At goal but still not happy....
82EC
Posts: 123 Member
So I reached my goal weight of below 70kg last week, a loss of around 38kg. But when I took my measurements I was dismayed to find that my proportions have changed compared to before I got fat. I am now bust 94 waist 77, hip 102 instead of bust 94, waist 74, hip 104. I have become more of a box shape and it is making me feel really ugly. I want to find a partner but I’m convinced no guy will find me attractive if I lose my figure - the whole point of dieting so much was to get it back! Added to which I don’t look good because I still have grabbable fat on my stomach. I just don’t know what to do. I am tired of losing things I like (it has happened in other parts of my life as well) so does anyone know what I can do to get my correct measurements back? Will losing more weight (say another 5-10kg) help? Right now I am so depressed I keep eating which is not good.
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Hey OP. Just want to send some love your way. I'm hoping you realize that although being healthy and active is a good and maybe desirable quality in a SO, being a content and happy person is the far more attractive part of a person. Aside from that- bodies do change a bit over time (or if you've had kids or whatever) but am I understanding that you feel unattractive and that no one will want you because of what amounts to 3 cm difference? That's half an inch? I doubt literally ANYONE is going to look at anyone else and think 'man that person is totally unattractive - they really need to lose half an inch". But I get wanting to feel comfortable in your own skin. Maybe it's time for recomp. Eat away maintenance and follow a progressive lifting program. That seems to help people reshape their body and maintain happy curves. But most importantly, feel proud of yourself and happy to make it to this goal! It represents dedication and hard work and those are admirable qualities.9
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So I reached my goal weight of below 70kg last week, a loss of around 38kg. But when I took my measurements I was dismayed to find that my proportions have changed compared to before I got fat. I am now bust 94 waist 77, hip 102 instead of bust 94, waist 74, hip 104. I have become more of a box shape and it is making me feel really ugly. I want to find a partner but I’m convinced no guy will find me attractive if I lose my figure - the whole point of dieting so much was to get it back! Added to which I don’t look good because I still have grabbable fat on my stomach. I just don’t know what to do. I am tired of losing things I like (it has happened in other parts of my life as well) so does anyone know what I can do to get my correct measurements back? Will losing more weight (say another 5-10kg) help? Right now I am so depressed I keep eating which is not good.
No guy worth having is going to be that critical of your figure.18 -
Congratulations on getting to goal weight! Sorry that your final measurements aren't to your ideal but... at 70 kg you have a 25 cm difference between your waist and your hips. That's a lot. Give it some time to get used to your new shape. As jelleigh said, no man is going to be so picky about body dimensions of a potential partner that they'll quibble about a cm or two.0
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So I reached my goal weight of below 70kg last week, a loss of around 38kg. But when I took my measurements I was dismayed to find that my proportions have changed compared to before I got fat. I am now bust 94 waist 77, hip 102 instead of bust 94, waist 74, hip 104. I have become more of a box shape and it is making me feel really ugly. I want to find a partner but I’m convinced no guy will find me attractive if I lose my figure - the whole point of dieting so much was to get it back! Added to which I don’t look good because I still have grabbable fat on my stomach. I just don’t know what to do. I am tired of losing things I like (it has happened in other parts of my life as well) so does anyone know what I can do to get my correct measurements back? Will losing more weight (say another 5-10kg) help? Right now I am so depressed I keep eating which is not good.
Honestly there's a lot to unpack in this post.
First--CONGRATULATIONS ON REACHING YOUR GOAL. This is totally awesome and a place where the rest of us want to be, the culmination of months of focus and discipline. You should be truly proud of your accomplishment!
Second--it's easy to conflate all our social-life problems with weight, and to think that just losing the weight will solve them. But that's really not the case. Weight loss is better viewed as health and activity gain. You have no way of knowing how the people around you will react and you can't really control that. So try not to obsess about what a guy will find physically attractive--someone who passes you by because of a 2 or 3 cm difference in measurements is too superficial to be worth your time anyway. Also, looks only get you from the 'strangers' to 'saying hello' stage, at that small level of difference it's not going to have any impact on going from friend-zone to lover. Focus instead upon your improved endurance and flexibility, which will help you out in social sports and....other activities...
Now, if you don't like your shape, there are a few things you can do. For example:
--lower your target weight another 5 lbs (2 kg).
--add more weight training to change your body composition fat/muscle ratio
--add an exercise that builds butt muscle (such as 'kettlebell squats') to get that hip measurement up and create more contrast from middle to hips
--get a non-invasive plastic surgery procedure such as 'coolsculpting' to remove fat cells around your middle. The risk in doing this is if your weight fluctuates in the future you could wind up with weird fat-deposit asymmetries. (from a cost and health view you can tell I disfavor this except as a last resort).
There are hints of some psychological issues in your post. If you have access to a shrink with your health system, consider talking to them about your emotional discomfort around your weight loss and social life. Right now you appear to feel insecure about these areas of your life, and being insecure makes you more vulnerable to people who might try to take advantage of your emotional state/emotionally abusive partner. Getting your head in a better space can help you either accept your current success, find the motivation to change your body by putting in just a little different effort so your body's more like what you hoped, and straighten out the man-problem in a way that doesn't conflate that with your weight so much. The issues do interact but it sounds to me like you're over-estimating their interaction.8 -
True happiness comes from within and not achieving something, you need to be happy with your current self with all its “flaws” but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to change it but being happy with it will take so much stress off of you and everything else will become easier including losing weight.3
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So I reached my goal weight of below 70kg last week, a loss of around 38kg. But when I took my measurements I was dismayed to find that my proportions have changed compared to before I got fat. I am now bust 94 waist 77, hip 102 instead of bust 94, waist 74, hip 104. I have become more of a box shape and it is making me feel really ugly. I want to find a partner but I’m convinced no guy will find me attractive if I lose my figure - the whole point of dieting so much was to get it back! Added to which I don’t look good because I still have grabbable fat on my stomach. I just don’t know what to do. I am tired of losing things I like (it has happened in other parts of my life as well) so does anyone know what I can do to get my correct measurements back? Will losing more weight (say another 5-10kg) help? Right now I am so depressed I keep eating which is not good.
No guy worth having is going to be that critical of your figure.
Amen.... I just hope to find a gal that put up with my crazy self! 🤣8 -
psychod787 wrote: »So I reached my goal weight of below 70kg last week, a loss of around 38kg. But when I took my measurements I was dismayed to find that my proportions have changed compared to before I got fat. I am now bust 94 waist 77, hip 102 instead of bust 94, waist 74, hip 104. I have become more of a box shape and it is making me feel really ugly. I want to find a partner but I’m convinced no guy will find me attractive if I lose my figure - the whole point of dieting so much was to get it back! Added to which I don’t look good because I still have grabbable fat on my stomach. I just don’t know what to do. I am tired of losing things I like (it has happened in other parts of my life as well) so does anyone know what I can do to get my correct measurements back? Will losing more weight (say another 5-10kg) help? Right now I am so depressed I keep eating which is not good.
No guy worth having is going to be that critical of your figure.
Amen.... I just hope to find a gal that put up with my crazy self! 🤣
OP, as my Granny used to say, "Son, there's a lid for every pot!"8 -
If I may presume to speak on behalf of men here and offer a word of advice/insight...
A few extra inches here and a few less inches there isn't going to turn a guy off. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that this isn't something that is even going to get even a passing consideration. No guy is gonna look at a girl and think 'Oh man, if only her hips were imperceptibly wider and her waist unnoticeably thinner I'd go talk to here in a heartbeat'. We just don't have that stringent requirements and even when we do have a particular body shape/type/figure that we tend to find attractive it's a very general thing and rather than specific measurements. We're really just not that picky.
But, you know what will send a guy packing and running for the hills? Insecurity. Nothing is more unattractive than a woman who lacks confidence. Who is in constant need of reassurance and bolstering. Who is constantly fishing for compliments and complaining. Who doesn't like themselves. It doesn't matter how ideal your physique is or how pretty you are, lacking confidence is a killer.
By contrast nothing is more attractive than a woman who is self assured and confident. Who knows who she is and likes who she is.
Guys are looking for a partner, not a project.
I dare say this goes both ways.
Put 100 guys in a room with a mopey insecure "10" and a confident bubbly "7" and 98 of them will gravitate towards and leave with the confident one (the other two guys are d-bags who are just looking to score)21 -
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Well Danp, pardon me for not being perfect! I can’t help being insecure any more than I can help anything else about my personality. I don’t know if your post was supposed to make me feel better, but bashing me for being insecure certainly doesn’t help me to be confident!!
I really don't think he meant it as "bashing", he seems as though he is trying make you feel better.
On another note, are you absolutely sure that your measurements are correct? Your waist doesn't sound like it's large now (you haven't said how tall you are) but it seems odd that it has increased with such a huge loss.
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This part
"A few extra inches here and a few less inches there isn't going to turn a guy off. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that this isn't something that is even going to get even a passing consideration. No guy is gonna look at a girl and think 'Oh man, if only her hips were imperceptibly wider and her waist unnoticeably thinner I'd go talk to here in a heartbeat'. We just don't have that stringent requirements and even when we do have a particular body shape/type/figure that we tend to find attractive it's a very general thing and rather than specific measurements. We're really just not that picky."
Also are you exercising? That may change your body composition.1 -
Who said you had to be perfect? and who's 'bashing' you?
The entire crux of my post was to point out that no one is or expects anyone to be perfect. That being an inch here and an inch there off some idealised proportion equating to attractiveness is demanding a level of perfection beyond what any guy (or I'm guessing girl for that matter) would care about or even notice.
What I was trying to convey is that when it comes to attraction, no measurement, height, weight, eye colour, hair colour, figure or body shape comes close to mattering as much as confidence.
I'm sorry you've decided to take my post in a negative light. But the only person I can see in this thread who's bashing you or demanding perfection from you, is you.21 -
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Maybe to give you something to consider talking to a professional about? These reactions to posts that you invited, by posting on a public forum, are concerning.19
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Because. It's true...So why did you go on to talk about how being insecure is such a killer, when I’ve already been told once in this thread that I displayed insecurity in this post? How was that supposed to make me feel better?
No matter how physically attractive you may find someone, it's nigh on impossible to love someone who doesn't love (or at least like) themselves. How can you value someone who doesn't value themselves?
Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?13 -
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So, someone else already asked this and it didn’t get answered. I’m confused by the measurements given. I had to run them through a converter, but you lost 83 lbs, bust the same, waist larger, and hips less than an inch smaller? Where did the lost weight come from? Also, your waist when you weighed 238 lbs was only 29 inches? Are these the correct measurements?4
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Excellent discussion point, thank you. Seem to me that my brain doesn't register my weight loss yet. After years and years of gaining weight I have now lost a fair amount, my old outfits had to go, I move much easier, sometimes people comment positively, but when I look in the mirror I don't really see any change. My mind needs to adjust as well and that seems to take time. There is also an article on MFP on changes of body composition - the body itself needs to adjust to a much smaller volume as well - different balance when moving, feeling the cold much more during winter months, smaller meal portions needed, smaller shoe size, wedding ring falling off finger, so much more floppy skin - (where does that come from?) I just put it all to "the wondrous human body" and try not to think about it. Trust MFP, appreciate the support of all those members, take it day by day, meal by meal.0
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Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.11 -
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Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
I know he hurt you but his heart was in the right place. Really any guy that is worth dating is going to pay much more attention to your confidence in who you are rather than the perfect body which doesn't exist. This isn't to say that you lack confidence, just that it is much better to concentrate on loving yourself, warts and all, over getting the perfect body.
I am far from perfect but my husband of over 20 years has loved me fat, skinny and everything in between. He loves me for who I am on the inside much more than who I am on the outside.8 -
Do you do any sports?
I only ask because I have found it very helpful to focus on what my body can do, rather than what it looks like.
I can actively have an impact on that in a way that I can't control my weight, because of natural fluctuations, it being slow etc.
I just started a new training programme for a run event a couple of weeks ago, I didn't lose any weight last week but I was 4 mins quicker running the first 10k of my run at the weekend.
I am proud of that progress, and that is good for how I feel about myself in general. I don't worry so much about the size of my thighs any more because of what they can do. If they also happen to shrink along the way that's a bonus.
Yoga, running, swimming, weight lifting, martial arts etc anything like that done regularly will start to have an impact on your body shape, and will probably make you feel better as it changes the focus.
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I go back to my original statement, there is someone for almost everyone. If a man or woman cant take you for who you are, then they are not the one. Looks fade, weight is lost and gained, but the soul... that's what matters. There are guys who like thin gals all the way up the ladder. Same with women.2
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Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
If a relatively benign comment trying to highlight that self confidence is a more attractive trait than insecurity really hurts you, I’m not sure an Internet forum is a great place for you to be posting. How old are you OP?15 -
Who said you had to be perfect? and who's 'bashing' you?
The entire crux of my post was to point out that no one is or expects anyone to be perfect. That being an inch here and an inch there off some idealised proportion equating to attractiveness is demanding a level of perfection beyond what any guy (or I'm guessing girl for that matter) would care about or even notice.
What I was trying to convey is that when it comes to attraction, no measurement, height, weight, eye colour, hair colour, figure or body shape comes close to mattering as much as confidence.
I'm sorry you've decided to take my post in a negative light. But the only person I can see in this thread who's bashing you or demanding perfection from you, is you.
Well said btw. op, If you cant love yourself the way you are, it's going to be harder for someone else to. Learn to love yourself and the skin you inhabit.1 -
@82EC I sincerely hope you consciously reset how you read things.
It seems to me that there is some confirmation bias going on here. If you are looking for things in what people say to be negative, you'll have no trouble finding it. If you assume certain motivations in others without knowing for sure, you can create "hurt" when there should be none. Try doing the opposite!
If that's how you normally look at things, it may take some conscious effort on your part to change the way you perceive things. I didn't see anything that @Danp said that would come across as 'bashing' or even back-handed.
You should be proud of what you have accomplished so far. Translate that in the way you carry yourself and be willing to accept advice. (You'd be amazed at what that does for your confidence).7 -
rheddmobile wrote: »So, someone else already asked this and it didn’t get answered. I’m confused by the measurements given. I had to run them through a converter, but you lost 83 lbs, bust the same, waist larger, and hips less than an inch smaller? Where did the lost weight come from? Also, your waist when you weighed 238 lbs was only 29 inches? Are these the correct measurements?
No that’s not correct - I was thin, got fat due to medication, then lost nearly all of the weight 38kg in total (I do not operate in pounds as I am in Australia). I am comparing my measurements from when I was thin the first time, to now. That’s what I meant by “compared to before I got fat”
Ah, that makes a lot more sense!
Unfortunately, “never fat” is often different from “fat but then lost weight.” For one thing, your skin has stretched and grown, and that extra skin lingers around after you lose weight. For another, fat cells get added when you gain weight, then shrink when you lose weight, but the new cells themselves still exist. That’s not to say that you can’t get back to your former appearance, just that it’s not always easy! Also, as mentioned, you’re older now.
If you haven’t been, try adding a progressive lifting program. Lifting weights is strongly associated with a reduction in waist size.
We’re still talking an inch here and an inch there. I understand you’re feeling fragile, but try to remind yourself that the difference isn’t nearly as obvious to others as it is to you. You’ve accomplished something amazing and have every right to be proud of your body.2
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