Working Mom and Unsupportive Husband - Gym Time vs Time with the Kids?

mom23mangos

debrakgoogins wrote: »

If you are healthy and happy, you are able to be a better mother and wife. Don't give that up but possibly be willing to compromise. Perhaps you could encourage the family as a whole to be more active. Can you incorporate some type of activity one day a week that is family oriented? Martial arts, indoor rock climbing, ice skating, bicycling, snow shoeing...there are many options that would allow you to still get a good workout but involve your family as well.

I love these suggestions. You are definitely not a bad mom for wanting to take care of yourself and have some time for just you. It's just really hard when the kids are little to find that happy balance. We don't know you and your husband's situation, so it's hard for us strangers to give helpful advice. But the advice of communication and compromise is really good. Other than lifting, probably most exercise could be done at home. I used to do all my upper body work at home because that can easily be done with body weight and light weights/resistance bands. Then I would only need to go to the gym twice a week for lower body work. One of those days can be on the weekend. So that would only leave one day a week the kids would need to stay late. Doing fun fitness stuff with the kids is a great way to get extra movement in. Walks/runs/bike rides. A bike trailer and/or jogging stroller might be good investments. Have a pajama dance party for 30min every night to tire them out. ((Hugs mama.)) They won't be little forever and you'll start to have more time to yourself before long.

jonjaxmom

When my boys were younger, I picked a gym that is open 24 hours. I would make sure the boys were settled in for the night, and then would go workout and do my workout 9-10 or 9:30-10:30 pm. Home, showered in bed by 11pm. Has worked for our family. My boys are older now, so now I have managed to make that 9pm gym time be at 7:30-8:30, as my guys (including my husband) can handle themselves after dinner before bed. My husband, though is very supportive. He wont do it himself, but is OK if I choose to do it for me.

fittnessing64

Keep_on_cardio wrote: »

::coughs ((drop the husband))::

I was going to say it...

You're definitely not a bad mother! You both are parents of your kids and he should be prioritizing the kids just as much as he expects you to. The whole point of having more than one parent around is so that one can step up and ensure the children continue to have steady lives when the other needs to spend some time on something else, like you need to to get healthy. I hope you've talked with him and it went well

cariwaldick

You are NOT a bad mom, and five hours a week is NOT unreasonable.

I read a lot of good ideas on here, starting with a good talk with him about what working out means to you. I'd find out what's really eating him, since most husbands are thrilled when their wives shape up. In time, your kids will be able to work out with you, and making health a priority will be good for THEM too. Maybe you could add some family time where you go to a park and play some tag or kick ball, so everyone gets family time and exercise. Maybe family bike rides in the spring?

I was a stay at home mom while my kids were growing up. I put on a lot of weight, and I'm only just now taking charge of my own health. I knew moms who integrated their families into a healthy, active lifestyle, and everyone benefited. Instead, I focused on being a mom, taking care of the house and kids, and putting myself last. My husband didn't criticize as the weight piled up, and it got to the point where I couldn't do much of anything with the kids.

Don't do that to yourself! They'll only be little for a little while, but if you don't take care of their mother, you won't be around to see them grow up.

Since you don't hear it enough at home, way to go taking care of you! Good job making the gym a priority! You can do it!

megleighd

I just find activities with the kids. We walk a lot and I have a bike trailer for my toddler. I'm also lucky enough to be in a good spot to walk and pick up my three year old from school and across the street from the park and trails. It's important to have time for yourself, but these precious years will fly by so quickly so maybe a few nights at the gym and a few nights of activities with the kids? I'm bad at advice, but that's what I do 😊

evamariespedoske

Join a 24 hour gym And go in after the kids are in bed... When you're supposed to be going to bed with him.... A few weeks of going to bed alone might change his mind about helping out during the day.

My husband died when I was 22 (he was 24) and our two kids were 3 and 1. I felt so guilty when I left my kids that I didn't leave them, but I found out quickly that time for ones self isn't an option if you don't find time to take care of you.... who will?

I've seen it several times over the past few years... Usually ends with resentment and divorce. Gotta take care if you so you have something to give your family. Communication will be important, maybe some in home gym equipment is a soloution... I love my freestride trainer keep it in the bedroom and can sneek in a run before I even get the kids up for school or after they go to bed and I run while I watch my programs... Point is don't give up on what you need... Good luck.

dechowj

Going to the gym after having my two boys was not an option for me. My husband and I both work full time and the closest gym is over a 45 min drive from my house. So now we are incorporating working out into play time with the boys and then having some me time scheduled in. I toss music on and we have "Mega Dance Parties" in the living room. And during bath time I do push ups and planks hanging onto the side of the tub while they play with toys in the bubbles. I use a step counter to to keep track of the pacing in the halls putting the baby to sleep. And then my husband and I have and understanding that we both need some kid free time for sanity. So every other night we take turns having one hour to do what we want, so he will have "free time" on Monday and the I get Tuesday ect. Some days I use my free time to do a work out video in the basement and sometimes I read or watch netflix. But he plays with the kids upstairs and lets me have my time and I return the favor on his nights. This has worked out for us so far. It can be hard with little ones, hang in there.

coderdan82

There's a lot of advice here about changing the schedule and location so you can spend more time with the kids. While that might be necessary in the end, I think before you even start discussing logistics you need to talk to him about why you need gym time. You need to be in agreement that this is important. Only then would I start making compromises and adjustments - not because of some sense of pride but because you'll get much better results and a better relationship if you're both working towards the same goal as opposed to one person trying to work around the other's wishes.

MichaelK1007

Both my wife and I work full time and we have 4 girls and very little time. I still get to the gym 4-5 times a week at 5:00am and sometimes 4:30. I can get the workout in shower and be home before kids wake up. Of course it’s not easy getting up that early but it’s the only way I get to the gym.

7elizamae

Could you compromise and work out early (before work) two of the days?

I don't think your wish to take an hour to exercise is unreasonable. But, marriage is all about compromise -- especially when the kids are young.

rheddmobile

I agree that shifting some schedules might make your exercise time easier to fit in, but strongly disagree with your husband's idea that it should not be a priority. Not to be melodramatic here, but does he want you to die? Seriously, does he dislike you so much he wants you dead? Because daily physical activity is a life saver. It's not optional, it's literally the one thing you can do for yourself which has the highest impact on your health and the greatest likelihood of preventing the most common causes of death in our society. You may be young and healthy now, but you won't stay that way for many years if you can't find even an hour a day to be active.

Being active some of the time should be a given. This is a thing that needs to happen. Given that, how do you make it happen without being unfair to your husband, and while meeting your children's needs?

rainykatie

Hi, another working mom here. Your gym time is absolutely not unreasonable and I'm sorry your husband isn't being more supportive.

I struggle too with having my kids in daycare all day and then going to the gym. I feel guilty. For me the inescapable "mom guilt" is not fun even though my husband is really supportive. For my family it's about balance- so I try to fit in exercise during times when I'm not with the kids anyway. My husband and I split drop off/pick up duties everyday. So, on the days that he does pick up I have the flexibility to hit the gym after work. For me though, I usually like to get home, so if I can I will exercise on my lunch break. On the weekends I'll head out for a run at least one day early in the morning before kids are really awake. So I kind of mix it up during the week so I can in 4-5 workouts, but only 2 really cut into family time.

Another idea- is it possible to get workouts in with them a day or two a week? how old are your kids? Mine are 6 and 3 and when the weather isn't too bad we go to the track at the high school. They ride their bikes (my 3 year old has a tricycle) while I jog. We race and it ends up being super fun! I also take my 6 year old son running with me in the park sometimes. It ends up being a great workout because 6 year olds are more into sprinting than steady pace, so it mixes it up for me and I am always so sore the next day.

I'm not suggesting that you have to change your workout plan or need to rationalize the important time you spend in the gym in the evenings. But if it's not working, then maybe you can get creative with ways to fit in exercise.

The husband thing I can't help with- I don't know how to change your husband but clearly something could be changed there.

Good luck!

urloved33

this is nonsense - put it out of your head. do what you need to be healthy..and stay healthy and then be with your kids knowing you could never give them a better example of how to live healthy and well...if you stopped taking care of yourself. as for husbands/fathers who do this...think of them as the 2 yr old throwing a tantrum and step over them on the way to the gym. IN ADDITION - if husbands/fathers refuse to help...HIRE SOMEONE TO HELP.

33gail33

I guess it depends how long your kids are at daycare. If they are already there for 10 hours and you are adding 1.5 more that is a pretty long day at daycare. My kids are grown now but personally when we did daycare our rule was they were only there when we were both working. If one of us was off work our priority was to get them picked up and home. I would just work out at home before they were up or after they were asleep.

cathipa

jonjaxmom wrote: »

When my boys were younger, I picked a gym that is open 24 hours. I would make sure the boys were settled in for the night, and then would go workout and do my workout 9-10 or 9:30-10:30 pm. Home, showered in bed by 11pm. Has worked for our family. My boys are older now, so now I have managed to make that 9pm gym time be at 7:30-8:30, as my guys (including my husband) can handle themselves after dinner before bed. My husband, though is very supportive. He wont do it himself, but is OK if I choose to do it for me.

This^^

I used to work out at home when my kids were very little, but when I started to outgrow my home gym I joined the 24 hour gym 5 minutes from my house. I go at 430/5am 4-5 days a week. This time is my time and only affects me. My husband doesn't share in my love of the gym and when I look back we had the same arguments you are currently having. Its not worth it. I found leaving my kids and husband so I could "do me" was not beneficial because it just lead to drama at home. It also meant time away from my kids who I didn't see during the day because I was at work. Maybe finding an alternative that meets the whole family's needs is better than just telling your husband you need your time and deal with it. As you stated when you spoke to him he said he would like to have time like that to do what he wants to do. Compromise.

Chef_Barbell

I wish OP would come back and give an update.

ftmfrank73

Hang in there. It's hard with a family but you'll figure time to do it

cwolfman13

I'll come at this from a bit of a different angle. I do believe it is important to exercise and be healthy so we can be around for a long time for our children...but there also needs to be balance, adaptation, and flexibility.

When I first started, I was pretty gung ho with the gym and going pretty much every night after work. My wife was supportive of my endeavors to get my health back, but at the same time she was struggling with a 5 month old and 2 year old at home every night until I got home from the gym.

It got to the point where she was pretty unhappy about how much time I was spending away from home and missing out on our kids...between work and my commute and the gym I wasn't usually getting home until 7:30 PM as the kids were getting ready to be put down for bed.

A compromise ultimately had to be reached. I started limiting my gym time to 2 nights during the work week specifically to lift and then another session on the weekend. I took up running and then ultimately cycling for my cardio. I invested in a jogging stroller as well as a bike trailer so that I could take the boys with me on runs and rides sometimes...added bonus was that my wife then also got some free time to herself...otherwise I would usually go out early in the morning to run or ride and be back just in time to start getting everyone ready for daycare. Down the road I also bought an indoor trainer to allow me to be home and still get my work in.

My wife and I also started alternating domestic responsibilities...she would cook on my gym nights and bathe the kids and whatnot...on my non gym nights I cook and get the kids their baths, etc.

This has worked out well, especially as the years have passed and my kids are now in elementary school and bringing home homework and getting involved in youth athletics and practices and games, etc. I've definitely had to further adapt along the way to keep that balance and I have to keep things flexible.

kbmnurse1

Hmmm, he does not sound like a partner. See ya.

bikecheryl

I'm hoping op will give us an update too!! It would help alot of other moms experiencing the same or similar!

urloved33

urloved33 wrote: »

this is nonsense - put it out of your head. do what you need to be healthy..and stay healthy and then be with your kids knowing you could never give them a better example of how to live healthy and well...if you stopped taking care of yourself. as for husbands/fathers who do this...think of them as the 2 yr old throwing a tantrum and step over them on the way to the gym. IN ADDITION - if husbands/fathers refuse to help...HIRE SOMEONE TO HELP.

I really would like to add that for years and years my kids came to the gym with me - swimming lessons - swim meets - taekwondo - taekwondo demonstrations - and of course fun time in the kids area - from 3.5 years old on...they loved the gym, It was my "village"