My sister is obese

HilTri

I have a question...my sister is obese but I NEVER see her eating. Since she gained the weight, does that cause her metabolisim to slow a way down? She says she wants to lose weight but she is not at the point where she is ready to do anything about it. I make myself available to her when she is ready. Is there anything I can do? I love her and I don’t want her to get sick or have heart problems because of this.

snowflake954

If your sister is obese she may have a medical problem, for example thyroid, and should be checked out by a doctor. If she's OK, then it's just calories. Because you don't see her eating, it doesn't mean she doesn't when nobody is looking. As for future health problems, there's not much you can do. A person doesn't decide to cut calories because someone else wants it. She has to want it herself. It's so hard to watch someone you care about destroy themselves. Just love her and always be there if she needs support.

sijomial

Metabolism goes up when you gain weight, more tissue of all types takes energy to function - have a play with a BMR calculator. That you don't see her eat may be deliberate on her part, I didn't see my sister drink (but I saw a lot of empty bottles).

Energy levels and motivation may well go down though. It's tough when a sibling doesn't care enough to improve their health. My sister died early, morbidly obese and smoking heavily despite COPD - really taught me that you can't give someone motivation, just support and encouragement. Motivation has to come from within.

Yes you can express concern and offer to help but the person has to want to change.

tinkerbellang83

Just because you don't see her eating doesn't mean she's not, unless you're with someone 24/7 you can't know their eating & activity habits, it is more likely she just eats more when others aren't around. This is particularly common when people feel ashamed/guilty about their eating habits.

Honestly, until she is ready to tackle her weight herself, there's nothing that you can do except support her if and when she does decide to tackle it and trying to bring it up before someone is ready can be really detrimental to both them and your relationship with them.

Gaining weight doesn't automatically lead to sickness/heart problems but perhaps you could suggest to do some active hobbies or something together, like walking/gardening/etc.

DrSong

I would echo the potential for a thyroid problem - doctors are always good to check things out but thyroid is statistically unlikely. Which is actually good - thyroid problems are less easily fixed and more of a major medical problem than they sound.

I've been everywhere from 70kg (I'm tall - that's normal) to 160kg and unfortunately, I can tell you that the likely reason is that she's eating, just not in front of people.

At my largest, I would have people wonder how I was so large yet never ate too. Fact was, I DID eat, I just didn't want to be seen eating and judged, especially what I preferred to eat - lots and lots of crap, sitting on my couch. Realistically I suspect it's a rare person who actually judges a fat person eating in public (I doubt anyone cares that much) but the worry is there. I'm a lot smaller now than I was at my largest, lots more confident and I'll still only visit a restaurant/someone's home and comfortably eat food with two specific wonderful people.

There's not a lot you can do unfortunately EXCEPT for one thing I can definitely think of. Don't do it 'so you can lose weight' just do it...If she doesn't know how to cook and you do and you're nearby enough to do it, get in and teach her. Stick to what she likes and build from there even if it's toasted sandwiches hold the cheese. An obese person can often tell you the exact calorie content of a vegetable, may buy it, put it in the fridge (where it will probably rot) and even reeeeeally want to eat it but sometimes we just have no idea how to make it taste good. Make it a weekly fun catch-up. If you try this, I dearly hope for you that it catches on!

All disclaimers apply, all opinions my own and I hope I haven't offended anyone with some of my generalisations but I hope it helps! You're a good egg to worry about it

HilTri

Thanks for all of your comments. It is so very hard to watch. I am always asking if she wants to go for a walk, if fact, we started a weekly walking time but she bagged after the first week. She and I both are hypothyroid and are followed by endocrinology. It is just sad to me. Her daughter is obese too and her LDL is off the charts. I want to help them both.

DancingMoosie

I used to be heavy, not obese, but overweight. My sister has always been very thin, sometimes too thin. She would drive me crazy checking food labels, taking forever to decide what to buy, going for runs early in the morning. If she had tried helping me, I think I would have felt overwhelmed and kind of pitifully out of shape next to her. I had to do it for myself. And even after I started running and losing weight, I tried running with her and couldn't keep up. It was very frustrating to me and she didn't even notice me struggling to keep up and catch my breath. I can do it now. I had to work on myself. Give her time and space and positive reinforcement, but leave it up to her.

NovusDies

When she is ready she will have to find her own path and it will likely not involve you much at all. She will have to figure how how to modify her life from her particular starting place. Ideally this will involve many small changes that happen over time. If that is you in your profile picture she will need to avoid using you as an example at least for now.

Many people ask me for advice. When I give it I stick to the mechanics of weight loss because the specifics of how I have chosen to lose weight are only really right for me. My way has the potential of being correct for someone else but it will not be correct for the general public. It is not even the right way for my wife.

One of the attributable causes to my many weight loss failures was using lean weight people as an example of how to proceed. This is something I now call "jumping to the end." I finally learned that I cannot get ahead of myself. I have to change over time and while I may end up acting in a similar way to people who maintain a healthy weight at some point that is not where I start.

I should also point out that I absolutely hated anyone trying to intervene in my life. My weight was my business and unless I asked for help I never wanted advice. Even being asked to go for walks might have been seen as judgmental or nagging. It would make me feel like my weight was overshadowing me as a person with many other qualities.

NovusDies

I should clarify that I am not accusing you of being judgmental or nagging. She may not think you are either. However, even if that is not your intention it is possible a person will perceive it that way.

liftingbro

A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.

Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.

janejellyroll

I've had a couple seriously obese friends. As our friendships deepened, one thing I learned was the extent to which they hid their eating because they were embarrassed or self-conscious about it. One friend told me that he was eating an estimated half or more of his calories late at night when nobody else was around. I'm not saying that all obese people eat in secret, but I know from my friends and the personal accounts of others that it isn't uncommon.

Even when I was just overweight, I often hid how much I was eating of certain foods (because I knew the amount that I was eating wasn't "normal"). I don't think you can understand someone's weight just because of what you see them eating. Nobody in my life knew that I would stop for donuts and eat three or four in the parking lot, but I was doing it just the same.

psychod787

liftingbro wrote: »

A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.

Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.

I was going to say that... I've never seen a duck billed platypus, but that does not mean they dont exist.

apullum

In my experience, the more you try to encourage someone else to lose weight, the less they will want to lose weight. That encouragement, even if it's well intended, often comes across as being pushy or judgmental. You may wind up damaging your relationship with her if you talk about weight loss when she doesn't want to hear it.

Most likely your sister does eat, and if her weight isn't going down, then she's eating at maintenance or in a surplus. However, talking about her weight might make her uncomfortable with eating around you. She may worry that you're judging her for what she's eating or not eating.

Like virtually all obese people, I knew I was obese; I did not need to be told that, and I resented being told. Eventually I came to the conclusion to lose weight, not because of someone pushing me to do so, but because I was finally in a mental state to do it: I was scared by the effects of obesity on my relatives and myself, I was no longer coping with depression/anxiety, I was in a good place career-wise that inspired me to make personal changes. That combination of factors is certainly not what everyone needs, but it's what I needed, and no one's comments could have created that situation for me.

Seeing your success might help inspire your sister to lose weight, or it might not. I think the best thing you can do is not bring up her weight, be a positive person in her life, and hope she makes healthy choices.

liftingbro

psychod787 wrote: »

liftingbro wrote: »

A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.

Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.

I was going to say that... I've never seen a duck billed platypus, but that does not mean they dont exist.

Basic science says that it's impossible not to lose weight if you eat fewer calories than you burn. So there are zero people that won't lose weight in a deficit. Hormonal issues just makes it that your maintenance level is lower than normal.

psychod787

liftingbro wrote: »

psychod787 wrote: »

liftingbro wrote: »

A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.

Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.

I was going to say that... I've never seen a duck billed platypus, but that does not mean they dont exist.

Basic science says that it's impossible not to lose weight if you eat fewer calories than you burn. So there are zero people that won't lose weight in a deficit. Hormonal issues just makes it that your maintenance level is lower than normal.

I agree... A good example is my father was an alcoholic, but I never saw him drink. Alcohol eventually killed him.

HilTri

Great news! My sister told me out of the blue, that she joined WW! So she knows there is a problem! I promise I didn’t prod her or say a thing. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her for several days and when I finally did, she shared this news with me! Thanks for all your info,

julebrus2020

If she's actually worried she should go see her doctor.

Other than that look up the UK show Secret Eaters on yutube. Because most likely she is eating way more than the both of you think she is.

snowflake954

HilTri wrote: »

Great news! My sister told me out of the blue, that she joined WW! So she knows there is a problem! I promise I didn’t prod her or say a thing. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her for several days and when I finally did, she shared this news with me! Thanks for all your info,

So happy for you both! I got a lot of disagrees on my post when I said she's destroying her life, but there's background to that. My niece is obese and this started when she was small. I returned with my kids to the States to visit every two years and she was getting bigger and bigger...... I never said anything to my sister-in-law because I didn't think it was my place. My niece attempted suicide, suffered from depression, had weight loss surgery, gained it all back, has had several mental breakdowns, and now has a 10 year old daughter who is obese and very anxious. I live with guilt thinking--maybe if I had spoken up 30 years ago things might have gone differently. I still think it's the parents responsibility, but now they're dealing with her mental problems + the grandchildren and their problems. I sincerely hope this works out well for your sister and your family. Best.

cherrylou123

HilTri wrote: »

I have a question...my sister is obese but I NEVER see her eating. Since she gained the weight, does that cause her metabolisim to slow a way down? She says she wants to lose weight but she is not at the point where she is ready to do anything about it. I make myself available to her when she is ready. Is there anything I can do? I love her and I don’t want her to get sick or have heart problems because of this.

metabolism will slow down too if you aren't eating enough, if you aren't exercising and if you aren't having enough sleep .. better to eat when you are hungry but make wise food choices.. Eat more on real foods, lessen the unhealthy ones, drink lots of water, have enough sleep and exercise

i was obese before too but now just underweight by 5 kilo. I tried dieting but I didn't lose any until a friend helped me.. he made me realize the importance of a healthy lifestyle

AlexandraFindsHerself1971

She ought to also get checked for fibromyalgia by a rheumatologist. There isn't a cure for it, but knowing that that was what was behind my fatigue and exercise intolerance and mental fog helped a lot. Otherwise one just blames it on one's own stupid brain, and of course that sort of self-talk is never helpful.

If she has exercise intolerance, just a random walk is something that she will have trouble with, because her body views that walk the way your body would view you getting up one day and running a marathon. It's not under her control. It's possible to push back against it, but it's a slow process of making a given amount of movement part of your daily life, and then slowly, slowly, increasing that.