At goal but still not happy....
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I’m sorry OP and you aren’t going to like this post either but no one is attacking you and when you post on a public message board like this you do not get to dictate the kind of responses that you will get. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but this is why I question whether you have the maturity to be posting on a forum like this if you can’t take the feedback you are offered, all of which has been well intentioned and constructive from people who have experience with many of the things you’re dealing with, without reacting so strongly.
Soliciting feedback on an open forum can be scary and that’s why it’s important that you have the self confidence to remove emotion and take the advice in context without feeling like it’s a personal insult. None of us know you and no one is insulting you.
Best of luck with your future endeavors . I really hope you find your confidence and your place.13 -
Lillymoo01 wrote: »Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
I know he hurt you but his heart was in the right place. Really any guy that is worth dating is going to pay much more attention to your confidence in who you are rather than the perfect body which doesn't exist. This isn't to say that you lack confidence, just that it is much better to concentrate on loving yourself, warts and all, over getting the perfect body.
I am far from perfect but my husband of over 20 years has loved me fat, skinny and everything in between. He loves me for who I am on the inside much more than who I am on the outside.littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »Do you do any sports?
I only ask because I have found it very helpful to focus on what my body can do, rather than what it looks like.
I can actively have an impact on that in a way that I can't control my weight, because of natural fluctuations, it being slow etc.
I just started a new training programme for a run event a couple of weeks ago, I didn't lose any weight last week but I was 4 mins quicker running the first 10k of my run at the weekend.
I am proud of that progress, and that is good for how I feel about myself in general. I don't worry so much about the size of my thighs any more because of what they can do. If they also happen to shrink along the way that's a bonus.
Yoga, running, swimming, weight lifting, martial arts etc anything like that done regularly will start to have an impact on your body shape, and will probably make you feel better as it changes the focus.psychod787 wrote: »I go back to my original statement, there is someone for almost everyone. If a man or woman cant take you for who you are, then they are not the one. Looks fade, weight is lost and gained, but the soul... that's what matters. There are guys who like thin gals all the way up the ladder. Same with women.WinoGelato wrote: »Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
If a relatively benign comment trying to highlight that self confidence is a more attractive trait than insecurity really hurts you, I’m not sure an Internet forum is a great place for you to be posting. How old are you OP?psychod787 wrote: »Who said you had to be perfect? and who's 'bashing' you?
The entire crux of my post was to point out that no one is or expects anyone to be perfect. That being an inch here and an inch there off some idealised proportion equating to attractiveness is demanding a level of perfection beyond what any guy (or I'm guessing girl for that matter) would care about or even notice.
What I was trying to convey is that when it comes to attraction, no measurement, height, weight, eye colour, hair colour, figure or body shape comes close to mattering as much as confidence.
I'm sorry you've decided to take my post in a negative light. But the only person I can see in this thread who's bashing you or demanding perfection from you, is you.
Well said btw. op, If you cant love yourself the way you are, it's going to be harder for someone else to. Learn to love yourself and the skin you inhabit.Silentpadna wrote: »@82EC I sincerely hope you consciously reset how you read things.
It seems to me that there is some confirmation bias going on here. If you are looking for things in what people say to be negative, you'll have no trouble finding it. If you assume certain motivations in others without knowing for sure, you can create "hurt" when there should be none. Try doing the opposite!
If that's how you normally look at things, it may take some conscious effort on your part to change the way you perceive things. I didn't see anything that @Danp said that would come across as 'bashing' or even back-handed.
You should be proud of what you have accomplished so far. Translate that in the way you carry yourself and be willing to accept advice. (You'd be amazed at what that does for your confidence).
Wow you guys I just can’t believe the pile in this thread! I reached out for support and I got attacked, and you are all defending him and saying he’s right! I’m feeling worse now than when I posted this thread and tears are streaming down my face! I can’t understand why it is so hard for you to be supportive of ME the one who needs it and reached out for it - please if you are not going to say something KIND please don’t say anything at all!!!! Please stop judging me and hurting me - I worked really hard to lose that weight and I should be feeling proud of my achievement, not like *kitten* because some internet strangers tell me I’m not confident enough, that I need therapy, and even ask me how old I am!!! From now on I only want positive, kind responses, with people telling me kind things about myself! If you can’t do that, just don’t post at all! I hope that is clear.
A small part of me says, "WARNING! DO NOT ENGAGE!" Though the *kitten* hole in me just won....
1st. From the post I read, people were being quite empathetic to your plights and were simply giving you some feed back.
2nd. If you want to be a victim... you will be. You get two options in life OP. Be the sheep or be the hunter. If you walk around aimlessly and say BAAA, the wolf is going to see you as prey. If you learn to read the signs, make wise decisions, and not be a sheep but wear its skin, you become the hunter, allowing you to kill the wolf. I recommend you read "The 48 Laws of Power" and "The Art of War" Those two books will teach you how to be the hunter.
3rd. Get your hormones checked! Not because you are a "woman" , but because the kind of weight yoy lost can effect your hormones. If you are on medication your dosage might need to be changed because you are smaller.
4th. Seek some professional help. No shame in it. Even some of the most powerful people in the world "talk" to people.
5th. Learn to love yourself ,then seek a partner. Other wise, you are doomed to failure.
Sincerely,
Dalon
AKA your local iconoclast provocateur..5 -
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If you are going to report me let me give you a reason. Made your choice I see.0
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???0
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WinoGelato wrote: »I’m sorry OP and you aren’t going to like this post either but no one is attacking you and when you post on a public message board like this you do not get to dictate the kind of responses that you will get. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but this is why I question whether you have the maturity to be posting on a forum like this if you can’t take the feedback you are offered, all of which has been well intentioned and constructive from people who have experience with many of the things you’re dealing with, without reacting so strongly.
Soliciting feedback on an open forum can be scary and that’s why it’s important that you have the self confidence to remove emotion and take the advice in context without feeling like it’s a personal insult. None of us know you and no one is insulting you.
Best of luck with your future endeavors . I really hope you find your confidence and your place.psychod787 wrote: »Lillymoo01 wrote: »Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
I know he hurt you but his heart was in the right place. Really any guy that is worth dating is going to pay much more attention to your confidence in who you are rather than the perfect body which doesn't exist. This isn't to say that you lack confidence, just that it is much better to concentrate on loving yourself, warts and all, over getting the perfect body.
I am far from perfect but my husband of over 20 years has loved me fat, skinny and everything in between. He loves me for who I am on the inside much more than who I am on the outside.littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »Do you do any sports?
I only ask because I have found it very helpful to focus on what my body can do, rather than what it looks like.
I can actively have an impact on that in a way that I can't control my weight, because of natural fluctuations, it being slow etc.
I just started a new training programme for a run event a couple of weeks ago, I didn't lose any weight last week but I was 4 mins quicker running the first 10k of my run at the weekend.
I am proud of that progress, and that is good for how I feel about myself in general. I don't worry so much about the size of my thighs any more because of what they can do. If they also happen to shrink along the way that's a bonus.
Yoga, running, swimming, weight lifting, martial arts etc anything like that done regularly will start to have an impact on your body shape, and will probably make you feel better as it changes the focus.psychod787 wrote: »I go back to my original statement, there is someone for almost everyone. If a man or woman cant take you for who you are, then they are not the one. Looks fade, weight is lost and gained, but the soul... that's what matters. There are guys who like thin gals all the way up the ladder. Same with women.WinoGelato wrote: »Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
If a relatively benign comment trying to highlight that self confidence is a more attractive trait than insecurity really hurts you, I’m not sure an Internet forum is a great place for you to be posting. How old are you OP?psychod787 wrote: »Who said you had to be perfect? and who's 'bashing' you?
The entire crux of my post was to point out that no one is or expects anyone to be perfect. That being an inch here and an inch there off some idealised proportion equating to attractiveness is demanding a level of perfection beyond what any guy (or I'm guessing girl for that matter) would care about or even notice.
What I was trying to convey is that when it comes to attraction, no measurement, height, weight, eye colour, hair colour, figure or body shape comes close to mattering as much as confidence.
I'm sorry you've decided to take my post in a negative light. But the only person I can see in this thread who's bashing you or demanding perfection from you, is you.
Well said btw. op, If you cant love yourself the way you are, it's going to be harder for someone else to. Learn to love yourself and the skin you inhabit.Silentpadna wrote: »@82EC I sincerely hope you consciously reset how you read things.
It seems to me that there is some confirmation bias going on here. If you are looking for things in what people say to be negative, you'll have no trouble finding it. If you assume certain motivations in others without knowing for sure, you can create "hurt" when there should be none. Try doing the opposite!
If that's how you normally look at things, it may take some conscious effort on your part to change the way you perceive things. I didn't see anything that @Danp said that would come across as 'bashing' or even back-handed.
You should be proud of what you have accomplished so far. Translate that in the way you carry yourself and be willing to accept advice. (You'd be amazed at what that does for your confidence).
Wow you guys I just can’t believe the pile in this thread! I reached out for support and I got attacked, and you are all defending him and saying he’s right! I’m feeling worse now than when I posted this thread and tears are streaming down my face! I can’t understand why it is so hard for you to be supportive of ME the one who needs it and reached out for it - please if you are not going to say something KIND please don’t say anything at all!!!! Please stop judging me and hurting me - I worked really hard to lose that weight and I should be feeling proud of my achievement, not like *kitten* because some internet strangers tell me I’m not confident enough, that I need therapy, and even ask me how old I am!!! From now on I only want positive, kind responses, with people telling me kind things about myself! If you can’t do that, just don’t post at all! I hope that is clear.
A small part of me says, "WARNING! DO NOT ENGAGE!" Though the *kitten* hole in me just won....
1st. From the post I read, people were being quite empathetic to your plights and were simply giving you some feed back.
2nd. If you want to be a victim... you will be. You get two options in life OP. Be the sheep or be the hunter. If you walk around aimlessly and say BAAA, the wolf is going to see you as prey. If you learn to read the signs, make wise decisions, and not be a sheep but wear its skin, you become the hunter, allowing you to kill the wolf. I recommend you read "The 48 Laws of Power" and "The Art of War" Those two books will teach you how to be the hunter.
3rd. Get your hormones checked! Not because you are a "woman" , but because the kind of weight yoy lost can effect your hormones. If you are on medication your dosage might need to be changed because you are smaller.
4th. Seek some professional help. No shame in it. Even some of the most powerful people in the world "talk" to people.
5th. Learn to love yourself ,then seek a partner. Other wise, you are doomed to failure.
Sincerely,
Dalon
AKA your local iconoclast provocateur..
Sorry guys but these are exactly the kind of posts I specifically asked not to receive any more of. If you knew I would not like what you were saying, why say it - you are just hurting me even more and making it worse!
I'd like for you to understand that because you are not reacting to the way that most intended their posts to be, then it follows that there is no way for many of us to even know what kind of posts you intend to read in response.
Mine was among the posts that supposedly made things worse. For the life of me I would not understand why. As a (used to be young) man lacking in confidence, I know exactly what that feels like - and what it looks like. I found that over time, my perceptions of what others thought of me were way off base. I have the benefit of age and experience, and people admitting to me later that they didn't think of me at all the way I thought.
The bottom line is that you, me or anybody else, doesn't get to choose how people will respond. My (friendly) recommendation still stands: if you feel like somebody is "piling on", choose to ignore the feeling and give the benefit of the doubt. This community is extremely helpful and I daresay a better section of the general population in terms of friendliness than the outside world. Probably by a lot.
As to your original post, the most helpful practical advice in here is this: choose a progressive overload lifting program and watch your body shape respond. Good luck!4 -
Lillymoo01 wrote: »Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
I know he hurt you but his heart was in the right place. Really any guy that is worth dating is going to pay much more attention to your confidence in who you are rather than the perfect body which doesn't exist. This isn't to say that you lack confidence, just that it is much better to concentrate on loving yourself, warts and all, over getting the perfect body.
I am far from perfect but my husband of over 20 years has loved me fat, skinny and everything in between. He loves me for who I am on the inside much more than who I am on the outside.littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »Do you do any sports?
I only ask because I have found it very helpful to focus on what my body can do, rather than what it looks like.
I can actively have an impact on that in a way that I can't control my weight, because of natural fluctuations, it being slow etc.
I just started a new training programme for a run event a couple of weeks ago, I didn't lose any weight last week but I was 4 mins quicker running the first 10k of my run at the weekend.
I am proud of that progress, and that is good for how I feel about myself in general. I don't worry so much about the size of my thighs any more because of what they can do. If they also happen to shrink along the way that's a bonus.
Yoga, running, swimming, weight lifting, martial arts etc anything like that done regularly will start to have an impact on your body shape, and will probably make you feel better as it changes the focus.psychod787 wrote: »I go back to my original statement, there is someone for almost everyone. If a man or woman cant take you for who you are, then they are not the one. Looks fade, weight is lost and gained, but the soul... that's what matters. There are guys who like thin gals all the way up the ladder. Same with women.WinoGelato wrote: »Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
If a relatively benign comment trying to highlight that self confidence is a more attractive trait than insecurity really hurts you, I’m not sure an Internet forum is a great place for you to be posting. How old are you OP?psychod787 wrote: »Who said you had to be perfect? and who's 'bashing' you?
The entire crux of my post was to point out that no one is or expects anyone to be perfect. That being an inch here and an inch there off some idealised proportion equating to attractiveness is demanding a level of perfection beyond what any guy (or I'm guessing girl for that matter) would care about or even notice.
What I was trying to convey is that when it comes to attraction, no measurement, height, weight, eye colour, hair colour, figure or body shape comes close to mattering as much as confidence.
I'm sorry you've decided to take my post in a negative light. But the only person I can see in this thread who's bashing you or demanding perfection from you, is you.
Well said btw. op, If you cant love yourself the way you are, it's going to be harder for someone else to. Learn to love yourself and the skin you inhabit.Silentpadna wrote: »@82EC I sincerely hope you consciously reset how you read things.
It seems to me that there is some confirmation bias going on here. If you are looking for things in what people say to be negative, you'll have no trouble finding it. If you assume certain motivations in others without knowing for sure, you can create "hurt" when there should be none. Try doing the opposite!
If that's how you normally look at things, it may take some conscious effort on your part to change the way you perceive things. I didn't see anything that @Danp said that would come across as 'bashing' or even back-handed.
You should be proud of what you have accomplished so far. Translate that in the way you carry yourself and be willing to accept advice. (You'd be amazed at what that does for your confidence).
Wow you guys I just can’t believe the pile in this thread! I reached out for support and I got attacked, and you are all defending him and saying he’s right! I’m feeling worse now than when I posted this thread and tears are streaming down my face! I can’t understand why it is so hard for you to be supportive of ME the one who needs it and reached out for it - please if you are not going to say something KIND please don’t say anything at all!!!! Please stop judging me and hurting me - I worked really hard to lose that weight and I should be feeling proud of my achievement, not like *kitten* because some internet strangers tell me I’m not confident enough, that I need therapy, and even ask me how old I am!!! From now on I only want positive, kind responses, with people telling me kind things about myself! If you can’t do that, just don’t post at all! I hope that is clear.
My post neither attacked nor criticised you in any way. In fact, I thought it was showing you support by saying that any decent guy will not care about your figure. If you took it as an attack then that is not my fault, nor my problem.5 -
littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »Do you do any sports?
I only ask because I have found it very helpful to focus on what my body can do, rather than what it looks like.
I can actively have an impact on that in a way that I can't control my weight, because of natural fluctuations, it being slow etc.
I just started a new training programme for a run event a couple of weeks ago, I didn't lose any weight last week but I was 4 mins quicker running the first 10k of my run at the weekend.
I am proud of that progress, and that is good for how I feel about myself in general. I don't worry so much about the size of my thighs any more because of what they can do. If they also happen to shrink along the way that's a bonus.
Yoga, running, swimming, weight lifting, martial arts etc anything like that done regularly will start to have an impact on your body shape, and will probably make you feel better as it changes the focus.
Wow you guys I just can’t believe the pile in this thread! I reached out for support and I got attacked, and you are all defending him and saying he’s right! I’m feeling worse now than when I posted this thread and tears are streaming down my face! I can’t understand why it is so hard for you to be supportive of ME the one who needs it and reached out for it - please if you are not going to say something KIND please don’t say anything at all!!!! Please stop judging me and hurting me - I worked really hard to lose that weight and I should be feeling proud of my achievement, not like *kitten* because some internet strangers tell me I’m not confident enough, that I need therapy, and even ask me how old I am!!! From now on I only want positive, kind responses, with people telling me kind things about myself! If you can’t do that, just don’t post at all! I hope that is clear.
[/quote]
I'm sorry you feel that way, I shared something that has significantly helped my self esteem and mental health, as well as re-shaping my figure. My understanding of your post was that was what you were trying to achieve, so thought it might be helpful.
Clearly I misunderstood, which can be danger on forums. I hope you find a way forward that works for you.2 -
Just to clarify something. At no stage did I say that you weren't good enough. In fact quite the opposite, I was trying to convey that you ARE good enough, that you are worthy just the way you are. But if you don't believe that how can anyone else?
Ok well that was the most backhanded compliment I have ever got! In future, if you want to tell someone they are good enough, say that (though I don’t know how you would know from an Internet forum) - don’t go on about how a quality they may have in spades is a total turnoff for the very people they have said they are trying to appeal to...,
I don't need to know you to think you have value. I just assume that everyone is worthy and has value.
Well unless you're a child murderer or someone who fires up their smartphone screen in a cinema during a movie.
Well if you think I am worthy and have value, you have a pretty funny way of showing it!! Your words really hurt me.
Nope. I'm sorry but that's just not true and I'm not going to own that. My words were just simple advice and insight and I can't be held responsible if you decide to take my (and everyone elses) words and twist them into a weapon to use against yourself. That's on you.
I don't think you came here for advice. You say you want "kind" posts? Well you've got a bunch of people who have very kindly offered congratulations, advice and support, but you aren't really looking for kind. You came here seeking confirmation of your inner monologue, to elicit a pity party and be fed a bunch of placating lies. Feeding, bolstering and enabling your self destructive insecurities isn't kind and it's not something a bunch of kind people would do.
Unfortunately for you (but fortunately for everyone else) the MFP community doesn't work that way. One of the greatest attributes of this community is that it refuses to coddle with empty platitudes. The strength of this community is that it will give you the truth you need to hear rather than the lie you want to be told.
I genuinely wish you the best and hope that at a later date you can revisit this thread when you're in a healthier mindset and see the posts for what they really are. I hope you find the strength to deal with the struggles you're facing and realise that seeking help to achieve emotional/mental well being isn't a sign of weakness or something to be ashamed of.13 -
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So, I deliberately made a post which ignored the history of this thread and addressed the issue you originally asked about, and you ignored it. It seems like you have a very specific kind of blindness where you can only see people you think are attacking you.4
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Hey, OP. I think you need this website in your life (it's not spammy, I swear).
(It's Harry Styles related.)
https://doyouknowwhoyouare.com/1 -
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