don't really like it - I'm just so much more than my weight). It really, really blows, and honestly, says almost nothing about you other than what one of your many physical attributes are (it's the same thing as "your hair has grown" - it's just that society has put this weird stigma regarding weight as opposed to other attributes, like hair length). If it really bothers you - I'd address it. Something as simple as "hey, as a coworker, maybe you shouldn't comment on my body" isn't a bad place to start. Beyond being called fat hurting (although, it really shouldn't hurt - again, it's just a descriptor, but we have put all this emphasis on fat being terrible, when the truth is that sometimes it happens - bodies change and fluctuate - but that's a different topic), it's also super inappropriate in the workplace setting. You just shouldn't comment on other people's bodies at work.
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