Diet help - Trouble with in-laws

KissPig

Once a week we go over to my in-laws house. They aren't really that old but they are pretty isolated and set in their ways so it's good that we make it over there to spend time with them. We usually go mid week or on a Friday evening so we can have our Saturdays free for us, date nights or meet ups with friends. When we visit either my Mother in law prepares persian food, which is high carb and high fat (and impossible to track as I have no idea what she puts in it) or we get take out (I mean KFC, Pizza, Chinese food, nothing healthy or low cal).

I am currently carb cycling so find these meals so difficult as it is impossible for me to track accurately. I've tried bringing my own food over there but the rest of the family thinks this is rude, they feel I should just eat what has been prepared or what has been ordered and will frequently gang up on me if they feel I'm not eating enough. My husband is pretty good about telling the others to leave me alone but every now and then he joins in.

Am I being rude? What's the solution here? I've reached a plateau so I really don't want to be indulging in very high calorie food (that I don't enjoy) on a weekly basis...

missysippy930

Offer to cook a meal to bring

RelCanonical

Have you had a discussion with them about this while you are not eating, e.g. earlier in the day or another time during the week? Sometimes it helps to explain while not in the heat of the moment that you not wanting their food, or wanting less of it, is not meant to snub them. Some people show love through food giving, and it can be hard to cope when someone says no. My mother is like this, but came around when I explained to her (NOT while eating) that I just can't because I have to get my health on track, and I know that she cares about me without her having to give me food.

sianquin

Sometimes changing your diet up can help with a plateau and one meal isn't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. Chow mien from the Chinese isn't too bad and I usually do that in these situations or if we get chippy I will get a fish and pick off most of the batter. Another option is to eat before you go then just have a very small portion.

apullum

KissPig wrote: »

Once a week we go over to my in-laws house. They aren't really that old but they are pretty isolated and set in their ways so it's good that we make it over there to spend time with them. We usually go mid week or on a Friday evening so we can have our Saturdays free for us, date nights or meet ups with friends. When we visit either my Mother in law prepares persian food, which is high carb and high fat (and impossible to track as I have no idea what she puts in it) or we get take out (I mean KFC, Pizza, Chinese food, nothing healthy or low cal).

I am currently carb cycling so find these meals so difficult as it is impossible for me to track accurately. I've tried bringing my own food over there but the rest of the family thinks this is rude, they feel I should just eat what has been prepared or what has been ordered and will frequently gang up on me if they feel I'm not eating enough. My husband is pretty good about telling the others to leave me alone but every now and then he joins in.

Am I being rude? What's the solution here? I've reached a plateau so I really don't want to be indulging in very high calorie food (that I don't enjoy) on a weekly basis...

I actually think this is the most concerning part of the post. Your partner needs to support you, or at the very least not contribute to making you feel uncomfortable. I’d start by having a conversation with him—with just the two of you, not while you are visiting his family—asking him not to engage in this behavior.

sgt1372

Be true to yourself.

Some find it hard not to submit to group pressure. I am not one of them and find it pretty easy to tell others to STFU w/o any delicacy or tact whatsoever because I really don't care what others think, not even family members.

Others are much better at doing this than I am w/o pissing others off. Hopefully you are one of these people but however you do it, you need to be true to yourself and make others respect your rt to choose what & how you eat and live your life.

Good luck!

KissPig

Bringing a meal is difficult as they are not big fans of western food (unless it's junky take out) and to be honest I think they would be more offended by my bringing dinner for everyone every week. They'd feel like I was trying to force them to eat the way I want.

Yes, I have discussed with them and my husband has discussed it with them. He's supportive of me but they seem to be offended every time. He will tell them before I arrive to eat without me that I'm bringing my own food but when I arrive my mother in law will reheat a plate for me and be offended when I tell her I brought my own food. Hubs tells them to back off and tells me to ignore them but I do feel bad.

apullum

Are there any specific health issues you’re trying to address? I’ve found that while family may not care about weight loss for vanity’s sake, they understand weight loss for the sake of health. Several obesity related diseases run in my family, so they accepted my “weird” eating habits when I explained it in terms of trying to prevent diabetes, heart disease, etc.

LyndaBSS

Just allow yourself extra calories once a week to eat even a small plate over there?

KissPig

@apullum Hubs also has weight to lose, when he does join in he says he does so because he 'feels bad for me', personally I think he does it because he knows he should be eating better

Generally he's very supportive, but we all have slips sometimes

RelCanonical

LyndaBSS wrote: »

Just allow yourself extra calories once a week to eat even a small plate over there?

Yeah, this may be your best bet if they just keep pushing it and you don't want to offend them until they get used to it. I have pizza with my parents on Saturday and I do an extra cardio workout just to burn some calories so I don't hit a surplus on that day.

sardelsa

Can you fit a bit of the food into your day? Maybe pick some lower calorie items or have only a small portion. Save up calories that day? Or maybe after dinner try to get everyone out for a walk or something to keep active. I typically eat with family on weekends, when in a deficit I will refuse dessert or something really high calorie unless I really love it. I also do some extra exercise and save up calories so I have a lot of flexibility for small indulgences that seem to creep in on weekends.

Fuzzipeg

I developed food sensitivities and when attending a nephews wedding I asked for an empty plate and took my own food with me. that way I knew I would be safer than eating food someone else provided. I'm sorry you are being made to feel other. I'm sorry I do not know Persian foods. Is there one specific ingredient which can't be replaced with another that you could "need" to avoid? One of my sensitivities is to preservatives, paraben. My problem was it does not have to be put on food labels and it also in some medications. I have no idea if that idea might be helpful, its in many branded sauces and similar premade things going under the heading, in our supermarket, as, ingredients.

If carb cycling is one high carb one low carb day, if that is not being too simplistic could you not have two high carb days side by side once a week followed by two low if you follow. Not ideal but might be possible.

Thinking of logging it all. Can you find a recipe for the most extravagant version of what is placed before you and take it from there, I'm sure you could say your appetite is less than it was, particularly as a result of this heat, come winter you could say you have learned to eat less. I know estimating spoonsful is not easy but it might be less stressful.

All the best, I hope you are able to resolve your issues. it is kind of them to want to feed you when you visit.

rosebarnalice

Could you ask her to teach you how to cook--maybe a dish or two that you think might be ok?

For years after I became a vegetarian, I felt the same pressure going to family dinners. But then I complimented one of my aunts on her bean casserole, and asked her to teach me how to make it. Turns out it was completely vegan, and she was very flattered that I asked. After that, whenever a family dinner came up, I'd say, "ooh Aunt XX, could you bring the bean casserole?" She did, I knew what was in it, I would have a big ole serving and avoid all the greasy cheezy bacony crap that other people brought, and everyone was still happy because I was eating the bean casserole.

Maybe if you learned a few of her dishes it would bring you closer together and give you some insights into what you're comfortable eating. "Ooh, Mamaa, when we come over Saturday could you make the [fill in the blank with something moderately healthy]? You know how much I love it!"

kshama2001

KissPig wrote: »

Once a week we go over to my in-laws house. They aren't really that old but they are pretty isolated and set in their ways so it's good that we make it over there to spend time with them. We usually go mid week or on a Friday evening so we can have our Saturdays free for us, date nights or meet ups with friends. When we visit either my Mother in law prepares persian food, which is high carb and high fat (and impossible to track as I have no idea what she puts in it) or we get take out (I mean KFC, Pizza, Chinese food, nothing healthy or low cal).

I am currently carb cycling so find these meals so difficult as it is impossible for me to track accurately. I've tried bringing my own food over there but the rest of the family thinks this is rude, they feel I should just eat what has been prepared or what has been ordered and will frequently gang up on me if they feel I'm not eating enough. My husband is pretty good about telling the others to leave me alone but every now and then he joins in.

Am I being rude? What's the solution here? I've reached a plateau so I really don't want to be indulging in very high calorie food (that I don't enjoy) on a weekly basis...

What about planning for your high carb day to be the day you visit?

Sure, you won't be able to log exactly, but unless you have a medical issue, it should be close enough.

If you do have a medical issue, that's all you need to say to justify bringing your own food.

FrostysHouse

What about splitting the difference? Have a small portion of whatever's being served, or have a lighter breakfast/lunch to give you more leeway for dinner. You could also take a dish to share that fits your plan and fill your plate mostly with that.

When I think of Persian food, I think of grilled meats, stews with meat and vegetables, yogurt, and fresh herbs. I know there's plenty of butter, rice, and bread, too, but if you chose mostly from the first list and supplemented with your own salad, say, you could do pretty well.

hannahm120

They’re the ones being disrespectful, you and your husband have set a clear boundary. Not only are they choosing to ignore your wishes, they’re berating you about trying to better yourself. I can’t think of a better way to show love than supporting someone as they work on their goals and to become more healthy. You are responsible for yourself, not the feelings of others. If you don’t enjoy the food and it doesn’t have a nutritional profile which fits with your goals, don’t eat it. It’s your choice to either give into the pressure and coddle your in-laws at the expensive of your health or you can continue to politely decline and nourish your body in a way that feels good for you.

idabentley

Sabrina Ghayour is my go to Persian cook she has at least four books out. I usually turn to her vegetarian one called Bazaar, you could get mum in law or yourself a copy and ask her if you can cook some of the recipes together. You can alter the recipes, for example I often do her Roast Vegetable Bastilla but leave out the pastry. Left overs can be eaten cold as a salad. Then you can log the ingredients. You bond with your mother in law and learn to cook a different cuisine. All the best.

nooboots

I love Persian food. Why dont you ask her (encourage her) to do you things like houmous, aubergine dip (baba ganoush or mtabbal), muhmmara, labneh, all of them are not high in carbs, but she will prepare them with bread probably which is a bit tricky, then ask her to do the kebabs/meat stews but only have a little bit of rice with them, push it round your plate abit

That way she will feel pleased you're showing an interest in her foods and what she cooks and you get delicious food which isnt that high in carbs.

stricklee11

This will be an unpopular opinion but... Maybe eat the food but in small quantities? Do they have any vegetable dishes or salads as part of the meal? You could focus on eating those.

In some cultures, it is incredibly rude to not accept food offered to you by the host. Especially since this seems to be a family dinner/lunch type of thing. I know for me, when I go over to my mother's house once a week, I choose to either not eat or limit the amount of calories I consume during the day because I know I will need to eat when I get there. I simply take smaller quantities. Same if I were to go to my aunt's house as it would be considered an insult to refuse. Oftentimes, they will meet you in the middle and prepare dishes lower in calories for you as a gesture of good faith.

Also, you'd be surprised at how many ethnic dishes have been entered by users on MFP. Ask your husband for the name of the dish and do a search.

RelCanonical

stricklee11 wrote: »

This will be an unpopular opinion but... Maybe eat the food but in small quantities? Do they have any vegetable dishes or salads as part of the meal? You could focus on eating those.

In some cultures, it is incredibly rude to not accept food offered to you by the host. Especially since this seems to be a family dinner/lunch type of thing. I know for me, when I go over to my mother's house once a week, I choose to either not eat or limit the amount of calories I consume during the day because I know I will need to eat when I get there. I simply take smaller quantities. Same if I were to go to my aunt's house as it would be considered an insult to refuse. Oftentimes, they will meet you in the middle and prepare dishes lower in calories for you as a gesture of good faith.

Also, you'd be surprised at how many ethnic dishes have been entered by users on MFP. Ask your husband for the name of the dish and do a search.

She mentions they're offended by smaller portions too.

AlabasterVerve

This is so tough. Yes it's rude not to eat with everyone else (in my opinion) but they're being terrible hosts as well -- they should be going out of their way to make you feel comfortable and providing something you can enjoy too!

At this point it sounds like you need to decide what you're going to do and just do it. Eating smaller portions and logging the best you can, bringing your own food or eat what/like everyone else is. Set the boundaries, do the same thing every week and everyone will adjust and get used to it.

Expect no one to take you seriously or respect your boundaries if one week you're on a diet and don't want the high calorie food and the next week you give in to pressure and/or temptation. Decide what you're going to do, tell your husband and ask for his support and be as polite and happy with your decision as possible.

If you opt to bring your own food it'd go a long way towards smoothing the waters to bring some high calorie/carby/fatty food offering for everyone else to enjoy too. Gifts are always a nice gesture and this one serves double duty by making it clear you're not judging or looking down on their food choices. Best wishes to you.

nooboots

What about if you only visit them two weekly but them have them visit in between weekly so then you only have to deal with the high carbs every fortnight and then when they come to yours you're in control of your intake

darshemail

It's best if you can make the plate yourself spread it out, not pile high so it looks like a lot. Take everything at once so you don't have to go back for seconds...eat slowly. Work out before so you feel like you deserve this amazing food. Or eat less before hand so you have your calories saved for this special dinner.
If you absolutely can't make your own plate, How about accepting the plate of food offered graciously eat the amount you feel comfortable eating. Eat slowly push the food around...when they are not looking put a napkin on top and throw it out. When I am with family and friends I don't make a big deal about my diet or bring attention to it. Please know that I am very ethical and I would not throw food out myself...as I do not believe in wasting food. But sometimes you have to make a choice of not offending the people you are with.

richardsullivanu

Just allow yourself extra calories once a week to eat even a small plate over there?

Panini911

I mean if they won't even allow you to eat a small plate that is getting a bit ridiculous. This is a bit of rock and hard place scenario - feels there is no winning per say. Peer pressure to the max.

I agree with trying to make that a carb day on your carb cycling (no clue if that is doable). eat a smaller portion, maybe bring a salad for everyone that you can use as filler. I agree for seeing if you can make it look like more than it is by spreading it out. maybe using your salad to pile on top and make it look like even more. Pick more of the foods that are leaner and less of the fatty items (if that is your preference obviously)

If they comment on portion smile and nod. see if after a few months they stop. I mean you shouldn't have to play games and be submitted to these comments each week, it's a bit much. But I think if you do the same thing each week for long enough MAYBE they'll lay off? or at least not come on as strong if they see they don't win and you are not changing?

soh8s2diet

hannahm120 wrote: »

They’re the ones being disrespectful, you and your husband have set a clear boundary. Not only are they choosing to ignore your wishes, they’re berating you about trying to better yourself. I can’t think of a better way to show love than supporting someone as they work on their goals and to become more healthy. You are responsible for yourself, not the feelings of others. If you don’t enjoy the food and it doesn’t have a nutritional profile which fits with your goals, don’t eat it. It’s your choice to either give into the pressure and coddle your in-laws at the expensive of your health or you can continue to politely decline and nourish your body in a way that feels good for you.

Couldn't agree more.

perkymommy

KissPig wrote: »

Once a week we go over to my in-laws house. They aren't really that old but they are pretty isolated and set in their ways so it's good that we make it over there to spend time with them. We usually go mid week or on a Friday evening so we can have our Saturdays free for us, date nights or meet ups with friends. When we visit either my Mother in law prepares persian food, which is high carb and high fat (and impossible to track as I have no idea what she puts in it) or we get take out (I mean KFC, Pizza, Chinese food, nothing healthy or low cal).

I am currently carb cycling so find these meals so difficult as it is impossible for me to track accurately. I've tried bringing my own food over there but the rest of the family thinks this is rude, they feel I should just eat what has been prepared or what has been ordered and will frequently gang up on me if they feel I'm not eating enough. My husband is pretty good about telling the others to leave me alone but every now and then he joins in.

Am I being rude? What's the solution here? I've reached a plateau so I really don't want to be indulging in very high calorie food (that I don't enjoy) on a weekly basis...

I would offer to make the meal and take it sometimes. I would also eat whatever it is they are having but eat less of it. For instance, if it's fast food just eat the stuff that is the least in calories if possible and leave it at that. If you've been eating good all week then that one meal in one day shouldn't set you back too much. But I feel your pain. I get it too when I go around the inlaws for a holiday or to swim in their pool. It's just "one time" or just "one meal" and to me it's a big deal though after working hard all week. I still choose to eat however I want but the comments they make are really rude sometimes.

perkymommy

hannahm120 wrote: »

They’re the ones being disrespectful, you and your husband have set a clear boundary. Not only are they choosing to ignore your wishes, they’re berating you about trying to better yourself. I can’t think of a better way to show love than supporting someone as they work on their goals and to become more healthy. You are responsible for yourself, not the feelings of others. If you don’t enjoy the food and it doesn’t have a nutritional profile which fits with your goals, don’t eat it. It’s your choice to either give into the pressure and coddle your in-laws at the expensive of your health or you can continue to politely decline and nourish your body in a way that feels good for you.

I agree with you! I think it's a bit one-sided to only take in to consideration their feelings just because they are providing the food. Just because they see it as rude from their culture's perspective doesn't mean it is from her culture. She has her culture as well and it needs to be respected as well. It goes both ways. Plus she is an adult and can eat however much she wants quantity wise.

lg013

I visit my brother and his family quite often...and it can be a problem there too...so when I changed habits, I had a call with them to discuss how I was eating and setting goals to avoid being offensive. So, when I arrived they were ok with me bringing my own food. After 2 months of this, they’ve even gotten more involved (they joined a gym and started eating some of the foods I was). My sister in law was even excited that her kids were now requesting lox, egg, and yogurt in the morning instead of cereal and pancakes.

This was a best case scenario...but my parents are another story—set in their ways and eat a LOT of meat. I’ve talked to them and they don’t mind me bringing my own food—but they insist on taking us out to eat a lot, which is hard to manage. So, I have had to battle with them about skipping meals out with the family...they are starting to come around. I think talking about it helps.

missysippy930

Since they are not fans of western food (except junk food) how about doing pot luck. That way you’re assured that there’s something you would feel good about eating. Compromise is a reasonable solution. Respect for everyone’s preferences.