Other people's kids
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On a serious note, people are biologically programmed to prefer and more favorably treat their own DNA offspring. That doesn't excuse mistreating anyone else's offspring and I'm not suggesting it. But the expectation these days that sex partners should live with other peoples' children (draining their time and resources and patience) and be happy with that arrangement is unrealistic. I'm not saying it never happens that a step parent really loves a step kid or vice versa. But it's pretty rare.
I would avoid a sex partner who already has kids. If you don't have kids, definitely go with someone who also doesn't. I think that's natural and you owe it to yourself. People who already have kids are best suited for each other, blended families and some such.
And you should listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Sirius/XM Stars (channel 109) and get her take on this whole thing because she doesn't mince words. I'd risk a ban just paraphrasing her to give you an idea where she stands on the issue.
Damn - sucks for those of us that were adopted eh ? No love for us. I'd like to see some backup for this claim.
Yeah that's a completely different situation and a completely different decision making process that has nothing to do with inheriting steps by proxy by getting entangled in a romance.
Not really. I was personally adopted at age 10 by my biological mother's partner. My biological father died when I was a baby. The assertion that someone would have an innate preference for biological children would apply regardless of the legal scenario in place. Why would "step" children be any different than legally adopted children? They still don't share DNA.
At any rate I was just wondering about any actual backup or studies regarding this claim, or if it was just a radio personality doctors opinion.
(Long response, sorry)
Anecdotally I think it's obvious that people prefer their own children. Most people don't even like children, certainly not other peoples'. But they all think their own children are geniuses and darlings and genuinely good hearted. And it's always somebody elses' fault when the kids behave badly. Don't ask me to explain it. I don't have children and never wanted any and probably for these reasons. Like I said, there are some exceptions and your situation may be one.
I was also raised as a step. Not even an official step, as I was raised by my grandmother and her boyfriend from the age of 9 onward.
Anyway, my grandmother's boyfriend didn't love me as a biological father would. He tolerated me. He also treated me really, really well - impeccably actually - despite the fact that he didn't love me as a daughter and it was really okay. He never raised his voice on me, he spent all sorts of money on me, he never bad mouthed me or interfered with the decisions my grandmother made regarding me and my care and feeding. He never butted in and he was always kind and low key and bought me Christmas and birthday presents every year and took me and grandma out to dinner 3 times a week every week.
I loved him to pieces, still do and always will even though he didn't "love" me. He treated me better than any man I ever met in my whole life to this day. I didn't care that he didn't love me, I loved him.
But yeah, I stand by my opinion that people without kids should mate with other people without kids.
I'm sure it was a pain in the butt for my grandmother's boyfriend to tolerate me always tagging along on the dates. Also, grandma never allowed him to sleep over and he never did even once. She also never slept at his apartment. They were born in the early 1900s and had traditional, clearly defined morals when it came to carnal matters. I later realized as an adult that they probably used hotels when they wanted to know each other biblically when I was not home in the afternoons and on weekends when I was at a sleepover or whatever. I don't think it was the best arrangement for my grandmother's boyfriend. He sacrificed a lot to tolerate Grandma's grown daughters and grandkids, but he was hopelessly in love with Grandma until the day he died as a very elderly man so he was willing to put up with it.
I had the opposite. With a dead father, and a narcissist mother incapable of loving anyone but herself, my adoptive father was the only parental love I ever had. And he made it very clear that me and my siblings meant the world to him.
So yeah ... I (also anecdotally) challenge the notion that one can't love someone else's children as much as their own. 😁 Which is why I asked for some backup on that premise.
I didn't say they can't. I said it didn't happen frequently in comparison to the traditional way. I believe you that your adoptive father was a Godsend and a blessing. If there were more people like him the world would be a better place.2 -
tinkerhellraiser wrote: »On a serious note, people are biologically programmed to prefer and more favorably treat their own DNA offspring. That doesn't excuse mistreating anyone else's offspring and I'm not suggesting it. But the expectation these days that sex partners should live with other peoples' children (draining their time and resources and patience) and be happy with that arrangement is unrealistic. I'm not saying it never happens that a step parent really loves a step kid or vice versa. But it's pretty rare.
I would avoid a sex partner who already has kids. If you don't have kids, definitely go with someone who also doesn't. I think that's natural and you owe it to yourself. People who already have kids are best suited for each other, blended families and some such.
And you should listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Sirius/XM Stars (channel 109) and get her take on this whole thing because she doesn't mince words. I'd risk a ban just paraphrasing her to give you an idea where she stands on the issue.
Damn - sucks for those of us that were adopted eh ? No love for us. I'd like to see some backup for this claim.
Yeah that's a completely different situation and a completely different decision making process that has nothing to do with inheriting steps by proxy by getting entangled in a romance.
Not really. I was personally adopted at age 10 by my biological mother's partner. My biological father died when I was a baby. The assertion that someone would have an innate preference for biological children would apply regardless of the legal scenario in place. Why would "step" children be any different than legally adopted children? They still don't share DNA.
At any rate I was just wondering about any actual backup or studies regarding this claim, or if it was just a radio personality doctors opinion.
(Long response, sorry)
Anecdotally I think it's obvious that people prefer their own children. Most people don't even like children, certainly not other peoples'
jmo but i love kids
like almost every kid i meet even if they can be annoying theyre fun as hell and way more easy to understand and love than most adults i know
This is true!0 -
tinkerhellraiser wrote: »On a serious note, people are biologically programmed to prefer and more favorably treat their own DNA offspring. That doesn't excuse mistreating anyone else's offspring and I'm not suggesting it. But the expectation these days that sex partners should live with other peoples' children (draining their time and resources and patience) and be happy with that arrangement is unrealistic. I'm not saying it never happens that a step parent really loves a step kid or vice versa. But it's pretty rare.
I would avoid a sex partner who already has kids. If you don't have kids, definitely go with someone who also doesn't. I think that's natural and you owe it to yourself. People who already have kids are best suited for each other, blended families and some such.
And you should listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Sirius/XM Stars (channel 109) and get her take on this whole thing because she doesn't mince words. I'd risk a ban just paraphrasing her to give you an idea where she stands on the issue.
Damn - sucks for those of us that were adopted eh ? No love for us. I'd like to see some backup for this claim.
Yeah that's a completely different situation and a completely different decision making process that has nothing to do with inheriting steps by proxy by getting entangled in a romance.
Not really. I was personally adopted at age 10 by my biological mother's partner. My biological father died when I was a baby. The assertion that someone would have an innate preference for biological children would apply regardless of the legal scenario in place. Why would "step" children be any different than legally adopted children? They still don't share DNA.
At any rate I was just wondering about any actual backup or studies regarding this claim, or if it was just a radio personality doctors opinion.
(Long response, sorry)
Anecdotally I think it's obvious that people prefer their own children. Most people don't even like children, certainly not other peoples'
jmo but i love kids
like almost every kid i meet even if they can be annoying theyre fun as hell and way more easy to understand and love than most adults i know
I actually like fun and funny kids myself. I have a jaded sense of humor and when kids make me laugh it's always in an innocent, endearing way which is refreshing.0 -
I'm a step parent of an 8 year old, have been since he was 4. His real mom is a druggie and bounces from man to man and she lives with her boyfriends parents still and doesn't have a cell phone or car because they don't work to afford one. My stepson is crazy about his mom, so there's that distance between us. As long as his mom is in the picture, he will never look to me as a mother figure. Yes we butt heads and he annoys me. He loves to fight with me and disrespect me because that's what he does with his mom. She provides no discipline with him. So if his mother lets him treat her like *kitten*, he'll do the same for all women no matter how much me and my husband try to enforce differently. We have full custody of him no she gets him Saturday and we get him back Sunday but just those few hours at her house, *kitten* up his whole mental state. It's extremely hard being a step parent especially when you feel like you're raising this kid but have no say so in important matters. So in my opinion, my husband is worth it and I'm constantly trying to make my relationship between me and my stepson work but it's like beating a dead horse so I suck it up and being a very neutral parent. I step in when I need too to raise him but I stay emotionally distant as does he. I have two biological children as well. But if I'd known it'd be this hard it probably would of been a deal breaker at first.3
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I might also add that he didn't have a stable household until I came into the picture. My husband worked full time and military to support him and his son so grandparents were always watching or switching between mom and dad but I came into the picture and he has a stable household now and we have full custody. When we had split custody, he was misbehaving in school and home and talking about guns in school and such (he's 8)1
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I also treat him the same as my children. He has everything he could ever ask for.0
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My own child has not necessarily been an easy person to be around so I might bring some more understanding to being around a difficult kid.
I think some kids can be annoying enough that it would be cause for not getting more involved. It might depend on how the parent sees their child's behavior. If they think their kid is awesome and cute when they are being annoying that would be different than a parent who acknowledges and is working on the behavior. I guess it would depend mostly on the parenting I see going on then the kid.
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On a serious note, people are biologically programmed to prefer and more favorably treat their own DNA offspring. That doesn't excuse mistreating anyone else's offspring and I'm not suggesting it. But the expectation these days that sex partners should live with other peoples' children (draining their time and resources and patience) and be happy with that arrangement is unrealistic. I'm not saying it never happens that a step parent really loves a step kid or vice versa. But it's pretty rare.
I would avoid a sex partner who already has kids. If you don't have kids, definitely go with someone who also doesn't. I think that's natural and you owe it to yourself. People who already have kids are best suited for each other, blended families and some such.
And you should listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Sirius/XM Stars (channel 109) and get her take on this whole thing because she doesn't mince words. I'd risk a ban just paraphrasing her to give you an idea where she stands on the issue.
Damn - sucks for those of us that were adopted eh ? No love for us. I'd like to see some backup for this claim.
Yeah that's a completely different situation and a completely different decision making process that has nothing to do with inheriting steps by proxy by getting entangled in a romance.
Not really. I was personally adopted at age 10 by my biological mother's partner. My biological father died when I was a baby. The assertion that someone would have an innate preference for biological children would apply regardless of the legal scenario in place. Why would "step" children be any different than legally adopted children? They still don't share DNA.
At any rate I was just wondering about any actual backup or studies regarding this claim, or if it was just a radio personality doctors opinion.
(Long response, sorry)
Anecdotally I think it's obvious that people prefer their own children. Most people don't even like children, certainly not other peoples'. But they all think their own children are geniuses and darlings and genuinely good hearted. And it's always somebody elses' fault when the kids behave badly. Don't ask me to explain it. I don't have children and never wanted any and probably for these reasons. Like I said, there are some exceptions and your situation may be one.
I was also raised as a step. Not even an official step, as I was raised by my grandmother and her boyfriend from the age of 9 onward.
Anyway, my grandmother's boyfriend didn't love me as a biological father would. He tolerated me. He also treated me really, really well - impeccably actually - despite the fact that he didn't love me as a daughter and it was really okay. He never raised his voice on me, he spent all sorts of money on me, he never bad mouthed me or interfered with the decisions my grandmother made regarding me and my care and feeding. He never butted in and he was always kind and low key and bought me Christmas and birthday presents every year and took me and grandma out to dinner 3 times a week every week.
I loved him to pieces, still do and always will even though he didn't "love" me. He treated me better than any man I ever met in my whole life to this day. I didn't care that he didn't love me, I loved him.
But yeah, I stand by my opinion that people without kids should mate with other people without kids.
I'm sure it was a pain in the butt for my grandmother's boyfriend to tolerate me always tagging along on the dates. Also, grandma never allowed him to sleep over and he never did even once. She also never slept at his apartment. They were born in the early 1900s and had traditional, clearly defined morals when it came to carnal matters. I later realized as an adult that they probably used hotels when they wanted to know each other biblically when I was not home in the afternoons and on weekends when I was at a sleepover or whatever. I don't think it was the best arrangement for my grandmother's boyfriend. He sacrificed a lot to tolerate Grandma's grown daughters and grandkids, but he was hopelessly in love with Grandma until the day he died as a very elderly man so he was willing to put up with it.
I think people express love in different ways. Obviously I am a complete outsider looking in, but it does sound like he loved you. Maybe in a different way than a biological parent, but maybe not. Many biological parents don't treat their kids half as well as it sounds like you were treated.
I also think it is very cool that you said you were raised by this man even though he did not live in your home. It sounds like he was a very good man and you had a great role model in him. Your grandma was very lucky to have that kind of love in her life.
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tinkerhellraiser wrote: »On a serious note, people are biologically programmed to prefer and more favorably treat their own DNA offspring. That doesn't excuse mistreating anyone else's offspring and I'm not suggesting it. But the expectation these days that sex partners should live with other peoples' children (draining their time and resources and patience) and be happy with that arrangement is unrealistic. I'm not saying it never happens that a step parent really loves a step kid or vice versa. But it's pretty rare.
I would avoid a sex partner who already has kids. If you don't have kids, definitely go with someone who also doesn't. I think that's natural and you owe it to yourself. People who already have kids are best suited for each other, blended families and some such.
And you should listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Sirius/XM Stars (channel 109) and get her take on this whole thing because she doesn't mince words. I'd risk a ban just paraphrasing her to give you an idea where she stands on the issue.
Damn - sucks for those of us that were adopted eh ? No love for us. I'd like to see some backup for this claim.
Yeah that's a completely different situation and a completely different decision making process that has nothing to do with inheriting steps by proxy by getting entangled in a romance.
Not really. I was personally adopted at age 10 by my biological mother's partner. My biological father died when I was a baby. The assertion that someone would have an innate preference for biological children would apply regardless of the legal scenario in place. Why would "step" children be any different than legally adopted children? They still don't share DNA.
At any rate I was just wondering about any actual backup or studies regarding this claim, or if it was just a radio personality doctors opinion.
(Long response, sorry)
Anecdotally I think it's obvious that people prefer their own children. Most people don't even like children, certainly not other peoples'
jmo but i love kids
like almost every kid i meet even if they can be annoying theyre fun as hell and way more easy to understand and love than most adults i know
It's funny because I usually like kids the more time I spend with them. In a general sense, like out at the grocery or in a restaurant the kids that usually cause me to take notice are the ones who are acting up, whining or throwing fits. So I often think that other people's kids are annoying. I assume in those situations most people feel that their own kids are annoying as well. I do recognize there are a million reasons that a child could be acting that way and it may not at all be their fault. If you have the opportunity to spend time with that child and understand their actions and reactions they may not seem "annoying" anymore. That isn't always the case though. Just like adults, there are kids who are just *kitten*.
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I am really black and white on this topic. I would never, ever have dated a person with kids. No. I am 100% childfree by choice and have not wavered on this since I was thirteen years old. So it was never even a possibility for me. I take the topic of parenting very seriously and I would consider becoming a step parent or even "dad's long term girlfriend" role to be outside of "childfree by choice".3
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