Diet help - Trouble with in-laws

mim619

This will be the most unpopular opinion of all. But this is disrespectful to you. If you have been clear about your eating preference and they are unwilling to meet you even half way. Stop seeing them. Let your husband go if he feels he must but I would not be around people who do not respect me.
I could not imagine forcing a vegan to eat a steak. Telling someone with celiacs that you are offended they won't eat your fried chicken. So the whole "it's rude not to eat what everyone else eats" is bs.
I know that other cultures are different and that's fine but my health is very important to me. And I would not allocate all of my splurges to these visits to appease people who have no regard for me.

glovepuppet

I'd just stop going, and my OH would know better than to press the issue. But then, I'm not the most reasonable and diplomatic person. I think life is too short to be pushed around for the sake of politeness.

MelanieCN77

I feel you OP. I think the best answer was the very first one, which is to discuss it as adults when not at the flashpoint of the meal getting served.

Respectfully, all the suggestions of ways to adjust and make this food fit into OP's week make me a little bit irritated. The very decision about what to put in my mouth and body is not something I'm going to let get held ransom by someone else's opinions or unexamined feelings. It's more than food, we all know that, it's routine and control and personal agency. It's about more than the calorie math - it's about being emotionally bullied into doing something you don't want to, and not addressing that up front is going to cause more and different problems.

glovepuppet

MelanieCN77 wrote: »

I feel you OP. I think the best answer was the very first one, which is to discuss it as adults when not at the flashpoint of the meal getting served.

Respectfully, all the suggestions of ways to adjust and make this food fit into OP's week make me a little bit irritated. The very decision about what to put in my mouth and body is not something I'm going to let get held ransom by someone else's opinions or unexamined feelings. It's more than food, we all know that, it's routine and control and personal agency. It's about more than the calorie math - it's about being emotionally bullied into doing something you don't want to, and not addressing that up front is going to cause more and different problems.

Exactly. People should respect your right to decline, especially with food, booze and physical contact.

Set firm boundaries, and if people don't respect them then they don't deserve your time.

BasedGawd412

hannahm120 wrote: »

They’re the ones being disrespectful, you and your husband have set a clear boundary. Not only are they choosing to ignore your wishes, they’re berating you about trying to better yourself. I can’t think of a better way to show love than supporting someone as they work on their goals and to become more healthy. You are responsible for yourself, not the feelings of others. If you don’t enjoy the food and it doesn’t have a nutritional profile which fits with your goals, don’t eat it. It’s your choice to either give into the pressure and coddle your in-laws at the expensive of your health or you can continue to politely decline and nourish your body in a way that feels good for you.

This!!!!!!!!!

Maxxitt

My advice after 30 years of marriage with a mother-in-law who cooked large meals from the time she was 8 until she died, and always calorie laden, southern-style food, is to eat what they put in front of you for that one meal a week and adjust accordingly. My mother-in-law is gone now, and I miss her and her cooking and her ways in general.

kshama2001

MelanieCN77 wrote: »

I feel you OP. I think the best answer was the very first one, which is to discuss it as adults when not at the flashpoint of the meal getting served.

Respectfully, all the suggestions of ways to adjust and make this food fit into OP's week make me a little bit irritated. The very decision about what to put in my mouth and body is not something I'm going to let get held ransom by someone else's opinions or unexamined feelings. It's more than food, we all know that, it's routine and control and personal agency. It's about more than the calorie math - it's about being emotionally bullied into doing something you don't want to, and not addressing that up front is going to cause more and different problems.

Eh, I think this is sort of unfair to the in-laws. The OP is carb-cycling. I don't see why she can't make a high carb day be that day. It's not like she's celiac and they are trying to make her eat wheat or she is doing keto for epilepsy or low carb for a medical condition and they are blowing that off.

My mom could be considered a "food pusher". I spend a lot of time saying, "No, thank you." She's just being hospitable.

I see a lot of people new to MFP overly anxious in social situations where they can't count the calories and do not think the right advice is for people to avoid these situations.

It's unlikely that this one meal is causing the OP's plateau. She is also having date nights and meetups with friends where presumably it is just as hard to track the calories, so it could be more to do with the family dynamic than the actual food.

However, if, for example, they are doing a group order for Chinese, she wants to order X, and they won't let her, I take it all back and suggest she limit her visits to once per month or once per quarter.

amusedmonkey

I feel most here are reading this without the context of culture. I have that context. One of the most rude things to do in some cultures is to refuse the food or not eat the amounts offered. The host prides themselves on generosity and hospitality and any actions that make light of that are considered offensive. There was a time (and I'm sure this is still the case for some families) when receiving a guest meant barely scraping by for the rest of the month. There are even traditional tales of a poor man who slaughtered his beloved horse to serve a guest because he had nothing else that would make a worthy feast.

All I can say to OP is, I feel you. Don't get mad at them, some traditions are deeply rooted and it will take some time to navigate that. It tends to blind people to logic sometimes. My family isn't as old fashioned as some other families here, and even now, 7 years of weight management later, I still get offered things I don't want to eat or offered seconds. Heck, I'm known to hate meat and 37 years of refusing it won't stop the host from offering meat because it's usually the star of the meal. With close family, I just do what I want and they understand (although still feel the need to offer), but when we're visiting someone I know is very traditional I always make calorie arrangements. Actually, I make calorie arrangements even for close family visits most of the time to spare them the discomfort and to enjoy my visit without obsessing about food.

You need to have a thick skin and persist with your way, they will get used to it a few years. It will be uncomfortable at first, but insist on your desired portions or food ratios, like putting more vegetables than rice on your plate (but DO NOT bring your own food, this is very offensive unless it's a shared meal where people bring food). You could also fit the visit into your weekly calories every now and then to meet them halfway after you've established your boundaries for a while. Generally, the food will have some kind of carb (usually rice and/or bread), some kind of protein (usually meat), and some kind of sauce or stew (usually with vegetables). It's usually a pretty balanced meal, although can be high in fat sometimes. The meal itself is not the problem, it's usually 600-800 calories which is manageable for me without problems and is what my usual main meal is like, the problem is snacks (especially nuts) and dessert, if served, because it all adds up.

RodaRose

Communicate your food needs at a time / day when you are not at dinner. Start a series of conversations so that everyone feels respected.

MelanieCN77

kshama2001 wrote: »

Eh, I think this is sort of unfair to the in-laws. The OP is carb-cycling. I don't see why she can't make a high carb day be that day. It's not like she's celiac and they are trying to make her eat wheat or she is doing keto for epilepsy or low carb for a medical condition and they are blowing that off.

My mom could be considered a "food pusher". I spend a lot of time saying, "No, thank you." She's just being hospitable.

I mean sure, if that is what's happening. OP described "being ganged up on" though, which to me indicates specific and prolonged attention to the issue. And even if it is a cultural nuance that doesn't mean bow down to it. I stand by my position that it's reasonable to not be coerced into eating anything you don't want to, for whatever reason. There is room for maneuver in how you approach solving the problem. Making that her high carb day or her 'cheat' or whatever still removes her agency, which she has a basic right to. If I'm going to splurge on one meal a week, for sure it's not going to be of someone else's choosing, that's just demoralising.

JBanx256

I think you've done all you're obligated to do. You've tried reason, compromise, etc - to no avail. As much as you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or create drama, my $0.02 is do your thing. They don't have to like it and if they are going to refuse to treat you and your choices with respect, maybe stop going over there for awhile and let them figure out that they aren't entitled to your presence. If your husband balks at you staying home, gently remind him he has (at least to some degree) contributed to the problem. You've done as much as you (reasonably) can but in the end you've gotta do what makes you happy/healthy.