Sabotage or just being too sensitive
Replies
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Honestly, the poor guy has probably seen you jump on the wagon and fall off a million times, if you're anything like me. Last month, you were probably delighted with the Dr. Peppers and other things. I think that it takes a long time for our loved ones to see changes in our lives and act.
Unless your husband is just the absolute worst and laughs evilly while dangling Dr. Peppers in your face and sneaking them into your cups.... I'd assume the best of him and not say that he is sabotaging you. It may take time and consistency for him to stop.27 -
Thank him for thinking of you and remind him gently what you are doing. Then when he’s gone pour or throw out what he bought you.6
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Running2Fit wrote: »Running2Fit wrote: »I would just have another chat with him about your goals and the changes you are trying to make. Yes, it was nice of him to think of you but clearly he didn’t think that hard since he brought you something that he knew you were trying to cut out.
My husband used to bring me Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups occasionally as a treat because they are my favorite. But once I told him I really wanted to focus on losing weight, he stopped because it would no longer be a sweet, thoughtful gesture. It would just be a sign that he wasn’t supportive of my efforts or that he just doesn’t listen to me or pay attention to my life.
Honestly, it makes me so sad to see how many posters here have spouses/partners that aren’t supportive of their weight loss.
If a person chooses a keto diet to lose weight, and their spouse has 0 interest in eating a keto diet, does that obligate the spouse not to bring bread & pasta into the house, or eat in front of the other person at mealtimes? Are they not being supportive enough if they do? Or is the issue only if the spouse gifts the forbidden food to them? Not trying to be smart-alecky... genuinely curious how you view the 2 situations.
My understanding of the post was that he bought the soda for her. In my opinion, that’s different than buying it for himself. If someone chooses to do Keto, it would not be supportive for their partner to come home and say “Hey, I picked up some pasta for you today, here you go” I never said or even implied that no “off-limits” food can’t be brought into the house for whoever else lives there.
But don’t bring it in and say it’s a thoughtful gift for her, because it’s not.
We see many posts on here from people who say their spouses are being unsupportive because they continue to eat foods in their presence that they're avoiding, so I was just trying to clarify.
I was thinking about how, a few weeks ago, my husband, who almost never does this sort of thing, brought me home a new coffee drink he thought I would enjoy even though he knew it was probably calorific and that I can't generally afford liquid calories. It brightened my spirits that, in his imperfect way, he was trying to please me. I guess it's all in the way we look at it (unless, like @Lounmoun mentioned, there is clearly harmful intent). (BTW, I had a few sips in his presence and threw the rest out
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We had a talk and he wasn't thinking he says but he also has been feeling a little put off by me wanting to lose weight he likes bigger women but also wants me healthy15
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It isn't sabotage. It's just a change you've implemented that he hasn't adapted to yet.
He has to come to a conclusion to do this on his own and any attempts to nudge him will likely backfire. All you can do is lead by example. Good men like to make their spouses happy, so as others have suggested be direct and specific on what drinks you want. Good marriages are the result of constant communication.
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My mom used to teach weight watchers. She said that it was common enough to be a thing for men to start bringing their wives "presents" of chocolates about the time they started losing visible amounts of weight and settling into a new eating routine. Change is uncomfortable and threatening and the people close to you may resist when you try to change.
I have a very different opinion from the first piece of advice you received here. I feel that life is hard enough without having to fight battles in your own house, every moment of every day. And for your husband to get upset that you reminded him not to do something you have asked him not to do more than once is ridiculous. When I embarked on my current lifestyle two years ago I had a Come to Jesus meeting with my husband, and pointed out that my life and health were at stake, and if he loved me, he surely wanted me to be alive and healthy. And from that point on he supported me. Some of our rules: he doesn't ask me if I want more of something. He doesn't push his food he can't finish on me, I am not the garbage disposal. He does not eat dessert with every meal anymore (this was a thing, he ate dessert even with breakfast) - if he wants a dessert he can eat it when I am also having dessert, or he can have something later. His treats are in a separate area where I don't look at them.
If he actually brought me soft drinks after I specifically asked him not to, they would be out in the street as far as I could fling them and he would be getting them and putting them in the trash. Really now, how hard is it not to do something? Men are not little babies or seniors with dementia. I'm betting he doesn't "just forget" things his work asks him to do.19 -
I'm sure he was just trying to do something nice. Save them for a rare treat but remind him that your trying not to have unhealthy things. Had the same thing with my boyfriend bringing home king size pot noodles in the past.1
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Best thing is to ask him what his motive was OP then there's no misunderstandings. All the best with losing the weight love
If my other half of 30 years brought that sugary drink in for me it would be.........what part of I'm not drinking pop [soda] do you not understand lol
He's the other way around though.......7.30am this morning and 3 days into my calorie counting he pipes up with .......would you like me to get the exercise bike out of the loft darling......
He knows I'm a sloth and need time to get into something like that....a week at least!
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This thread is a very interesting reflection of lots of different types of relationships...13
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I apologize if this comes across as sexist, but some men (my bf included!) Are forgetful. They are also not mind readers. I think that your husband was forgetful about your diet, and I wouldnt hold it against him. That is just my experience though, it could be totally different. I just dont think he would want to sabotage you bettering yourself if he truly loved you.9
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I went through this for many years with my husband. He was worried I would get thin and leave him. You might want to emphasize how much you care about him in ways that make him feel special. He might not even be aware that he is concerned so I wouldn't speak about it openly. Just make sure you have time for him and let him know that getting healthier is not going to change your relationship. Once I lost the weight and my husband saw that I was the same person he relaxed and in fact he nags me if I don't exercise or eat right now, lol.9
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We had a talk and he wasn't thinking he says but he also has been feeling a little put off by me wanting to lose weight he likes bigger women but also wants me healthy
Are you currently in the Overweight or Obese BMI? If you are just slightly into Overweight, that's not necessarily unhealthy, but more overweight than that and your doctor would want you to lose weight.4 -
I have made it clear to my husband that I dont want cake, cookies, candy, or soda. I have told him i not to tempt me, but not even a week later he is bringing me home dr pepper's then when I remind him he gets upset. He is overweight as well but does not want to change. He may just be trying to think of me or I am just reading things that aren't there. Either way I needed to vent.
"if you lose weight - what happens to me?"
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kshama2001 wrote: »We had a talk and he wasn't thinking he says but he also has been feeling a little put off by me wanting to lose weight he likes bigger women but also wants me healthy
Are you currently in the Overweight or Obese BMI? If you are just slightly into Overweight, that's not necessarily unhealthy, but more overweight than that and your doctor would want you to lose weight.
I am obese 220 lbs atm4 -
Also prediabetic6
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If it was sabotage, I think you would know. My guess would be that wasn’t his intention but how it feels to you. Having temptations in front of you in your home is difficult and sounds like you expected they weren’t going to be allowed. Would also consider that he was getting them for himself and using you as excuse. Try to think of anything he brings home from now on as his. If he isn’t on the same page with you right now eating wise, don’t expect his habits to change. That is almost like sabotaging yourself. This is your thing. Focus on yourself. The best you can do for him is to role model better habits. It took me a long time to figure this out. Have always tried to lose weight with my husband but he didn’t want it like I did. I felt like his choices were a failure of my own. Or I would get jealous/resentful he was enjoying things I couldn’t. Maybe not consciously but I can see it now. This time, I started without him. Without a conversation. I just did it and keep on doing it. 60lbs down and I can feel why it’s different this time. I don’t need to rely on someone else. I am owning my goals and choices and it’s absolutely freeing.9
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Can’t really respond because I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship. It’s only sabotage if he is controlling in other areas of your marriage. If you have a loving relationship then it’s just him doing what he has always done. If you fight constantly, it’s sabotage. Just my opinion.4
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I think everyone is missing the point here....If you go back to the OP's original comment she says she made it "clear to him" that she doesn't want pop, cake, candies, soda....If I asked someone to NOT do something and they went ahead and did it anyway.......????? Hmmmmmm!!!!
Whether it is "sabotage" intentionally or not, it is still annoying to ask someone for "x" and they do "y" I'd be ticked too...especially if these are things that are a trigger. Part of being successful at weight loss is controlling your environment. So I say cut this gal some slack!! She knows her husband way better than any of us & if she thinks he could be sabotaging her weight loss efforts perhaps he is!!
@meeper123 At the same time, it IS up to you what your going to do about it!! IF you are really determined to work at your weight loss efforts, that will not hold you back...you can find a way around it if you want to...hoping the best for you. 22 -
She said (in an update) that she talked to him and it sounds like a productive conversation. People often forget things they should remember or assume you might like to be tempted a little, and, yeah, lots of people are resistant to change so will continue to act as if things have not changed.
That's normal and human, even if it can be slightly annoying, and it sounds like OP vented and then acted productively. I don't get how it's helpful to tell her that he's sabotaging her -- the sabotage thing is assumed far too often, IMO (and I don't mean OP, who was just asking for some feedback) -- or that he's acting in a super negative way, vs. just being a little human and not thinking through something.6 -
I had a relationship with a man that actively tried to get me to gain weight. He preferred larger women. I'd say no, he'd put food in front of me, etc. He made it a challenge when I tried to work out. Controlled the cooking, etc. I finally got so fed up that I started throwing food on the floor when he refused to listen and kept placing food in front of me. Gained the 30 lbs I had lost before I wised up and dumped him. Now working on dumping those 30 lbs again and finding a man who supports me instead of fighting against me.19
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cmriverside wrote: »tronjo2002 wrote: »Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.
Do you really think he said to himself, "I think I'll try to make my wife's life and diet more difficult." ? Of course not. He brought home her favorite drink. Lots of people don't have any idea about dieting and calories and sugar etc. How many young guys do you know who would know very much at all about nutrition?
I think most young guys know that regular soda is high calorie and no nutrition.11 -
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This is your husband...so you want to get along and forgive, forget, and think it was not intentional. Maybe it was not.or maybe it was. Bottom line it messes you up and keeps you from becoming your best self.
It happens all the time with those of us who are married or in a relationship. You may want to not talk too much about your weight loss goals .. id take the stuff he brings you and throw it away when he's not around. Let him think you ate/drank it. It will diffuse him into thinking you're being your good old self again.12 -
elisa123gal wrote: »This is your husband...so you want to get along and forgive, forget, and think it was not intentional. Maybe it was not.or maybe it was. Bottom line it messes you up and keeps you from becoming your best self.
It happens all the time with those of us who are married or in a relationship. You may want to not talk too much about your weight loss goals .. id take the stuff he brings you and throw it away when he's not around. Let him think you ate/drank it. It will diffuse him into thinking you're being your good old self again.
Why would you treat a grown man like a 5yo who made you a mud-pie?31 -
I have made it clear to my husband that I dont want cake, cookies, candy, or soda. I have told him i not to tempt me, but not even a week later he is bringing me home dr pepper's then when I remind him he gets upset. He is overweight as well but does not want to change. He may just be trying to think of me or I am just reading things that aren't there. Either way I needed to vent.
Buy yourself a diet Dr Pepper. Tell him you prefer those.4 -
tronjo2002 wrote: »Intentional or not, it is sabotage. Would it be ok for a recovering alcoholic's spouse to bring them a 6-pack? Of course not. Trying to be healthy is hard enough, temptation in the house is hard to resist.
I agree with this bc it’s still an addiction. It would be different if it were for himself. It was for her.17 -
Tell him the energy of what one can contains. Then drink it. Say "we're going to go for a walk to burn off that energy".
Come back an hour (or whatever) later.4 -
I think your husband was just being thoughtful. My fiancé brings me home food/drink items quite often, especially if he has tried something new and thinks I will like it. If its high cal, which it usually is, I just thank him and say I'm going to put it in the snack box and keep it for when I really fancy it. It pleases all parties that way, and he usually ends up eating whatever it is within about 2 days anyway as he isn't watching his calories. You just have to learn how to deal with these things as they happen.4
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Thank you all for your post and comments. I have been married 20 years and my husband buys me cookies every weekend, an occasional ice cream, AND brings me seconds from dinner. I gave up trying to change him, and finally figured out that that’s how he grew up - food is love, and that’s why he does it. He is also overweight and maybe part of that is to make himself feel better when he eats a lot. I need to find willpower and “tricks” to work around this. But I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one with this problem!!3
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might just be for himself. think of it as good training to be able to just not touch those things for a good while.0
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