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TheRoadDog
Posts: 11,793 Member
My daughters are bickering. It is threatening to screw up Christmas. Which may be our last Christmas in this area, We are retiring and moving about 1200 miles away next year. It is hurting my wife and I can't make it right. I sent the following email out two days ago to all three girls. Did I mess up?
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
22
Replies
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If my dad sent me an email like this it would really make me rethink the way I behave. I think there was an appropriate combination of “get your heads out of your *kitten*” and fatherly love. I’m not sure how old your girls are, but I can only imagine that having some sort of feud or grudge is exhausting and takes a lot of effort and emotional strain. I hope for everyone’s sake, they’re able to sort through their drama.3
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Whenever there's a conflict there's a culprit. Someone created the conflict and encouraged the discord. You may not know who that someone is. Or worse, you may not want to know. And they're probably still doing it.
These things don't come out of thin air. I'd leave it alone. Or let the mother get involved if she wants to since she's the mother to all of them. Sounds like the mother's staying out of it though.2 -
1
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I'm 63 so I'd say you wrote a thoughtful and caring letter. If my husband wrote it, I would be crying that he cared that much to pull my family together for me. Children can be selfish--even when grown, and giving them a thoughtful wakeup call can be useful before everything spirals out of control. I hope they listen and you have a lovely Christmas together.6
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It seems reasonable and thoughtful to me. Are you a biological father to any of the children? Do you have a good rapport with them overall?
I am the biological father of the youngest. She is 25. The older girls were 6 and 4 when I met my wife. They are 37 and 35 now. My wife had custody and I helped raise them. I have always had a very good relationship with all of them.
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well written. I would just let it be now. if your wife gets the letter sent to her...so what you did something supportive in her behalf. great letter...great effort in support of your wife and their mother.0
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this seems like a very thoughtful message1
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For my part, I think ya done good -- If I received this from my dad, I'd prolly be embarrassed and reevaluate what kinda dumb I'd been doing. No only does this create an opportunity for 'fake civility' around the holidays, I think it'll open everyone up for reconciliation.3
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I think you're an awesome hubby and dad...step is irrelevant if you love them all, and you doing so probably helped if anything.
I don't feel the "your fault" vibe with anything you said. I for one would put on my big girl...er... Things, and get to mom's house....for you both. But that's me and I'm no expert on anything so my question is ....do you think you did the right thing...you know these chicks best....I think you love your wife and daughters❤👍😎1 -
Very well put, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all0
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Nicksmom106 wrote: »I think you're an awesome hubby and dad...step is irrelevant if you love them all, and you doing so probably helped if anything.
I don't feel the "your fault" vibe with anything you said. I for one would put on my big girl...er... Things, and get to mom's house....for you both. But that's me and I'm no expert on anything so my question is ....do you think you did the right thing...you know these chicks best....I think you love your wife and daughters❤👍😎
Do I think I did the right thing? I intended to. I don't think I did any long-term damage. If they are mad at me, initially, I think time will overcome that.
It's not about me, though. It's not even about they're relationships with each other. They'll work it out or they won't. My only main concern is my wife. She loves them unconditionally and has made many sacrifices for them. I just want them to show their appreciation over the holidays.
I am frustrated that I can't do anything.
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Trying to find fault with your letter would only mean a person unable to see fault with themselves. It was heartfelt and selfless.....if they have a problem with it, its a them problem. Never a gaurantee that a nice gesture gets reciprocated or even noticed, but it doesnt change the intent. And no, that is definitely not a mistake.8
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TheRoadDog wrote: »Nicksmom106 wrote: »I think you're an awesome hubby and dad...step is irrelevant if you love them all, and you doing so probably helped if anything.
I don't feel the "your fault" vibe with anything you said. I for one would put on my big girl...er... Things, and get to mom's house....for you both. But that's me and I'm no expert on anything so my question is ....do you think you did the right thing...you know these chicks best....I think you love your wife and daughters❤👍😎
Do I think I did the right thing? I intended to. I don't think I did any long-term damage. If they are mad at me, initially, I think time will overcome that.
It's not about me, though. It's not even about they're relationships with each other. They'll work it out or they won't. My only main concern is my wife. She loves them unconditionally and has made many sacrifices for them. I just want them to show their appreciation over the holidays.
I am frustrated that I can't do anything.
I think you are a sweet man who is trying his best to make his wife happy, and also loves his girls. The email was hopefully a wake up call to them. Please let us know how your holiday goes. I do hope they come around and set their differences aside to enjoy Christmas with her.0 -
I think your intentions are good.
I read a lot of guilting in it that I would have felt was frustrating. I also felt some distance in the message from you like the family is their mother and them, you only care about their mom's feelings and the situation doesn't impact you that people you love are at odds. I don't think that is how you really want things to be. My dad might have sent a similar message of let's all just pretend to get along for mom. He also always thought he'd die before mom but he did not. If your wife were to die first it may happen like with my siblings that you all just go your seperate ways with little to no contact after she dies unexpectedly because your problems didn't go away just because you pretended. You don't know the future. Don't make mom the glue of the family.
I think it might be more productive to instead of emphasizing they were hurting their mother and should fake getting along to just say you and their mom love them all and are not taking sides but do offer to listen and help them work through their problems with each other if possible. Offering help finding a counselor if a neutral party would help. Remind them of the things they have in common or good experiences they shared as siblings in the past. If they feel that they can't work through their problems or want you to stay out of it then say that they will stop bickering and be civil to each other in your home. This is not pretending that everything is okay between them but requesting that they act like the adults are.5 -
I don't think it is a mistake to say something to them about the situation. I would pursue it slightly differently going forward though.0
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TheRoadDog wrote: »My daughters are bickering. It is threatening to screw up Christmas. Which may be our last Christmas in this area, We are retiring and moving about 1200 miles away next year. It is hurting my wife and I can't make it right. I sent the following email out two days ago to all three girls. Did I mess up?
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
Why didn’t Mom talk to them? Why doesn’t she have a voice? Why do you have to try to guilt trip your kids?? Seems VERY passive aggressive. So you want your kids to fake it? Pretend? What’s the point in that? They aren’t going to stick around later if they don’t want to. It’s meaningless and fooling to your wife. They should do it out of the love in their hearts, it should be genuine. If they won’t, then forget them. You’re her husband, you be her company. My father in law does this stuff too, he texts my husband saying he needs to go buy his mom cards and take her to dinner and stuff. It really makes my husband feel pressured and not want to ever do anything for them. Honestly we’re sick of his dad trying to manipulate the family relationships and wish mom would speak her mind instead of being so passive aggressive.12 -
TheRoadDog wrote: »My daughters are bickering. It is threatening to screw up Christmas. Which may be our last Christmas in this area, We are retiring and moving about 1200 miles away next year. It is hurting my wife and I can't make it right. I sent the following email out two days ago to all three girls. Did I mess up?
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
Why didn’t Mom talk to them? Why doesn’t she have a voice? Why do you have to try to guilt trip your kids?? Seems VERY passive aggressive. So you want your kids to fake it? Pretend? What’s the point in that? They aren’t going to stick around later if they don’t want to. It’s meaningless and fooling to your wife. They should do it out of the love in their hearts, it should be genuine. If they won’t, then forget them. You’re her husband, you be her company. My father in law does this stuff too, he texts my husband saying he needs to go buy his mom cards and take her to dinner and stuff. It really makes my husband feel pressured and not want to ever do anything for them.
I don't think it's passive aggressive. I think he just wants his girls to put aside differences and come visit their mom for the holidays. Not saying they have to fake closeness or take selfies together.
Family dynamics are hard sometimes, and everyone's are different.5 -
RomaineCalm wrote: »TheRoadDog wrote: »My daughters are bickering. It is threatening to screw up Christmas. Which may be our last Christmas in this area, We are retiring and moving about 1200 miles away next year. It is hurting my wife and I can't make it right. I sent the following email out two days ago to all three girls. Did I mess up?
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
Why didn’t Mom talk to them? Why doesn’t she have a voice? Why do you have to try to guilt trip your kids?? Seems VERY passive aggressive. So you want your kids to fake it? Pretend? What’s the point in that? They aren’t going to stick around later if they don’t want to. It’s meaningless and fooling to your wife. They should do it out of the love in their hearts, it should be genuine. If they won’t, then forget them. You’re her husband, you be her company. My father in law does this stuff too, he texts my husband saying he needs to go buy his mom cards and take her to dinner and stuff. It really makes my husband feel pressured and not want to ever do anything for them.
I don't think it's passive aggressive. I think he just wants his girls to put aside differences and come visit their mom for the holidays. Not saying they have to fake closeness or take selfies together.
Family dynamics are hard sometimes, and everyone's are different.
Uh YEAH he did. Quote from the OP “
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.”
It might be a good idea to get mom involved and have the entire family together to discuss. Instead of playing this “don’t tell mom I said this” stuff. Honesty is so important.5 -
You’ll always be a great dad and husband in my eyes RoadDog. I think it’s a good idea, and if it doesn’t work, at least you tried.3
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RomaineCalm wrote: »TheRoadDog wrote: »My daughters are bickering. It is threatening to screw up Christmas. Which may be our last Christmas in this area, We are retiring and moving about 1200 miles away next year. It is hurting my wife and I can't make it right. I sent the following email out two days ago to all three girls. Did I mess up?
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
Why didn’t Mom talk to them? Why doesn’t she have a voice? Why do you have to try to guilt trip your kids?? Seems VERY passive aggressive. So you want your kids to fake it? Pretend? What’s the point in that? They aren’t going to stick around later if they don’t want to. It’s meaningless and fooling to your wife. They should do it out of the love in their hearts, it should be genuine. If they won’t, then forget them. You’re her husband, you be her company. My father in law does this stuff too, he texts my husband saying he needs to go buy his mom cards and take her to dinner and stuff. It really makes my husband feel pressured and not want to ever do anything for them.
I don't think it's passive aggressive. I think he just wants his girls to put aside differences and come visit their mom for the holidays. Not saying they have to fake closeness or take selfies together.
Family dynamics are hard sometimes, and everyone's are different.
Uh YEAH he did. Quote from the OP “
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.”
It might be a good idea to get mom involved and have the entire family together to discuss. Instead of playing this “don’t tell mom I said this” stuff. Honesty is so important.
And guilt trips dont exist.....nobody can make you feel guilty......guilt comes from it either being exposed or realized.9
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