Bulimia. Please don't judge me, I need help.

whatsmynameagain123

I've set up this page so I can ask this question and not disappoint any of my MFP followers and friends. The past almost 2 years I've lost a lot of weight and reached my target. I have the body I dreamed of. My problem is my appetite overtakes me sometimes and makes me panic so much. Last year in October or November, I started a new relationship and that combined with my fear of gaining weight/ obsession with staying slim, I started to throw up after I ate. I didn't feel too bad about it because after I did it, I wouldn't feel hungry for ages. Looking back now I can see how much it's escalated. I don't really do the typical things that 'bulimics' do, as in eat a whole load of stuff in one go and then go and throw up. For me it's more that I'll tell myself I can have my healthy mean and whatever else, stay within my calorie limit, and stick to my 1200 per day. But always afterwards I have the nagging urge to throw up and I always do it.

I have done so much research and reading up about bulimia, I am completely aware of the risks to my health. I don't want to be doing this. I'm ashamed to say this but before I started doing this, I would have judged someone with an eating disorder and thought to myself "why don't they just stop, just decide not to do it anymore, just quit" I probably still would think this about other people although I know that makes me a massive hypocrite. I'm an intelligent person and I do care about my health. I don't want to develop a heart condition or ruin my teeth or damage my body. I'm also aware that my body is absorbing calories as I eat and that throwing up my food won't get rid of all the calories.

My question is to recovered/recovering bulimics. Please tell me how I can help myself. I don't want this for myself and I don't want this burden on my life. Nobody, none of my family or friends or partner know this is happening. It's become a daily thing, several times a day at times.

I don't want to be told the harm I'm causing myself, I just want help to get past it and stop. Thanks x

kriskris92

You need to speak with a professional. Eating disorders are serious problems but you can overcome it with the right resources and support. I'm glad you're trying to get healthy and I hope you find the help you need, but I don't think a group of strangers on the internet will be able to do that for you.

Tell your partner, a friend, a family member, someone. It will be an awful, painful conversation, but they can't support you and help you through it if they don't know.

blt0087

First of all, thank you for wanting to get better. Not many people can find it in themselves to reach out and actually ask for help. What I did was instead of going to the bathroom after I ate I would immediately go outside and walk/run. The more I did that, the less I had a desire to purge after eating. Early in my recovery stages I would go for a walk for an hour or two and then come back, get bored, beat myself up, and try to throw up again..two hours later makes it a bit more difficult. I would do this everyday to the point where I just didn't want to try anymore cuz it was too much of a pain in the butt.

If you don't want to go for a walk or run, just replace it with a different form of exercise. By the time you're through with it, you'll be so proud of yourself for doing it the right way instead of risking your health to get thinner. I started making my primary focus to get healthier, not skinnier, but healthy. Once I got that into my head, it was amazing at how much I DIDN'T want to throw up. Sure every now and then I have that thought pass through my mind, but I know its extremely unhealthy and that tomorrow is a brand new day.

You already stated that you like eating healthy food, that's perfect. Just stop there. It's already good for you, you're getting the nutrients you need, now focus on burning the calories off instead of purging. I'm not saying you should go and workout for 6 hours straight and burn every calorie you ate, but try and create a deficit. I promise you, it pays off in the end. I've lost over 60lbs just watching my calorie intake and exercising. Sure it takes awhile longer, but its much more beneficial, and I actually feel healthier.

All that being said, good luck on your journey, and I really hope you can put this behind you. :flowerforyou:

flynnem4

I'd seek out a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, and speak to your doctor if you have one (they may be able to refer you to a therapist as well). I'd also think about whether anything specific precipitated your starting to purge, or if there's anything ongoing in your life that is causing you serious stress or problems. It's not uncommon for eating disorders to be a way for people who feel out of control to take control.

I'd also take the time every day to remind yourself that you are not a bad person, and you're worth loving and being cared for. You have a problem that lots of other people have had and still have, and they aren't bad people either. You're not alone. If you feel comfortable, pick a family member or tell your partner about your purging. And be kind to yourself as much as possible, you're worth it.

lilmiss_sunshine29

speak to a certified health professional as soon as you can.
it's great you can reflect on how far you have come & acknowledge this is an issue.
all the best to you...

HRLaurie614

You've gotten some great advice. I have nothing else to add but a virtual hug!

You are on the right path if you are coming here to ask for help, but you really should reach out to someone who can help you in person. It's a hard next step, but an important one.

ShannonKN

I think that the people above me pretty well covered it. Great big hugs to you, and a huge high-five for recognizing that you need help with this. You deserve to be healthy.

sukiwabi

I'm sorry i can't help with advice - in that i haven't btdt...but i *know* you can get better. like you said, you know the risks involved - you know this is not healthy and that your body will suffer. making this post is great - it shows that not only do you know you're in too deep, but that you want to reach out so that you can stop hurting yourself.
make a goal of making at least 3 phone calls tomorrow that are focused on getting assistance. have no shame, the people who will be willing to guide you through without judgement of your illness will be able to help you come around.
much care to you.

itsanunu

Wow. That sounds really gross, I feel so sorry for you. I hope you get the help from a psychologist or something.

sukiwabi

Wow. That sounds really gross, I feel so sorry for you. I hope you get the help from a psychologist or something.

sometimes when you are new to a forum, it's a good idea to sit back for a bit and see what the board culture is like. just sayin.

KathleenMurry

I've been where you are. Bulimia in high school and a short stint of anorexia in college (it lasted until I became a skeleton and then I went to the doctor for help and recovered quickly). My problem wasn't necessarily eating disorders - they were just symptoms of another problem. After working with a therapist and psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that I had OCD, generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I've been medicated for it for years and just came off the meds within the past couple months. I replaced the meds with intense training (basically just steered my obsessive behaviour in a more productive and healthy direction).

My point is bulimia may not be the real problem here - it could be a sign that something bigger is happening and you may not be able to figure it out on your own or with the help of strangers online. I suggest you talk to your doctor and have him/her connect you with a good therapist. I know it's embarrassing - it's funny that when I see my doctor, I try to come across as healthy as possible as if I assume she's judging me - I'm glad I got over that. You need to take care of yourself and open up to someone.

So sorry you're going through this. I know it's horrible and confusing and almost impossible to tackle all by yourself. I'm sending all my positive vibes your way!

You can get beat this!

LeviLeDoux

Bulimia is a two part thing: binging and purging. Without binging it is not bulimia. It sounds like you may have purging anorexic tendencies. I wish you all the best in your recovery. It's a long, hard road but well worth it. :flowerforyou:

penutbuttercups01

I feel like i can relate as I had something similar but not purging just using laxatives instead, it causes just as much phisical as well as psychological damage, i have been laxative free for 3 weeks now, and it has been super tough, that feeling of fullness all the time is very nerve wrecking... but it is possible to recover , although it is a slow process, I am seeing a naturopath and psycologist to hep me through, because not only did i have laxative bulimia as they callit but also early signs of depression and well alot of stress which is led me to adrenal fatigue...

Sorry to hear you are going through this but stay positive and talk to peopl especially your partner because you will need moral support to help you get through.
Best of luck x

michellekicks

Please do not be ashamed. This actually happens to a lot of people who lose a lot of weight. I have had several friends confide in me that they have walked that road. In fact, when I first lost all the weight and got to my goal, I used over-exercising as a disordered way of maintaining my figure and my unhealthy relationship with food at the same time for a while. It takes time to learn about ourselves and figure out what makes us really tick. I hope you do seek out professional help. It's not really a food issue.

whatsmynameagain123

Thank you all, so much. I've been on the other side of the MFP world for so long and I know my real story has been an inspiration to a lot of people. I did lose all my weight the proper way and I haven't really lost any weight through bulimia, if anything I've just maintained through it and I do understand how unhealthy it is. I would never want my friends or family to know. I did have a really traumatic and life changing time last year and I do think maybe I haven't dealt with it properly. I'm a very suffer alone type of person as unhealthy as that may sound. I prefer to handle things by myself. I could NEVER tell my family, friends or my partner about this problem for many reasons. I guess I feel like now that I've recognised how serious the problem is, and want to end it, I feel that if anyone knew, it would be something that people would always be worried about or be watching out for. I don't want that. I just want to get better, by myself, and get past it. Thanks again for not judging, and for the kind words, I will figure it out and get it under control. X

vogue1222

Hi there friend. I know how you are feeling, and have gone through some similar issues myself. In short, I used to be a ballet dancer....barely ate, threw up "occasionally" when I did eat too much, or ate something "unhealthy". I never once considered myself to be anorexic or bulimic. Neither did my family. After an injury that caused me to end my future career as a dancer, my body went through some changes (changes that probably are normal...hips, boobs, etc) and I had a very difficult time dealing with my "new body". Bottom line is this: I have never reverted to my previous behavior because I know that it will not only hurt me, exponentially, but it will also hurt the very people I love most. However, my problems then turned into this constant mental battle....skip lunch? Or hurt my fiancé? I never wanted to hurt anyone else, so I just ate the minimum to get by and bottled all of those thoughts to myself. To this day I have body image issues and I sometimes contemplate skipping meals, or days of eating...because I know I can do it. Generally, I just try to eat healthy when I'm feeling that way....but occasionally those obsessive thoughts overcome my mind. I will spare you the lecture of how dangerous this behavior is to your body (and mind). I am assuming that either a.) you've researched this already, and b.) someone on here will lay out those consequences for you. Having been in a similar situation, my suggestion is this: Please, I urge you, to talk to your family physician. He/She will be able to help you. If your doctor is not well-versed in this matter, he/she will refer you to someone who is. I also advise you to let your family know that you're going through this, and ask them to be supportive as you seek help. Do this in whatever order you prefer....but please do this before you can't undo the damage. My fiancé was so supportive of me, I went to my doctor because I had sleep issues, and decided "this is your chance to get some help and come clean"....so I just laid it all on the table. My mom was a little hard on me at first, but the next day she was much more supportive. Please do not fear that people will judge you; because this is your life and you need to get yourself out of this situation. Please, contact your doctor and talk to your family. Best of luck to you....keep us posted as you work on becoming healthy.

sarah44254

It is really worthwhile to get help from a professional. They are knowledgeable about a lot of different methods you can try to help get yourself away from this habit. The sooner you stop this, the better for you in the (very) long run it will be. I had full fledged bulimia in high school for just under 2 years, a lot like you, to only really want to purge things i thought unnecessary or unhealthy, i didn't really have big binges.

but

i lost all 4 of my wisdom teeth, they were pieces and sharp edges by the time i had them removed at age 25 when i finally had enough money saved up to do it

and still, still to this day 12 years later i have trouble keeping food (and liquids!) from coming back up. they play a stupid bouncy game in my esophagus and it is terribly annoying and i have bad heartburn from it as well. it doesn't leave me alone.

i saw professionals about my depression and my bipolar disorder, but not the bulimia. i had already stopped it myself by the time i had funds to see a therapist, but the therapy i DID get was incredibly helpful and i have faith that a therapist will be the right path for you.

long story short: please see a therapist, be prepared for a long road of recovery that is VERY achievable. you can do it.

whatsmynameagain123

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whatsmynameagain123

I'd seek out a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, and speak to your doctor if you have one (they may be able to refer you to a therapist as well). I'd also think about whether anything specific precipitated your starting to purge, or if there's anything ongoing in your life that is causing you serious stress or problems. It's not uncommon for eating disorders to be a way for people who feel out of control to take control.

I'd also take the time every day to remind yourself that you are not a bad person, and you're worth loving and being cared for. You have a problem that lots of other people have had and still have, and they aren't bad people either. You're not alone. If you feel comfortable, pick a family member or tell your partner about your purging. And be kind to yourself as much as possible, you're worth it.

Thank you. I did lose somebody very important to me last year and went through a very rough time. One of the reasons I feel I can't tell my mother or my best friend, is because in October I am moving to a different country with my job. I know they'll be really worried about me being away from home and they'll assume my problem will get worse. I'm going to have a look for a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Thanks again x

lizzieloucaws

If you really cant face seeking professional help, what about support groups? also websites? getselfhelp.co.uk is a fantastic resource and has information on the cycle of bulimia and self help strategies such as menu planning and contracts, distraction stuff. there is also stuff on mindfulness which i have found really helpful in my everyday life and this is about relaxation or being aware of the present moment. Along a similar line what about yoga and other meditative practices? You have clearly done a fantastic thing to lose weight in the first place and you have dedication so be kind to yourself. Things will get better and well done for being brave and seeking suppoty and help in the first place.

rachael1805

I have been here too. Not excessive binging, actually, I never excessively binged. But if I regretted eating something, or eating too much of something, namely a heavy carb meal at night, I would force myself to vomit it up. I used to say that it was ok if I controlled it to 'just' dinner, but then I started doing it at lunch (at high school) and even breakfast as well. So my theory of controlling it got out of control, of course. I developed a few strategies to deal with it. Firstly, I didn't allow myself to shower (which was where I purged) for 2 hours at night after I ate, and exercised instead, and I slowly made food choices that didn't make me want to purge. If I ate salad, it didn't sit in my stomach heavily and make me paranoid about all the calories. I felt light after having eaten light and didn't feel the need to get it out.

Hope that helps in some way; not the best advice, but I hope it's relieving to you to know that other people have been there and it can end and you CAN get past this. Best wishes

kitfulofstarling

First of all, thank you for wanting to get better. Not many people can find it in themselves to reach out and actually ask for help. What I did was instead of going to the bathroom after I ate I would immediately go outside and walk/run. The more I did that, the less I had a desire to purge after eating. Early in my recovery stages I would go for a walk for an hour or two and then come back, get bored, beat myself up, and try to throw up again..two hours later makes it a bit more difficult. I would do this everyday to the point where I just didn't want to try anymore cuz it was too much of a pain in the butt.

If you don't want to go for a walk or run, just replace it with a different form of exercise. By the time you're through with it, you'll be so proud of yourself for doing it the right way instead of risking your health to get thinner. I started making my primary focus to get healthier, not skinnier, but healthy. Once I got that into my head, it was amazing at how much I DIDN'T want to throw up. Sure every now and then I have that thought pass through my mind, but I know its extremely unhealthy and that tomorrow is a brand new day.

You already stated that you like eating healthy food, that's perfect. Just stop there. It's already good for you, you're getting the nutrients you need, now focus on burning the calories off instead of purging. I'm not saying you should go and workout for 6 hours straight and burn every calorie you ate, but try and create a deficit. I promise you, it pays off in the end. I've lost over 60lbs just watching my calorie intake and exercising. Sure it takes awhile longer, but its much more beneficial, and I actually feel healthier.

All that being said, good luck on your journey, and I really hope you can put this behind you. :flowerforyou:

Such a good advice. I think I can take it as well, I don't purge myself, but I do have guilty feelings when I eat a bit more than I should. I'll take this tips for myself!

MyJourney1960

sending you lots of hugs and also urging you to seek professional help. I can imagine that you are going through a very stressful and painful time. There is help out there - please reach out for it.

D

lua_

See a doctor. Keep thinking of your health when faced with eating normally and not purging.

T0FatToB3S1ck

I'm bulimic myself. If you want to talk feel free to message me. This community isn't "supportive" of people with EDs. They are quick to report anything you type about the subject even if you are not encouraging it and are trying to recover.

T0FatToB3S1ck

First of all, thank you for wanting to get better. Not many people can find it in themselves to reach out and actually ask for help. What I did was instead of going to the bathroom after I ate I would immediately go outside and walk/run. The more I did that, the less I had a desire to purge after eating. Early in my recovery stages I would go for a walk for an hour or two and then come back, get bored, beat myself up, and try to throw up again..two hours later makes it a bit more difficult. I would do this everyday to the point where I just didn't want to try anymore cuz it was too much of a pain in the butt.

If you don't want to go for a walk or run, just replace it with a different form of exercise. By the time you're through with it, you'll be so proud of yourself for doing it the right way instead of risking your health to get thinner. I started making my primary focus to get healthier, not skinnier, but healthy. Once I got that into my head, it was amazing at how much I DIDN'T want to throw up. Sure every now and then I have that thought pass through my mind, but I know its extremely unhealthy and that tomorrow is a brand new day.

You already stated that you like eating healthy food, that's perfect. Just stop there. It's already good for you, you're getting the nutrients you need, now focus on burning the calories off instead of purging. I'm not saying you should go and workout for 6 hours straight and burn every calorie you ate, but try and create a deficit. I promise you, it pays off in the end. I've lost over 60lbs just watching my calorie intake and exercising. Sure it takes awhile longer, but its much more beneficial, and I actually feel healthier.

All that being said, good luck on your journey, and I really hope you can put this behind you. :flowerforyou:

I'm guessing you never heard of Exercise Bulimia. You go and work out instead of throwing up to burn the calories you just consumed. The exercise is just another form of purging. It just switches her from throwing up to working out hardcore and fasting. One step closer to Anorexia...

lindustum

You should seek professional help. Yes, self-help websites and internet forums can be great, but I think they are best used alongside, not instead of, professional help.

My first instinct personally would be to see a therapist, not a ED specialist because as you say you went through a rough patch and you don't share your struggle. As people have already mentioned, addressing the underlying issues might help you more than treating your current behaviour as an isolated problem- but that is only under the assumption that you have no imminent health risks... everybody here can only guess what you need, so - really- seek out SOMEONE that you feel most comfortable sharing with.

Once you got it out, it will be easier to speak to others as well. If a councilor refers you to a specialists instantly, it might already be much easier for you.

pearson114

I'm sorry I don't know enough regarding bulimia or eating disorders to offer any meaningful help or advice, but I just wanted to wish you (and anyone else going through similar experiences) the best of luck in your recoveries.

Keep strong!

StrawberryThief

That really sucks, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

Other than a little not-eating as a teenager, I really am unable to relate but I know enough to be aware that recognising the issue and wanting help for it is a huge first step. you've recognised it's not making you happy and you're no longer in control of this situation, and that's really brave and brilliant.

Honestly, though, the internet really can't help with this one. Posting somewhere where you know your situation might be received with hostility isn't going to help you. I'd suggest getting in touch with your healthcare provider, or with a charity that can offer you advice and support.

Good luck xx

mareeee1234

Hey girl !

I used to go through phases of purging every day, multiple times. It stopped when I started to exercise and make exercise my ROUTINE. I made exercise "my thing". I would go to the gym everyday and get a good workout in, in combination with calorie counting (an appropriate healthy amount)

This is just what helped me, and I have read that other bullimics found getting into an exercise routine helped them. Make FITNESS your passion!

Focus on getting fit and healthy, and hopefully it will all come together! You will look amazing too and feel amazing and healthy. You want to be happy and healthy? The key is finding the balance, find what works for you and live a healthy balanced life

All the best! xxxxxxxxxxxx :flowerforyou:

whatsmynameagain123

You should seek professional help. Yes, self-help websites and internet forums can be great, but I think they are best used alongside, not instead of, professional help.

My first instinct personally would be to see a therapist, not a ED specialist because as you say you went through a rough patch and you don't share your struggle. As people have already mentioned, addressing the underlying issues might help you more than treating your current behaviour as an isolated problem- but that is only under the assumption that you have no imminent health risks... everybody here can only guess what you need, so - really- seek out SOMEONE that you feel most comfortable sharing with.

Once you got it out, it will be easier to speak to others as well. If a councilor refers you to a specialists instantly, it might already be much easier for you.

Thank you. I've thought about telling my best friend as I know I can trust her. But again I know she'll worry about me and will probably assume that things will escalate more with this and it will be something she'll worry about forever, I don't want her to have to worry about me. I just want to be able to control myself. I think I do have an irrational fear of becoming huge again. But I know this is not the way. I already feel it affecting my health, my skin has become dry and my hair is gone cr*p, and I'm freezing cold most of the time. I get the shakes too. And I only have myself to blame. I'm going to start looking for someone to talk to and will think some more about whether to tell my friend. Thanks x