When others sabotage your efforts

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MrsBradyBunch
MrsBradyBunch Posts: 182 Member
edited March 2019 in Health and Weight Loss
Have we all come up against this at some time or another? It doesn't even have to be a party or a holiday. Sometimes it's just the family supper. I have found that the worst thing I can do is let anybody know I'm watching what I eat. The minute I say that, cue the food pushing. Whatever I just told them I'm cutting down on, that's what they're going to push. For example, I tell them I'm concentrating on fruits, vegetables, and white meat, and they'll immediately suggest going out for a double bacon cheeseburger.

It's easy to advise me, "Well, just say no." Of course I say no. They keep pushing. "Oh, come on, just have a little." They'll tell me all things are good in moderation, that I don't have to be a fanatic about it, that I shouldn't get carried away and lose too much weight or get too skinny. "Skinny" is one word that has never described me, and they're telling me this while I still have a BMI over 40. A lot of times they tell me I don't need to worry so much about losing weight because I'm beautiful the way I am. Well, thank you very much, but it's not about being beautiful. I'm diabetic and have arthritis, and I'm trying to improve my health, here.

Sometimes they'll make jokes. "We have a machine that takes out all the calories." "Calories don't count on Sundays /birthdays /whatever holiday it is." Or they'll squint and look closely. "Calories? I don't see any calories." They'll try to make me feel rude and unsociable if I turn it down. "Aunt Martha made this. Are you going to hurt her feelings?" I've had family members actually cut me a slice anyway and put it in front of me, completely disregarding that I've said no several times.

They did it with cigarettes and alcohol too. That is, pour me a drink, or actually shove a cigarette into my mouth, even after I told them I'm trying to quit. Generally the people who push alcohol and cigarettes on me are drinkers and smokers themselves, but not all of the ones who push food on me are overweight. To put a stop to this, I've had to go so far as cutting ties with some family members. I moved thousands of miles away and have no contact with them now.

Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
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  • kgeyser
    kgeyser Posts: 22,505 Member
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    MrsBradyBunch wrote: »
    Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?

    Honestly, I have no idea if you are reading it right, because the only side of the story we are getting is yours. The only way you are truly going to get an answer is to ask them. I'm not sure if speculating this way really benefits you in any way, other than as a way to justify your decision to move away. My concern with this way of thinking is that you are ascribing those characteristics to yourself, meaning that you are tying a lot of your worth into your weight. The number on the scale doesn't define your value as a person.

    It sounds like moving away was helpful in removing some of the obstacles that were preventing you from quitting smoking and drinking, and that it helpful in your next step of weight loss. It sounds like you are leaving it in the past by not raising the issue with them. Whether you want to have more contact with them is going to be up to you, but I would encourage setting very clear boundaries with them. In the meantime, what about getting involved with some groups of people near your new home who have similar goals? It may be easier to deal with the family drama when you have a strong support system of people who build you up. That way if you do have an incident with family, it won't drag you down as much as it would trying to face them and the challenges of weight loss alone.

    I'm sorry you are going through this.
  • vanityy99
    vanityy99 Posts: 2,583 Member
    edited March 2019
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    I have a friend who acts like that towards me and another girl who’s also trying to lose weight.

    She gets annoyed at us because all she wants to do is have a good time and simply eat meanwhile she has to deal with two girls, ones trying to figure out how many calories something has, nitpicking, and another girl before even getting her food is asking the waiter for a container. I guess we’re looking crazy to her.

    I understand why she’s annoyed she just wants us to shut up and eat... I don’t care, she can roll her eyes at me till she sees her brain.


    Idk why your friends do this... Maybe they feel awkward still eating while you’re just sitting there, so it’s just something to say to you? Maybe their annoyed because they took the time and money to make all this food, and you won’t touch it?
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,464 Member
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    I think it's more of their own insecurity than any malice towards you. The main thing is that you've quickly learned you should not announce your diet.
  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 9,961 Member
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    MrsBradyBunch wrote: »
    To clarify, it's usually family members doing this. Not so much now, since I got the (ahem) away from them.

    Even my husband does it sometimes, although in his case it's with innocent intentions. For one thing, he may feel it's only polite to offer me some of what he's having. Even if I've told him I've already eaten, he simply can't reprogram himself not to ask. I did manage to convince him to stop asking "Are you sure you don't want any?" five minutes after I say no, thank you. He may bring home something for me that I didn't ask for, and they aren't always the healthiest choices. He may have been under the impression that sugar-free is the same thing as calorie-free, or that anything with "salad" in its name is automatically healthy. He may recall that I ordered it last year when we went out for it, so he figures it's something I like. Doesn't mean I should eat it now, does it? I wasn't on this eating program last year. We eventually came to an understanding. He doesn't want me to buy him clothes he hasn't approved first, because he might not like that style. In the same way, I also don't want him to buy me food I haven't approved first.

    With the rest of the family, yes, I did ask why they food-push when they know I'm watching what I eat. After all, they're the ones who kept telling me I needed to do that. Their response was usually that song and dance about moderation, and not getting "carried away," when I haven't even lost anything yet. If I said no, thank you, they acted like I was in danger of becoming anorexic, and I assure you, that's one problem I have never had.

    I was really on your side based on your first couple of posts in this thread. People shoving cigarettes into your mouth?!? I would have separated myself from them as well.

    But you're starting to lose me here. I don't know if there are cultures with different expectations, but assuming you're in the U.S., you seem to expect people to drop a lifetime of training and habituation to the norm that it is rude to eat in front of someone without offering them some. Asking you if you want some isn't forcing food on you.

    And if you find that you have the same problem with every single person in your life, the common factor in all those situations is ... you. Do you have a problem saying no and sticking to it? Do you feel like you have to justify your choices? (The fact that you're posting here looking for validation for your choices suggests that you do.) Do you have trouble setting boundaries? (The fact that you seem to have let people talk into eating food you didn't want, drink alcohol you didn't want, and smoke cigarettes you didn't want suggests that you do.)

    That said, no one, even family, is entitled to a place in your life. At most they're entitled to an explanation as to why you're separating yourself from them (assuming there's not a safety issue involved in communicating with them), and it sounds like you've done that.

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