Dating Protocols-Paying

fastfoodietofitcutie

I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while and was wondering how paying for a first date works. Historically, I’ve offered to pay but the guy always says, no, I got it.

Met someone online and met for drinks. We were there about 3 hours and I just had 1 glass of wine for $6.75. The bill came and I offered to pay and he took me up on it, and even calculated tax and tip. This was a complete turn off to me. I’m financially stable. The money wasn’t the issue, it was more the “gentlemanly” thing to do. He is in his early 40’s if that makes a difference.

The date was okay. I’m probably not going to see him again anyway regardless of this paying issue but would like to know for future dating if splitting the check is what people do now.

By the way, if this was dinner and multiple drinks it wouldn’t have bothered me, but it was just one drink. I think women should pick up or split the tab sometimes when dating but 1 drink on a first date, I would think the guy would want to make a good impression. He told me he wanted to see me again so I don’t think it was a situation where he didn’t want to pay for someone he wasn’t into.

sammidelvecchio

When I was dating, I always offered to pay. But I insisted on splitting the check if I knew I didn't want to see him again. However, it didn't bother me the couple times I did end up paying because I offered.

I guess I am just curious why you offer if you get upset when they take you up on the offer?

SwannySez

fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »

I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while and was wondering how paying for a first date works. Historically, I’ve offered to pay but the guy always says, no, I got it.

Met someone online and met for drinks. We were there about 3 hours and I just had 1 glass of wine for $6.75. The bill came and I offered to pay and he took me up on it, and even calculated tax and tip. This was a complete turn off to me. I’m financially stable. The money wasn’t the issue, it was more the “gentlemanly” thing to do. He is in his early 40’s if that makes a difference.

The date was okay. I’m probably not going to see him again anyway regardless of this paying issue but would like to know for future dating if splitting the check is what people do now.

By the way, if this was dinner and multiple drinks it wouldn’t have bothered me, but it was just one drink. I think women should pick up or split the tab sometimes when dating but 1 drink on a first date, I would think the guy would want to make a good impression. He told me he wanted to see me again so I don’t think it was a situation where he didn’t want to pay for someone he wasn’t into.

You offered. Don't offer if you don't want to pay.

"My stars! How dare he take me up on my offer!"

kimber0607

No No No...tacky!
I agree...big turn off!

I think for a first date, or someone you met on line...meeting at a park or for coffee/drink makes sense.
I don't feel like its fair for a guy to pay for a meal and drinks etc if there is no in-person chemistry or a chance of seeing each other again. I personally don't want to sit through an entire meal if its not going to go anywhere.

But I think he should foot the bill for a coffee or drink. geez


Kim

fastfoodietofitcutie

I guess I offer because it’s the polite thing to do.

CoffeeAndContour

I fully expect him to pay on the first date but I come prepared to pay just in case. It is 100% a turn off. I’m a little traditional about dating and too think it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. But I also enjoy paying for the date as well, and treating my new person. Just not the first date. I doubt I’d ever go on second, but this has never happened.

NotSo_LittleRichard

fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »

I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while and was wondering how paying for a first date works. Historically, I’ve offered to pay but the guy always says, no, I got it.

Met someone online and met for drinks. We were there about 3 hours and I just had 1 glass of wine for $6.75. The bill came and I offered to pay and he took me up on it, and even calculated tax and tip. This was a complete turn off to me. I’m financially stable. The money wasn’t the issue, it was more the “gentlemanly” thing to do. He is in his early 40’s if that makes a difference.

The date was okay. I’m probably not going to see him again anyway regardless of this paying issue but would like to know for future dating if splitting the check is what people do now.

By the way, if this was dinner and multiple drinks it wouldn’t have bothered me, but it was just one drink. I think women should pick up or split the tab sometimes when dating but 1 drink on a first date, I would think the guy would want to make a good impression. He told me he wanted to see me again so I don’t think it was a situation where he didn’t want to pay for someone he wasn’t into.

My mom always said don't ask a question you don't want an answer to. Perhaps he wasn't feeling the vibe and when you offered he took you up on it. Or perhaps he is just cheap. Either way dating is pretty simple. You are going to click with certain people and not others. The goal isn't to try to make it work with everyone. So if paying isn't your thing or a turn off, on the the next. It's pretty much a numbers game but you gotta be willing to put in the work. Dating now really sucks because everyone is so disposable. Good luck.

Cassandraw3

Since you did offer to pay, I would just say cut your losses. Also, the fact that he was so willing to let you pay would be a good red flag for not getting a 2nd date. In my opinion, I think the one who asks for the date should be the one to pay in the initial stages of dating. If you know you would not be seeing him again and he asked for the date, I think your best bet would be to just split the check (for future dates).

nooshi713

Dont offer to pay if you don't want to. I believe a man should pay for the first date especially if he asked me out. I offer to pay further down the line.

SwannySez

I stick with a game of morra for the check. Every time. Every date.

MikePTY

fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »

I guess I offer because it’s the polite thing to do.

IMO, it's not particularly polite if you offer with the expectation that they will turn you down and get upset when they take you up on it. It also puts him in kind of a trap of how to respond. Maybe he let you pay for it because he thought that since you asked, you would be offended by the idea of "the man is supposed to pay for it", so he let you pay for it out of that.

I think it's best to just be direct with people and say what you mean and mean what you say. There's nothing wrong with thinking the guy should be picking up the tab, but if that is what you think, then offering to pay it just makes it confusing for your date.

julesdechaine

On the first date/meeting with my boyfriend, he asked me out and I expected him to pay for it; we met for drinks at a bar and then went to dinner afterwards.
The next day, he invited me to an NBA game and as soon as we got into the arena, he asked if I wanted a drink...he was floored that I whipped out my card and paid for our beers. He said he's never been on a date where the woman pays, said everyone he had gone out with expected him to always pay 100%.
We've been together over a year now, and it's pretty even. I even have an account and he has a debit card for it (not joint, yet.)

Reckoner67

I get the OP's frame of mind on this. As a guy, I would always insist on paying--but if the woman offered to pay, the gesture would potentially go farther than if she simply had the *expectation* that I'd always pay.

It was like this when my wife and I were dating, for sure...except she was a broke college student so when she'd get *upset* at her inability to pay for things, that worked. I just needed to see that the expectation wasn't there is all, because otherwise, it woulda been a huge turn-off.

It's not always the act of who's putting out the $$, but the mindset indicators behind the annoying little dances we do, right?

erickirb

If I ask for the date I fully intend and typically do pay. If they ask, I usually would offer to pay for a first date, or go dutch

erickirb

I guess I am just curious why you offer if you get upset when they take you up on the offer?

This... This is playing games, if you have issues paying then don't offer. Maybe offer to pay for your own, and see if he says no prob I got yours too.

He may have felt wrong saying no after you offered to pay, you know treating you as an equal

ETA: Dating and the games suck! blah

erickirb

fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »

I guess I offer because it’s the polite thing to do.

just offer to get your own then, that gives him the option to pick your tab up too, since he is getting a bill anyway

bannock_and_biceps

@Reckoner67 completely agree.

SwannySez

_TomCat_ wrote: »

Since I'm sort of an alpha male type and traditional with this sort of thing I always pay for dates. Even if they offer, I pay.

Also I'm rich so they usually just expect it anyway.

So why then did you ask me to pay? I feel so used. AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH??

JaydedMiss

i mean it seems a little childish to offer and then be upset by paying, But i do get it. I always offer to pay/split it makes me uncomfortable when people buy me things (especially when i know i wont see them again, It makes some weird expectation bubble around everything. )

I was once told by my friends mom men pay because men (its half joke dont get offended men-or women lol) Often literally buy shampoo/conditioner/body wash as an all in one single item, Tend to make more, Tend to get promoted more etc. Men also get ready much quicker in general. And women go out and buy makeup and do their hair and razors get gauged on all the expensive and timely womanly things they do for dates to look good for the man, So least he can do is buy me dinner lol.

Not sure i believe in that really but it did sort of make me realize why it happens lol. Mentally men paying overall is just a sign they can provide for you which independent woman or not feels good. I can see where it comes from, And everyone likes free.

Edit to add: While i do get it, I cant imagine ever having the expectation the man HAS to pay....I dont understand that mindset I wish i did my life would be easier

NotSo_LittleRichard

JaydedMiss wrote: »

i mean it seems a little childish to offer and then be upset by paying, But i do get it. I always offer to pay/split it makes me uncomfortable when people buy me things (especially when i know i wont see them again, It makes some weird expectation bubble around everything. )

I was once told by my friends mom men pay because men (its half joke dont get offended men-or women lol) Often literally buy shampoo/conditioner/body wash as an all in one single item, Tend to make more, Tend to get promoted more etc. Men also get ready much quicker in general. And women go out and buy makeup and do their hair and razors get gauged on all the expensive and timely womanly things they do for dates to look good for the man, So least he can do is buy me dinner lol.

Not sure i believe in that really but it did sort of make me realize why it happens lol. Mentally men paying overall is just a sign they can provide for you which independent woman or not feels good. I can see where it comes from, And everyone likes free.

Edit to add: While i do get it, I cant imagine ever having the expectation the man HAS to pay....I dont understand that mindset I wish i did my life would be easier

This is me and I was able to retire in my early 30's by all the money I saved on a once every 3 month purchase by this clever life hack.