Help! Dealing with unsolicited attention and dysmorphic thoughts 💭

KimberlinaB

Hey guys!

So, I’m not sure where to start but I’ve lost 80+ pounds, and I feel great. Diet and exercise were on point. (Exercise still is) but I’ve gotten to a point that I’m starting to self-sabotage and do some of my old bad diet tricks.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my body and how it looks, but still don’t always see it the way it is now and will still reach for a large top instead of the small that I should be wearing, or a size 12 pant instead of the 6 that Fits best now, so obviously there’s a little dysmorphia at play, but it’s gotten to a point that people I don’t know well (at all) have started commenting on my body (in real life while at work, sending me inappropriate messages on social media, etc...) and it makes me more uncomfortable than I would’ve ever thought possible. When I was heavy, I would’ve been flattered, however, now I just feel gross after hearing some things that are said. 😩

I’ve had a few of these encounters happen within the last week, and have noticed I’ve started stress eating since they happened and I feel like my thought process is that I was more comfortable when I didn’t look like this and have strangers say highly inappropriate things to me for no reason, and that it was easier so I don’t really care anymore. (I do care, so much! I want to keep going in the right direction, and I hate my brain for thinking this way)

I guess other than to rant, I’m not sure what kind of support I’m looking for here, other than if anyone else has experienced something similar, and how to move past it. 🤷🏼‍♀️. I’ve started logging my food again, hoping that will help me stay accountable and curb these bad habits.

How do you deal with unsolicited comments/harassment? (I hate conflict, and I’m a little shy so I’d have a hard time telling someone off)
I understand I do look different, but don’t understand why people think that I’m literally a whole different person.



Thanks for reading my novel, and Any advice is welcome! 🙃

cmriverside

First, you look fantastic. I'm female and I've lived with the inappropriate remarks all my life. When I was 220ish, they stopped. Thank you baby Jesus. I get it. I hate that people are that way. I don't have a solution. Thing is - how often does that work? I mean, "hey baby, nice _ _ _ _ _ !!" ...and then we fall into their arms?? I mean it's so stupid it's comical.

You will be much happier and healthier when you are at goal. It's worth it.

Stooopid is as stoopid does.

KimberlinaB

cmriverside wrote: »

First, you look fantastic. I'm female and I've lived with the inappropriate remarks all my life. When I was 220ish, they stopped. Thank you baby Jesus. I get it. I hate that people are that way. I don't have a solution. Thing is - how often does that work? I mean, "hey baby, nice _ _ _ _ _ !!" ...and then we fall into their arms?? I mean it's so stupid it's comical.

You will be much happier and healthier when you are at goal. It's worth it.

Stooopid is as stoopid does.

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate knowing I’m not crazy for feeling this way at least. Haha 😂

I have no intention of stopping until I hit all my goals, but I’m just so frustrated with myself for letting these A-holes under my skin enough to set me back a little.

One day at a time!

cmriverside

I also got off social media. It's a cesspool.

I don't think it's ever appropriate to comment on someone's body at work, either. I might take that one to HR depending on the nature of it.


As far as strangers - I just pretend I didn't hear them, and forgive them for having no filter. Granted I may think about it for a few moments, but I'm not going to give them space in my head. They don't deserve that. I'm not gonna argue or comment to strangers with boundary issues themselves. That won't end well.

sammidelvecchio

There is nothing you can do to stop it except stay home. That is the unfortunate part about it all.

I am currently struggling with this at my pool. I love going to the pool, and i'm not going to stop, but sometimes I do get totally skeeved out and just want to melt away under my chair. It's really hard to not let it get to you, especially because we all just want to be able to live our lives and be left alone (ok not all of us, some like the attention, but some of us don't). I actually quit my gym because I felt so incredibly uncomfortable there with unwanted stares and advances.

I'm trying to work up the courage to confront the men at my pool, but I am terrified. I spent Sunday night crying. Hang in there, I wish I had a better answer for you.

KimberlinaB

sammidelvecchio wrote: »

There is nothing you can do to stop it except stay home. That is the unfortunate part about it all.

I am currently struggling with this at my pool. I love going to the pool, and i'm not going to stop, but sometimes I do get totally skeeved out and just want to melt away under my chair. It's really hard to not let it get to you, especially because we all just want to be able to live our lives and be left alone (ok not all of us, some like the attention, but some of us don't). I actually quit my gym because I felt so incredibly uncomfortable there with unwanted stares and advances.

I'm trying to work up the courage to confront the men at my pool, but I am terrified. I spent Sunday night crying. Hang in there, I wish I had a better answer for you.

I appreciate your response all the same. It’s nice to know you’re not alone. Wishing you courage! 🤗 We’ve got this!

Five0Six

I don't really have any advice, but don't blame yourself for not wanting to be confrontational. THEY are the jerks for trespassing boundaries, not you. You are not doing anything but existing, they are the ones being creepy about it.

And it's normal to be uncomfortable when someone crosses boundaries, or when they make you feel unsafe. You shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling that way.

MichelleMinn

sammidelvecchio wrote: »

There is nothing you can do to stop it except stay home. That is the unfortunate part about it all.

I am currently struggling with this at my pool. I love going to the pool, and i'm not going to stop, but sometimes I do get totally skeeved out and just want to melt away under my chair. It's really hard to not let it get to you, especially because we all just want to be able to live our lives and be left alone (ok not all of us, some like the attention, but some of us don't). I actually quit my gym because I felt so incredibly uncomfortable there with unwanted stares and advances.

I'm trying to work up the courage to confront the men at my pool, but I am terrified. I spent Sunday night crying. Hang in there, I wish I had a better answer for you.

I'm so sorry people aren't letting you *be* in peace, and I'm sorry they made you cry.

MikePTY

I'm sorry you go through this. Men are jerks.

This suggestion may seem like it's a bit out of left field, but have you thought of taking kickboxing or self defense classes? Not to necessarily use on the creepers (although I'm sure it would be tempting!) but to give you a greater sense of security and power that you would be prepared in case something did escalate. It would also be a healthy and productive for your journey way to work out some of the feelings this triggers in you.

sammidelvecchio

@MichelleMinn Thank you, Michelle.

shaf238

Well, with your martial arts classes take comfort in the fact that you could probably kick their *kitten*

MichelleMinn

Congratulations, Kimberlina, on your success! Ugh to the rest. We live in a really toxic time, not that it was ever great in terms of unsolicited opinions and attention. My only advice is not to let the *kitten* get you down, they don't deserve to interfere with your life.

sammidelvecchio

While the suggestion to take self-defense type classes seems appropriate, it actually infuriates me. So often women are taught how to be safer and how to not get harassed and how to not get assaulted instead of men getting taught to not make women feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And it is a lot easier said than done confronting someone making you feel unsafe. I think as Mike said, it might help someone's anxiety about it to "feel" like we have a better chance at defending ourselves, but speaking personally, I am tired of having to constantly prepare just to make it through my days safely and comfortably. They are good skills to have, but it should be to protect ourselves from everything because you never know what might happen. It shouldn't be, I can't live my life currently without the fear of being assaulted or made to feel unsafe by strange men every single place I go so I need to learn better ways to protect myself. And quite frankly, you can't use martial arts to feel any safer or any less violated from the looks and stares, and even worse the men who lick their lips when you walk by.

And that's not even to mention the "not all men" men. Or the ones who tell us constantly we put ourselves in these situations by the clothes we wear, etc. I should be able to grocery shop any way I please without feeling like I want to order groceries forever online and never go back. Or the ones who call me dramatic for being upset about it.

pinuplove

I know I'm old and uncool, but I really feel like social media opens doors for unwanted familiarity that otherwise wouldn't exist. Practice shutting down the the IRL comments with a killer resting *kitten* face, and don't be afraid to turn around an walk away. I also like the idea of a self-defense class, or anything that ups your confidence and makes you give off the "I can kick your *kitten*" vibe. Then lock your social media down to only people who really matter.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't say it's something I've personally experienced but can definitely see where it would be an unwelcome intrusion.

quiksylver296

sammidelvecchio wrote: »

While the suggestion to take self-defense type classes seems appropriate, it actually infuriates me. So often women are taught how to be safer and how to not get harassed and how to not get assaulted instead of men getting taught to not make women feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And it is a lot easier said than done confronting someone making you feel unsafe. I think as Mike said, it might help someone's anxiety about it to "feel" like we have a better chance at defending ourselves, but speaking personally, I am tired of having to constantly prepare just to make it through my days safely and comfortably. They are good skills to have, but it should be to protect ourselves from everything because you never know what might happen. It shouldn't be, I can't live my life currently without the fear of being assaulted or made to feel unsafe by strange men every single place I go so I need to learn better ways to protect myself. And quite frankly, you can't use martial arts to feel any safer or any less violated from the looks and stares, and even worse the men who lick their lips when you walk by.

And that's not even to mention the "not all men" men. Or the ones who tell us constantly we put ourselves in these situations by the clothes we wear, etc. I should be able to grocery shop any way I please without feeling like I want to order groceries forever online and never go back. Or the ones who call me dramatic for being upset about it.

I totally get what you are saying, and you have a valid point.

My thought is this. Which of these things can you personally correct? You can't change how random men act. You can train and prepare to keep yourself safe.

maureenseel1984

I'd take it higher up. That's sexual harassment. You have protective rights at work. You don't gotta put up with that *kitten*.

pinuplove

quiksylver296 wrote: »

sammidelvecchio wrote: »

While the suggestion to take self-defense type classes seems appropriate, it actually infuriates me. So often women are taught how to be safer and how to not get harassed and how to not get assaulted instead of men getting taught to not make women feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And it is a lot easier said than done confronting someone making you feel unsafe. I think as Mike said, it might help someone's anxiety about it to "feel" like we have a better chance at defending ourselves, but speaking personally, I am tired of having to constantly prepare just to make it through my days safely and comfortably. They are good skills to have, but it should be to protect ourselves from everything because you never know what might happen. It shouldn't be, I can't live my life currently without the fear of being assaulted or made to feel unsafe by strange men every single place I go so I need to learn better ways to protect myself. And quite frankly, you can't use martial arts to feel any safer or any less violated from the looks and stares, and even worse the men who lick their lips when you walk by.

And that's not even to mention the "not all men" men. Or the ones who tell us constantly we put ourselves in these situations by the clothes we wear, etc. I should be able to grocery shop any way I please without feeling like I want to order groceries forever online and never go back. Or the ones who call me dramatic for being upset about it.

I totally get what you are saying, and you have a valid point.

My thought is this. Which of these things can you personally correct? You can't change how random men act. You can train and prepare to keep yourself safe.

Agreed. And 99% of the time, it won't come down to actually defending yourself. If you present yourself as self-assured and confident, most of the time they will move on to an easier target.

A case of "I didn't make the world, I just try to live in it."

MikePTY

sammidelvecchio wrote: »

While the suggestion to take self-defense type classes seems appropriate, it actually infuriates me. So often women are taught how to be safer and how to not get harassed and how to not get assaulted instead of men getting taught to not make women feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And it is a lot easier said than done confronting someone making you feel unsafe. I think as Mike said, it might help someone's anxiety about it to "feel" like we have a better chance at defending ourselves, but speaking personally, I am tired of having to constantly prepare just to make it through my days safely and comfortably. They are good skills to have, but it should be to protect ourselves from everything because you never know what might happen. It shouldn't be, I can't live my life currently without the fear of being assaulted or made to feel unsafe by strange men every single place I go so I need to learn better ways to protect myself. And quite frankly, you can't use martial arts to feel any safer or any less violated from the looks and stares, and even worse the men who lick their lips when you walk by.

And that's not even to mention the "not all men" men. Or the ones who tell us constantly we put ourselves in these situations by the clothes we wear, etc. I should be able to grocery shop any way I please without feeling like I want to order groceries forever online and never go back. Or the ones who call me dramatic for being upset about it.

I don't disagree with anything you are saying here. Women certainly shouldn't be made to feel like they are the ones responsible for dealing with harassment, rather than men not doing the harassing. If you are talking about systemically, we need to change the system that fosters and permits these type of things to happen.

OP was asking about things she could personally do though, and I still stand by my suggestion. As someone who has had their life changed by self defense training, and who trains in a school with a large amount of women, Ive seen how it can help both men and women find their strength and realize their full power. I recommend it for everyone, not just for people dealing with harassment, but for everyone to feel more secure and powerful in their everyday lives. It can also be a positive outlet, rather than stress eating, to deal with any of life's angers, hurts, and stresses.

TravisJHunt

Wow, comments at work are uncool, as a manager I'd have some real issues if I heard someone calling out woman (or men for that matter) in a work place setting. Let me apologize for all the douche bags out there. I run regularly and never knew until recently that guys whistle and yell at ladies who do the same thing I get to do everyday in peace and quiet. A friend of mine's wife is in great shape and a beautiful lady (both inside and out) and he was telling me its almost every time she goes out for a run. She's on busy streets so she isn't worried about safety. I'll admit I'm a less than appropriate guy in many situations but I still can't fathom yelling at some women I don't know about how hot her rear is, let alone while she's trying to enjoy an activity. Takes a special kind of ar$eh0le to do that. While I can't do much about all the idiots doing this now, I can promise I'm raising my son to be respectful. While my dad was around, we were raised mainly by our mother and she taught us respect for woman and I think a lot of people never received that memo. I guess we still have a long way to go in life before people treat each other with the dignity and respect we all deserve. While I know it goes without saying, try not to let them get to you too much and remember you are improving yourself for you and doing a great job at it! That's a great amount of weight you've lost already and your life will be better because of it! Keep punching!

GymGoddessGoals

sammidelvecchio wrote: »

While the suggestion to take self-defense type classes seems appropriate, it actually infuriates me. So often women are taught how to be safer and how to not get harassed and how to not get assaulted instead of men getting taught to not make women feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

THIS IS SO TRUE!!!! As if the problem begins and ends with the female and her body. Absolutely infuriating.

oceangirl99

Wow. This is unacceptable anytime and especially at work and it needs to be dealt with. I'm a huge advocate of resiliency. Usually the actions of other people have very little to do with yourself and more to do with themselves. Your weight loss didn't turn anybody into a jerk. They were jerks before you lost weight, they are now and likely will be going forward. Don't let it get you down. You be you! To be clear, I'm not suggesting being resilient means you just brush everything off, but thinking about it in a different way may make you feel better. Congratulations on the loss by the way!