When others sabotage your efforts
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MrsBradyBunch
Posts: 182 Member
Have we all come up against this at some time or another? It doesn't even have to be a party or a holiday. Sometimes it's just the family supper. I have found that the worst thing I can do is let anybody know I'm watching what I eat. The minute I say that, cue the food pushing. Whatever I just told them I'm cutting down on, that's what they're going to push. For example, I tell them I'm concentrating on fruits, vegetables, and white meat, and they'll immediately suggest going out for a double bacon cheeseburger.
It's easy to advise me, "Well, just say no." Of course I say no. They keep pushing. "Oh, come on, just have a little." They'll tell me all things are good in moderation, that I don't have to be a fanatic about it, that I shouldn't get carried away and lose too much weight or get too skinny. "Skinny" is one word that has never described me, and they're telling me this while I still have a BMI over 40. A lot of times they tell me I don't need to worry so much about losing weight because I'm beautiful the way I am. Well, thank you very much, but it's not about being beautiful. I'm diabetic and have arthritis, and I'm trying to improve my health, here.
Sometimes they'll make jokes. "We have a machine that takes out all the calories." "Calories don't count on Sundays /birthdays /whatever holiday it is." Or they'll squint and look closely. "Calories? I don't see any calories." They'll try to make me feel rude and unsociable if I turn it down. "Aunt Martha made this. Are you going to hurt her feelings?" I've had family members actually cut me a slice anyway and put it in front of me, completely disregarding that I've said no several times.
They did it with cigarettes and alcohol too. That is, pour me a drink, or actually shove a cigarette into my mouth, even after I told them I'm trying to quit. Generally the people who push alcohol and cigarettes on me are drinkers and smokers themselves, but not all of the ones who push food on me are overweight. To put a stop to this, I've had to go so far as cutting ties with some family members. I moved thousands of miles away and have no contact with them now.
Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
It's easy to advise me, "Well, just say no." Of course I say no. They keep pushing. "Oh, come on, just have a little." They'll tell me all things are good in moderation, that I don't have to be a fanatic about it, that I shouldn't get carried away and lose too much weight or get too skinny. "Skinny" is one word that has never described me, and they're telling me this while I still have a BMI over 40. A lot of times they tell me I don't need to worry so much about losing weight because I'm beautiful the way I am. Well, thank you very much, but it's not about being beautiful. I'm diabetic and have arthritis, and I'm trying to improve my health, here.
Sometimes they'll make jokes. "We have a machine that takes out all the calories." "Calories don't count on Sundays /birthdays /whatever holiday it is." Or they'll squint and look closely. "Calories? I don't see any calories." They'll try to make me feel rude and unsociable if I turn it down. "Aunt Martha made this. Are you going to hurt her feelings?" I've had family members actually cut me a slice anyway and put it in front of me, completely disregarding that I've said no several times.
They did it with cigarettes and alcohol too. That is, pour me a drink, or actually shove a cigarette into my mouth, even after I told them I'm trying to quit. Generally the people who push alcohol and cigarettes on me are drinkers and smokers themselves, but not all of the ones who push food on me are overweight. To put a stop to this, I've had to go so far as cutting ties with some family members. I moved thousands of miles away and have no contact with them now.
Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
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Replies
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People suck. That’s my summary. I’ve been counting calories for 3 years and to this day maybe 3 people know. When I get asked how I lost weight I never elaborate23
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Keep quiet.9
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I just don't get into the discussion. When I was losing I didn't talk about it to anyone at work or most of my family. You have to develop strategies. "Thank you, I don't care for any" was my go-to. You aren't required to explain your food choices. Soon people in your life will figure out you aren't going to eat something just to please them.17
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Honestly is spending less time with them an option? I understand that not everyone is understanding or supportive of weight loss but this seems to be excessive and overkill. It doesn't sound like they are coming from a place of having your best interest at heart, especially if they are trying to push alcohol and cigarettes on you when you are trying to quit those.
Maybe spending less time with them will help them get the message that this type of behavior won't be accepted. They don't seem like the type of crowd that is going to accept a simple "no thank you"12 -
Honestly is spending less time with them an option? I understand that not everyone is understanding or supportive of weight loss but this seems to be excessive and overkill. It doesn't sound like they are coming from a place of having your best interest at heart, especially if they are trying to push alcohol and cigarettes on you when you are trying to quit those.
Maybe spending less time with them will help them get the message that this type of behavior won't be accepted. They don't seem like the type of crowd that is going to accept a simple "no thank you"
That's what I ended up doing, walking away from them. They're living in the east. I moved to the west. I have now successfully quit the cigarettes and alcohol, and the next thing to go is the unhealthy eating. Maybe I'm looking for validation that I did the right thing, especially since these people are related to me. "But we're your family. You HAVE to put up with however we treat you."
Now, since I'm staying away from them, I get a lot of "Can't you leave the past in the past?" Sure I can. But the minute I let these people back into my life, they'll start doing the same things again, and then it won't be in the past anymore.23 -
MrsBradyBunch wrote: »Honestly is spending less time with them an option? I understand that not everyone is understanding or supportive of weight loss but this seems to be excessive and overkill. It doesn't sound like they are coming from a place of having your best interest at heart, especially if they are trying to push alcohol and cigarettes on you when you are trying to quit those.
Maybe spending less time with them will help them get the message that this type of behavior won't be accepted. They don't seem like the type of crowd that is going to accept a simple "no thank you"
That's what I ended up doing, walking away from them. They're living in the east. I moved to the west. I have now successfully quit the cigarettes and alcohol, and the next thing to go is the unhealthy eating. Maybe I'm looking for validation that I did the right thing, especially since these people are related to me. "But we're your family. You HAVE to put up with however we treat you."
Now, since I'm staying away from them, I get a lot of "Can't you leave the past in the past?" Sure I can. But the minute I let these people back into my life, they'll start doing the same things again, and then it won't be in the past anymore.
Well if you're looking for validation I can give you that. People having a place in your life is not something they are entitled to, it's something they earn from their actions. And if they are going to do actions that are not beneficial to your well being, then they haven't earned that right.
I believe in forgiveness, and letting go of the past, but that's not necessarily the same thing as reconciliation. For that to happen they have to demonstrate that they have moved past their past actions and have changed. If they haven't done that, you should forgive them, but forgiveness doesn't mean letting them back in your life if they are still gonna cause you harm.30 -
MrsBradyBunch wrote: »Have we all come up against this at some time or another?
Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
Sabotage is rife. Stay focused and continue with doing what works for you, to stay on course. Those who are entitled to your life, will never once rescind their efforts. They'll keep coming at you, committed to destabilising your center and balance.
You need not explain your choices and decisions, especially now, with this lifestyle overhaul. We're all accountable to our inactions and habits, when it concerns our quality of life - health, nutrition and fitness.
Rock on and work it ... Do you - be your First Person and Priority.8 -
No thank you is polite. No need to elaborate.7
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I've cut ties with immediate family members. It's not worth having people in your life who treat you badly just because they're related to you. Take care of you.18
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MrsBradyBunch wrote: »Have we all come up against this at some time or another? It doesn't even have to be a party or a holiday. Sometimes it's just the family supper. I have found that the worst thing I can do is let anybody know I'm watching what I eat. The minute I say that, cue the food pushing. Whatever I just told them I'm cutting down on, that's what they're going to push. For example, I tell them I'm concentrating on fruits, vegetables, and white meat, and they'll immediately suggest going out for a double bacon cheeseburger.
It's easy to advise me, "Well, just say no." Of course I say no. They keep pushing. "Oh, come on, just have a little." They'll tell me all things are good in moderation, that I don't have to be a fanatic about it, that I shouldn't get carried away and lose too much weight or get too skinny. "Skinny" is one word that has never described me, and they're telling me this while I still have a BMI over 40. A lot of times they tell me I don't need to worry so much about losing weight because I'm beautiful the way I am. Well, thank you very much, but it's not about being beautiful. I'm diabetic and have arthritis, and I'm trying to improve my health, here.
Sometimes they'll make jokes. "We have a machine that takes out all the calories." "Calories don't count on Sundays /birthdays /whatever holiday it is." Or they'll squint and look closely. "Calories? I don't see any calories." They'll try to make me feel rude and unsociable if I turn it down. "Aunt Martha made this. Are you going to hurt her feelings?" I've had family members actually cut me a slice anyway and put it in front of me, completely disregarding that I've said no several times.
They did it with cigarettes and alcohol too. That is, pour me a drink, or actually shove a cigarette into my mouth, even after I told them I'm trying to quit. Generally the people who push alcohol and cigarettes on me are drinkers and smokers themselves, but not all of the ones who push food on me are overweight. To put a stop to this, I've had to go so far as cutting ties with some family members. I moved thousands of miles away and have no contact with them now.
Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
Are these family or friends - if friends, get some new ones. If family, limit the ones you don't 'have' to be around, just opt them out. Just decline, don't go - step out. That being said if it is an event you want to go to. Take the cake, eat a bite, have cup of coffee and tidy up - don't eat the rest of it. Sometimes there are social norms where you toast something, put the cup to your lips and don't drink - quietly pour it in a sink. Your strategic tactics need to improve a little.
If it is close family, show them your medical labs, the ones with the BMI, the fatty liver, the bad cholesterol, the high glucose - whatever it is - and say, this is why I am doing it for my "health" not my "looks".
That being said - weight loss can be a lonely journey, it is your mouth, your fork or spoon. You make the choice no matter what someone says or does.8 -
MrsBradyBunch wrote: »Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
Honestly, I have no idea if you are reading it right, because the only side of the story we are getting is yours. The only way you are truly going to get an answer is to ask them. I'm not sure if speculating this way really benefits you in any way, other than as a way to justify your decision to move away. My concern with this way of thinking is that you are ascribing those characteristics to yourself, meaning that you are tying a lot of your worth into your weight. The number on the scale doesn't define your value as a person.
It sounds like moving away was helpful in removing some of the obstacles that were preventing you from quitting smoking and drinking, and that it helpful in your next step of weight loss. It sounds like you are leaving it in the past by not raising the issue with them. Whether you want to have more contact with them is going to be up to you, but I would encourage setting very clear boundaries with them. In the meantime, what about getting involved with some groups of people near your new home who have similar goals? It may be easier to deal with the family drama when you have a strong support system of people who build you up. That way if you do have an incident with family, it won't drag you down as much as it would trying to face them and the challenges of weight loss alone.
I'm sorry you are going through this.4 -
I have a friend who acts like that towards me and another girl who’s also trying to lose weight.
She gets annoyed at us because all she wants to do is have a good time and simply eat meanwhile she has to deal with two girls, ones trying to figure out how many calories something has, nitpicking, and another girl before even getting her food is asking the waiter for a container. I guess we’re looking crazy to her.
I understand why she’s annoyed she just wants us to shut up and eat... I don’t care, she can roll her eyes at me till she sees her brain.
Idk why your friends do this... Maybe they feel awkward still eating while you’re just sitting there, so it’s just something to say to you? Maybe their annoyed because they took the time and money to make all this food, and you won’t touch it?4 -
I think it's more of their own insecurity than any malice towards you. The main thing is that you've quickly learned you should not announce your diet.3
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I have a friend who acts like that towards me and another girl who’s also trying to lose weight.
She gets annoyed at us because all she wants to do is have a good time and simply eat meanwhile she has to deal with two girls, ones trying to figure out how many calories something has, nitpicking, and another girl before even getting her food is asking the waiter for a container. I guess we’re looking crazy to her.
I understand why she’s annoyed she just wants us to shut up and eat... I don’t care, she can roll her eyes at me till she sees her brain.
Idk why your friends do this... Maybe they feel awkward still eating while you’re just sitting there, so it’s just something to say to you? Maybe their annoyed because they took the time and money to make all this food, and you won’t touch it?
If her purpose for going out was to have a good time, and the people with her don't seem to be having one, I can see the frustration. I would be wondering why we were sitting in that restaurant if eating there was going to be a source of consternation. I've definitely been that person calculating what will fit in my calories, but I think in that situation, you have to acknowledge the social aspect that comes with people dining together. I try to figure out what I'm going to have before I go to the restaurant, then just order and not make a big deal out of it. Maybe I eat a little less to allow for extra calories or just accept that it might be a maintenance day calorie-wise.
It's not okay to sabotage someone else, but there's also another side about not letting a diet get in the way of one's life and friendships. If she's not pressuring you to eat foods you don't want to eat or commenting on what you eat, maybe cut her some slack about just wanting to enjoy a meal without feeling like it's a burden to her fellow diners.18 -
I have a friend who acts like that towards me and another girl who’s also trying to lose weight.
She gets annoyed at us because all she wants to do is have a good time and simply eat meanwhile she has to deal with two girls, ones trying to figure out how many calories something has, nitpicking, and another girl before even getting her food is asking the waiter for a container. I guess we’re looking crazy to her.
I understand why she’s annoyed she just wants us to shut up and eat... I don’t care, she can roll her eyes at me till she sees her brain.
Idk why your friends do this... Maybe they feel awkward still eating while you’re just sitting there, so it’s just something to say to you? Maybe their annoyed because they took the time and money to make all this food, and you won’t touch it?
If her purpose for going out was to have a good time, and the people with her don't seem to be having one, I can see the frustration. I would be wondering why we were sitting in that restaurant if eating there was going to be a source of consternation. I've definitely been that person calculating what will fit in my calories, but I think in that situation, you have to acknowledge the social aspect that comes with people dining together. I try to figure out what I'm going to have before I go to the restaurant, then just order and not make a big deal out of it. Maybe I eat a little less to allow for extra calories or just accept that it might be a maintenance day calorie-wise.
It's not okay to sabotage someone else, but there's also another side about not letting a diet get in the way of one's life and friendships. If she's not pressuring you to eat foods you don't want to eat or commenting on what you eat, maybe cut her some slack about just wanting to enjoy a meal without feeling like it's a burden to her fellow diners.
But their food choices don’t affect her good time. Ordering food doesn’t take too much time when at a restaurant. There’s at least another 60-75 minutes of time that’s not focused on figuring out what to eat.
If they aren’t pressuring her to eat like them, then what’s the problem? Let them take the time they need to order their food, and let the other girl put half in a container so she doesn’t over eat (I’m guessing that’s what she’s doing), and then just enjoy spending time together.
But @vanityy99 I would refrain from speaking about how many calories are in something. Make that mental note to yourself and make the decision that fits in your goals.8 -
Without knowing your family, there's no way for me to know. But I do know that human nature is such that people often feel threatened when the people close to them make significant changes, and can behave in all sorts of crazy ways when it happems.5
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To clarify, it's usually family members doing this. Not so much now, since I got the (ahem) away from them.
Even my husband does it sometimes, although in his case it's with innocent intentions. For one thing, he may feel it's only polite to offer me some of what he's having. Even if I've told him I've already eaten, he simply can't reprogram himself not to ask. I did manage to convince him to stop asking "Are you sure you don't want any?" five minutes after I say no, thank you. He may bring home something for me that I didn't ask for, and they aren't always the healthiest choices. He may have been under the impression that sugar-free is the same thing as calorie-free, or that anything with "salad" in its name is automatically healthy. He may recall that I ordered it last year when we went out for it, so he figures it's something I like. Doesn't mean I should eat it now, does it? I wasn't on this eating program last year. We eventually came to an understanding. He doesn't want me to buy him clothes he hasn't approved first, because he might not like that style. In the same way, I also don't want him to buy me food I haven't approved first.
With the rest of the family, yes, I did ask why they food-push when they know I'm watching what I eat. After all, they're the ones who kept telling me I needed to do that. Their response was usually that song and dance about moderation, and not getting "carried away," when I haven't even lost anything yet. If I said no, thank you, they acted like I was in danger of becoming anorexic, and I assure you, that's one problem I have never had.6 -
MrsBradyBunch wrote: »To clarify, it's usually family members doing this. Not so much now, since I got the (ahem) away from them.
Even my husband does it sometimes, although in his case it's with innocent intentions. For one thing, he may feel it's only polite to offer me some of what he's having. Even if I've told him I've already eaten, he simply can't reprogram himself not to ask. I did manage to convince him to stop asking "Are you sure you don't want any?" five minutes after I say no, thank you. He may bring home something for me that I didn't ask for, and they aren't always the healthiest choices. He may have been under the impression that sugar-free is the same thing as calorie-free, or that anything with "salad" in its name is automatically healthy. He may recall that I ordered it last year when we went out for it, so he figures it's something I like. Doesn't mean I should eat it now, does it? I wasn't on this eating program last year. We eventually came to an understanding. He doesn't want me to buy him clothes he hasn't approved first, because he might not like that style. In the same way, I also don't want him to buy me food I haven't approved first.
With the rest of the family, yes, I did ask why they food-push when they know I'm watching what I eat. After all, they're the ones who kept telling me I needed to do that. Their response was usually that song and dance about moderation, and not getting "carried away," when I haven't even lost anything yet. If I said no, thank you, they acted like I was in danger of becoming anorexic, and I assure you, that's one problem I have never had.
I was really on your side based on your first couple of posts in this thread. People shoving cigarettes into your mouth?!? I would have separated myself from them as well.
But you're starting to lose me here. I don't know if there are cultures with different expectations, but assuming you're in the U.S., you seem to expect people to drop a lifetime of training and habituation to the norm that it is rude to eat in front of someone without offering them some. Asking you if you want some isn't forcing food on you.
And if you find that you have the same problem with every single person in your life, the common factor in all those situations is ... you. Do you have a problem saying no and sticking to it? Do you feel like you have to justify your choices? (The fact that you're posting here looking for validation for your choices suggests that you do.) Do you have trouble setting boundaries? (The fact that you seem to have let people talk into eating food you didn't want, drink alcohol you didn't want, and smoke cigarettes you didn't want suggests that you do.)
That said, no one, even family, is entitled to a place in your life. At most they're entitled to an explanation as to why you're separating yourself from them (assuming there's not a safety issue involved in communicating with them), and it sounds like you've done that.4 -
Asking if I want some is not forcing food on me. Continuing to ask after I have already said no is a problem, one that we have been working on. My husband is a loving man.
Yes, I have boundary issues. Growing up in an abusive, alcoholic family will do that to a person. I could set boundaries all I wanted to, and they'd be bulldozed right over.12 -
MrsBradyBunch wrote: »Asking if I want some is not forcing food on me. Continuing to ask after I have already said no is a problem, one that we have been working on. My husband is a loving man.
Yes, I have boundary issues. Growing up in an abusive, alcoholic family will do that to a person. I could set boundaries all I wanted to, and they'd be bulldozed right over.
Good on you for getting out and getting away. That's one way to set a boundary.5
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