It’s easy for you (rant)
ahoy_m8
Posts: 3,053 Member
Full disclosure: my antenna are up for people who discount the hard work of others by dismissing any success as “easy for you.” Straight As, professional recognition, weight loss (or maintenance).... it must have been easy or there’s no way you could have achieved it. Hard work, persistence, patience... I’m not giving you credit for that. You can only do easy things.
It’s annoyingly but not uncommon. I expect it from my mother. But my husband? Jeez. Tonight he actually said, “It’s easy for you because you’re disciplined.” To my ears, that’s an oxymoron. Discipline isn’t easy. Discipline is synonymous with effort. Consistent effort. Example: Yesterday I did my 4mi run in a cold rain. Not fun. As he laid on a chaise lounge indoors, he saw me gird up to face the elements. Easy? Where is he coming from?
Crazy thing is I’ve been sympathetic with his efforts to lose weight. No reciprocation, evidently. I guess that’s what hurts. I encourage and he dismisses. To all of you MFP-ers out there, I appreciate the effort it takes. It’s not easy.
It’s annoyingly but not uncommon. I expect it from my mother. But my husband? Jeez. Tonight he actually said, “It’s easy for you because you’re disciplined.” To my ears, that’s an oxymoron. Discipline isn’t easy. Discipline is synonymous with effort. Consistent effort. Example: Yesterday I did my 4mi run in a cold rain. Not fun. As he laid on a chaise lounge indoors, he saw me gird up to face the elements. Easy? Where is he coming from?
Crazy thing is I’ve been sympathetic with his efforts to lose weight. No reciprocation, evidently. I guess that’s what hurts. I encourage and he dismisses. To all of you MFP-ers out there, I appreciate the effort it takes. It’s not easy.
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Replies
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It's a compliment, really. You make it look easy. That means you're not bitching and moaning about how hard it is, you just do what you need to do. He's admitting that he lacks discipline and that if he had the discipline to do it, he wouldn't be able to do it without complaining about how hard it is. Take pride in your strength. It's like courage: courage isn't the lack of fear, but continuing despite the fear. Same with strength. It isn't a lack of weakness, but doing what needs to be done regardless of how strong you feel. You know what it took to get where you are. I think you also know that complaining about it doesn't make it easier. On the contrary. Congratulations on making it look easy, when it really isn't.39
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My wife tells me it's "easy for me" and has mentioned my discipline more than a few times. I don't take it the wrong way as I understand that my relationship to food is dramatically different than hers. She's in good shape and very strong as she lifts with me but hasn't been able to budge the scale for years. She has always wanted to be about 20 pounds thinner but we count her maintenance as a victory. She exercises to be able to eat the way she enjoys. I lift for primarily vanity/aesthetics and I treat my food as a tool for those ends. I have very little emotional attachment, or as she would say "addicition" to eating. I gain weight very methodically and I lose it the same way.17
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I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need and deserve. But I agree that you should take it as a compliment. He knows all the hard work you're putting in, he's jealous because he's not doing the same thing. If he said it again, I would probably say it's easier when you try. Explain that you try all the time, it's not a one day or one meal or one week thing. It's work every friggin' day. It's working out, it's making good food choices at EVERY MEAL. It's the opposite of easy, you're just better at it and he's jealous and lashing out. Pat him on the head like a naughty child and get your run in today. We (MFPers) know the hard work you're putting into this and we're proud of you.6
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I also get this. Part of it is because I burned a lot of calories and toned up from an activity I enjoy over the summer. Enjoying paddling as a hobby does not make 10 mile paddles easy. Tracking everything I eat and staying below goal for several months was not easy. A lot of people think I have quit tracking since I hit goal. It's like they think I flipped a switch and now it is natural to eat and exercise like I do. Some days I really don't feel like going to the gym and I go anyway. Paddling is really infrequent now and I don't want to get back out of shape. I have upcoming shoulder surgery and will have a tough time staying in shape while rehabbing, but I will do it.9
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meh. Goes both ways. IMO, don't *kitten* about what others are or aren't doing. Put your head down and worry about your own *kitten*. The same way they don't know about your efforts, struggles, etc... you don't know about theirs.17
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meh. Goes both ways. IMO, don't *kitten* about what others are or aren't doing. Put your head down and worry about your own *kitten*. The same way they don't know about your efforts, struggles, etc... you don't know about theirs.
Many of these rants (like the OP's and mine) are about what people who are close to you say; it stings for them to denigrate your efforts.21 -
never mind... this is not the time to pick that battle... not what this thread is about.
My bad.6 -
Wow. These comments are so nice. Thanks, you guys.8
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I really hate this too! I get it with weigh, running, grad school, work, etc. It is really upsetting when our efforts are taken for granted. I guess we should take it as a compliment that we make it look easy but jeez isn’t that hard! The only thing I hate worse is, “your skinny because you have good genes” or “must be nice to be naturally thin”. If they only knew.9
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"It's easy for you because you work out so much"
Wait, what?14 -
I get that a lot from my friends. I always invite them to join me in the gym and let them find out for themselves just how "easy" it is.17
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Some days we need a good old rant - OP I get it, remarks like you get a lot of us can relate to - nothing about staying in shape/maintaining a healthy weight is easy but we carry on working at it regardless. Tune out the negative and accentuate the positive
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The comments from the people closest to us can hurt the worst. Keep up the hard work and dedication; feel proud of yourself. I agree, achievement in any aspect of life does not happen by pure accident. Also, some of my best and longest cardio sessions happened after being irked by my husband, it’s a great way to shake off marital conflict.
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My husband and I have been doing couch to 5K together and he made a remark the other day about how much harder it was for him than me. And you know what? He was right. He's 75lbs overweight. I can't image running with 75 extra pounds on a weighted vest. I think he expected me to dispute him, but I actually validated his feelings and I think it made him feel wonderful and gave him incentive not to give up.
I'm not saying your husband was right. YOU didn't feel validated for all the hard work and effort it takes to lose and maintain weight and to stay in shape. But on the flip side as jseams pointed out, perhaps there's a glimmer of truth somewhere in there in that for some reason it's easier for you to be disciplined. A strength of will he lacks perhaps. Perhaps it was values instilled in you as a child. Perhaps it's just your nature not to give up.
It sucks to not be validated by those closest to us. Especially when you've been so encouraging. I'd suggest an open and honest conversation with him about how that makes you feel. I was so happy when my husband communicated to me that he loves having me by his side when we run, but that he can't talk to me at the same time. He could see that my feelings were a little hurt when he would put in earphones and ignore me when we ran. I felt like it was time we could spend together talking. That's when he told me how much harder it is for him and that he has a fear of falling, so it takes all of his concentration just to run. Just that little bit of honesty saved us from feelings of resentment. Maybe there's more going on with your hubby than he's currently letting you know.28 -
I get the rant. Coworkers tell me how "easy" it is for me to lose weight. "I wish I could just drop weight when I wanted like you do..."
Internally I'm like, "Roll your lazy *kitten* out of bed at 5:00 AM and go run in the cold for an hour. Carry mace to keep the dogs at bay. Count all the calories. Easy my *kitten*"
Externally I just smile and walk away...16 -
OP--they always say opposites attract. I'd just put it down to that (after I stomped out of the house).2
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[quote="mom23mangos;c-42997674"Maybe there's more going on with your hubby than he's currently letting you know.[/quote]
Or maybe he just isn’t that committed. We really don’t know. All we know is that the OP feels her efforts are being dismissed and the person she loves is using her success as an excuse. That has to be hard because we all know the effort this takes and the OP has been very clear that she this hasn’t been easy for her. Everyone has their own story and view but all we can really do is acknowledge OP’s feelings and validate she has a right to them. Like to think we give grace to those we love but when their actions sting and hurt us, it should be ok for people to admit that pain without those that don’t know both sides playing devil’s advocate. Sometimes, we just need to vent so that we don’t take that resentment out on those closest to us. Release often gives way to perspective.10 -
mom23mangos wrote: »My husband and I have been doing couch to 5K together and he made a remark the other day about how much harder it was for him than me. And you know what? He was right. He's 75lbs overweight. I can't image running with 75 extra pounds on a weighted vest. I think he expected me to dispute him, but I actually validated his feelings and I think it made him feel wonderful and gave him incentive not to give up.
I'm not saying your husband was right. YOU didn't feel validated for all the hard work and effort it takes to lose and maintain weight and to stay in shape. But on the flip side as jseams pointed out, perhaps there's a glimmer of truth somewhere in there in that for some reason it's easier for you to be disciplined. A strength of will he lacks perhaps. Perhaps it was values instilled in you as a child. Perhaps it's just your nature not to give up.
It sucks to not be validated by those closest to us. Especially when you've been so encouraging. I'd suggest an open and honest conversation with him about how that makes you feel. I was so happy when my husband communicated to me that he loves having me by his side when we run, but that he can't talk to me at the same time. He could see that my feelings were a little hurt when he would put in earphones and ignore me when we ran. I felt like it was time we could spend together talking. That's when he told me how much harder it is for him and that he has a fear of falling, so it takes all of his concentration just to run. Just that little bit of honesty saved us from feelings of resentment. Maybe there's more going on with your hubby than he's currently letting you know.
Totally relate to this. In my relationship, it's reversed. I've been caught complaining to my husband how much easier it has been for him to lose weight. And you know what, it's true, and he acknowledges that. He has never once tried to lose weight. He was diagnosed with several food sensitivities that forced him to change his diet, resulting in losing about 20 lbs. He started doing Pilates because he has a bad knee and bad back and wants to try to maintain his mobility as he gets older. His favorite hobby is hunting, and he loves nothing more than to hike 20+ miles every weekend. It has been easy for him; he's never worked at it.
I started going to Pilates with him and it's a fun thing we do together. I count my calories and celebrate every tiny victory, and he celebrates with me. My favorite hobbies don't happen to be physical. I have to work and force myself to be active. That's just the truth.
In the end, it works because we both support each other and tell each other how great we're doing. And if I complain once in awhile, he acknowledges and says, you're right. You are working harder and I'm proud of you. But I also make sure to tell him how great he looks and how happy I am that he is a healthier person.5 -
bobsanders1 wrote: »Losing weight is VERY easy, its maintaining that's hard.
No, no it's not for many of us. In my case losing was harder than maintaining (I'm in maintenance now after losing 50 pounds), and tbh, losing wasn't the struggle for me as it is for many people (and I'm well-aware of that and would never diminish anyone's effort by calling it "easy").10 -
Hugs, OP. Clearly you're in good company
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It is easy and lazy to dismiss discipline.
Do so at the peril of risking personal success.5 -
Ain't "kitten" easy!4
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bobsanders1 wrote: »Losing weight is VERY easy, its maintaining that's hard.
Maybe for you it was but I bet there’s a lot of people here that will disagree with you.11 -
I understand the frustration, absolutely. When people say that to me I have to smile through gritted teeth. From the friends in my 20s who would say I was "lucky" I had good credit to those who said it seemed really easy for me to lose over 100 lb.
But then actually sometimes I stop and think, yes, some things are easier for me than they are for other people due to tons of outside factors and influences and sometimes even luck, perhaps.
A friend of mine is always saying it's "easy" for me to lose weight and now maintain my weight loss. She grew up with neglectful parents, then went straight into marriage with an abusive spouse and raised three kids in poverty. She's struggled with back pain for years and works at a pretty physical job. Her second husband is a nice guy but he overeats, comfort eats, and uses food and drinks to show love. He brings her home donuts and Starbucks every couple of days and asks her to make high calorie dinners.
I grew up with parents who supported my goals and instilled a strong work ethic in me. I've been relatively healthy for all of my 42 years. I haven't suffered as much as many people even though I've been through mental health struggles and a couple of traumatic events. I have been supported through these things more than many other people are. I have a loving spouse who is always cooking us healthy delicious food and he is always up for a walk, hike, bike ride, etc. These things (and many more) do make it "easy" for me to maintain discipline and a positive attitude and to progress toward goals. I work hard on my goals but I don't think I work as hard as someone who doesn't have the advantages I've had.
So when my friend claims it's "easy" for me to lose weight I just kind of have to stop and think about that, honestly. It would be easier for me to think, "No, I'm just disciplined and always make good choices". But that's not 100% true. For one thing, I never would have been so overweight in the first place if that were true. I think it's a pretty complicated issue. But I will say, when I see people on MFP who are consistently making progress despite major obstacles whether financial, medical, or otherwise...I'm most impressed with that.30 -
I hope you tell him that too!! People often dont know when they are minimizing0
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No, it's not easy. And for most people, it never will be easy. But what IS easy is for others to discount your hard work.
I had an acquaintance once suggest that my trimming down and building muscle was a genetic "gift" that only some of us were lucky enough to have. I quickly replied that I was glad to have been given that information, since I now knew that watching what I ate and the 8-10 hours a week of working out was just pointless.6 -
amberellen12 wrote: »bobsanders1 wrote: »Losing weight is VERY easy, its maintaining that's hard.
Maybe for you it was but I bet there’s a lot of people here that will disagree with you.
Better to just leave it at everyone's experience with losing/maintaining will be a personal one?5 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »I understand the frustration, absolutely. When people say that to me I have to smile through gritted teeth. From the friends in my 20s who would say I was "lucky" I had good credit to those who said it seemed really easy for me to lose over 100 lb.
But then actually sometimes I stop and think, yes, some things are easier for me than they are for other people due to tons of outside factors and influences and sometimes even luck, perhaps.
A friend of mine is always saying it's "easy" for me to lose weight and now maintain my weight loss. She grew up with neglectful parents, then went straight into marriage with an abusive spouse and raised three kids in poverty. She's struggled with back pain for years and works at a pretty physical job. Her second husband is a nice guy but he overeats, comfort eats, and uses food and drinks to show love. He brings her home donuts and Starbucks every couple of days and asks her to make high calorie dinners.
I grew up with parents who supported my goals and instilled a strong work ethic in me. I've been relatively healthy for all of my 42 years. I haven't suffered as much as many people even though I've been through mental health struggles and a couple of traumatic events. I have been supported through these things more than many other people are. I have a loving spouse who is always cooking us healthy delicious food and he is always up for a walk, hike, bike ride, etc. These things (and many more) do make it "easy" for me to maintain discipline and a positive attitude and to progress toward goals. I work hard on my goals but I don't think I work as hard as someone who doesn't have the advantages I've had.
So when my friend claims it's "easy" for me to lose weight I just kind of have to stop and think about that, honestly. It would be easier for me to think, "No, I'm just disciplined and always make good choices". But that's not 100% true. For one thing, I never would have been so overweight in the first place if that were true. I think it's a pretty complicated issue. But I will say, when I see people on MFP who are consistently making progress despite major obstacles whether financial, medical, or otherwise...I'm most impressed with that.
Just wanted to say, I like and relate to this post a lot.7 -
I think many times what people really mean when they say "It's so easy for you!" is, "From the outside looking in, you've got it all figured out, and I'm envious of your discipline and good decision-making." It's irritating, but trying to take it as a compliment helps.12
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"Easy for you" is implicitly confessing "I'm so lazy I can't get off my fat *kitten* to keep up with you."
So, when you think about it, it really is easy.4
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