Hope I didn't make a mistake

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Replies

  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
    4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »
    justinewillcutyou wrote: »
    I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.

    I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.

    I agree with all of this. My hubby and his sister stopped speaking when he decided to stop taking her verbal abuse and racist attitude. His parents tried to get involved and make him feel guilty because she's "faaaammily" but all it did was create a bigger rift.
  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
    Mixed on this...on one hand I get what you are trying to do but then I think let them deal with it with each other. *kitten* happens and sometimes it just blows over on its own and sometimes it doesn't.

    I don't buy this blood is thicker than water crap that people say...that family is forever and you should do whatever you can to have family in your life even if it means putting up with *kitten*. Sorry but sometimes non family people can treat you better than your own family.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    FeelinFooFoo wrote: »
    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »
    justinewillcutyou wrote: »
    I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.

    I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.

    Here's how it started. My youngest, Holland and her boyfriend, Chris, went out with my middle daughter, Tara, and her boyfriend, Sean. Sean got drunk and smacked my Chris. Sean is kind of a bully. I have witnessed this myself. He is also twice the size of Chris. Holland diffused the situation and left with Chris before a fight erupted. Those are the only undisputed facts I know. However, no apology ever came forward, but Tara told holland that she wish they weren't sisters. My oldest, Nikki, is only involved because she and Tara are "full" sisters and Holland is a "half" sister. It's ugly.

    Some good news, though, I think. They have all contacted my wife, individually, to tell her they would all be at Christmas. We shall see what happens.

    Looks like your contact with them has triggered something, at least. At the least, it has perhaps shifted their concentration onto their mum which might help to shift thoughts away from any negativity even if it's short lived. Any if they all share a common interest in making it a nice Christmas for their mother, it might just help to be common ground and bring them together. Hope it goes well!

    That is my hope.
  • elsie6hickman
    elsie6hickman Posts: 3,864 Member
    I imagine that you are concerned about the daughter, if the boyfriend is a bully. Hopefully he is not intimidating her, as well. I have a sister that was involved in an abusive relationship. She would not admit it and got really upset if anyone in the family suggested that she should leave him or point out his behaviors to her. Once she was finally free of him, all of the abuse she had suffered came out.

    It's a shame when sisters, half or otherwise, let someone else's behavior come between them. Because while blood might not be thicker than water - and friends can seem like family, it is only those with whom you shared a parent and the experience that you had growing up really know where you came from. I have a sister right now that is not speaking to me over some petty issue. At almost 64, I realize that I will not be here forever - not planning on going any time soon, but our mother died at 64. I would hate to think that I might die with my sister not speaking to me, over some petty issue.
    I'm glad that they have decided to show up for their Mom at Christmas. Adults should be able to interact with each other at least on a social level, for one day.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »
    justinewillcutyou wrote: »
    I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.

    I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.

    Here's how it started. My youngest, Holland and her boyfriend, Chris, went out with my middle daughter, Tara, and her boyfriend, Sean. Sean got drunk and smacked my Chris. Sean is kind of a bully. I have witnessed this myself. He is also twice the size of Chris. Holland diffused the situation and left with Chris before a fight erupted. Those are the only undisputed facts I know. However, no apology ever came forward, but Tara told holland that she wish they weren't sisters. My oldest, Nikki, is only involved because she and Tara are "full" sisters and Holland is a "half" sister. It's ugly.

    Some good news, though, I think. They have all contacted my wife, individually, to tell her they would all be at Christmas. We shall see what happens.

    Hope the "boyfriends" aren't coming.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    elsie6hickman wrote: »
    I imagine that you are concerned about the daughter, if the boyfriend is a bully. Hopefully he is not intimidating her, as well.

    Exactly. I am very concerned. Tara has 2 daughters as well.
  • Nicksmom106
    Nicksmom106 Posts: 1,624 Member
    bojack5 wrote: »
    Trying to find fault with your letter would only mean a person unable to see fault with themselves. It was heartfelt and selfless.....if they have a problem with it, its a them problem. Never a gaurantee that a nice gesture gets reciprocated or even noticed, but it doesnt change the intent. And no, that is definitely not a mistake.

    Perfectly said!👍
  • Nicksmom106
    Nicksmom106 Posts: 1,624 Member
    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    Nicksmom106 wrote: »
    I think you're an awesome hubby and dad...step is irrelevant if you love them all, and you doing so probably helped if anything.

    I don't feel the "your fault" vibe with anything you said. I for one would put on my big girl...er... Things, and get to mom's house....for you both. But that's me and I'm no expert on anything so my question is ....do you think you did the right thing...you know these chicks best....I think you love your wife and daughters❤👍😎

    Do I think I did the right thing? I intended to. I don't think I did any long-term damage. If they are mad at me, initially, I think time will overcome that.

    It's not about me, though. It's not even about they're relationships with each other. They'll work it out or they won't. My only main concern is my wife. She loves them unconditionally and has made many sacrifices for them. I just want them to show their appreciation over the holidays.

    I am frustrated that I can't do anything.

    I'm so sorry you're frustrated my friend! ❤

    You did something out of love and either they will listen, or they won't, but at least you know you tried and that my friend is much more than many would do in your shoes. I said it before and I'll say it again, you're awesome!👍😎
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
    My understang of what you wrote:
    Nikki (oldest) and Tara are from your wife's first marriage. Tara is probably in an abusive relationship.
    Holland is from your wife's second marriage (to you)

    Its a tough situation. I would be curious to know if the older girls father was abusive towards their mother (totally don't have to answer if you don't want, but patterns like that are common). Do the older girls have a relationship with their father still, is it a strong one?

    I would guess that since she was younger Tara didn't handle or maybe didn't understand her parents divorce as well and harbors some resentment about her family splitting. You and Holland further "messed things up" in a way, hence the resentment towards Holland.

    On the other hand, were Tara and Holland close before Sean joined the picture? If so, his driving a wedge there could be more evidence of an abusive relationship.

    A few things to consider:
    1. (Don't know the circumstances of your wife's first marriage) From Tara's standpoint her mom might not be the "woman who sacrificed so much for her", she might be the "woman who broke up the family".
    2. It really might be in Hollands best interest to keep some space from Tara until Tara can get some stuff straitened out.
  • Nicksmom106
    Nicksmom106 Posts: 1,624 Member
    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    elsie6hickman wrote: »
    I imagine that you are concerned about the daughter, if the boyfriend is a bully. Hopefully he is not intimidating her, as well.

    Exactly. I am very concerned. Tara has 2 daughters as well.

    I hate guys like Tara's boyfriend, married one, and I think you may want to keep a very close eye on her....maybe you and your biker buddies pay him a visit....no no!...I'm sorry its just giving me the jitters thinking about it....my husband tried to alienate my family from me.!!make it an is against the world kind of thing ....I wanted nothing to do with that and fought him tooth and nail and it's one of the many reasons we separated, sort of peacefully because of Nick, but still not easy.

    If Tara is under his influence he's the reason.....she basically had to agree or its more trouble when they are alone. Believe me It know....broken doors, tables tipped over with dinner and dishes going everywhere because I didn't agree with his views of my family. I'm not an expert but I know the signs and to be on his good side she will go against her sister etc...she's probably not even aware she's doing it....they manipulate so well...bullies suck at any age but the older ones with your daughter and her little girls are the ones you must watch my friend....wish my dad was alive....it would have never happened then.🤷.

    I hope I'm dead wrong! Hugs and sorry to make thing worse...but just needed to tell you as my spidey senses are on high alert!❤

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