Do you give advice to those who are struggling?

peachvine29
peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
edited December 24 in Health and Weight Loss
I've lost 60 lbs. and gained a whole ton of knowledge and skills in fat loss/diet and nutrition/training (though of course there is more learning to do!). I have a coworker that has been very complimentary of my work on my fitness/weight loss. She is in her 50's, she was very thin a year ago due to stomach issues and not eating very much at all but has since put on weight. She has expressed that she wants to lose the weight. My workplace just started offering personal training which both of us have signed up for individually.

Today my coworker ate lunch at 3 pm and told me she was just now eating lunch, and said that I am so good about my food habits but she is not. She then told me that she has been working so hard with her PT but has actually gained weight. I told her it may be muscle and she said she didn't think so. She then said she thinks it is because she is older and her metabolism is slow. I really just want to tell her it is all about calories, if she wants to lose fat she just needs a calorie deficit, it doesn't matter how old you are at all (I know you may burn a bit less as you get older but I don't think it's by much if you are active). But, I just agreed, and said "Yeah...". But of course I really just want to tell her how to lose weight because I am excited about my newfound knowledge. I should just keep quiet, right? I don't want to annoy her or offend her... She also thinks she has to run and work out two times a day, killing herself in the gym, and I just want to tell her it's not necessary... I guess her PT could just help her? It's just sad seeing someone struggle so much for nothing.
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Replies

  • peachvine29
    peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
    lgfrie wrote: »
    I no longer give weight lose advice. Like @cmriverside I pretty much just say "I eat less and try to get some exercise". One thing I definitely never discuss with people is IF, which me and my wife have been doing for 6 months with great results, because that conversation never goes right.

    I have some verrrrry obese people in my orbit and any discussion of dieting with them taps into deep-seated issues and emotions that I've learned can't be sorted out with guidance or holding out my own experience as an example.

    I've gotten to a point where I feel a person has to make their own decision that they want this, want it more than they want that next queso and chips, and they just have to reach deep within themselves to find the determination to get started and then to see it through. I don't think that is "teachable". Each person has to get to the point where they're ready.

    Very insightful! I agree that it really isn't teachable, you really just have to want it enough to make sacrifices and no amount of knowledge is going to help you without the discipline and determination to follow through with the actions. Eating less is all it takes.
  • spiriteagle99
    spiriteagle99 Posts: 3,749 Member
    In the circumstances described by the OP, I would give advice, especially when she said that she couldn't lose weight because she was older. I wouldn't offer advice if it wasn't part of an ongoing discussion about weight loss. I have several obese family members and I don't say a word about weight loss to them. One did ask for advice after he had signed up for a very expensive vitamin program that was supposed to help himm lose weight. He asked what I thought of it and I gave my opinion. I have no idea whether he listened, but since there has been no obvious weight lost in the past six months, I rather doubt it. I hope at least he's not wasting his money any more.

    When I was trying to lose weight, I would talk to friends about what they were doing and how it worked for them. I learned some things that I was able to use in my weight loss efforts. I know that some of what I do wouldn't work for other people, but I have enough knowledge I can help, but only if asked. I am not about to give unsolicited advice. That's a good way to ruin a friendship.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    Connection matters. Just be a good friend and an even better listener. A man or woman convinced against their will are of the same opinion still. Contrary to popular opinion, it's better to let the horse lead you to the watering hole. They'll take a big drink when they're good and ready. I wouldn't say a single word. Silence is golden.
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,693 Member
    In answer to your subject line ... nope.

    People's fitness is their own business.
  • peachvine29
    peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
    amy19355 wrote: »
    It's often hard to determine what kind of feedback people want. Sometimes, they want coaching - real advice; other times, they want encouragement even in the face of small successes - atta girl; and sometimes they are ready for and actually seeking an assessment of what they're doing and why it might not be working as they thought it should.

    I generally stay on the side of "the most success I've had is with counting calories, and, when I learned that calories are calories, (sweet, savory or alcoholic), it was much easier to find a lifestyle eating plan, rather than some kind of "diet". THen I tell them about MFP and send them a link if they show further interest.

    at the end, we might be able to lead the horse to the water, but if it doens't want to drink, it won't, no matter what we say.

    good luck to you, and to your coworker!

    Thank you. I think it is hard to tell what exactly she is looking for in this situation. Since she has not asked for my experience or help, and has mostly been telling me about her struggles losing weight, I can assume that she isn’t wanting help so much as to vent and be listened to about the struggles she has. I agree that you can’t help anyone, they can only help themselves when they are ready.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,458 Member
    peachvine29 wrote: »
    amy19355 wrote: »
    It's often hard to determine what kind of feedback people want. Sometimes, they want coaching - real advice; other times, they want encouragement even in the face of small successes - atta girl; and sometimes they are ready for and actually seeking an assessment of what they're doing and why it might not be working as they thought it should.

    I generally stay on the side of "the most success I've had is with counting calories, and, when I learned that calories are calories, (sweet, savory or alcoholic), it was much easier to find a lifestyle eating plan, rather than some kind of "diet". THen I tell them about MFP and send them a link if they show further interest.

    at the end, we might be able to lead the horse to the water, but if it doens't want to drink, it won't, no matter what we say.

    good luck to you, and to your coworker!

    Thank you. I think it is hard to tell what exactly she is looking for in this situation. Since she has not asked for my experience or help, and has mostly been telling me about her struggles losing weight, I can assume that she isn’t wanting help so much as to vent and be listened to about the struggles she has. I agree that you can’t help anyone, they can only help themselves when they are ready.

    I have a lot of Issues with people who constantly want to "vent." I think if you feel she does this a lot, I'd start saying brief things such as, "Yeah, weight loss is a long game," or, "yeah, sounds rough," or whatever and then I'd walk away. I don't have any patience whatsoever with people who want to vent over and over about the same things. I'd just make weight loss an off-limits topic. "You've certainly struggled a long time, haven't you?" "How 'bout those Yankees?"




    "How 'bout those Yankees?" is my version of changing the subject     :lol:
  • katsheare
    katsheare Posts: 1,025 Member
    peachvine29 wrote: »
    I didn’t say there was anything wrong with eating lunch at 3, she did, when she said “man I am just now getting to eat lunch, you’re so good with food and I’m not, and after all that hard work with the trainer I’ve actually gained weight”. I can guess that she meant to eat lunch at her lunch period but had errands to do at lunch and had a busy day working.

    I wasn’t really saying I should give her advice, moreso just mention calorie deficit is needed to lose weight in some way, or say I counted calories to lose weight. Obviously I already had strong reservations about saying anything, which is why I haven’t after a year of her bringing up my weight loss and how she can’t lose weight to me. I will not say anything unless she asks me explicitly about how I lost weight. I guess she just needs a listening ear and will get there if she wants to get there.

    Two observations: The italicised bit does feel like she's looking for something more from you. Possibly not, but in your position I would read that as a signal being sent. I think you're wise to temper it with the letting her actually say she wants your input.

    The bold bit is so frequently true. Losing weight can simply be about CICO and food/exercise in general, but for many it's not that straightforward. Just having a listening ear that doesn't judge, doesn't try to change things, accepts what is being said can mean so much to someone. As you say, it's her journey to take at her own pace. She's got professional support, that empowerment is vital.

    Hopefully you're not being put in an uncomfortable position of being one way she punishes herself for where she is. Not saying that's the case, but it does happen, and isn't pleasant. Congratulations on all your hard work!
  • peachvine29
    peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
    edited December 2019
    cmriverside wrote: »
    peachvine29 wrote: »
    amy19355 wrote: »
    It's often hard to determine what kind of feedback people want. Sometimes, they want coaching - real advice; other times, they want encouragement even in the face of small successes - atta girl; and sometimes they are ready for and actually seeking an assessment of what they're doing and why it might not be working as they thought it should.

    I generally stay on the side of "the most success I've had is with counting calories, and, when I learned that calories are calories, (sweet, savory or alcoholic), it was much easier to find a lifestyle eating plan, rather than some kind of "diet". THen I tell them about MFP and send them a link if they show further interest.

    at the end, we might be able to lead the horse to the water, but if it doens't want to drink, it won't, no matter what we say.

    good luck to you, and to your coworker!

    Thank you. I think it is hard to tell what exactly she is looking for in this situation. Since she has not asked for my experience or help, and has mostly been telling me about her struggles losing weight, I can assume that she isn’t wanting help so much as to vent and be listened to about the struggles she has. I agree that you can’t help anyone, they can only help themselves when they are ready.

    I have a lot of Issues with people who constantly want to "vent." I think if you feel she does this a lot, I'd start saying brief things such as, "Yeah, weight loss is a long game," or, "yeah, sounds rough," or whatever and then I'd walk away. I don't have any patience whatsoever with people who want to vent over and over about the same things. I'd just make weight loss an off-limits topic. "You've certainly struggled a long time, haven't you?" "How 'bout those Yankees?"




    "How 'bout those Yankees?" is my version of changing the subject     :lol:

    Thank you, you made me realize how I am a little frustrated with the situation. I truly believe my coworker is an awesome woman, so kind, considerate, intelligent, and great at her work, but I do feel confused and a little annoyed with the venting that she has been doing since last summer. I don't mean to come off so harshly. I know I have not to her, I always just listen and empathize. I think I will still listen to her but then start changing the subject sooner unless she asks me for any input.
  • peachvine29
    peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
    katsheare wrote: »
    peachvine29 wrote: »
    I didn’t say there was anything wrong with eating lunch at 3, she did, when she said “man I am just now getting to eat lunch, you’re so good with food and I’m not, and after all that hard work with the trainer I’ve actually gained weight”. I can guess that she meant to eat lunch at her lunch period but had errands to do at lunch and had a busy day working.

    I wasn’t really saying I should give her advice, moreso just mention calorie deficit is needed to lose weight in some way, or say I counted calories to lose weight. Obviously I already had strong reservations about saying anything, which is why I haven’t after a year of her bringing up my weight loss and how she can’t lose weight to me. I will not say anything unless she asks me explicitly about how I lost weight. I guess she just needs a listening ear and will get there if she wants to get there.

    Two observations: The italicised bit does feel like she's looking for something more from you. Possibly not, but in your position I would read that as a signal being sent. I think you're wise to temper it with the letting her actually say she wants your input.

    The bold bit is so frequently true. Losing weight can simply be about CICO and food/exercise in general, but for many it's not that straightforward. Just having a listening ear that doesn't judge, doesn't try to change things, accepts what is being said can mean so much to someone. As you say, it's her journey to take at her own pace. She's got professional support, that empowerment is vital.

    Hopefully you're not being put in an uncomfortable position of being one way she punishes herself for where she is. Not saying that's the case, but it does happen, and isn't pleasant. Congratulations on all your hard work!

    Thank you, that is mainly what I was asking, does it seem she wants input or not? I think it is best to wait until she asks for it, too, though. I don't want to offend her.

    As for the bolded, I really hope not, that did not occur to me! She has been nothing but sweet to me, so I hope internally she isn't feeling upset at herself. I think she is truly beautiful inside and out and I look up to her in a lot of ways actually.
  • onward1
    onward1 Posts: 386 Member
    I would mention that for ME, it helped to not think of it as a "diet", but more of a lifestyle change. And leave it at that. I've learned most folks don't want to hear about MFP.
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