Working Mom and Unsupportive Husband - Gym Time vs Time with the Kids?

BusyBaer

I am really struggling with my husband lately. I have been working very hard to lose some weight after my latest pregnancy. My husband has been resentfully supportive of it the past 10 months. He will begrudgingly pick up two of three kids so I can attend a fitness class while bringing one along with me. He feels my gym time should not trump time with our 3 children, and thinks I should trim down or eliminate my gym time. We both work full time and the kids are in daycare. I add an extra hour to an extra hour and a half to their time at daycare by going to the gym, and I do it 5 days a week if feasible. Usually an appointment, meeting, or illness (my own or a child) will get me about 3-4 times a week.

It's hard enough to get to they gym all by itself, but now my husband is getting on my case. He tells me how my kids should be my top priority and I should be spending more time with them, making me feel so guilty. I am so discouraged, because the gym is the only place I actually get support and inspiration to reach my goals. I have a really good community there, and that community has done so much for both physically and emotionally. I really don't want to let it go I think it's the fuel to making me healthier and slimmer.

Does this make me a bad mom? A bad wife? I don't disagree with him, I would love to have more time with my kids, but I also want to be healthy, strong, and feel good about myself. How can I be the best mom and wife to them and still pursue losing weight?

Anyone else have a moral dilemma with losing weight and the cost their friends and family have to pay?

tiptoethruthetulips

No you are not a bad mother for wanting to be healthy and fit. You are a better mother for it, does he want an overweight, tired, stressed out, unhealthy, depressed mother for the children?

Is your husband missing out on anything by picking up the children, what would he be doing otherwise if you were there? How much time does he ordinarily spend with the children or does he think it is the mother's responsibility only to spend as much time as possible with the children?

leanjogreen18

You know how flight attendants say to put on your air mask before your children’s mask? It’s the same principle you have to be healthy to be there for your children long term.

Also quality over quantity. Make the time you do spend with your children premium time, give them 100% of your attention. If your husband sees that going to the gym improves your quality time with the kids he may change his mind.

TavistockToad

BusyBaer wrote: »

I am really struggling with my husband lately. I have been working very hard to lose some weight after my latest pregnancy. My husband has been resentfully supportive of it the past 10 months. He will begrudgingly pick up two of three kids so I can attend a fitness class while bringing one along with me. He feels my gym time should not trump time with our 3 children, and thinks I should trim down or eliminate my gym time. We both work full time and the kids are in daycare. I add an extra hour to an extra hour and a half to their time at daycare by going to the gym, and I do it 5 days a week if feasible. Usually an appointment, meeting, or illness (my own or a child) will get me about 3-4 times a week.

It's hard enough to get to they gym all by itself, but now my husband is getting on my case. He tells me how my kids should be my top priority and I should be spending more time with them, making me feel so guilty. I am so discouraged, because the gym is the only place I actually get support and inspiration to reach my goals. I have a really good community there, and that community has done so much for both physically and emotionally. I really don't want to let it go I think it's the fuel to making me healthier and slimmer.

Does this make me a bad mom? A bad wife? I don't disagree with him, I would love to have more time with my kids, but I also want to be healthy, strong, and feel good about myself. How can I be the best mom and wife to them and still pursue losing weight?

Anyone else have a moral dilemma with losing weight and the cost their friends and family have to pay?

does your husband have the equivalent time over the week away from you and the kids?

_aenyeweddien_

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like your husband simply wants to have more time to himself while you're looking after the kids....The time you spend in the gym could be a fun quality time he spends with children....Is he helping you at all with everyday chores? Is he supportive in any other area? Or is everything your responsibility? There's nothing wrong with trying to get healthy and fit, and you're definitely not a bad mom or wife and please don't let him make you believe that you are! I know it's a completely different situation but I used to be in a relationship with professional MMA fighter. I was working full time, travelling to work 1.5h one way, and going to the gym on top of that. I was doing all the cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping, and he wouldn't do anything, to the point he was waiting for me to get home from work to heat up the food that was already cooked, but it was too hard for him to put it on the plate and put in the microwave! He was never happy, and used to make me feel guilty about gym, going out for coffee with friends twice a month, or seeing my family once in a while. For no other reason but because it meant he had to do something himself. And I believed him, and felt like a terrible useless partner. My eyes didn't open until I met my current partner and now I see the previous one was simply abusing me mentally and emotionally. I'm just wondering if your situation is not similar.....

smolmaus

tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »

No you are not a bad mother for wanting to be healthy and fit. You are a better mother for it, does he want an overweight, tired, stressed out, unhealthy, depressed mother for the children?

Is your husband missing out on anything by picking up the children, what would he be doing otherwise if you were there? How much time does he ordinarily spend with the children or does he think it is the mother's responsibility only to spend as much time as possible with the children?

Same alarm bells going off for me.

BusyBaer wrote: »

Does this make me a bad mom? A bad wife? I don't disagree with him, I would love to have more time with my kids, but I also want to be healthy, strong, and feel good about myself. How can I be the best mom and wife to them and still pursue losing weight?

I think you're already doing the best thing you can do.

Birdie8185

He does not want to deal with the kids. Having young children takes a huge toll on a marriage. Right now, he is resentful that you get 4 hours a week (plus travel time) on something that makes you happy (it is hard, but you probably get home feeling better than usual), while he cannot play video games or whatever.

I would acknowledge how difficult it is for him to manage the kids, remind him how you need to be fit to take care of three kids, and offer to give him time each week that is responsibility free.

He also probably feels neglected. You are busy w the kids and work and working out. No advice there, as you are strapped for time.

6raham

I wont speak on your husbands behalf and the only way you will know how he is feeling is by speaking with him, I can however give example of what it is like from my own perspective, my wife and I have 3 kids 4, 6 and 14, we both work (I work three jobs and volunteer) my wife one job (nights twice / three times a week) and volunteers for our kids football club, this means we pass each other in the morning and may get to sit down and eat together once or twice during the week and maybe more at weekends. For my fitness routine to work I had to combine what I do with home so I workout at home when my wife is at work (either early morning or evening), this means I can fit it in within our busy schedules and when we both finally get to have free time we spend it together. Dont get me wrong there are loads of occassions when Im stressed out from work and how busy life is I dont want to have to take care of the kids and my wife is much much much better than I am at keeping sane but for a relationship to work with busy schedules try and find a way that you can be efficient, my way was to work out at home so I can still look after the kids when my wife goes to work, that way when we are both off we spend it together as a family.

88olds

Am I reading this right? Your gym time works out to be 5-7.5 hrs per week or less depending on other demands?

So that averages about 1 hr per day your own time. Is that right? If your house runs like ours did raising kids, when we were all home, my wife did most of the heavy lifting. It seemed like that’s how the kids were wired. Mom this and mom that, it only stopped at bed time. Then she had to deal with me.

If an hour a day to yourself keeps you sane, then no, its not unreasonable. How you prefer to spend your private time is your business. So that’s how I see it, do you get some time to yourself or not? Maybe he should get a better job. Maybe get a second job. You could quit working and be at home full time.

Keep_on_cardio

::coughs ((drop the husband)):: mentally fit!

No you’re not a bad mom! The problem is how your husband thinks and unfortunately you can’t change him. You can ignore his unsupportive comments. However that will be short lived, if he’s constantly in your ear saying such things.

I’d have a real conversation with him and get to the nit and grit of issues. There’s a daycare room, in gyms for a reason. There’s plenty of moms and dads, who Utilize placing their health and children as their priority. Do not be misled into feeling like a bad mother, You are not!

MikePTY

It is not the 1950s anymore. Childcare is a joint responsibility between the husband and the wife. Obviously there is only so many details we can glean from one post, but it sounds like he is resentful of having to take his half of the load. You deserve some time to yourself and you shouldn't feel like a bad mom or wife. It sounds like your husband needs to get his *kitten* together about being a better husband.

I would have a serious talk with him about how important the gym is to you, and how you don't feel supported by him and how he is harming you emotionally by making you feel like a bad wife and mother. If that doesn't end up being productive, I recommend you two look at counseling. have know it probably wouldn't seem ideal to schedule another activity that takes time away from the kids, but it's better for everyone if you two can get help working this out together.

BusyBaer

Thank you for your support and comments. I have done some soul searching and feel better knowing that my gym time is not unreasonable. My husband is an excellent father and does a lot to help around the house. And as some people suggested he might be resentful of not having his own time, or might feel neglected, or he might just not like having to pick up the slack that is left when I choose to spend time at the gym rather than at home. I feel like having a heart to heart will help get to the bottom of the conflict.

I agree with some of the posters and take to heart that the gym time makes me a better person and a better mother/wife. The cost/benefit of the time spent at the gym is probably well worth the extra time the kids spend at daycare. Not only does it make me healthier and happier mom, but I feel that the kids can also learn from my example as they witness the perseverance, confidence, and strength first hand.

I also really like the suggestion of quality over quantity. I know as kid I had a single mom who worked multiple jobs but I still feel she was a good parent because of the quality of time. She didn't have much time with but when she did she was fully engaged and I think I turned out okay. Perhaps, my husband can get a better perspective on this when we have a decent conversation.

I_am_the_Cosmos

I can only speak for myself, but I have three daughters (11, 8 and 3) and while my Wife is a stay at home Mom, if my wife wanted to get in shape and go to the gym I would just suck it up and spend the time with my monsters. As it is I wish I could get more time in, and my wife is nice enough to give me a one night out a week for band practice. I feel it behooves me to give her some time from those monsters: she's with them all day!

Not sure of the age of your children or all the scenarios with you and your husband, but I definitely think he needs to be more supportive. Personally, I'd love for my wife to get back to the gym and so forth (but that's a story for another day)

LZMiner

Coming at this from a different angle. It sounds like the hard part is WHEN you want to work out...That hour or so when you leave work/pick up kids/get home and try and do dinner/baths is ROUGH. It's also when kids are hungry and overstimulated and parents are at low-energy from working all day. What if you adjusted your workouts to be 2 or 3x a week in the morning, so one parent isn't dealing with the crazy hour at home? It won't be easy, because it's hard to get up early and work out, but it might take away the idea that you're not spending time with the kids and might make the evening routine smoother.

puffbrat

I'm adding another vote to talk with him about both of you getting child-free time. This was something my husband and I both struggled with and subsequently argued over. We ended up setting times each week for each of us to have child-free hours to exercise and do other self-care. They are marked on the calendar to hold us both accountable and eliminate surprises and resentment. That has helped tremendously.

tcunbeliever

You can't possibly take care of your kids if you don't first take care of yourself.

You exist as a person outside of motherhood, that is not your only value in the world.

That being said, change is hard for people, and it's not uncommon to get some resentment and insecurities expressed when people are change resistant. I suggest you talk. When the kids are not a distraction. Talk about how you want to be fit and how it's important to you that you set a good example of health FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

And give him a chance to express his concerns...he may be worried that you won't want him when you are smoking hot...he may just be having a hard time with his own stress level...or maybe he needs some time of his own away from parenthood and views this as you hogging all the free time.

Whatever it is, talk about it, and be fair, and if the discussion gets heated then table the discussion and take time to think about it and pick it back up. Fighting isn't going to solve it, but you can work it out if you two talk and compromise. Assuming he's at all reasonable. After all, he's a father, there's no reason you have to be the one caring for the kids all the time, you didn't make 'em without help, you shouldn't be raising them without help.

kbmnurse1

See ya!!!!!!!!!!!!

Celia0909

LZMiner wrote: »

Coming at this from a different angle. It sounds like the hard part is WHEN you want to work out...That hour or so when you leave work/pick up kids/get home and try and do dinner/baths is ROUGH. It's also when kids are hungry and overstimulated and parents are at low-energy from working all day. What if you adjusted your workouts to be 2 or 3x a week in the morning, so one parent isn't dealing with the crazy hour at home? It won't be easy, because it's hard to get up early and work out, but it might take away the idea that you're not spending time with the kids and might make the evening routine smoother.

Agree with this. I also work full time and don’t want to extend the kids daycare time do work out early morning.

Mendykiins

I agree with those that say that you need to take care of your health-physical and mental. That IS important and you're a great mom to take that time to yourself. I WILL say though, as someone that spent a summer working at a few day cares... don't make your kiddos spend more time there. There isn't much thriving at a daycare. It's rough, but if you can fit your gym time earlier or later in the evening when they're in bed or winding down, try that. Best wishes!

rikkejohnsenrij

No, you're not a bad mom for wanting to get fit.
But, I also think part of his problem is WHEN you exercise. A couple of years ago my husband had a fulltime job 90 minutes away from where we lived, so I was always the one to take kids to daycare and pick them up. I felt like I was a bad employee because I was never able to stay a bit extra for work...or do anything after work with my collegues.

Today we work at the same time. We more or less take turns on picking up kids. I work out a bit most days, but at very different hours, as my husband also go out some evenings - he's a scout leader. And this seems a lot better for everyone

Shenanigans38

You need that hour to yourself everyday and it's not too much to ask. Is it possible to start your day a little earlier and attend a gym close to home...put the hour on the front end while the kids sleep?

hesn92

No, you are not a bad mom. I used to feel guilty about it, but I realized I spend almost all my time either working, or taking care of other people. I cook dinner every night, I do bedtime, I get my kids up and ready in the morning, I wash everyone's clothes, I clean the house, I do all the meal planning and grocery shopping, and all the other shopping, I pay all the bills and I manage the budget. I keep mental track of all the things that need done, the appointments, extra curriculars etc. I am allowed to have a few hours to myself every week. Whether my husband liked it or not, I'm making time for my health.

suzievv

I have four children. I could never go to the gym that much and also take care of the children and the house. DH and I both work and take care of the kids and house, btw. Maybe your DH has some valid concerns. It’s easy to come onto the Internet and get support from strangers.

Do what you feel is best. If you decide to cut down on gym time, there are ways to exercise effectively at home with children around. I take walks with my children; dance with them; I’m currently starting to get my oldest involved in training with me for our first race. A lot of the time I exercise by myself, which they see, and that’s good for them too.

Whey125

LZMiner wrote: »

Coming at this from a different angle. It sounds like the hard part is WHEN you want to work out...That hour or so when you leave work/pick up kids/get home and try and do dinner/baths is ROUGH. It's also when kids are hungry and overstimulated and parents are at low-energy from working all day. What if you adjusted your workouts to be 2 or 3x a week in the morning, so one parent isn't dealing with the crazy hour at home? It won't be easy, because it's hard to get up early and work out, but it might take away the idea that you're not spending time with the kids and might make the evening routine smoother.

This. Have you thought about switching the time or alternating? I work out early in the morning before anyone is awake. This works for me as I have my time to workout and it doesn't impact much with family / chores time.

After work, DH and I will alternate or spending time with kids, chores, organising dinner or do it together. I can see my husband getting burnt out if he had to do that most days of the week.

Each family dynamic is different. Have an open conversation with him and come up with a suitable compromise.

CharlotteAnneUK

This is why I love my outdoor gym, they have family fitness sessions where parents bring their babies / young children, including the instructor. Everyone is friendly and supportive and all get a great workout. You should look for something like this near you.

Chef_Barbell

Have you spoken to him yet?

DjLap

I've felt guilty for making time for myself to exercise. I have a honey gym, over time my wife has realized that I'm in a better place mentally after I exercise. Hopefully your husband comes around. Besides, who doesn't want a wife that looks good.?

Bellavita32

You do you!!! My husband get's on my case to and my girl's are grown... Just jelly that's all...

BrettWithPKU

There a are a lot of ways the husband looks bad here.

One suggestion which may or may not be helpful here:
If the husband feels a need for some time to himself, I hear him because I feel similarly to him in my home situation.
Qualifying this by saying that my marriage and my relationship with my toddler couldn't be better; I work full-time, I get home and I spend the evening with the family, and my wife and I go to sleep relatively early (usually 9:30). No time in the evening, so how do I get my alone time?

Easy: I wake up at 4:30. Then I have 'me' time from the time I wake up until about 6:00, when I have to get ready for work.

Night owls and those who sleep in think a guy who gets up at 4:30 has a screw loose--and perhaps I do--but truly, what do you do with yourself at 11 p.m. that you couldn't do at 5 a.m.?

EDIT: Fixed where I said my relationships 'could couldn't' be better. They truly couldn't.

debrakgoogins

If you are healthy and happy, you are able to be a better mother and wife. Don't give that up but possibly be willing to compromise. Perhaps you could encourage the family as a whole to be more active. Can you incorporate some type of activity one day a week that is family oriented? Martial arts, indoor rock climbing, ice skating, bicycling, snow shoeing...there are many options that would allow you to still get a good workout but involve your family as well.

Honey5

Is there a gym near you that you can go an workout during lunch time? Spouses can be very unsupportive at times no matter what your goal is. Sometimes we just have to come up with creative work around a.