I am devastated
lauragreenbaum
Posts: 1,017 Member
So I've been doing PIlates for 10 months daily and tracking my food intake (though I admit not religiously). I can see definite change in my body and am starting to feel really good about myself again. Yesterday I went to a luncheon where there were several people who haven't seen me in a long time, and I expected compliments. I wore a cute dress (with spanx) and thought I looked really good. Everyone was happy to see me, but not one person commented on how I looked. Then someone insisted on a group photo. Afterward she sent it out to all of us and I look terrible. Seriously the worst photo of me ever. I sent it to my BF crying and she assured me it was just a bad angle and that no, I don't look like that.
But now I'm questioning if I've been kidding myself. Maybe I don't look much different to anyone else and it's all in my head. I don't even want to face this day.
But now I'm questioning if I've been kidding myself. Maybe I don't look much different to anyone else and it's all in my head. I don't even want to face this day.
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Replies
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You have 10 months of pilates to prove to yourself you're stronger than that. Don't let one photograph talk down to you.
Being photogenic is a totally different skill set from being fit. Honest and for true, I have PETS that are photogenic and not, and none of that is based on how much they weigh or how many legs they have. (My 3 legged chipmunk is the most photogenic of the lot. My black dog just kind of vanishes into shadows even though she's trying to look at the camera. I have another dog and chipmunk that are professionally blurry even to the naked eye. Little perpetual motion machines.)
If you wanted to photograph well, you should have been taking selfies every day to practice. I'm assuming you made the sensible choice to be fit and healthy and that's why you've been doing the pilates.
It's ONE photo from a bad angle and has nothing to do with the fit, strong person you've worked so hard to become.34 -
lauragreenbaum wrote: »Everyone was happy to see me, but not one person commented on how I looked. Then someone insisted on a group photo. Afterward she sent it out to all of us and I look terrible. Seriously the worst photo of me ever.
I'll bet that if everyone had complimented you, you wouldn't think the photo looked so bad. That's just how the mind works.
Since you were "starting to feel really good" about yourself, choose that mindset again, since that's all that matters (unless you're in modeling or other career that depends on social approval of your physique).
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I guess the best thing to say is that nowadays it's not considered politically correct to comment on someone's weight even when they've lost. I have been surprised by how many people even on these boards comment that they don't like people to mention it. When I was losing I had lost about 35 pounds before someone finally summoned up the courage to ask me "are you losing weight on purpose"? I realized then that everyone thought maybe I was sick, lol. I was so relieved that someone finally noticed. I take horrible pictures too and often think I look fatter than I am in them. You need to realize that often when you are fat in your head no matter what a photo or mirror tells you that's what you see. Don't pay any attention. You have worked very hard and I am sure you look much better. Keep doing what you are doing. 20
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Frankly, though very nice to hear, they should be irrelavant! What you have been and continue to do is strictly for YOU not others. If you feel well and feel good about yourself and think you look good, RUN WITH THAT!! Don't let lack of notice wreck what you accomplish. IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM!13
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Never underestimate the power of good lighting. You may just have stumbled into a bad angle or lighting, and that can have a huge effect on how the picture comes out. Hop right back on that reformer and keep doing what you are doing! You fee and look great- don’t let lack of comments on weight loss deter you!4
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cheryldumais wrote: »I guess the best thing to say is that nowadays it's not considered politically correct to comment on someone's weight even when they've lost. I have been surprised by how many people even on these boards comment that they don't like people to mention it. When I was losing I had lost about 35 pounds before someone finally summoned up the courage to ask me "are you losing weight on purpose"? I realized then that everyone thought maybe I was sick, lol. I was so relieved that someone finally noticed. I take horrible pictures too and often think I look fatter than I am in them. You need to realize that often when you are fat in your head no matter what a photo or mirror tells you that's what you see. Don't pay any attention. You have worked very hard and I am sure you look much better. Keep doing what you are doing.
This is brilliant! I had not thought of the fact people are hesitant nowadays to comment on people’s appearance.6 -
geraldaltman wrote: »Frankly, though very nice to hear, they should be irrelavant! What you have been and continue to do is strictly for YOU not others. If you feel well and feel good about yourself and think you look good, RUN WITH THAT!! Don't let lack of notice wreck what you accomplish. IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM!
I agree with this. I am on my journey for me, myself, and I. This is what separates my journey from 20 years ago and before. I did it for OTHER PEOPLE or to get people to notice. With age comes wisdom. DO IT FOR YOU and be proud.6 -
Maybe you could ask your BF to take a few pics of you with great lighting, cute dress, and then show you her favorite. I bet you'd be pleasantly surprised.
I agree that people don't say "have you lost weight?" or "You look great!" as much as they used to. Citation: lifelong yo-yo dieter so I heard it tons in my 20's, plenty in my 30s, sometimes in my 40s, and now that I'm in my early 50s and have gained/lost full cycles two and a half times, only one person did, and she's a relative. So...I agree that the culture changed.2 -
I'm sorry that the photo upset you. I take horrific photos. When people here suggested before and afters, I cringed in fear.
You were so proud of yourself up until you didn't get recognized for your efforts. People are stupid. I want you to feel proud of yourself again!
You've done pilates for 10 months! I did pilates for 10 seconds and gave up.
I'm proud of how far you've come. I think your dedication is fantastic and inspiring and I thank you for it. 💙
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I'm sorry that the photo upset you. I take horrific photos. When people here suggested before and afters, I cringed in fear.
You were so proud of yourself up until you didn't get recognized for your efforts. People are stupid. I want you to feel proud of yourself again!
You've done pilates for 10 months! I did pilates for 10 seconds and gave up.
I'm proud of how far you've come. I think your dedication is fantastic and inspiring and I thank you for it. 💙
Ok this made me tear up. Thank you!3 -
I'm a semi professional photographer, I can attest that 90% of how a photograph comes out is the lighting, posing, lens choice, etc. The same person can look dramatically different in one photo vs another depending on how it was composed. Everyone has good pictures and bad pictures. Don't let one bad picture get you down.19
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we had our wedding in july. in some of the pics, i look downright skinny (yay!) in others.... on the plump side. its alllll about lighting and angles and positioning and even the camera settings.
do what you are doing for YOU, not for other people. People dont comment about weight changes as much as they used to, especially as you get older.
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I’ve lost 70lbs so far, which is 6.5” from my waist, 7.5” from my hips and 4” from my chest – and nobody says a thing. I think it’s because I’ve lost proportionally but am still overweight so not as easy to notice. I have before and after photos where I don’t think I actually look any different yet the coat I wore this morning has considerably more room in it than when I bought it last year.
I agree with other posters, commenting on someone’s weight or looks isn’t the “done thing” nowadays, we’re all too afraid of causing offence. I bet they were talking amongst themselves about how good you looked and wondering how you did it - but nobody would dare to ask.
There are 3 people who do comment often as they have shared the journey with me, my husband and my 2 friends that I exercise with, they will see me in some new clothes and comment on how well I’m doing – these are the people that matter to me, nobody else.
Don’t worry about anyone else, be happy within yourself and be proud of your progress – it’s hard work and you’re doing brilliantly and I’m sure after 10 months of pilates you look fantastic and feel so much better for it.
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People in general just don't comment now - we can be darned if we do, and darned if we don't.
Devastated is a strong word. Do this for you, noone else. Stick with it because you said yourself you were feeling good, so keep going.2 -
If you feel good, that should be all that matters. Sure, it's nice when people comment. And I've had that over the last few months from people I haven't seen for awhile. Last was a couple of days ago. I've never liked pictures of me, and still don't if not taken from the right angle, etc. And it's hard to get good group photos. And they say the camera adds 10 lbs, right?I'm a semi professional photographer, I can attest that 90% of how a photograph comes out is the lighting, posing, lens choice, etc. The same person can look dramatically different in one photo vs another depending on how it was composed. Everyone has good pictures and bad pictures. Don't let one bad picture get you down.
Exactly! And don't forget what was used to take the picture! Assuming this picture was taken with a phone, the picture quality isn't going to match an actual, good, camera.2 -
My theory is that the less a person says that is not invested in your life the less likely they judged you that harshly when you were less fit. The more they say the more likely they were one of the ones gossiping about you.
I have little use for opinions on how I look from most people. They are unqualified critiques based on a quick visual assessment. I think they should keep it to themselves. Also, the people who do have to comment almost always follow up with the nosy "how much have you lost?" which I, as a private person, do no wish to divulge to just anyone.6 -
I look bad in pics too...the only way I look half decent is when it is more of a posed pic and I am ready for it...even then that is not always good:)
The worst pics for me are the ones that I do not know someone is taking a picture..i.e. I am stuffing food into my mouth. My inlaws are bad for this...constantly snapping pics at family dinners, etc. and it is like seriously can I not just eat my food with out worrying that someone is taking a picture.1 -
I look bad in pics too...the only way I look half decent is when it is more of a posed pic and I am ready for it...even then that is not always good:)
The worst pics for me are the ones that I do not know someone is taking a picture..i.e. I am stuffing food into my mouth. My inlaws are bad for this...constantly snapping pics at family dinners, etc. and it is like seriously can I not just eat my food with out worrying that someone is taking a picture.
We might be related. I love capturing people with food in their mouth. They are some of my favorite pictures. I am not a fan of posed shots. They are stale and do little to tell a story. Candid shots are so much better.1 -
cheryldumais wrote: »I guess the best thing to say is that nowadays it's not considered politically correct to comment on someone's weight even when they've lost. I have been surprised by how many people even on these boards comment that they don't like people to mention it. When I was losing I had lost about 35 pounds before someone finally summoned up the courage to ask me "are you losing weight on purpose"? I realized then that everyone thought maybe I was sick, lol. I was so relieved that someone finally noticed. I take horrible pictures too and often think I look fatter than I am in them. You need to realize that often when you are fat in your head no matter what a photo or mirror tells you that's what you see. Don't pay any attention. You have worked very hard and I am sure you look much better. Keep doing what you are doing.
Yes, I'd think a person would have to lose at least 30 pounds before I'd mention it. Heck, I needed to lose about that much before I was noticing a difference in the mirror at the gym.
Note: I'm talking about people in the high 100s / low 200s. A smaller person would take less weight to be noticeable and a larger person more.1 -
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Thank you everyone. I so appreciate the support from my MFP friends. I showed the photo to my BFF and she promised me I do not look that bad. She pointed out the angle was horrible (I was right up in front) and it was taken with a phone. And I think you all are right- people just don't mention anything to do with weight these days. I feel so much better...in fact I'm going to Pilates this morning and can't wait!5
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I've been in the gym 6 days a week for 15 years but before that, when I had little kids, I was always active. Once I was walking with a friend who got a comment - do you work out, you look good?
I was DYING. Listen, we aren't doing this for recognition. We're doing it for ourselves.
I assume even before Pilates, you must have looked good.1 -
It’s just bad photo conditions.
I have photos from a month ago that make me look early 20s, but photos from ten years ago that made me look mid-40s.
As someone else mentioned, there is a growing taboo against asking (even with good intentions!) about others’ weight loss. A lot of the time it’s to avoid potentially uncomfortable conversations or upsetting the person in question. Friends and distant relatives typically avoid asking me about my weight loss because one of my sisters suffers from a gastric disorder that at one point brought her weight below 80lbs. Your friends may have their own experiences that discourage them from bringing up the subject, or they may simply not see weight (if only amongst their loved ones).
Regardless though, even if you only lost 5lbs, you have stuck with the pilates for ten months. That is no easy feat for many people! Take pride in your perseverance, and if you *really* need a visual reminder do what I did: Tape an ugly photo of yourself to the mirror. That will force you to see how far you’ve come!! 4 -
Here’s my experience FWIW, I’ve only had one “have you lost weight “ in the wild. I’m down about 20 known lbs (I didn’t weigh myself until about 6 months into exercising regularly).
I have had people comment after I’ve said something about taking up rowing. It’s usually something like “I noticed a change, you look good”
So I think it’s a matter of those we see regularly won’t notice the steady changes and those we don’t see regularly won’t comment out of politeness unless the subject comes up.
I know I am different, my clothes and measurements tell me that. And even knowing that there are days that I can’t see any changes in myself, so I certainly can’t expect others to.
Make this journey about you, and celebrate your wins and learn from your oops’s. Validation from others isn’t nearly as important as validation from yourself.1 -
Why don’t you post before and after pics here?! Well tell you the truth.
PS Everyone takes a lot of bad pics 🤪1 -
We all have horrible pics and amazing pics. Trust your heart! You felt awesome, cute, and confident therefore you were!
Sometimes you will not compliment someone on "weight" because you deeply care about them. We all know how rocky this journey can be. Why would we sabotage all that hard work by inadvertently triggering them? It's hard to know what someone is going through. Worst case it could be terminal illness or an eating disorder.
But maybe you missed some cues where they made some positive remarks that are kinda related. That's what I do.0 -
Is your goal getting compliments or getting healthy? Forget the compliments. Enjoy your health! I actually hate it when people comment on my appearance, no matter if it's to tell me that I look slimmer. It feels like and intrusion and I'd rather be left alone. I'm very self-conscious and I don't like being the center of attention3
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When i lost alot of weight (before gaining it back) years ago I was 70 pounds lighter and my boss said she didnt even notice "probably because she saw me everyday" lol. I didnt let that bother me I knew I looked and felt better. Pictures can always be unflattering even for thinner people. Look at all the tabloids trying to make beautiful celebrities look bad because they have a little cellulite or god forbid left the house without make up. Aslong as YOU know you look and feel better thats all that matters. A picture is meer seconds of a moment.0
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