Goal weight still overweight
Replies
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.15 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".9 -
SarahMorganP wrote: »Anyone else have a goal weight that still puts them in the overweight category? I am 5'2" and my goal weight is 160lbs. That puts me at overweight, 1lb under being moderately obese. The charts say the highest I should be is 121. I think that is absurdly ridiculous.
I started 12 weeks ago at 235 and am currently 198.
Anyone else have a higher goal weight?
You should stop losing weight according to whatever you are comfortable with unless medically told you need to lose more. BMI charts are based on populations not individual. I am at my goal weight of 160 at 5'5 but that is also considered overweight. I don't think you have to base your personal goal on anything other than what you are personally comfortable with.2 -
SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
Honestly I think you need to find a new therapist. I've been in and out of therapy (mostly in) for 16 years or so. Various different therapists, different cities (and two countries), and different therapeutic modalities. It wasn't until I started seeing my current therapist that things started falling into place more. I'll still need likely years of therapy, but there's far more forward momentum than there was.
Echoing this. I recently terminated with a therapist after about 2.5 years, because I realized we weren't getting anywhere -- and I was placing the blame squarely on my shoulders.
Well, it turns out that it wasn't either of our fault -- I just needed someone who does CBT or DBT, and she only did interpersonal and art. And what I needed was more problem solving and less "let's talk about feelings and life, and let that trickle down into fixing the other problems."
7 -
i only worry about 10 pounds at a time. where i end up is where i end up.
lost 130 total so far. ideally, have 30ish more to go, but... whatever. if i get there i get there, and if not im still living a healthy lifestyle.
and find a better therapist.8 -
My doctor gave me a healthy weight range of 145-165 for my height and build. That’s how I chose my initial goal. It was just to be somewhere in that range. Once I got here I re-adjusted based on how I felt. Whatever goal you set now doesn’t have to be your final goal.
I’m between 5’7” and 5’8” for reference. The top end of the range given by my doctor put me just outside the BMI chart recommendations but only by a few pounds.
Edited to add - based on the OPs comments I definitely agree with looking for a different therapist. I have PTSD and a history with eating disorders. It took multiple therapist before I found the right one. My eating disorder was definitely linked to my trauma, as a way of punishing and controlling my body. I’d suggest looking for a therapist who specializes in eating disorders since your food intake and desired weight is directly linked to your phobias just based on my own experience. When I started working with someone who got the eating and food part she finally helped me separate and work on the two things individually while acknowledging how they were very much linked.2 -
SarahMorganP wrote: »Anyone else have a goal weight that still puts them in the overweight category? I am 5'2" and my goal weight is 160lbs. That puts me at overweight, 1lb under being moderately obese. The charts say the highest I should be is 121. I think that is absurdly ridiculous.
I started 12 weeks ago at 235 and am currently 198.
Anyone else have a higher goal weight?
Literally in the same boat as you. Same height/weight goals.1 -
I'm 5'10 and my UGW is around 175 which is a few lbs over a healthy BMI. I've been 175 before, i've been lower as well and I know 175 for me is my limit. Everyone carries weight differently2
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".
I was responding to a post that described fear as something to be eliminated, as though it is in all cases irrational, never a signal to be reckoned with.4 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".
I was responding to a post that described fear as something to be eliminated, as though it is in all cases irrational, never a signal to be reckoned with.
I read the post you were replying to as suggesting techniques for managing fear that was not commensurate with a situation: "Panic attacks" was the term used, and it was being used by someone who said they've had them.
Suggesting ways to moderate panic attacks is not "gaslighting."12 -
collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
Honestly I think you need to find a new therapist. I've been in and out of therapy (mostly in) for 16 years or so. Various different therapists, different cities (and two countries), and different therapeutic modalities. It wasn't until I started seeing my current therapist that things started falling into place more. I'll still need likely years of therapy, but there's far more forward momentum than there was.
Echoing this. I recently terminated with a therapist after about 2.5 years, because I realized we weren't getting anywhere -- and I was placing the blame squarely on my shoulders.
Well, it turns out that it wasn't either of our fault -- I just needed someone who does CBT or DBT, and she only did interpersonal and art. And what I needed was more problem solving and less "let's talk about feelings and life, and let that trickle down into fixing the other problems."
Exactly - I am bit of the opposite because I ended up realizing that DBT was not for me for a whole host of reasons. It turns out I need someone who has a psychodynamic approach given what turns out to be the root of most of my issues.
All that is to say OP (and anyone else reading and thinking that therapy just doesn't work for them), therapy isn't a one size fits all sort of thing. There are so many different types of therapy and what works for one person might not work for another person. Additionally, the therapeutic relationship is really important. The therapist I had most recently to my current therapist was a great therapist, but it was really clear to me that we were going nowhere about 3 months in. She actually applauded me for how well I handled terminating therapy with her given the circumstances.3 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".
I was responding to a post that described fear as something to be eliminated, as though it is in all cases irrational, never a signal to be reckoned with.
I read the post you were replying to as suggesting techniques for managing fear that was not commensurate with a situation: "Panic attacks" was the term used, and it was being used by someone who said they've had them.
Suggesting ways to moderate panic attacks is not "gaslighting."
We all come from our own space.
To me, suggesting that worrying about assault, rape, and other acts of violence is the problem, rather than that assault, rape, and other acts of violence are the problem, is ... well ... the problem.3 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".
I was responding to a post that described fear as something to be eliminated, as though it is in all cases irrational, never a signal to be reckoned with.
I read the post you were replying to as suggesting techniques for managing fear that was not commensurate with a situation: "Panic attacks" was the term used, and it was being used by someone who said they've had them.
Suggesting ways to moderate panic attacks is not "gaslighting."
We all come from our own space.
To me, suggesting that worrying about assault, rape, and other acts of violence is the problem, rather than that assault, rape, and other acts of violence are the problem, is ... well ... the problem.
Perhaps you missed my posts suggesting self-defense classes and mentioning that I carry pepper spray?
I do see where you are coming from, but I don't think you see where I was coming from. The OP framed her fear of the man on the elevator as an irrational fear, and I was responding with my strategies for dealing with irrational fears.
I was in no way suggesting that all fears are irrational.12 -
160 is healthier than 235 for sure. If that’s what you’re comfortable with, go for it. You can always change your mind later. Don’t base your goal on other people’s comments, because they can be all over the place and rarely accurate for “you”.
I’m 5-7 and 160 is the top of my healthy BMI and my maintenance range, I’m no skinny Minnie.4 -
kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".
I was responding to a post that described fear as something to be eliminated, as though it is in all cases irrational, never a signal to be reckoned with.
I read the post you were replying to as suggesting techniques for managing fear that was not commensurate with a situation: "Panic attacks" was the term used, and it was being used by someone who said they've had them.
Suggesting ways to moderate panic attacks is not "gaslighting."
We all come from our own space.
To me, suggesting that worrying about assault, rape, and other acts of violence is the problem, rather than that assault, rape, and other acts of violence are the problem, is ... well ... the problem.
Perhaps you missed my posts suggesting self-defense classes and mentioning that I carry pepper spray?
I do see where you are coming from, but I don't think you see where I was coming from. The OP framed her fear of the man on the elevator as an irrational fear, and I was responding with my strategies for dealing with irrational fears.
I was in no way suggesting that all fears are irrational.
OK. Then apparently we're in agreement that not all fears are irrational. I'm glad we've found some common ground.
I pushed a man off an elevator once. We were in a fairly deserted parking garage around midnight, and he started talking about how deserted it was and asking whether I worried about getting assaulted coming back there alone at night -- it just set off all kind of creepy/danger vibes. When the doors opened and he started to step forward, I gave him a shove in the small of his back and punched the door-close button, but the stupid doors just stayed open. He started to step back in so I rushed past him (I may have put a little shoulder into it) and ran to my car. Was he going to assault me? I'll never know. I'm OK with that.
11 -
I seem to have a higher goal weight than most. I would love to lose at least a hundred pounds, which would bring me to 153. I would be really happy with 143 and ecstatic at 133. But seriously if I even get to 173 (out of Obese BMI) it would still be a nice achievement (Yes, I lack confidence in my abilities)5
-
lynn_glenmont wrote: »
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
You are using the term "gaslighting" incorrectly. Do not use it so easily, as gaslighting is a very big deal, and not something to use lightly. It is not okay to accuse someone as "gaslighting" when they are genuinelytrying to be helpful.
7 -
saramelie77 wrote: »I seem to have a higher goal weight than most. I would love to lose at least a hundred pounds, which would bring me to 153. I would be really happy with 143 and ecstatic at 133. But seriously if I even get to 173 (out of Obese BMI) it would still be a nice achievement (Yes, I lack confidence in my abilities)
Just start with an initial goal and then reevaluate. Goals are changeable.3
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