Do you give advice to those who are struggling?

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2

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  • peachvine29
    peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
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    amy19355 wrote: »
    It's often hard to determine what kind of feedback people want. Sometimes, they want coaching - real advice; other times, they want encouragement even in the face of small successes - atta girl; and sometimes they are ready for and actually seeking an assessment of what they're doing and why it might not be working as they thought it should.

    I generally stay on the side of "the most success I've had is with counting calories, and, when I learned that calories are calories, (sweet, savory or alcoholic), it was much easier to find a lifestyle eating plan, rather than some kind of "diet". THen I tell them about MFP and send them a link if they show further interest.

    at the end, we might be able to lead the horse to the water, but if it doens't want to drink, it won't, no matter what we say.

    good luck to you, and to your coworker!

    Thank you. I think it is hard to tell what exactly she is looking for in this situation. Since she has not asked for my experience or help, and has mostly been telling me about her struggles losing weight, I can assume that she isn’t wanting help so much as to vent and be listened to about the struggles she has. I agree that you can’t help anyone, they can only help themselves when they are ready.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 33,969 Member
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    peachvine29 wrote: »
    amy19355 wrote: »
    It's often hard to determine what kind of feedback people want. Sometimes, they want coaching - real advice; other times, they want encouragement even in the face of small successes - atta girl; and sometimes they are ready for and actually seeking an assessment of what they're doing and why it might not be working as they thought it should.

    I generally stay on the side of "the most success I've had is with counting calories, and, when I learned that calories are calories, (sweet, savory or alcoholic), it was much easier to find a lifestyle eating plan, rather than some kind of "diet". THen I tell them about MFP and send them a link if they show further interest.

    at the end, we might be able to lead the horse to the water, but if it doens't want to drink, it won't, no matter what we say.

    good luck to you, and to your coworker!

    Thank you. I think it is hard to tell what exactly she is looking for in this situation. Since she has not asked for my experience or help, and has mostly been telling me about her struggles losing weight, I can assume that she isn’t wanting help so much as to vent and be listened to about the struggles she has. I agree that you can’t help anyone, they can only help themselves when they are ready.

    I have a lot of Issues with people who constantly want to "vent." I think if you feel she does this a lot, I'd start saying brief things such as, "Yeah, weight loss is a long game," or, "yeah, sounds rough," or whatever and then I'd walk away. I don't have any patience whatsoever with people who want to vent over and over about the same things. I'd just make weight loss an off-limits topic. "You've certainly struggled a long time, haven't you?" "How 'bout those Yankees?"




    "How 'bout those Yankees?" is my version of changing the subject     :lol:
  • katsheare
    katsheare Posts: 1,025 Member
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    peachvine29 wrote: »
    I didn’t say there was anything wrong with eating lunch at 3, she did, when she said “man I am just now getting to eat lunch, you’re so good with food and I’m not, and after all that hard work with the trainer I’ve actually gained weight”. I can guess that she meant to eat lunch at her lunch period but had errands to do at lunch and had a busy day working.

    I wasn’t really saying I should give her advice, moreso just mention calorie deficit is needed to lose weight in some way, or say I counted calories to lose weight. Obviously I already had strong reservations about saying anything, which is why I haven’t after a year of her bringing up my weight loss and how she can’t lose weight to me. I will not say anything unless she asks me explicitly about how I lost weight. I guess she just needs a listening ear and will get there if she wants to get there.

    Two observations: The italicised bit does feel like she's looking for something more from you. Possibly not, but in your position I would read that as a signal being sent. I think you're wise to temper it with the letting her actually say she wants your input.

    The bold bit is so frequently true. Losing weight can simply be about CICO and food/exercise in general, but for many it's not that straightforward. Just having a listening ear that doesn't judge, doesn't try to change things, accepts what is being said can mean so much to someone. As you say, it's her journey to take at her own pace. She's got professional support, that empowerment is vital.

    Hopefully you're not being put in an uncomfortable position of being one way she punishes herself for where she is. Not saying that's the case, but it does happen, and isn't pleasant. Congratulations on all your hard work!
  • peachvine29
    peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
    edited December 2019
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    cmriverside wrote: »
    peachvine29 wrote: »
    amy19355 wrote: »
    It's often hard to determine what kind of feedback people want. Sometimes, they want coaching - real advice; other times, they want encouragement even in the face of small successes - atta girl; and sometimes they are ready for and actually seeking an assessment of what they're doing and why it might not be working as they thought it should.

    I generally stay on the side of "the most success I've had is with counting calories, and, when I learned that calories are calories, (sweet, savory or alcoholic), it was much easier to find a lifestyle eating plan, rather than some kind of "diet". THen I tell them about MFP and send them a link if they show further interest.

    at the end, we might be able to lead the horse to the water, but if it doens't want to drink, it won't, no matter what we say.

    good luck to you, and to your coworker!

    Thank you. I think it is hard to tell what exactly she is looking for in this situation. Since she has not asked for my experience or help, and has mostly been telling me about her struggles losing weight, I can assume that she isn’t wanting help so much as to vent and be listened to about the struggles she has. I agree that you can’t help anyone, they can only help themselves when they are ready.

    I have a lot of Issues with people who constantly want to "vent." I think if you feel she does this a lot, I'd start saying brief things such as, "Yeah, weight loss is a long game," or, "yeah, sounds rough," or whatever and then I'd walk away. I don't have any patience whatsoever with people who want to vent over and over about the same things. I'd just make weight loss an off-limits topic. "You've certainly struggled a long time, haven't you?" "How 'bout those Yankees?"




    "How 'bout those Yankees?" is my version of changing the subject     :lol:

    Thank you, you made me realize how I am a little frustrated with the situation. I truly believe my coworker is an awesome woman, so kind, considerate, intelligent, and great at her work, but I do feel confused and a little annoyed with the venting that she has been doing since last summer. I don't mean to come off so harshly. I know I have not to her, I always just listen and empathize. I think I will still listen to her but then start changing the subject sooner unless she asks me for any input.
  • peachvine29
    peachvine29 Posts: 400 Member
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    katsheare wrote: »
    peachvine29 wrote: »
    I didn’t say there was anything wrong with eating lunch at 3, she did, when she said “man I am just now getting to eat lunch, you’re so good with food and I’m not, and after all that hard work with the trainer I’ve actually gained weight”. I can guess that she meant to eat lunch at her lunch period but had errands to do at lunch and had a busy day working.

    I wasn’t really saying I should give her advice, moreso just mention calorie deficit is needed to lose weight in some way, or say I counted calories to lose weight. Obviously I already had strong reservations about saying anything, which is why I haven’t after a year of her bringing up my weight loss and how she can’t lose weight to me. I will not say anything unless she asks me explicitly about how I lost weight. I guess she just needs a listening ear and will get there if she wants to get there.

    Two observations: The italicised bit does feel like she's looking for something more from you. Possibly not, but in your position I would read that as a signal being sent. I think you're wise to temper it with the letting her actually say she wants your input.

    The bold bit is so frequently true. Losing weight can simply be about CICO and food/exercise in general, but for many it's not that straightforward. Just having a listening ear that doesn't judge, doesn't try to change things, accepts what is being said can mean so much to someone. As you say, it's her journey to take at her own pace. She's got professional support, that empowerment is vital.

    Hopefully you're not being put in an uncomfortable position of being one way she punishes herself for where she is. Not saying that's the case, but it does happen, and isn't pleasant. Congratulations on all your hard work!

    Thank you, that is mainly what I was asking, does it seem she wants input or not? I think it is best to wait until she asks for it, too, though. I don't want to offend her.

    As for the bolded, I really hope not, that did not occur to me! She has been nothing but sweet to me, so I hope internally she isn't feeling upset at herself. I think she is truly beautiful inside and out and I look up to her in a lot of ways actually.
  • onward1
    onward1 Posts: 386 Member
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    I would mention that for ME, it helped to not think of it as a "diet", but more of a lifestyle change. And leave it at that. I've learned most folks don't want to hear about MFP.
  • GummiMundi
    GummiMundi Posts: 396 Member
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    kshama2001 wrote: »
    I always want to problem solve but realize the people I'm speaking to often just want to vent. So I ask them "Do you want me to problem solve or just listen to you vent?"

    I have problem solvers in my life and when I just want to vent I let them know.

    My first tendency is usually to be a problem solver too, but that has backfired so many times that I now refrain from doing it, and just try to listen and wait for an actual request for advice.
  • Whydahdad71
    Whydahdad71 Posts: 316 Member
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    If they ask
  • etherealanwar
    etherealanwar Posts: 465 Member
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    I only ever give my experience and method of losing weight when I am specifically asked. Otherwise I try not to bring it up.
  • Tallawah_
    Tallawah_ Posts: 2,470 Member
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    When asked, I share MY experience...its a minefield to go any earlier than that. I consider myself encouraging even where I suspect they could try harder, at least they are trying...but I don't tolerate constant venting coupled with inaction.
  • SnifterPug
    SnifterPug Posts: 746 Member
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    I get the impression you have got all your newfound knowledge in relation to your own weight loss and fitness efforts, as opposed to, say, a college course. That's great and I know from personal experience how easy it is to fall into the trap of getting evangelical about it. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and what works for you may work only for you. Even if I were qualified in this field I would not offer advice unless specifically engaged for the purpose.
  • tony56pr
    tony56pr Posts: 141 Member
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    Too many "askholes" out there lol. I dont tell people anything. Even when they ask, I'm just like "eat less than you burn". I went from 295+ to 162.2 pounds in ~13 months. (Got back up to ~276 in March of this year and now I'm around 242) I'm not perfect, but I've learned a lot over these almost 5 1/2 years. (5 years and 4 months)
  • cupcakesandproteinshakes
    cupcakesandproteinshakes Posts: 1,092 Member
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    I didn’t read all the posts. Simply: ask her if she wants advice or just an ear.

  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
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    Just ask 'how can I help'?
    You've learned all you learned through your own path which, to me, is a highly individual and unique plan. She needs to find her way also. I remember one of those times I got to my goal weight(there's been a few :/), feeling all high and mighty that I'd done it. My overweight friend commented on how she needed to do it too. I told her and said 'if I can do it, YOU can do it'. Well, a year later I was right back to where I started. :( So the one thing I learned is it's easier said than done.
    Yes, it basically boils down to CICO BUT how we all get there is different for everyone.
  • Lobsterboxtops
    Lobsterboxtops Posts: 92 Member
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    I’m probably one of those annoying people...because if I’m asked if I lost weight...how’d I do it...what’s my secret I generally answer with something like “yeah, you know that stupid advice about moving more and eating eating less...turns out they were right”. I usually get a laugh.

    On a more serious note, I follow a hobby forum and there is a very vocal majority of overweight/obese women who seem to perpetuate a lot of the the typical misinformation and unhealthy attitudes about obesity. It’s sad and infuriating all at the same time. I want to chime in and correct and/or provide the CICO information, but I don’t. It wouldn’t be wanted or appreciated nor would it be helpful, so I never do.

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