Being OK With Not Reaching Goal- How?
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First thing... Drop the concept of a goal weight, just make your goal to come in lighter than you did the previous week
I lost 180lbs and never set a goal weight... I just kept telling myself, hell if I could lose even 5lbs I'd be better off...
I did the same thing you did too tho, binging and over exercising... It's a crazy vicious cycle
The one thing that seemed to work the best for me was when I realized that another Friday night binge wasn't going to kill me...
I told myself, if I binge out tonight... Oh well, I've binged before and you know what... I didn't die, I didn't wake up the next morning 100lbs heavier, it didn't end my journey and did not keep me from succeeding... And almost magically, the urge to binge was gone...
Also helps to remember that you have your whole entire life ahead of you to eat healthy and workout... There's no rush, small changes/time5 -
New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »I've been thinking this over and its very hard. Please bear with me.
I've been trying to get back to 135 for a while, but my weight has been hovering around 147 to 150 for the most part. My highest weight was 208, and I've lost most of it on WW, and got down to 135 here around 2017.
I'm seeing a dietitian (RD) for weight loss, and she referred me to a therapist for a possible eating disorder (binging and excessive exercise). We discussed my weight goals, again I want 135 lbs, and she recommended that I accept my current weight as a goal until things calm down. She also asked how I would feel if I never reached 135. I'm worried about health, I want skin removal surgery, I just want people to stop treating me like I'm fat and hopeless. That's why I'm still pursuing it.
My question is if anyone had to take a hard look at their efforts or life situation and decide if what they've already achieved is enough. Even if it means giving up a goal, or changing a goal. How can I tell myself it's okay to stay where I am for the long haul?
Thanks.
It's just not your goal at the moment is how I would look at it.5 -
Okay OP:
So obviously we haven't got a complete picture. The fact that your RD referred you to a therapist for a possible ED suggests that there might be a little bit more going on than you've shared. However what I would say: A number on the scale will not make you "not fat" in other's eyes. Hear me out on this one
If you are sensitive about something, certain people will use it against you.
People are *kitten*, there will be those who will find your triggers and use them to push your buttons. I used to be sensitive about my height (5ft2, and not taller than my mum). It was a wonderful way to wind me up (I have 3 older brothers, they did their very best to wind me up on all occasions). And then I learnt to accept it. And their comments don't bother me anymore (and they make much fewer of them now)
Also another thing. Just because you are okay with something, doesn't mean you're never going to change it.
When I started to lose weight I was too big. I was borderline obese and was kidding myself that I was a UK12 not a UK14 ("the sizes just ran small on those 14s I bought"). However, when I looked in the mirror I loved what I saw. I was fiiine. I loved my body, my boyfriend loved my body. What did it matter what the scale said? Well actually my health mostly. So I needed to lose that weight. I have lost some of that weight and I'm still going. However, my point it that I could stop now, not quite achieving my goal and still be happy with where I am because I will always love how I look.
I think your therapist is trying to get you into a better place mentally before letting you reassess if your goals are appropriate. Excuse me for being a bit presumptuous but, right now it sounds like you're trying to get to the lower weight for the wrong reasons (to please other people who think you are "fat") and it sounds like you're potentially using unhealthy practices to try and get there. And because you have this unrealistic goal in your head, you find yourself failing over and over again. Remember what makes something unrealistic can be for various reason. Not being the the right mindset mentally can make certain tasks unrealistic. For example: it is unrealistic to expect someone to be able to continue working the day they have just heard very bad news. I the same way, if mentally you're not in a good place to lose weight, then it can be unrealistic to expect that you'd be able to do so.
By accepting where you are and congratulating yourself on how far you've come you can remove that boundary of failure. I can hear by the way you've been talking that you feel like you're not successful because you've not reach that goal weight of 135, but looking back you've lost so much previously. That's a huge achievement! And heck maintaining most of that weight off in that time up till now. Wow, that seriously good. You should be proud of yourself.
My suggestion. Look at the things you love about yourself, not the things you want to change. We as humans have a tenancy to focus on our bad points, but most people looking at us will look at the good points. When looking at other people I am more likely to notice that awesome skirt they're wearing than the "weird shaped nose" they are convinced they have.
And in answer to your question: I have spent a lot of time thinking about failure and life choices recently (hence the long reply), mostly in regards to jobs and careers. I am in a place right now where I have mostly gotten over this feeling. It's taken time and it's not been easy. In retrospect I wish I had had the chance to talk it over with a therapist as I'm sure that would've helped sped the process along. However, I am sure that you'll get there too. Everyone fails in life. No one is successful in everything they do. Those who claim they are have never pushed themselves, or are lying. Failure often seems daunting, but success is just an arbitrary goal. Acceptance of one's self is one of the most important and empowering things you can do.5 -
Lillymoo01 wrote: »JeromeBarry1 wrote: »I learned to be OK with failing to accomplish a college degree.
I'm in my 40's and am at uni but there are others doing the same degree in their 60's. It is never too late to continue with your education.
May I ask why you're trying to encourage someone who is okay with not having a degree, into getting a degree?
Using the words listed previously: Where did you learn it was okay to speak to another person like that?
I know you think you're being helpful and encouraging, but essentially you're saying that what they are happy with, isn't okay. They didn't ask for your comments in the same way that OP didn't ask for others to comment on her weight. Academia isn't for everyone, and no one should be made to feel bad because they don't have a degree.
Maybe I read more into that comment than was there but I found the choice of words telling. Failing says to me that maybe they are not ok with it, even if they say they are. I didn't complete my college degree and I am ok with that says something entirely different. Not completing something and failing are two different things in my books. Again, I could be reading too much into it though.
I am also very aware that academia is not for everyone and I never gave the impression that it was. Those that know me and my history would know my beliefs that there are far more important things than a college degree and that every person and every job is valued and necessary in our society.
Shrugs.
If I misread and offended then I apologise.8 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »I learned to be OK with failing to accomplish a college degree.
So did I. Though it's never too late. After 4 universities and 35 years since HS I finally got one (only because my company told me I needed one to be promoted to the next level). The point with that is that even when comes to fitness and the like, the process is just as important as the goal - and the goal may change.
@JeromeBarry1 you can still go get one if you want it, but I would submit it doesn't make you any smarter. I'm betting that you'll likely make some of the instructors and fellow students smarter.
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Having put out here that I'm ok with not completing college, I got at least 3 people advocating that as a retired cis white male I should aspire to returning to the academy to get, what? Please understand, I'm not uneducated. I'm uncredentialed. My thinker works fine, and my knower is capacious.
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you become okay with it when you have the realization that YOU are not YOUR WEIGHT and people really DO NOT CARE about your weight.
i may or may not ever reach my 'number' goal. im okay with that. as long as I am healthy, strong, physically able to do the things I want to do, happy with myself as a person, living a good life and enjoying life .... my gravitational relation to this planet is not a big deal.3 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Having put out here that I'm ok with not completing college, I got at least 3 people advocating that as a retired cis white male I should aspire to returning to the academy to get, what? Please understand, I'm not uneducated. I'm uncredentialed. My thinker works fine, and my knower is capacious.
Given your context, perhaps I would not have "advocated" it had I known. I've read enough of your posts to know your thinker and knower are fine. I was also perfectly fine as an educated person without credentials myself until I got a piece of paper that was requested of me. Otherwise I would have been happy staying as I was. It was meant as a compliment.
But...being educated (and now with a credential) doesn't mean I always communicate clearly. Carry on sir!3 -
People focus way too much on goals and numbers (all those published numbers and marketed program stuff), and not enough on the process and doing what is right for their body. I am very guilty of this, but have more recently come to terms with better ways to measure my success. So now, I worry less about calorie numbers and weight loss numbers, and more about just doing the right things as much as I can. So I know what too many calories looks like from years back when I was doing the calorie counting here, and I eat within reason each day. As long as most days in a month are moderated, I can lose weight. Maybe a few pounds, and maybe several pounds, but it happens. Then I try to exercise at least a few times a week for actual exercise sessions, but I choose to park my cars futher away from the shop and walk in, I take walking breaks, I never take elevators, and try to stand often, etc. Just little things to stay active in daily life.
Doing the process and the best you can is enough. The numbers of your body will work themselves out there.0 -
This thread has taken a very interesting turn with the discussion of a college degree. It is clear to me that the posters encouraging pursuit of a degree were attempting to be encouraging. I would like to parallel that the people who commented on the OPs weight were also trying to be encouraging. As a human being I have sometimes reflected on my choice of words and wish I had stated things differently. And sometimes wished I hadn’t said anything at all. It’s clear that no one here was mean spirited in their comments. And I am hopeful that the OPs aquaintences were not trying to be unkind.
As to the original topic of this thread I think it’s sometimes smart to redefine your goals. The dietitian has concerns. Take a step back and consider why. How much exercising are we talking about? It might be time to break down into different fitness goals vs weight goals. Counseling can be helpful. You might also benefit from a planned diet break eating at maintenance calories for two weeks.2 -
New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »I've been thinking this over and its very hard. Please bear with me.
I've been trying to get back to 135 for a while, but my weight has been hovering around 147 to 150 for the most part. My highest weight was 208, and I've lost most of it on WW, and got down to 135 here around 2017.
I'm seeing a dietitian (RD) for weight loss, and she referred me to a therapist for a possible eating disorder (binging and excessive exercise). We discussed my weight goals, again I want 135 lbs, and she recommended that I accept my current weight as a goal until things calm down. She also asked how I would feel if I never reached 135. I'm worried about health, I want skin removal surgery, I just want people to stop treating me like I'm fat and hopeless. That's why I'm still pursuing it.
My question is if anyone had to take a hard look at their efforts or life situation and decide if what they've already achieved is enough. Even if it means giving up a goal, or changing a goal. How can I tell myself it's okay to stay where I am for the long haul?
Thanks.
are you healthy? is your bio metrics in the healthy range? do you accept your body as is? it is ok to morph your goals to reflect what is reality. its perfectly ok...often times we travel a path and the path leads to another place other than the one we planned ...and its ok to change roads based on where the road led you/2 -
New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »I used to suffer from body dysmorphia syndrome meaning that even at 108 pounds I felt fat and worked out like crazy. I never actually starved myself or vomited but it wasn’t good. I had to be medicated for anxiety which helped. Please don’t let it get to that point. Is it possible you feel “big” but are really perfect for your height? I think you are smart to seek help. How tall are you?
I'm 5'3" so technically still overweight, but yes I do feel big. I'll discuss this with the therapist too.
Thanks.
You aren't unhealthfully overweight, and as someone who is also 5'3, at your weight I didn't feel like I looked my best or like I wanted to (not saying you are the same, I have a small frame), but -- the important part -- I looked totally normal, not noticeably fat at all, especially in the US today, and could find cute clothes that I felt good in and so on. I went to the doctor at that weight (when still losing) and she said "technically you are overweight, but just a tad, and your health markers are great, so no need to change anything, just keep eating well and staying active). At his point your mental health is probably more significant for overall health, and learning to feel good about yourself without requiring certain external things (like 135 lb) and to deal with the anxiety and a possible eating disorder that will make it even harder, so I think it's probably a good idea to take a break and learn to feel good where you are. You may or may not decide later you want to lose more. I've had lots of goals I've put off or reevaluated and changed my mind about.
The fat and hopeless thing is in your head, and one of the things you will be working on. And if people in your life really do treat you that way, learning to deal with that or get them out of your life will be a thing to work on.
Thank you. Taking a break to accept myself where I am now and reframe would help.
Hi OP, I've read the thread a couple of times now and keep coming back to this, because you sound just like my youngest daughter. She had the same struggle and it was hard for her to trust her mother and I when we told her that she was beautiful just as she was.
That didn't mean that if she was uncomfortable with where she was at, wanted to change some things about herself, that it wasn't ok. It meant that her value as a person was every bit as high being overweight as it would be if she lost that weight.
Your value is NOT in that number on the scale.
It's not in other peoples opinions either. You're getting some great support and advice here in this forum, and I'd like to suggest you simply smile at peoples comments and start building a support group around you at home. You mentioned your congregation. Look for other women your age group there too. You'll be surprised how many folks who only look like they have it all together at church...don't.
Stay with it and be kind to yourself. 6 -
New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »I How can I tell myself it's okay to stay where I am for the long haul?
I think this is entirely the point of the therapist. You have some disordered thinking that is preventing you from viewing your situation objectively and that is causing you to be unreasonably hard on yourself. That is not likely to change without professional help. And once you've learned to view things in the right context, just think of the possibilities it might open up for you in all areas of your life, not just your weight & health!
I think I may have shared this link with you before, and I'll also leave it here for lurkers:
https://www.smartbmicalculator.com/
It's a tool for realistically assessing your health risk, based on age, weight, & other factors. Of course, it doesn't account for existing health conditions or family history. However, you have been told that your numbers are great and your weight is fine for now. Can you genuinely say if you got to 135 that you would suddenly cease to worry excessively about these issues? Do you truly think 10 lbs would make a critical difference? You are an extremely fit and active person... I would venture to guess that you are far better off health-wise than most sedentary people that are a several lbs lighter.
As to the comments from others- sadly, they are feeding into this weakness you have, but I'm guessing deep down you know these people have a problem, even if it is just thoughtlessness, that ultimately has nothing to do with you. Have you heard this quote before:
"You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do."
You are a beautiful, healthy woman, and I'm so excited for you to get the extra help you need to realize it! 4 -
My goal weight is on the high end of my height range. I set this goal on purpose. So once I reach it I can reevaluate and see if I can go lower. If not, I'll still have met my original goal.2
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After losing 100lbs, but still being shy of my ultimate goal weight for months now (a year actually), I have to remember that being *slightly* in the overweight category, but having an active, healthy lifestyle is still better than being 100lbs overweight. I would love to drop this last 10-15lbs forever, and I think I'll do it...but it's gonna be hard work of balancing exercise and diet to get there. I think a lot more of my body composition now than I did when I was just trying to shed lbs. I'm overall pretty happy with any progress (even if it's maintaining-ish) as long as I feel good about my body composition and athletic abilities.
If I had to stay at this weight forever? Fine by me.3 -
Thanks for your advice everyone. Therapy is a definite.6
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New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »Specific examples? Being asked by coworkers why I'm still big (their words) for someone who's always at the gym. Being recommended a certain supplement to take when "I'm finally ready to lose all that weight" by a former friend. A congregation member saying I'm smaller but just not there yet. It gets irritating.
1st sounds like they're jealous that you actually bother to keep going and are finding a way to to bring you down.
2nd, well, is it a supplement they sell with an MLM by any chance?
3rd may just be trying to encourage you to keep going, or just being an *kitten*.
15lbs over your goal isn't that much, it's far less than most people carry. Having people who think it's ok to be that rude to you around isn't because of you, it's the type of people they are. They'll always find something to criticise. Too big, too small, too bulky.
If it'd make you feel better, you could ask your therapist if you could set a small defecit, 100 cals a day or something. Would still keep you losing slowly but not excessively.
But your mental health is really important, every bit as important as your physical health, you've gotten your weight to a point to improve your physical health, taking the time to improve your mental health is a good thing too.3 -
New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »New_Heavens_Earth wrote: »I've been thinking this over and its very hard. Please bear with me.
I've been trying to get back to 135 for a while, but my weight has been hovering around 147 to 150 for the most part. My highest weight was 208, and I've lost most of it on WW, and got down to 135 here around 2017.
I'm seeing a dietitian (RD) for weight loss, and she referred me to a therapist for a possible eating disorder (binging and excessive exercise). We discussed my weight goals, again I want 135 lbs, and she recommended that I accept my current weight as a goal until things calm down. She also asked how I would feel if I never reached 135. I'm worried about health, I want skin removal surgery, I just want people to stop treating me like I'm fat and hopeless. That's why I'm still pursuing it.
My question is if anyone had to take a hard look at their efforts or life situation and decide if what they've already achieved is enough. Even if it means giving up a goal, or changing a goal. How can I tell myself it's okay to stay where I am for the long haul?
Thanks.
Can you give any specific examples of people treating you as fat and hopeless at your current weight? I ask because I find it difficult to imagine that in a society filled with people who are actually obese (not sure where you live, of course), someone who is only slightly overweight is being treated as fat and hopeless.
I bring this up because it seems to me that in addition to having an unrealistic perception of your own body, you may be projecting that perception on to other people and assuming they view you that way too.
As others have said, these seem like issues to discuss with your therapist.
Specific examples? Being asked by coworkers why I'm still big (their words) for someone who's always at the gym. Being recommended a certain supplement to take when "I'm finally ready to lose all that weight" by a former friend. A congregation member saying I'm smaller but just not there yet. It gets irritating.
I'm sorry people are being so terrible. The simple response is people who act like that towards you don't deserve to have their opinions affect you, especially a former friend. But easier said than done. Because it hurts.
"I'd rather be overweight than rude. Weight can be lost, being a jack*ss is forever" could be a response for these folks that offered their unsolicited opinions/advice that should shut them the *kitten* up.
Or, you could turn the other cheek and be kinder and say something like, "I don't find your comments helpful or motivating, in fact they hurt and I'd appreciate you not making comments about my body in the future."
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