Do you give advice to those who are struggling?

peachvine29

I've lost 60 lbs. and gained a whole ton of knowledge and skills in fat loss/diet and nutrition/training (though of course there is more learning to do!). I have a coworker that has been very complimentary of my work on my fitness/weight loss. She is in her 50's, she was very thin a year ago due to stomach issues and not eating very much at all but has since put on weight. She has expressed that she wants to lose the weight. My workplace just started offering personal training which both of us have signed up for individually.

Today my coworker ate lunch at 3 pm and told me she was just now eating lunch, and said that I am so good about my food habits but she is not. She then told me that she has been working so hard with her PT but has actually gained weight. I told her it may be muscle and she said she didn't think so. She then said she thinks it is because she is older and her metabolism is slow. I really just want to tell her it is all about calories, if she wants to lose fat she just needs a calorie deficit, it doesn't matter how old you are at all (I know you may burn a bit less as you get older but I don't think it's by much if you are active). But, I just agreed, and said "Yeah...". But of course I really just want to tell her how to lose weight because I am excited about my newfound knowledge. I should just keep quiet, right? I don't want to annoy her or offend her... She also thinks she has to run and work out two times a day, killing herself in the gym, and I just want to tell her it's not necessary... I guess her PT could just help her? It's just sad seeing someone struggle so much for nothing.

cmriverside

peachvine29 wrote: »

I've lost 60 lbs. and gained a whole ton of knowledge and skills in fat loss/diet and nutrition/training (though of course there is more learning to do!). I have a coworker that has been very complimentary of my work on my fitness/weight loss. She is in her 50's, she was very thin a year ago due to illness and not eating very much at all, and has since put on weight and has expressed that she wants to lose the weight. My workplace just started offering personal training which both of us have signed up for.

Today my coworker ate lunch at 3pm and told me she was just now eating lunch, and said that I am so good about my food habits but she is not. She then told me that she has been working so hard with PT but has gained weight. I told her it might be muscle and she said she didn't think so. She then said she thinks it is because she is older and her metabolism is slow. I really just want to tell her it is all about calories, if she wants to lose fat she just needs a calorie deficit, it doesn't matter how old you are at all (I know you may burn a bit less as you get older but I don't think it's much if you are active). But, I just agreed, and said "Yeah...". But of course I really just want to tell her how to lose weight because I am excited about my newfound knowledge. I should just keep quiet, right? I don't want to annoy her or offend her...

Well...I would start by not telling her that her weight "gain" is muscle because it's not very likely that a 50-something year old woman who JUST started training has gained any muscle at all. It's very difficult for women to gain muscle, the amount (weight-wise) is very small and it takes a long time. Think several months IF she's dong a progressive weight program - which I'm guessing she's not. :flowerforyou:

I'm sure you mean well, but she has hired a professional to help. If she specifically asks a question about what you did that's one thing but telling her how to do it? Just no

puffbrat

I only offer advice when people ask. In a conversation such as the one you described, I may say something like "my experience has been...." but otherwise leave it alone.

amy19355

It's often hard to determine what kind of feedback people want. Sometimes, they want coaching - real advice; other times, they want encouragement even in the face of small successes - atta girl; and sometimes they are ready for and actually seeking an assessment of what they're doing and why it might not be working as they thought it should.

I generally stay on the side of "the most success I've had is with counting calories, and, when I learned that calories are calories, (sweet, savory or alcoholic), it was much easier to find a lifestyle eating plan, rather than some kind of "diet". THen I tell them about MFP and send them a link if they show further interest.

at the end, we might be able to lead the horse to the water, but if it doens't want to drink, it won't, no matter what we say.

good luck to you, and to your coworker!

PapillonNoire

No, I don't bother giving weight loss advice anymore even when asked. No one seems to want to hear that it's just about eating less than you burn. They insist CICO doesn't work for them or just become immediately disinterested.

cmriverside

PapillonNoire wrote: »

No, I don't bother giving weight loss advice anymore even when asked. No one seems to want to hear that it's just about eating less than you burn. They insist CICO doesn't work for them or just become immediately disinterested.

Isn't that the truth?

I've condensed my weight loss discussion to, "I just eat less and try to get a little exercise."

That's it. They asked because they wanted the secret. The Secret is a pretty boring every day routine.

nighthawk584

just like financial advice, no! or generic, eat less exercise more.

lgfrie

I no longer give weight lose advice. Like @cmriverside I pretty much just say "I eat less and try to get some exercise". One thing I definitely never discuss with people is IF, which me and my wife have been doing for 6 months with great results, because that conversation never goes right.

I have some verrrrry obese people in my orbit and any discussion of dieting with them taps into deep-seated issues and emotions that I've learned can't be sorted out with guidance or holding out my own experience as an example.

I've gotten to a point where I feel a person has to make their own decision that they want this, want it more than they want that next queso and chips, and they just have to reach deep within themselves to find the determination to get started and then to see it through. I don't think that is "teachable". Each person has to get to the point where they're ready.

pinuplove

I usually nope right out of those conversations. Most of the time they don't want to hear what I have to say anyway because it isn't a magic bullet. If someone really, truly seems interested I might engage a little, but that's rare.

PAV8888

It reminds me of a thread I wasted my time responding to twice recently.

It wasn't even that the OP got THAT much of a push back.

What she didn't get was an "attagirl" for going on a VLCD of questionable provenance which involved buying food from an independent coach and which she was already having trouble complying with <-- and at that the ONLY push she got was as to whether a VLCD was the BEST idea in general given the task ahead of her.

Yet she asked for the thread to be deleted and (unfortunately in an instance where there was nothing personal in the thread, no identifying information, no particular acrimony, and nothing to accomplish by the deletion other than to remove from sight the lack of pile on congratulations for what looked like an iffy decision) MFP staff apparently complied.

Most people don't actually want advice even when given in a relatively polite and matter of fact manner.

Real change is hard and echo chambers feel good!

garber6th

PAV8888 wrote: »

Most people don't actually want advice even when given in a relatively polite and matter of fact manner.

This - I have found that most people don't want help or advice, they want you to tell them what they want to hear, not what they might need to know.

peachvine29

lgfrie wrote: »

I no longer give weight lose advice. Like @cmriverside I pretty much just say "I eat less and try to get some exercise". One thing I definitely never discuss with people is IF, which me and my wife have been doing for 6 months with great results, because that conversation never goes right.

I have some verrrrry obese people in my orbit and any discussion of dieting with them taps into deep-seated issues and emotions that I've learned can't be sorted out with guidance or holding out my own experience as an example.

I've gotten to a point where I feel a person has to make their own decision that they want this, want it more than they want that next queso and chips, and they just have to reach deep within themselves to find the determination to get started and then to see it through. I don't think that is "teachable". Each person has to get to the point where they're ready.

Very insightful! I agree that it really isn't teachable, you really just have to want it enough to make sacrifices and no amount of knowledge is going to help you without the discipline and determination to follow through with the actions. Eating less is all it takes.

peachvine29

pinuplove wrote: »

I usually nope right out of those conversations. Most of the time they don't want to hear what I have to say anyway because it isn't a magic bullet. If someone really, truly seems interested I might engage a little, but that's rare.

Haha. I agree. I don't think she wants my advice, I'm not really sure what she wants. The only person who ever genuinely seemed interested in my "how" was my stepsister who repeatedly asked how I lost the weight, I told her MFP and counting calories, and she actually downloaded the app and started using it. Then she got prego. But I was shocked she actually was interested, literally every one else is not. And that's okay. I'm just happy I know the "secret". If someone cares enough to try they'll discover the secret too. I wonder what other secrets are out there, lol.

Where there's a will, there's a way!

spiriteagle99

In the circumstances described by the OP, I would give advice, especially when she said that she couldn't lose weight because she was older. I wouldn't offer advice if it wasn't part of an ongoing discussion about weight loss. I have several obese family members and I don't say a word about weight loss to them. One did ask for advice after he had signed up for a very expensive vitamin program that was supposed to help himm lose weight. He asked what I thought of it and I gave my opinion. I have no idea whether he listened, but since there has been no obvious weight lost in the past six months, I rather doubt it. I hope at least he's not wasting his money any more.

When I was trying to lose weight, I would talk to friends about what they were doing and how it worked for them. I learned some things that I was able to use in my weight loss efforts. I know that some of what I do wouldn't work for other people, but I have enough knowledge I can help, but only if asked. I am not about to give unsolicited advice. That's a good way to ruin a friendship.

peggy_polenta

she is not your business and i doubt she would like to know you are talking about her on here and im curious to know what qualifies you to give her any advice? further this woman has medical issues...would you even understand how her diet is effected by them? you also sound very judgy. and also, not sure why you think there is an issue with her waiting till 3 to eat. i would be curious also to know if you have been able to maintain your weight loss for more than 7 years. or even more than one year. maybe then you might be in your place to offer advice on what WORKED FOR YOU. until then, know your place and your station.

PAV8888

peggy_polenta wrote: »

she is not your business and i doubt she would like to know you are talking about her on here and im curious to know what qualifies you to give her any advice? further this woman has medical issues...would you even understand how her diet is effected by them? you also sound very judgy. and also, not sure why you think there is an issue with her waiting till 3 to eat. i would be curious also to know if you have been able to maintain your weight loss for more than 7 years. or even more than one year. maybe then you might be in your place to offer advice on what WORKED FOR YOU. until then, know your place and your station.

Don't we love how far MFP reaches? I think we just found the OP's advice target and she confirms that the advice would not be of much interest to her! Problem solved!

Diatonic12

Connection matters. Just be a good friend and an even better listener. A man or woman convinced against their will are of the same opinion still. Contrary to popular opinion, it's better to let the horse lead you to the watering hole. They'll take a big drink when they're good and ready. I wouldn't say a single word. Silence is golden.

AnnPT77

If someone asks me how I lost weight, I tell them ("calorie counting with an app"). If they ask more questions, I answer them. If they ask for help, I'd try to help them, attempting to do so without getting all religious-like about it.

I don't assume what worked for me will work for them, generally.

I admit I've sometimes I've countered people who say "XYZ is the only way to lose weight!", when I know it's not true: Basically just say "That's funny, I lost about 1/3 of my body weight by calorie counting", or "I didn't add any exercise in order to lose weight." or whatever.

If there's a general conversation in a group about what various people do or try to do to lose weight, I'll participate by saying what I did, at about the same level of detail others are participating.

That's about it. Generally, I figure weight loss doesn't need to be a taboo subject, or an article of quasi-religion; and that my weight loss methods are a pretty boring conversational topic for most other people who don't ask probing questions about it.

Danp

Firstly, I never give unsolicited advice, but when asked I relate my personal experiences only. So all my statements are "I have found..." or "What I did was..." or "In my experience..." and let them draw their own conclusions and decide what to do with what I've said.

francesca_grey

When someone (especially a friend) is struggling and they confide in you and you offer them advice, you are invalidating their emotions. You make the conversation all about you instead of them and what they are dealing with in the moment. I’ve stopped offering so much advice and instead just listen and empathize so they feel heard. Often what people need most when making behavioral changes is support, not more knowledge. If this starts to become too draining or they vent to me too much then I avoid conversation with them.

I realize that the above was “advice”, then again you don’t seem to be seeking support so I’ll make an exception in this case!

Machka9

In answer to your subject line ... nope.

People's fitness is their own business.