Talking to a Loved One About Weight Loss

witchaywoman81

sepiaroad wrote: »

witchaywoman81 wrote: »

lin_be wrote: »

Maybe a different question to ask is...those of us who were obese, how would we have reacted or what would we have wanted to hear from someone who was trying to help?

Personally, it makes me REALLY uncomfortable when someone brings up my weight. It’s usually my mother who does it. I’ve found the best approach for my sanity is not to even say anything to her about my weight loss journey. It’s a vicious cycle.

The day after THANKSGIVING, she texted me to say that she’s noticed I’ve put on a lot of weight and she’s really concerned about me. It made me feel like complete *kitten*, on top of feeling bloated from overeating the day before.

There was a thread on here a few years ago--what was the worst thing someone has said about your weight and the overwhelming majority of comments were from mothers to their daughters. Some were so hurtful I was literally in tears reading that thread.

I wonder if that has to do with how historically, such a huge focus has been put on how women should look. They need to be thin, pretty, and well-put together.

In my case, I think it started with my mom's mom, my grandmother. She died when I was 5, but from what my mom says, she was always a bit obsessed with her weight. My mom is the same way. She's never been more than slightly overweight my entire life. She had me on "diets" from the time I was 13. Oh, the 90s, when everything was "low fat."

It's taken awhile for me to undo my damaged relationship with food, and to be honest, some days I feel like I have a long way to go before I'm consistently in a healthier mindset. I don't blame my mom for this, per se. She passed down to me what she was taught. I do, however, see the damage it has done, not only to me, but to her, as well. Her self-worth is far too wrapped up in the number on the scale.

I now have a young daughter of my own, and it's my goal to teach her to be healthy and strong, and for her to know that what she weighs is only a small fraction of who she is as a person.

cobalt108

It’s great that your concerned enough to want to help. Don’t sit back and watch, get involved in their life in a positive way that supports a growth mindset and their goals.
i have struggled with my weight and have made a big loss over the past few years. My aunt is inactive and has been gaining more since her dog passed and she doesn’t get out to walk him.
She is retired, single,no kids and very frugal. She spends almost all her time at home by herself watching politics. She talks about food, diets and calories etc all the time but doesn’t make progress. For her and maybe your loved one it’s going to be an actions speak louder than words thing. Anything you could say about the weight keeps the focus on the wrong place. Guarantee every time they walk out their door they are reminded that they are fat and dont ‘fit’ in the world. It is very embarrassing to feel this way. Also, maybe they are lost without life goals? This could be a contributor to why their stalling getting their health together. Maybe they need a life coach influence more than a diet right now? They need a ‘why’ that’s bigger than just good health.
This is what is working for my aunt: instead of just inviting her to excercise with me, I shared with her that I gained some weight over the holidays and was really stressed about not losing it/not having time to hit the gym and being afraid of gaining it all back. ( which is 100% true). I asked HER for support and to be my accountability buddy. This made her feel empowered and not like a poor pathetic fat person who needs to be ‘walked’ by a relative who felt sorry for her. She came to the gym as my guest to do Tai chi class with me. It was great. Even though it is low impact it establishes a routine for both of us. Just getting her in the routine and getting out of the house a bit, seeing other fit gym people taking their health seriously, made a huge difference. One day after class I asked her to try the indoor walking track with me for just a lap or 2 and she went along with it and liked it. Now she goes sometimes even when I’m not with her, she even made chit chat friends with some of the ladies. While she hasn’t dropped a lot of weight or drastically changed her eating habits. She has lost a little and Thats better than gaining! I see a total change in her demeanor because helping keep me on track gave her an attainable goal.

Being very overweight can be very isolating, especially when young. I really regret all the young years I spent heavy and missed out on so much of life and opportunities. I wish I had better guidance. For me, The weight was only the problem people could see, but it actually was only a symptom or manifestation of bigger problems in all aspects of my life. It’s possible your loved one has a little of the same that needs to be sorted out first.
It is a big commitment to want to help someone lose weight/get their life together. Your doing a great thing just caring and wanting to get involved.

Sorry for the long post & good luck!

Amaris_89

The only person in my immediate family that has a significant amount of weight to lose, if he wanted to, is my brother and he's been very successful at it before. When he decides to do it he can but he has to be the one in charge of that decision. There is no way to hint or shame him into it, which I feel is a good thing. He's the one that has to do the work after all, so it should be up to him when to start. I have less weight to lose myself, but know that if someone else had told me about it my first thought would have been "you really think I'm unaware? I live in my own body and I compare myself to the standards around me constantly". It would have harmed my relationship with that person more than anything. I doubt there are many overweight people out there that are oblivious to their problem, it's just that for some reason they're still unable to or unwilling, to take the steps necessary to change it.

dsboohead

They don't need to be told they are fat and you are concerned. They know it already!
They are not ready to make changes.
Just be there when they are ready

squiffiegirl

Good luck!

No matter the concern...drinking, drugs, smoking, staying in an abusive relationship, gambling, out of control spending, unhealthy weight ( be it obesity or anorexia)...

No one can motivate someone else to change. Any approach will be viewed as criticism. Save your breath.

SnifterPug

My mother made a big thing of weight when I was in my early teens and even had my school involved. At the time I was overweight but not obese. It did nothing except turn weight into a horrible issue, which it has been for most of my adult life. I can understand your concerns but voicing them is more likely than not to be counter-productive. If you yourself are slim and healthy the person will probably think you won't understand their situation. If you yourself have overcome weight issues the person will probably think they can never measure up to you. If you yourself have not overcome weight issues they will probably think you're not worth listening to.

steveko89

I can only speak to my experience growing up as I don't have a situation where excess weight is significantly impacting an immediate family member. I was never egregiously overweight as a kid, maybe 15-20% over "healthy", but was a noticeable amount of extra fat until I finally lost to a healthy weight at age 17. It was certainly something I was aware of and it had an effect on my self esteem. Instead of trying to solve the problem my parents (mostly mom) took the same "everyone is built differently" approach others mentioned. I recognize that dealing with overweight children can be difficult and precarious, but I'd rather have been able to reach and maintain a healthy weight as an adolescent as there are psychological repercussions I still struggle with today; body dysmorphia, imposter syndrone, general social awkwardness, etc. I played sports growing up and was ok-to-good as most things but never really excelled athletically. At 30 I've stayed in the "healthy" weight range since that initial weight loss in high school, have taken up weight lifting, hit the 1000lb club, can roll out bed and run a 10k, and sit at approximately 12% body fat; most would consider me in good, if not great physical shape. I rarely feel or think about myself that way though. I still struggle with what I perceive is excess body fat, meticulously track my food and calories, and lift 4-6 times per week, all to look... ok, I guess?

phx92

I know it’s an old thread but I was the unhealthy family member, and probably the best example I had of family intervention was my aunt giving me a good example to follow and including me in her own healthier lifestyle. Not just “hints” or really any discussion about my weight, but she was making healthier choices and gave me the chance to participate in that w her. Some helpful things she did:

inviting me to go exercise with her (sending out an invite to join in on exercise she was already going to do, which opened a door instead of putting it on me)

talking about actual health goals besides just weight loss (wanting to build strength, protect joints, improve pain etc which helped me discover my own goals)

including me in healthy meals (having healthy dinner/lunch together, talking about recipes and how to make them lighter or more nutritious)

She never judged me, always made it clear that my health and happiness was important, and it was always nice to spend time with her so I had a built in incentive to do healthier things.

Even joining in for meals, she would just leave the option open: “I’m going to x fast food place bc I like their salad, do you want to try that with me? But would have gotten me a burger with no comment had I asked

It was really helpful to have an environment to practice making healthy choices, and most of my better habits that I do have come from the time I spent with her

samhennings

phx92 wrote: »

I know it’s an old thread but I was the unhealthy family member, and probably the best example I had of family intervention was my aunt giving me a good example to follow and including me in her own healthier lifestyle. Not just “hints” or really any discussion about my weight, but she was making healthier choices and gave me the chance to participate in that w her.

This is exactly where I was going to go with my reply.

I think people need to be ready to lose weight, it takes time to get mentally in the right place. And, sometimes, it takes time even to realise the extent of the issues and to own up to them.

I would suggest just living as a good example to someone, being inclusive - but not pushy - is really the best way to be.

Eventually, when (or if) they are ready, they can join in. And they can start with baby steps.

But even while they arent joining in, you can be sure they are paying attention, and your example could well be something helping them with that initial mental exercise.

CipherZero

runnermom419 wrote: »

To be honest, it may have helped me NOT get up to 320 pounds. Everyone around me said I was "just fine" and "big boned". Except I was on a path to an early grave. Finally, when someone gave me real talk, it struck a nerve and I changed.

God-damn it, this. If my spouse tells me one more time I look fine and I'm not overweight I'm going to scream. BMI 37 isn't a measure of health on anyone's scale.

170cm and 98kg is not "fine" unless you're lifting weights like it's your job and/or have some serious chemical assistance.

icemom011

To add to the discussion, i believe that it's easier and sometimes more helpful to hear from someone who is not close to you. Definitely not a family member. In my case, it was a doctor that suggested i give it another go. I told my history with yoyo dieting and the fact that at the end, i was left with extra 10 lbs from where i started and that i have given up on being able to lose weight. But i was looking at possibly having a carpal tunnel surgery, which i didn't want. So he was losing weight himself, and we had a good honest discussion. He was eating prepackaged meals though, which i didn't want. So i did a little looking around, found MFP, made my own food, learned proper portion sizes, stayed in the deficit and bingo! Almost 3 years in maintenance. My daughter found MFP through friend, and we have an open communication on the weight subject. My son just gets annoyed and upset no matter how i approach the topic with him. Seems like even if i just mind my own food, he takes jabs at me. Which was very hurtful, so i talked to him about how unfair he's being and it's stopped. But ultimately, person has to be ready to choose to lose weight.