My sister is obese
HilTri
Posts: 378 Member
I have a question...my sister is obese but I NEVER see her eating. Since she gained the weight, does that cause her metabolisim to slow a way down? She says she wants to lose weight but she is not at the point where she is ready to do anything about it. I make myself available to her when she is ready. Is there anything I can do? I love her and I don’t want her to get sick or have heart problems because of this.
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If your sister is obese she may have a medical problem, for example thyroid, and should be checked out by a doctor. If she's OK, then it's just calories. Because you don't see her eating, it doesn't mean she doesn't when nobody is looking. As for future health problems, there's not much you can do. A person doesn't decide to cut calories because someone else wants it. She has to want it herself. It's so hard to watch someone you care about destroy themselves. Just love her and always be there if she needs support.16
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Metabolism goes up when you gain weight, more tissue of all types takes energy to function - have a play with a BMR calculator. That you don't see her eat may be deliberate on her part, I didn't see my sister drink (but I saw a lot of empty bottles).
Energy levels and motivation may well go down though. It's tough when a sibling doesn't care enough to improve their health. My sister died early, morbidly obese and smoking heavily despite COPD - really taught me that you can't give someone motivation, just support and encouragement. Motivation has to come from within.
Yes you can express concern and offer to help but the person has to want to change.25 -
Just because you don't see her eating doesn't mean she's not, unless you're with someone 24/7 you can't know their eating & activity habits, it is more likely she just eats more when others aren't around. This is particularly common when people feel ashamed/guilty about their eating habits.
Honestly, until she is ready to tackle her weight herself, there's nothing that you can do except support her if and when she does decide to tackle it and trying to bring it up before someone is ready can be really detrimental to both them and your relationship with them.
Gaining weight doesn't automatically lead to sickness/heart problems but perhaps you could suggest to do some active hobbies or something together, like walking/gardening/etc.
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I would echo the potential for a thyroid problem - doctors are always good to check things out but thyroid is statistically unlikely. Which is actually good - thyroid problems are less easily fixed and more of a major medical problem than they sound.
I've been everywhere from 70kg (I'm tall - that's normal) to 160kg and unfortunately, I can tell you that the likely reason is that she's eating, just not in front of people.
At my largest, I would have people wonder how I was so large yet never ate too. Fact was, I DID eat, I just didn't want to be seen eating and judged, especially what I preferred to eat - lots and lots of crap, sitting on my couch. Realistically I suspect it's a rare person who actually judges a fat person eating in public (I doubt anyone cares that much) but the worry is there. I'm a lot smaller now than I was at my largest, lots more confident and I'll still only visit a restaurant/someone's home and comfortably eat food with two specific wonderful people.
There's not a lot you can do unfortunately EXCEPT for one thing I can definitely think of. Don't do it 'so you can lose weight' just do it...If she doesn't know how to cook and you do and you're nearby enough to do it, get in and teach her. Stick to what she likes and build from there even if it's toasted sandwiches hold the cheese. An obese person can often tell you the exact calorie content of a vegetable, may buy it, put it in the fridge (where it will probably rot) and even reeeeeally want to eat it but sometimes we just have no idea how to make it taste good. Make it a weekly fun catch-up. If you try this, I dearly hope for you that it catches on!
All disclaimers apply, all opinions my own and I hope I haven't offended anyone with some of my generalisations but I hope it helps! You're a good egg to worry about it15 -
Thanks for all of your comments. It is so very hard to watch. I am always asking if she wants to go for a walk, if fact, we started a weekly walking time but she bagged after the first week. She and I both are hypothyroid and are followed by endocrinology. It is just sad to me. Her daughter is obese too and her LDL is off the charts. I want to help them both.14
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I used to be heavy, not obese, but overweight. My sister has always been very thin, sometimes too thin. She would drive me crazy checking food labels, taking forever to decide what to buy, going for runs early in the morning. If she had tried helping me, I think I would have felt overwhelmed and kind of pitifully out of shape next to her. I had to do it for myself. And even after I started running and losing weight, I tried running with her and couldn't keep up. It was very frustrating to me and she didn't even notice me struggling to keep up and catch my breath. I can do it now. I had to work on myself. Give her time and space and positive reinforcement, but leave it up to her.23
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When she is ready she will have to find her own path and it will likely not involve you much at all. She will have to figure how how to modify her life from her particular starting place. Ideally this will involve many small changes that happen over time. If that is you in your profile picture she will need to avoid using you as an example at least for now.
Many people ask me for advice. When I give it I stick to the mechanics of weight loss because the specifics of how I have chosen to lose weight are only really right for me. My way has the potential of being correct for someone else but it will not be correct for the general public. It is not even the right way for my wife.
One of the attributable causes to my many weight loss failures was using lean weight people as an example of how to proceed. This is something I now call "jumping to the end." I finally learned that I cannot get ahead of myself. I have to change over time and while I may end up acting in a similar way to people who maintain a healthy weight at some point that is not where I start.
I should also point out that I absolutely hated anyone trying to intervene in my life. My weight was my business and unless I asked for help I never wanted advice. Even being asked to go for walks might have been seen as judgmental or nagging. It would make me feel like my weight was overshadowing me as a person with many other qualities.21 -
I should clarify that I am not accusing you of being judgmental or nagging. She may not think you are either. However, even if that is not your intention it is possible a person will perceive it that way.8
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A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.
Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.11 -
I've had a couple seriously obese friends. As our friendships deepened, one thing I learned was the extent to which they hid their eating because they were embarrassed or self-conscious about it. One friend told me that he was eating an estimated half or more of his calories late at night when nobody else was around. I'm not saying that all obese people eat in secret, but I know from my friends and the personal accounts of others that it isn't uncommon.
Even when I was just overweight, I often hid how much I was eating of certain foods (because I knew the amount that I was eating wasn't "normal"). I don't think you can understand someone's weight just because of what you see them eating. Nobody in my life knew that I would stop for donuts and eat three or four in the parking lot, but I was doing it just the same.14 -
liftingbro wrote: »A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.
Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.
I was going to say that... I've never seen a duck billed platypus, but that does not mean they dont exist.6 -
In my experience, the more you try to encourage someone else to lose weight, the less they will want to lose weight. That encouragement, even if it's well intended, often comes across as being pushy or judgmental. You may wind up damaging your relationship with her if you talk about weight loss when she doesn't want to hear it.
Most likely your sister does eat, and if her weight isn't going down, then she's eating at maintenance or in a surplus. However, talking about her weight might make her uncomfortable with eating around you. She may worry that you're judging her for what she's eating or not eating.
Like virtually all obese people, I knew I was obese; I did not need to be told that, and I resented being told. Eventually I came to the conclusion to lose weight, not because of someone pushing me to do so, but because I was finally in a mental state to do it: I was scared by the effects of obesity on my relatives and myself, I was no longer coping with depression/anxiety, I was in a good place career-wise that inspired me to make personal changes. That combination of factors is certainly not what everyone needs, but it's what I needed, and no one's comments could have created that situation for me.
Seeing your success might help inspire your sister to lose weight, or it might not. I think the best thing you can do is not bring up her weight, be a positive person in her life, and hope she makes healthy choices.9 -
psychod787 wrote: »liftingbro wrote: »A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.
Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.
I was going to say that... I've never seen a duck billed platypus, but that does not mean they dont exist.
Basic science says that it's impossible not to lose weight if you eat fewer calories than you burn. So there are zero people that won't lose weight in a deficit. Hormonal issues just makes it that your maintenance level is lower than normal.
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liftingbro wrote: »psychod787 wrote: »liftingbro wrote: »A lot of people that are obese hide their eating because they're embarrassed about it. Very few people have hormonal issues to the extent that they can't lose weight, in fact there are zero people that fit that description.
Having severe hormonal issues (particularly women) like in PCOS can certainly slow weight loss and be discouraging but it doesn't prevent anyone from losing weight.
I was going to say that... I've never seen a duck billed platypus, but that does not mean they dont exist.
Basic science says that it's impossible not to lose weight if you eat fewer calories than you burn. So there are zero people that won't lose weight in a deficit. Hormonal issues just makes it that your maintenance level is lower than normal.
I agree... A good example is my father was an alcoholic, but I never saw him drink. Alcohol eventually killed him.13 -
Great news! My sister told me out of the blue, that she joined WW! So she knows there is a problem! I promise I didn’t prod her or say a thing. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her for several days and when I finally did, she shared this news with me! Thanks for all your info,17
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If she's actually worried she should go see her doctor.
Other than that look up the UK show Secret Eaters on yutube. Because most likely she is eating way more than the both of you think she is.2 -
Great news! My sister told me out of the blue, that she joined WW! So she knows there is a problem! I promise I didn’t prod her or say a thing. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her for several days and when I finally did, she shared this news with me! Thanks for all your info,
So happy for you both! I got a lot of disagrees on my post when I said she's destroying her life, but there's background to that. My niece is obese and this started when she was small. I returned with my kids to the States to visit every two years and she was getting bigger and bigger...... I never said anything to my sister-in-law because I didn't think it was my place. My niece attempted suicide, suffered from depression, had weight loss surgery, gained it all back, has had several mental breakdowns, and now has a 10 year old daughter who is obese and very anxious. I live with guilt thinking--maybe if I had spoken up 30 years ago things might have gone differently. I still think it's the parents responsibility, but now they're dealing with her mental problems + the grandchildren and their problems. I sincerely hope this works out well for your sister and your family. Best.12 -
I have a question...my sister is obese but I NEVER see her eating. Since she gained the weight, does that cause her metabolisim to slow a way down? She says she wants to lose weight but she is not at the point where she is ready to do anything about it. I make myself available to her when she is ready. Is there anything I can do? I love her and I don’t want her to get sick or have heart problems because of this.
metabolism will slow down too if you aren't eating enough, if you aren't exercising and if you aren't having enough sleep .. better to eat when you are hungry but make wise food choices.. Eat more on real foods, lessen the unhealthy ones, drink lots of water, have enough sleep and exercise
i was obese before too but now just underweight by 5 kilo. I tried dieting but I didn't lose any until a friend helped me.. he made me realize the importance of a healthy lifestyle1 -
She ought to also get checked for fibromyalgia by a rheumatologist. There isn't a cure for it, but knowing that that was what was behind my fatigue and exercise intolerance and mental fog helped a lot. Otherwise one just blames it on one's own stupid brain, and of course that sort of self-talk is never helpful.
If she has exercise intolerance, just a random walk is something that she will have trouble with, because her body views that walk the way your body would view you getting up one day and running a marathon. It's not under her control. It's possible to push back against it, but it's a slow process of making a given amount of movement part of your daily life, and then slowly, slowly, increasing that.3 -
Based on my own experience and (previous) behaviours the fact that you don't see her eat is probably a really bad sign.
When I was at my heaviest I would for the most part *NEVER* eat in front of people if I could avoid it. If I was out to dinner with family or friends and couldn't manufacture an excuse to not eat, I'd make an effort to eat as little as possible. All my eating was done away from the eyes of onlookers. I think I was afraid that being seen to be eating at all while severely overweight was something I would be judged for.
It seems completely messed up now, but I was ashamed to eat at all in front of people I knew but I was also ashamed to let complete strangers know how much I was eating. To the point where I'd put on stupid little charades for people to try to hide the fact that I was eating so much food. I'd do things like pretend I was ordering for 2 or 3 people and have to "try and remember" what each person wanted, or I'd order extra drinks with my food to make it seem like the food was for more than just me.
At my worst I'd also do things like having local stores on rotation so that I wasn't buying all the food from the same place every time and I could make multiple stops so I wasn't getting my whole food haul from one store. A few times I bought streamers and plastic bowls and other 'party' items to make it seem like the enormous amount of sweets, chips and junk food I was buying was for a party and not just me. Looking back I really don't think anyone noticed or even cared but at the time I was convinced they did.
Things are very different now. I'll happily eat openly and without the trepidation and guilt I previously felt.30 -
Thanks for all of your comments. It is so very hard to watch. I am always asking if she wants to go for a walk, if fact, we started a weekly walking time but she bagged after the first week. She and I both are hypothyroid and are followed by endocrinology. It is just sad to me. Her daughter is obese too and her LDL is off the charts. I want to help them both.
Maybe just leave her alone for a while? Knowing you're overweight and being hassled for it (even if it comes from a loving place) just makes you feel worse. I wouldn't be surprised if she was eating in private to avoid judgement.
Just say nothing and stop asking her if she wants a walk - she's not a pet. Wait until she asks.6 -
Great news! My sister told me out of the blue, that she joined WW! So she knows there is a problem! I promise I didn’t prod her or say a thing. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her for several days and when I finally did, she shared this news with me! Thanks for all your info,
I don't know if I have much to add, but as someone in your sister's shoes, I'd agree that she has to find the desire to change within herself. And I absolutely never want anyone to tell me how to eat or how to diet, and I don't need anyone to tell me I'm obese and need to change. But that doesn't mean I won't accept some level of support from people. I joined WW because a friend invited me to join with her. I first joined a gym because a friend found a deal and invited me to join with her. I've had people invite me to go for walks, and I've been very grateful because it gets me moving. Those are all supportive things that I did not find offensive, and as I think about it, it seems like the reason they weren't offensive is because of the motivation behind them. In those cases, it always felt like I was being invited alongside on someone else's health journey. I wasn't their focus.
I guess what I'd say is to watch what your motivation is. Say you invite your sister to go for a walk. If your motivation is just to get her walking, it may not come across as supportive. But if your motivation is "I want to go walk and I want my sister's company", that's not offensive.
Of course, all of this is subjective - this is what would work for ME, but everyone will have a different level at which they are okay with things, and people tend to read into things, so your sister might react totally different from me.3 -
Congrats to your sister! WW is a good program to learn the foundations of healthy eating; I started on it about a year ago and despite having tried tracking calories for years and years, I'd never had success but very quickly started seeing changes in my body, mood, appetite, and energy levels after I started WW. I'm still a member although I don't track my points, mainly just calories, because I love the community on the app, I like the accountability of a weekly weigh-in, and I can easily find how to adjust recipes to increase protein.
As far as never seeing your sister eat, it's possible that that's on purpose. Many people who are overweight hide their eating from others out of fear or shame. I would NEVER binge in front of my parents because of how awful they were about my weight when I was young; that doesn't mean I never did it, but I hid it. For years and years when I wasn't in school or working (I'm a teacher so I have summers off), I would routinely sneak out to buy a bottle of wine, chips, ice cream, whatever I could get my hands on, and then go toss it in the dumpster when I was done so nobody would know. I even did this when my husband and I got our first place before we got married! I'm not saying this is what your sister does, but it's possible.1 -
I've struggled with my weight my whole life and no one could ever figure out why... Turns out, I'm allergic to a lot of foods (all nightshade plants, their relatives called Solanine, & foods containing nickel). My obesity was caused by decades of chronic inflammation, moving less since I was less-able to do so, and bouts of depression because of my weight and it seeming to be an unsolvable mystery.
Remember too though, weightloss is a personal journey! You can wish the world for someone, but if they don't want it or care, it's never going to happen.1 -
Based on my own experience and (previous) behaviours the fact that you don't see her eat is probably a really bad sign.
When I was at my heaviest I would for the most part *NEVER* eat in front of people if I could avoid it. If I was out to dinner with family or friends and couldn't manufacture an excuse to not eat, I'd make an effort to eat as little as possible. All my eating was done away from the eyes of onlookers. I think I was afraid that being seen to be eating at all while severely overweight was something I would be judged for.
It seems completely messed up now, but I was ashamed to eat at all in front of people I knew but I was also ashamed to let complete strangers know how much I was eating. To the point where I'd put on stupid little charades for people to try to hide the fact that I was eating so much food. I'd do things like pretend I was ordering for 2 or 3 people and have to "try and remember" what each person wanted, or I'd order extra drinks with my food to make it seem like the food was for more than just me.
At my worst I'd also do things like having local stores on rotation so that I wasn't buying all the food from the same place every time and I could make multiple stops so I wasn't getting my whole food haul from one store. A few times I bought streamers and plastic bowls and other 'party' items to make it seem like the enormous amount of sweets, chips and junk food I was buying was for a party and not just me. Looking back I really don't think anyone noticed or even cared but at the time I was convinced they did.
Things are very different now. I'll happily eat openly and without the trepidation and guilt I previously felt.
Thank you for sharing. This is an amazingly insightful post that no doubt many here will relate to0 -
Based on my own experience and (previous) behaviours the fact that you don't see her eat is probably a really bad sign.
When I was at my heaviest I would for the most part *NEVER* eat in front of people if I could avoid it. If I was out to dinner with family or friends and couldn't manufacture an excuse to not eat, I'd make an effort to eat as little as possible. All my eating was done away from the eyes of onlookers. I think I was afraid that being seen to be eating at all while severely overweight was something I would be judged for.
It seems completely messed up now, but I was ashamed to eat at all in front of people I knew but I was also ashamed to let complete strangers know how much I was eating. To the point where I'd put on stupid little charades for people to try to hide the fact that I was eating so much food. I'd do things like pretend I was ordering for 2 or 3 people and have to "try and remember" what each person wanted, or I'd order extra drinks with my food to make it seem like the food was for more than just me.
At my worst I'd also do things like having local stores on rotation so that I wasn't buying all the food from the same place every time and I could make multiple stops so I wasn't getting my whole food haul from one store. A few times I bought streamers and plastic bowls and other 'party' items to make it seem like the enormous amount of sweets, chips and junk food I was buying was for a party and not just me. Looking back I really don't think anyone noticed or even cared but at the time I was convinced they did.
Things are very different now. I'll happily eat openly and without the trepidation and guilt I previously felt.
Thank you for sharing. This is an amazingly insightful post that no doubt many here will relate to
I actually wanted to ping @Danp and admit that he brought back memories.
In fact on reading his post and before thinking further back to my heaviest times and family packs from the pizza store or dinner for two (or four) from the Chinese take out I snorted, because one of the first "I am eating healthy to lose weight" options I went with before discovering MFP was subway salads. And of course there I was ordering two of them for different people!!!!! 😹2 -
In my experience, the more you try to encourage someone else to lose weight, the less they will want to lose weight. That encouragement, even if it's well intended, often comes across as being pushy or judgmental. You may wind up damaging your relationship with her if you talk about weight loss when she doesn't want to hear it.
Most likely your sister does eat, and if her weight isn't going down, then she's eating at maintenance or in a surplus. However, talking about her weight might make her uncomfortable with eating around you. She may worry that you're judging her for what she's eating or not eating.
Like virtually all obese people, I knew I was obese; I did not need to be told that, and I resented being told. Eventually I came to the conclusion to lose weight, not because of someone pushing me to do so, but because I was finally in a mental state to do it: I was scared by the effects of obesity on my relatives and myself, I was no longer coping with depression/anxiety, I was in a good place career-wise that inspired me to make personal changes. That combination of factors is certainly not what everyone needs, but it's what I needed, and no one's comments could have created that situation for me.
Seeing your success might help inspire your sister to lose weight, or it might not. I think the best thing you can do is not bring up her weight, be a positive person in her life, and hope she makes healthy choices.
Science backs this up. People that are overweight or obese do know it. Telling them doesn't change anything, except exacerbates the mental load that is likely helping to contribute to it, making things worse, not better.
Even anecdotally this bears out. How many people that have lost a lot of weight go "well it's because my sister told me I was fat. I can't believe I didn't notice it before! As soon as she said it, I realized I wanted to lose weight"? Instead, the stories involve a lot more personal moments, people getting into therapy, etc .1 -
Some people are closet eaters. My aunt was this way I never saw her eat but she was obese. I used to eat in secret sometimes too.0
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virginiajharris wrote: »
Science backs this up. People that are overweight or obese do know it. Telling them doesn't change anything, except exacerbates the mental load that is likely helping to contribute to it, making things worse, not better.
Even anecdotally this bears out. How many people that have lost a lot of weight go "well it's because my sister told me I was fat. I can't believe I didn't notice it before! As soon as she said it, I realized I wanted to lose weight"? Instead, the stories involve a lot more personal moments, people getting into therapy, etc .
I know in my own experience (and I'm still obese after losing 100 lbs), I absolutely knew I was obese, was definitely ashamed of it, and was very introverted and shy. Looking back I can see how I came to that - my parents had grown up on farms and they were used to farm cooking but also the exercise that came with farm living that needed those calories; living in a small town with a much more sedentary lifestyle was worlds different, but my mom continued to cook that way. I grew up with a completely skewed concept of portion sizes and all those hidden calories that get added to dishes when one is not paying attention to measurements or such. My grandmother was a lifelong member of WW then Tops and you'd think she'd have learned something about cooking lighter, but she would extremely fix calorie laden dinners too. Ironically, she was the one who was constantly harping on our weight in a very judgmental way; it got to the point that my siblings and I dreaded seeing her because we knew the conversation would turn to weight and she'd make a comment. And she's still like that today!
I did resent being told by my grandmother, by my doctor, by anyone. I knew I needed to lose weight, and nagging at me about it just built up shame and guilt and hopelessness. I hated seeing the doctor as a teen because she'd bring it up every time. I tried all sorts of things over the years, and I can't tell you why this time around, my attempt at calorie counting worked, but I had to come to the place where I wanted it bad enough to start gaining traction in that war of willpower with gratification now or delayed and how to quit letting myself sweet-talk myself into making wrong choices when it came to food.
I now have a doctor who has never once preached at me to lose weight and treated me seriously and with respect even when I was very obese, and she has been a wonderful cheerleader and supporter in what I have lost - its amazing how much of a difference her support and understanding makes!
That all said, I can greatly sympathize with the OP. Even when I was obese, I didn't have any health problems - my blood pressure and sugar levels were normal, my cholesterol was fine, I didn't have breathing problems and did pretty much what I wanted when I wanted when it came to activity. But I was level 3 obese and knowing that heart disease and diabetes runs in the family was always in the back of my mind and may well have been a factor in me finally gaining some success in getting my weight down. My brother wast he same way, though he chose to have WLS as his means of getting the excess weight off. He and I were built to be big, I suppose, as we are both tall, wide-set, and heavy-boned (though of course not meant to be as big as we were!) We carry our weight mostly on our thighs and hips, which also helped us on the health front - no one would believe us when we told them we were as heavy as we were.
My sister, however, takes after the other side of the family, unfortunately. She is very short and carries every bit of her excess weight around her middle. She's got a BMI over 50 and she had most of the factors to qualify her for metabolic syndrome - she's diabetic, on 2 different blood pressure medications, has cholesterol problems, is constantly in pain in her feet and knees, and gets winded just crossing the parking lot - and she's only 38! But she has no intentions of losing weight. She knows she needs to, but she's not willing to put in the work and make the sacrifices that have to happen to succeed. She wants an easy fix and will try any fad that doesn't require her to moderate her food or exercise. Even after recently having a scare with her heart, she is still not willing to change her lifestyle or way of eating. She's happy popping medication to control her blood pressure and diabetes, and thinks that being on medication gives her the license to eat whatever she wants in whatever portions she wants. She refuses to believe that her body weight is a major factor in all her health problems and wants to blame genetics or anything else.
Its saddening for me, but I can't control her and I know nagging at her won't help. All I can do is continue to work at losing it myself and hope that she will come to her Aha moment one day before she completely wrecks her health or dies young.9
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