Help! Dealing with unsolicited attention and dysmorphic thoughts 💭

Hey guys!

So, I’m not sure where to start but I’ve lost 80+ pounds, and I feel great. Diet and exercise were on point. (Exercise still is) but I’ve gotten to a point that I’m starting to self-sabotage and do some of my old bad diet tricks.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my body and how it looks, but still don’t always see it the way it is now and will still reach for a large top instead of the small that I should be wearing, or a size 12 pant instead of the 6 that Fits best now, so obviously there’s a little dysmorphia at play, but it’s gotten to a point that people I don’t know well (at all) have started commenting on my body (in real life while at work, sending me inappropriate messages on social media, etc...) and it makes me more uncomfortable than I would’ve ever thought possible. When I was heavy, I would’ve been flattered, however, now I just feel gross after hearing some things that are said. 😩

I’ve had a few of these encounters happen within the last week, and have noticed I’ve started stress eating since they happened and I feel like my thought process is that I was more comfortable when I didn’t look like this and have strangers say highly inappropriate things to me for no reason, and that it was easier so I don’t really care anymore. (I do care, so much! I want to keep going in the right direction, and I hate my brain for thinking this way)

I guess other than to rant, I’m not sure what kind of support I’m looking for here, other than if anyone else has experienced something similar, and how to move past it. 🤷🏼‍♀️. I’ve started logging my food again, hoping that will help me stay accountable and curb these bad habits.

How do you deal with unsolicited comments/harassment? (I hate conflict, and I’m a little shy so I’d have a hard time telling someone off)
I understand I do look different, but don’t understand why people think that I’m literally a whole different person.

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Thanks for reading my novel, and Any advice is welcome! 🙃
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Replies

  • KimberlinaB
    KimberlinaB Posts: 4,018 Member
    First, you look fantastic. I'm female and I've lived with the inappropriate remarks all my life. When I was 220ish, they stopped. Thank you baby Jesus. I get it. I hate that people are that way. I don't have a solution. Thing is - how often does that work? I mean, "hey baby, nice _ _ _ _ _ !!" ...and then we fall into their arms?? I mean it's so stupid it's comical.

    You will be much happier and healthier when you are at goal. It's worth it.

    Stooopid is as stoopid does.

    Thanks for your comment. I appreciate knowing I’m not crazy for feeling this way at least. Haha 😂

    I have no intention of stopping until I hit all my goals, but I’m just so frustrated with myself for letting these A-holes under my skin enough to set me back a little.

    One day at a time! :)
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,416 Member
    edited June 2019
    I also got off social media. It's a cesspool.

    I don't think it's ever appropriate to comment on someone's body at work, either. I might take that one to HR depending on the nature of it.


    As far as strangers - I just pretend I didn't hear them, and forgive them for having no filter. Granted I may think about it for a few moments, but I'm not going to give them space in my head. They don't deserve that. I'm not gonna argue or comment to strangers with boundary issues themselves. That won't end well.

  • KimberlinaB
    KimberlinaB Posts: 4,018 Member
    There is nothing you can do to stop it except stay home. That is the unfortunate part about it all.

    I am currently struggling with this at my pool. I love going to the pool, and i'm not going to stop, but sometimes I do get totally skeeved out and just want to melt away under my chair. It's really hard to not let it get to you, especially because we all just want to be able to live our lives and be left alone (ok not all of us, some like the attention, but some of us don't). I actually quit my gym because I felt so incredibly uncomfortable there with unwanted stares and advances.

    I'm trying to work up the courage to confront the men at my pool, but I am terrified. I spent Sunday night crying. Hang in there, I wish I had a better answer for you.

    I appreciate your response all the same. It’s nice to know you’re not alone. Wishing you courage! 🤗 We’ve got this!
  • Five0Six
    Five0Six Posts: 110 Member
    I don't really have any advice, but don't blame yourself for not wanting to be confrontational. THEY are the jerks for trespassing boundaries, not you. You are not doing anything but existing, they are the ones being creepy about it.

    And it's normal to be uncomfortable when someone crosses boundaries, or when they make you feel unsafe. You shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling that way.
  • MichelleMinn
    MichelleMinn Posts: 90 Member
    There is nothing you can do to stop it except stay home. That is the unfortunate part about it all.

    I am currently struggling with this at my pool. I love going to the pool, and i'm not going to stop, but sometimes I do get totally skeeved out and just want to melt away under my chair. It's really hard to not let it get to you, especially because we all just want to be able to live our lives and be left alone (ok not all of us, some like the attention, but some of us don't). I actually quit my gym because I felt so incredibly uncomfortable there with unwanted stares and advances.

    I'm trying to work up the courage to confront the men at my pool, but I am terrified. I spent Sunday night crying. Hang in there, I wish I had a better answer for you.

    I'm so sorry people aren't letting you *be* in peace, and I'm sorry they made you cry.
  • sammidelvecchio
    sammidelvecchio Posts: 791 Member
    @MichelleMinn Thank you, Michelle.
  • shaf238
    shaf238 Posts: 4,022 Member
    Well, with your martial arts classes take comfort in the fact that you could probably kick their *kitten* :)
  • MichelleMinn
    MichelleMinn Posts: 90 Member
    Congratulations, Kimberlina, on your success! Ugh to the rest. We live in a really toxic time, not that it was ever great in terms of unsolicited opinions and attention. My only advice is not to let the *kitten* get you down, they don't deserve to interfere with your life.
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    I know I'm old and uncool, but I really feel like social media opens doors for unwanted familiarity that otherwise wouldn't exist. Practice shutting down the the IRL comments with a killer resting *kitten* face, and don't be afraid to turn around an walk away. I also like the idea of a self-defense class, or anything that ups your confidence and makes you give off the "I can kick your *kitten*" vibe. Then lock your social media down to only people who really matter.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't say it's something I've personally experienced but can definitely see where it would be an unwelcome intrusion.
  • maureenseel1984
    maureenseel1984 Posts: 395 Member
    I'd take it higher up. That's sexual harassment. You have protective rights at work. You don't gotta put up with that *kitten*.
  • TravisJHunt
    TravisJHunt Posts: 533 Member
    Wow, comments at work are uncool, as a manager I'd have some real issues if I heard someone calling out woman (or men for that matter) in a work place setting. Let me apologize for all the douche bags out there. I run regularly and never knew until recently that guys whistle and yell at ladies who do the same thing I get to do everyday in peace and quiet. A friend of mine's wife is in great shape and a beautiful lady (both inside and out) and he was telling me its almost every time she goes out for a run. She's on busy streets so she isn't worried about safety. I'll admit I'm a less than appropriate guy in many situations but I still can't fathom yelling at some women I don't know about how hot her rear is, let alone while she's trying to enjoy an activity. Takes a special kind of ar$eh0le to do that. While I can't do much about all the idiots doing this now, I can promise I'm raising my son to be respectful. While my dad was around, we were raised mainly by our mother and she taught us respect for woman and I think a lot of people never received that memo. I guess we still have a long way to go in life before people treat each other with the dignity and respect we all deserve. While I know it goes without saying, try not to let them get to you too much and remember you are improving yourself for you and doing a great job at it! That's a great amount of weight you've lost already and your life will be better because of it! Keep punching!
  • GymGoddessGoals
    GymGoddessGoals Posts: 2,146 Member
    While the suggestion to take self-defense type classes seems appropriate, it actually infuriates me. So often women are taught how to be safer and how to not get harassed and how to not get assaulted instead of men getting taught to not make women feel unsafe and uncomfortable.


    THIS IS SO TRUE!!!! As if the problem begins and ends with the female and her body. Absolutely infuriating.
  • oceangirl99
    oceangirl99 Posts: 161 Member
    Wow. This is unacceptable anytime and especially at work and it needs to be dealt with. I'm a huge advocate of resiliency. Usually the actions of other people have very little to do with yourself and more to do with themselves. Your weight loss didn't turn anybody into a jerk. They were jerks before you lost weight, they are now and likely will be going forward. Don't let it get you down. You be you! To be clear, I'm not suggesting being resilient means you just brush everything off, but thinking about it in a different way may make you feel better. Congratulations on the loss by the way!
  • TravisJHunt
    TravisJHunt Posts: 533 Member
    There is nothing you can do to stop it except stay home. That is the unfortunate part about it all.

    I am currently struggling with this at my pool. I love going to the pool, and i'm not going to stop, but sometimes I do get totally skeeved out and just want to melt away under my chair. It's really hard to not let it get to you, especially because we all just want to be able to live our lives and be left alone (ok not all of us, some like the attention, but some of us don't). I actually quit my gym because I felt so incredibly uncomfortable there with unwanted stares and advances.

    I'm trying to work up the courage to confront the men at my pool, but I am terrified. I spent Sunday night crying. Hang in there, I wish I had a better answer for you.

    No one should ever have to quit anything because someone else is a a-hole. Sorry you experienced this. With both a son and a daughter at a young age, I'm trying my best to raise them both to be strong and take other people's feelings into account. Especially my little guy because it seems men are just so much more likely to go down a bad road and be idiots.
  • MichelleMinn
    MichelleMinn Posts: 90 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    Problem is, the men aren't posting here asking how to be more chivalrous. The advice that was given was something proactive she can do for herself. Should it be necessary? No. But people are just trying to help her out with the problem she is having. If she just wanted to vent about creepy AF, rude, misogynistic pigs, then fine. Vent away. No more suggestions.

    I get it that the advice was well-intentioned.
  • puffbrat
    puffbrat Posts: 2,806 Member
    Wow! I appreciate all the feedback.

    I can see where everyone is coming from, I do actually practice jiu jitsu regularly, but that’s just so I feel confident in my abilities to handle myself if danger is present.

    I have 2 sons, and will do everything in my power to make sure they grow up knowing right from wrong, and how to (and how not to) treat a lady.

    The work comment is more so when I’m helping out at my parents store, and pertains to creepy customers. My co-workers are lovely and I have nothing bad to say about them. They are so encouraging and supportive.

    I really appreciate the dialogue this has created. Each and every comment is valued! 🤗

    In that case, practice recognizing that their behavior is about them, not you and ignore them. I know that isn't easy to do but it may be the healthiest option for you.
  • kimny72
    kimny72 Posts: 16,011 Member
    puffbrat wrote: »
    Wow! I appreciate all the feedback.

    I can see where everyone is coming from, I do actually practice jiu jitsu regularly, but that’s just so I feel confident in my abilities to handle myself if danger is present.

    I have 2 sons, and will do everything in my power to make sure they grow up knowing right from wrong, and how to (and how not to) treat a lady.

    The work comment is more so when I’m helping out at my parents store, and pertains to creepy customers. My co-workers are lovely and I have nothing bad to say about them. They are so encouraging and supportive.

    I really appreciate the dialogue this has created. Each and every comment is valued! 🤗

    In that case, practice recognizing that their behavior is about them, not you and ignore them. I know that isn't easy to do but it may be the healthiest option for you.

    Yeah, people can be weird. And awkward. And needy. And weird. Working with the public requires a special level of positive head space, unfortunately!