Sabotage or just being too sensitive
meeper123
Posts: 3,347 Member
I have made it clear to my husband that I dont want cake, cookies, candy, or soda. I have told him i not to tempt me, but not even a week later he is bringing me home dr pepper's then when I remind him he gets upset. He is overweight as well but does not want to change. He may just be trying to think of me or I am just reading things that aren't there. Either way I needed to vent.
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Replies
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I say forgive him ahead of time. He can't read your mind and he's going to do stuff that feels like he should know better. Maybe when he got mad, he was mad at himself. If you don't react negatively there won't be an argument and you won't hurt HIS feelings.
This helps me:Build grace. "l encourage (people) to adopt an advanced form of forgiveness, what I call grace,"
Harris says. "To practice grace is to prepackage forgiveness and set it on the shelf, in anticipation
of a future hurtful action from someone who matters to you: a spouse, partner, child, parent or co-
worker. When we've already forgiven others for future offenses, we bypass the formation of
grudges altogether."31 -
That is good advice either way he thought of me and I need to just be nice. I just need to work on my willpower to not drink it.14
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Old habits die hard. He's doing what has probably been routine for him so cut him some slack. It's up to you to resist consuming things that you know you shouldn't. Just leave them in the refrigerator and when he sees you aren't consuming them then maybe he will stop. Remember first you are doing this for you. He will change if he wants to, but trying to make someone do what they are not ready for will typically be met with resistance.10
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You don't have to drink it.34
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I've been having some intestinal issues and have been having to eat very bland food & trying to limit fat & sugar (along with being back in a calorie deficit). Last week, my hubby thought he would be nice and bring home my favorite donuts. He brings home pizza a couple of times a week. On a regular basis, he brings home grocery bags full of candy he gets on clearance after holidays. It's not sabotage- he's just doing his thing (his calorie allowance is twice what mine is). Maybe ask him to bring you a diet Dr. Pepper next time
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When people give me "gifts" that I can't work into my plan I thank them and pass it on to someone else at a later date20
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I think I will just give them to him since he doesn't want to lose weight really. This way I wont hurt his feelings I can be one of those overly sensitive people14
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Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.62
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tronjo2002 wrote: »Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.
I highly doubt the OP husband is trying to sabotage her. :noway:24 -
tronjo2002 wrote: »Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.
Really not the same thing.
A spouse should get extra points for supporting our efforts, but just because we are making a choice to change our habits shouldn't obligate them to.13 -
tronjo2002 wrote: »Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.
Do you really think he said to himself, "I think I'll try to make my wife's life and diet more difficult." ? Of course not. He brought home her favorite drink. Lots of people don't have any idea about dieting and calories and sugar etc. How many young guys do you know who would know very much at all about nutrition?
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tronjo2002 wrote: »Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.
Its not like he's hiding it in her food. That would be sabotage.15 -
The op stated the her husband bought her Dr. Pepper. Not he bought himself some.21
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tronjo2002 wrote: »Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.
not even the same.
when my husband brings me goodies, i hold on to them until i can fit them in. he doesnt bring them often, but on occasion he will. he knows i eat them on occasion, and will put it in a drawer until im ready for it.
he loves me. he wants me to be my personal best. he wants me to be happy. and chocolate makes me happy.
You have to learn your limits, learn how to work things into your calories. my husband has never SEEN me drink a full calorie soda, so he wouldnt buy that. But the chocolate. sometimes its in both our interest for me to have some LOL18 -
tronjo2002 wrote: »The op stated the her husband bought her Dr. Pepper. Not he bought himself some.
Because he was being nice & wasn't thinking. No biggie.13 -
I would have to say oversensitive, esp if he used to do this before you started dieting. Just hand it back and say, "I'm not drinking soda anymore"
As the daughter of someone who expected everyone in the house to follow whatever diet she was on, I don't expect ANYONE to cater to my diet. It's up to me to have the willpower not to eat/drink it.17 -
You said he's overweight and doesn't want to lose weight. Maybe he's afraid if you lose weight and become more attractive you might not be attracted to him any more. Can you have a conversation with him about this?18
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I have been married for over 42 years. The first time he ever brought me home something to drink was last week. He brought me home coffee from my favorite vendor that I always get.
I think it’s kind of thoughtful and sweet ❤️ Maybe you could ask him to get you diet Doctor Pepper.19 -
It's probably a little bit of both. Give him a kiss, a thank you, and tell him how sweet it is to bring you a soda. Then, kindly ask him if he can bring you a diet DP next time instead.21
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You really should tell him what to bring you instead...if he wants to feel like he is doing things to make you feel special then there's no reason to take that away from him, but he needs to adapt to bringing you different stuff.
Oh honey, it's super sweet of you to think of me when I'm not around and bring me something special, but since I'm really trying to be healthier it would be awesome if I had grapefruit seltzer water (or whatever) instead of Dr Pepper.21 -
I would just have another chat with him about your goals and the changes you are trying to make. Yes, it was nice of him to think of you but clearly he didn’t think that hard since he brought you something that he knew you were trying to cut out.
My husband used to bring me Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups occasionally as a treat because they are my favorite. But once I told him I really wanted to focus on losing weight, he stopped because it would no longer be a sweet, thoughtful gesture. It would just be a sign that he wasn’t supportive of my efforts or that he just doesn’t listen to me or pay attention to my life.
Honestly, it makes me so sad to see how many posters here have spouses/partners that aren’t supportive of their weight loss.17 -
Running2Fit wrote: »I would just have another chat with him about your goals and the changes you are trying to make. Yes, it was nice of him to think of you but clearly he didn’t think that hard since he brought you something that he knew you were trying to cut out.
My husband used to bring me Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups occasionally as a treat because they are my favorite. But once I told him I really wanted to focus on losing weight, he stopped because it would no longer be a sweet, thoughtful gesture. It would just be a sign that he wasn’t supportive of my efforts or that he just doesn’t listen to me or pay attention to my life.
Honestly, it makes me so sad to see how many posters here have spouses/partners that aren’t supportive of their weight loss.
Support means different things to different people.23 -
I don't think he is intentionally trying to sabotage you. I also think that you're justified in being frustrated, but it's probably better to not show that frustration at this point if you can.
Here is what I would probably say to him (feel free to adapt as you like):
"Honey, I really appreciate that you thought about me. I don't think I want to drink any more Dr. Pepper for a while, though. I'd rather have [flavored water, tea, coffee, diet soda, whatever else he could bring you]. Could you get me one of those next time instead?"15 -
Running2Fit wrote: »I would just have another chat with him about your goals and the changes you are trying to make. Yes, it was nice of him to think of you but clearly he didn’t think that hard since he brought you something that he knew you were trying to cut out.
My husband used to bring me Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups occasionally as a treat because they are my favorite. But once I told him I really wanted to focus on losing weight, he stopped because it would no longer be a sweet, thoughtful gesture. It would just be a sign that he wasn’t supportive of my efforts or that he just doesn’t listen to me or pay attention to my life.
Honestly, it makes me so sad to see how many posters here have spouses/partners that aren’t supportive of their weight loss.
If a person chooses a keto diet to lose weight, and their spouse has 0 interest in eating a keto diet, does that obligate the spouse not to bring bread & pasta into the house, or eat in front of the other person at mealtimes? Are they not being supportive enough if they do? Or is the issue only if the spouse gifts the forbidden food to them? Not trying to be smart-alecky... genuinely curious how you view the 2 situations.20 -
I can't see if you've specified what about this made him upset?
Was he upset that it was going to go to waste (fine), or annoyed at himself he forgot (fine) or annoyed at you for expecting him to remember (dodgy) or annoyed you weren't as grateful as you were supposed to be (oh no)?16 -
I imagine he's just doing what he's always done. Your mindset has changed but his hasn't.6
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Hey you're lucky that Diet Dr Pepper is actually decent, you can tell him you like it just as much and to grab you one of those next time. As for the stuff you don't want, thank him warmly and set it aside.9
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Depends on if he had a habit of bringing you food and drinks or this is new behavior.
If he never brought you this stuff before you told him you were not going to consume these things then his behavior is suspect. If he always did it then he probably is just not used to the changes you are making. Tell him something he can bring you if he likes to treat you.18 -
Depends on if he had a habit of bringing you food and drinks or this is new behavior.
If he never brought you this stuff before you told him you were not going to consume these things then his behavior is suspect. If he always did it then he probably is just not used to the changes you are making. Tell him something he can bring you if he likes to treat you.
Good point 3 -
Running2Fit wrote: »I would just have another chat with him about your goals and the changes you are trying to make. Yes, it was nice of him to think of you but clearly he didn’t think that hard since he brought you something that he knew you were trying to cut out.
My husband used to bring me Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups occasionally as a treat because they are my favorite. But once I told him I really wanted to focus on losing weight, he stopped because it would no longer be a sweet, thoughtful gesture. It would just be a sign that he wasn’t supportive of my efforts or that he just doesn’t listen to me or pay attention to my life.
Honestly, it makes me so sad to see how many posters here have spouses/partners that aren’t supportive of their weight loss.
If a person chooses a keto diet to lose weight, and their spouse has 0 interest in eating a keto diet, does that obligate the spouse not to bring bread & pasta into the house, or eat in front of the other person at mealtimes? Are they not being supportive enough if they do? Or is the issue only if the spouse gifts the forbidden food to them? Not trying to be smart-alecky... genuinely curious how you view the 2 situations.
My understanding of the post was that he bought the soda for her. In my opinion, that’s different than buying it for himself. If someone chooses to do Keto, it would not be supportive for their partner to come home and say “Hey, I picked up some pasta for you today, here you go” I never said or even implied that no “off-limits” food can’t be brought into the house for whoever else lives there.
But don’t bring it in and say it’s a thoughtful gift for her, because it’s not.15
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