Unable to start a relationship

chris_in_cal
chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hello,

I've not posted anything like this on MFP before, and very well may regret posting this. Why not, I've been cooped up for a couple of weeks, and nearly come to the end of surfing the internet.

I can't seem to begin a relationship. I'm a straight male, looking to socialize, date, and hopefully have a committed relationship.

Here is where I could list all of my guesses why I call myself a "dating loser," but perhaps that isn't the best idea.

Here is where I could list all of the qualities that I think I bring, but ... nah.

I don't ask women out often. Last year I virtually reconnected with a person my age. It was all phone and text. It was exciting. It ended.

Recently I connected with a person I met in person, she's ten years younger, it never took off, and she is gone.

I have about a two year streak of putting out comments and likes on OKC...ZERO connections...and only a very few number of even getting a response.

So, where do I go from here, shall I ask MFP for advice? Shall I just "keep trying hard, because there is someone out there for me." Shall I continue to ignore it and improve myself believing it will happen when I least expect it.

A couple years ago when I decided that I really wanted a relationship, I really thought that was the most important thing. I had spent so much time ambivalent on having a relationship or marriage. I thought simply walking around confidently that a relationship is what I wanted was critical, but it has not turned out to be a magic wand.

At age 56, a part of me believes that many eligible women have come to understand that starting a relationship isn't worth it, and if they are able to support themselves and be connected with Kids/grandkids/family/friends... staying single is a better option (not to generalize about all women, I wonder if the trend is in that direction)

Why do you want a relationship? What do you hope to get out of taking on a partner or spouse?
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Replies

  • MaltedTea
    MaltedTea Posts: 6,286 Member
    Is it ever regretful to be humble, vulnerable and self-aware? 🤔 If so, I can't think of the scenario.

    "Why do you want a relationship?"
    To be supportive and supported while being a benefit to a shared community. There's something about the idea of having a positive, exponential effect on a ministry that I find fetching.

    "What do you hope to get out of taking on a partner or spouse"
    I don't go into a relationship with a transaction or exchange in mind. At this point in my life, I want to grow old, in mutual good health and sheer happiness, with the love of my life. If, within a certain period of time, I can't envision being able to do that with a partner then the relationship must end. In an amicable way, of course.

    As for you, Chris, if you don't ask ladies out often, you'll often see few results 😉

    Assuming you're not a cad about it, a lady will understand if you are "courting." I would assume it helps more if you have parameters/preferences for the kind of women you want to pursue. And then if you then want to get serious and date only one person with intent, then let it be known to the others.

    Let it be known, also, that I'm not a cisgender male ( in case it's not obvious from the pp - self-isolation has been rough) so hopefully some fellas will come in here to help sort you out.
  • TarryTaffyTwo
    TarryTaffyTwo Posts: 448 Member
    Two great responses above.

    Re: ... a part of me believes that many eligible women have come to understand that starting a relationship isn't worth it, and if they are able to support themselves and be connected with Kids/grandkids/family/friends... staying single is a better option (not to generalize about all women, I wonder if the trend is in that direction)

    I'm a woman & don't pretend to know what many women want... nor should anyone, imho... but most I've met don't want to be single... perhaps the ones you've met say so as they're not considering you as a partner for themselves for any host of reasons... basically, letting you down easily by saying they're fulfilled with their families & have no time to date. If you've already decided that many think a relationship isn't worth it... a very bold, defeating statement... it seems to me you're approaching dating/women with a half-hearted attitude & many will p/u on that, so it might be chasing them away.

    What I've seen & experienced is most I've known met partners while out & about doing something they enjoyed. Rather than hanging out at a pub or trying to meet anonymous people on an online dating site or in a forum, who may represent themselves verbally & visually with varying degrees of honestly, I decided long ago that it's better for me to go out to do fun things. If I enjoy myself, the day was a success... if I happen to meet someone & there's a mutual interest, that's the bonus. And, if it doesn't happen often or at all, then I'm still doing something I enjoy.

    I've personally known no one who's had long term success with meeting others online. Basically, I'm not looking for a pen pal to email or text or a friend-by-phone. And, I don't know if I'm attracted to someone based on a pic & a paragraph. I need a face-to-face encounter to see if there's interest. I also wouldn't want to meet friends online for the same reason... there might be much in common on paper, but in-person convos aren't interesting.

    Depending on your degree of physical fitness, you can join walking/hiking/running/biking/skating/line dancing/yoga groups... many are split via age range. You already know the kinds of groups that are available... I've seen groups getting together to learn the Welsh language & have dinner once/mo... to brunchers who go to museums/plays/ballets together... to those who attend car shows & pot luck dinners.

    You can also begin one of your own... a twice/wk, 2-mi walking group, open to all from 50-60, for example. Yahoo Groups is one place you can begin a group. Craigslist is another, but that can be a dicey site. Perhaps others can give further suggestions. You could also put up a Facebook page called Dayton 50+ Walkers Club or Orlando Golfing Brunchers to market to your specific group.

    In my experience, dating isn't easy at any age... but, that's my opinion. However, with our current lockdown status, you've got plenty of time before you'll be asking a woman to lunch in a public place.

    Best of luck.

    BTW, you might consider joining the forums at city-data.com. It was originally set up as a relocation board, but it's grown exponentially & there are many forums that are general, as well as those for your city/state... many just want to chat about varying issues from grief, retirement, coupon clipping or recipes... some are age based... few but some occasionally meet up... normally in smaller areas & there've even been 1/2-dozen marriages over the past 15-yrs. In any event, check it out... you may find your niche there.
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  • OpheliaCooter
    OpheliaCooter Posts: 1,635 Member
    1sphere wrote: »
    OpheliaCooter wrote: »
    It’s hard to find love at any age even something as noncommittal as regular friendship. I say just keep trying. Keep shooting your shot and it’ll happen eventually but you have to keep trying.
    It can be tough depending on our location too.

    I feel bad for people living in the deep country like, good luck with the four people who live there.
  • Jthanmyfitnesspal
    Jthanmyfitnesspal Posts: 3,522 Member
    I'm about the same age as you, but married. So WTF do I know? I can only say that I like to be social and aspire to continue to make friends now that my kids have grown up.

    The hard part of being this age is that, not only are many people married, but most people have chosen their friends as well. Younger people are great, but they don't share all the same interests and concerns as those in the same age group. Making friends at our age is just plain hard. For some reason, it's even harder for men than women. I've read a number of articles about it.

    But, hard things can be accomplished with consistent effort. My approach has been to be part of a wide range of group activities, including run clubs, cycling clubs, book clubs, hiking clubs. Volunteer activities are going to be very important during the recovery to the current situation and I'm already thinking of how I can get involved.

    I've certainly noticed that people respond positively when you offer your time to some activity and ask nothing in return. Who can resist that?
  • GoJohnGo71
    GoJohnGo71 Posts: 439 Member
    Take the red pill, my friend.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    I suggest you open up to other dating sites and also join a few clubs or groups doing some hobby you’re interested in. But, make sure it is a hobby or interest that will have some women as well as men. Don’t join with the sole purpose of meeting a woman but it is possible that you will meet someone you connect with in that scenario. Good luck!
  • TarryTaffyTwo
    TarryTaffyTwo Posts: 448 Member
    amy19355 wrote: »
    I'm in the twice burned, third time might be the charm category of single women.

    My experience with online meeting, greeting and getting acquainted has had similar results as you describe. Promising words exchanged in emails/texts that go no where and finally die, or, one-time meetups that fail to spark a fire that endures past the dessert course.

    I agree with TarryTaffyTwo above about meeting people while actively engaged in the things you already enjoy doing.

    Here's what I've found when encountering a possible suitor online:
    a) lonely never-been-married men who have never developed a serious interest in anything and who will be jealous of my existing interests. I like who i am, and what I do in my free time; i'd like to share it, not give it up, and I'd like to discover new things from my suitor.
    b) divorced and/or separated men that cannot conceal their ill-feelings about their ex. I'd like to live in the present, not in the past. I'd like to forgive and move on, and try not to make the same mistakes again.
    c) widowed men who are lost as single men. I can't help you, but there's sure to be a sweet compatible marrying-kind out there.
    d) narcissists looking for arm-candy. I'm really really not your gal.

    My 'perfect partner' would have a life before meeting me, and would enjoy sharing meals, be able to engage in spirited and thoughtful conversation about all kinds of things, and would know how to be alone in a room with another person. They might be a creative, or simply an appreciator of the arts, but they'd definitely support arts and music. I'm a logic and reason based thinker, and don't like to have emotions drive decisions when reason should prevail.

    Every relationship I have enjoyed has been with someone I met - in person - while doing something I liked doing.

    good luck to you chris_in_cal!

    Good post. My experience has been the same.

    Good luck to all us singles!
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
    TarryTaffyTwo wrote: »
    ... it seems to me you're approaching dating/women with a half-hearted attitude & many will p/u on that, so it might be chasing them away

    I have thought this to, perhaps in a way I still do. I tried to check in with myself about two years ago, and be clear on what I want. To be more upfront.

    A loving wife, and a committed relationship.

  • MaltedTea
    MaltedTea Posts: 6,286 Member
    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    A loving wife, and a committed relationship.

    Well, awww and more awww!

    Thing is, you have to endure with the person for some period of time before you can get a good idea of whether they're:

    * genuinely loving
    * wifey material
    * ready to commit to you

    All the advice you've gotten here so far (and hopefully some more to come) will help you figure out your course of action. But, ultimately, you gotta get back out there and be willing to try a few relationships before finding Mrs. chris_in_cal
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  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
    Itsthatdood wrote: »
    Then when it comes to meeting each other face to face

    Maybe. I'm not the best example, as I've only tried OKC. But for a couple of years, changing my pic, adjusting my bio. Adding stuff, taking away stuff, answering more questions. On OKC, practically 0% of the people I've messaged or liked have ever responded. So, for me at least, it isn't being disappointed when we meet. For me there is usually nothing but crickets, let alone a conversation, or a meet up.

    Yes, a bunch of my stuff on the bio is accurate...run through a spellchecker...nothing crude...the women are for the most part in nearby proximity and of an appropriate age. As a kind of optimist, I continue to peck at it.

    A male friend of mine, about my age, tells me online dating apps are a straight waste of time for men of our demographic. That's hard to deny so far.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    I just keep an open account at FarmersOnly .com
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  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    a part of me believes that many eligible women have come to understand that starting a relationship isn't worth it, and if they are able to support themselves and be connected with Kids/grandkids/family/friends... staying single is a better option (not to generalize about all women, I wonder if the trend is in that direction)

    Not to be too much of a downer, but this is in today's Guardian news site(for the UK):

    "Overall marriage rates for heterosexual couples are at their lowest level on record, continuing a long period of decline. There has been a 45% decrease since 1972."

    https://theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/apr/14/average-age-for-heterosexual-marriage-hits-35-for-women-and-38-for-men

    https://theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/apr/14/average-age-for-heterosexual-marriage-hits-35-for-women-and-38-for-men

    If people aren't married and coupled up, I don't think it is a tragedy, it could be better for a lot of people...it is what it is.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    Itsthatdood wrote: »
    Then when it comes to meeting each other face to face

    Maybe. I'm not the best example, as I've only tried OKC. But for a couple of years, changing my pic, adjusting my bio. Adding stuff, taking away stuff, answering more questions. On OKC, practically 0% of the people I've messaged or liked have ever responded. So, for me at least, it isn't being disappointed when we meet. For me there is usually nothing but crickets, let alone a conversation, or a meet up.

    Yes, a bunch of my stuff on the bio is accurate...run through a spellchecker...nothing crude...the women are for the most part in nearby proximity and of an appropriate age. As a kind of optimist, I continue to peck at it.

    A male friend of mine, about my age, tells me online dating apps are a straight waste of time for men of our demographic. That's hard to deny so far.

    I met my man on OKCupid when he was 52 and I was 46 and we've been together for 7 years :)

    I'm glad to see you say you are looking for local women of an appropriate age but am wondering exactly what that age range is.

    You write well here, so I assume your initial messages are also well written. Can she tell from your first message that you have read her profile?
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    I met my man on OKCupid when he was 52 and I was 46 and we've been together for 7 years :)

    Beautiful, good for you.

    As for age range, I usually pick a couple years older than I am then down about ten. I have mixed it up, to try and get ANY type of a response. Right now age 58 -to- 46. Suggestions?

  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
    There have been some really insightful responses here, thanks. We all know there are not 'right' answers for this, or formulas, we all have our own idiosyncrasy, not ALL women are... and not ALL men are...

    I currently have a little too much time on my hands and am thinking about this, I guess. Be well.
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
    thereshegoesagain wrote: »
    I'm 62 years old and over the last year have tried Match, Plenty Of Fish, Zoosk and Bumble......Don't settle for less than you deserve.

    That's a thoughtful response. Which did you prefer? Match, Zoosk?

    The "settling" point is really a good mirror of our own level of self-respect. Sometimes it is hard to have that, and carry it all the way into a new relationship.

    Thanks again.
  • TarryTaffyTwo
    TarryTaffyTwo Posts: 448 Member
    Since you're successful in your career, you can transfer those top notch skills into partner-finding skills. More than likely, others could have had your promotion or the company could have hired out for your position, but you got it... it didn't happen in 1-wk... your lead up to it probably transpired over time. Putting that confidence, enthusiasm & effort into finding a partner will eventually pay off, too.

    It sounds to me as if you're mostly relying on the 'net to find someone... all eggs in 1 basket. Last article I read, only 5% of singles are online, so the pool isn't very deep. Narrow that down by a certain % being male or gay, another % being out of your dating age range... that's a very small % you're placing all your trust into for manifesting a partner.

    You can pay attention to your article on grim dating news & search for more, but why? Probably a man in HI, same age as you, recently died in a car accident... it shouldn't influence you to stop driving. I ignore articles about women my age having a better chance of being hit by lightening than ever getting married. Well, I don't hang around empty fields in thunderstorms with a key on a kite string, trying to attract lightening... but, to attract a possible partner or friends, I normally do different activities & go different places to open up my chances of meeting others.

    I feel if I believe the above weather analogy nonsense, I should give up & sit in the house, alone, forever, cuz I'm trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Interesting that I'd see the same men's profiles every year... not many new... newbies probably realized they, too, needed to find other ways to broaden their chances.

    Dating sites didn't work for me or anyone else I've ever known. There are a few stories, like the 1 in this thread, but we all know that's a rare occurrence. Instead of continuing to try other sites or waiting like a bird on a perch for a contact that excited me, I realized I needed to try other means... face-to-face ways of meeting others.

    And, if you're going to continue to rely on dating sites, Match is the largest with the most members... look it up. They often offer the 1st mo for free. There are a lot of negative articles on POF & OKC scammers. You can search for those, too, if you want the stories. The always free sites tend to attract scammers, cuz it costs nothing.
  • Hollis100
    Hollis100 Posts: 1,408 Member
    I agree with the responses that said get involved in a hobby, an activity, volunteer work -- something you genuinely care about. That's hard to do right now with the pandemic, but hopefully things will get better.

    That's how I met my wonderful late husband. Meeting someone was the absolute last thing on my mind. We became friends first, developed a deep connection that started with our shared interest, and eventually couldn't imagine living without each other. He was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

    When we got married, he was age 59 (I was 18 years younger). Neither one of us ever went on a dating site.
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,522 Member
    From age 21 to age 45 or so, I used to love to go to bars and clubs with friends. Dance, watch sports, throw darts, listen to music, drink, occasionally all of the above. It was a lot of fun. I don't do that much anymore, and I miss that important source of younger adult socializing.

    I enjoy exercising, but I'm not much of a gym person. I go to yoga studios, I run, I swim in the ocean, and when there is access I go to pools and swim.

    Yoga studios have been my go to place for meeting different people over the last 10 years. But I always tread very very lightly on socializing, because we are all sort of vulnerable, exposed, and there to find some peace and calm. There aren't a lot of creepy folks in the studios I go to, but I know it happens, and it isn't good.

    I've gone to a running meet up here in Honolulu, once, then the island shut down. Generally running is pretty solitary. Same with swimming.

    Last but not least, last year I got a bug and joined a beginner salsa dance class at a studio in San Diego, California. I paid for a four week beginner class. Oh my word I felt awkward. 25 women and 25 men and usually it was pretty balanced, if anything there were more men. I enjoyed myself and signed up for a second 4 weeks. Ultimately I stuck with it about 6 months, right up until the time I moved to Honolulu.

    With dancing, I was about the oldest, not always, but definitely a 30s vibe for most of the students. I happily saw some of the same people. Between sticking out a little and really trying to figure out how to dance, I did not make any social connections with students. I could have if I had continued on, probably.

    Prior to moving I looked up yoga studios and dance studios... No dance here yet, but I did begin my yoga practice at a new studio until everything shut down.

    A couple of years ago I decided to try and find a connection, I put myself out a little more than usual trying some new things, then bam I relocated and bam again the world shut down.

    BTW: over two years on MFP I got within 25 lbs of my goal weight last year...that felt awesome. The last two months have been a pretty sad relapse the other direction. I'm trying to catch myself and get back on track to reaching my goal. I just feel better when I'm logging my foods and make progress toward my goal weight.

    Just a handful of new challenges, right? Good luck...be well.

  • XxFunctionalStrengthxX
    XxFunctionalStrengthxX Posts: 2,466 Member
    TarryTaffyTwo wrote: »
    I've personally known no one who's had long term success with meeting others online. Basically, I'm not looking for a pen pal to email or text or a friend-by-phone. And, I don't know if I'm attracted to someone based on a pic & a paragraph. I need a face-to-face encounter to see if there's interest. I also wouldn't want to meet friends online for the same reason... there might be much in common on paper, but in-person convos aren't interesting.

    I know at least two couples who have been married a long time and still get along great who met online. But, they really are not the norm. I'm one of those who needs to be in the same area as the person when starting to date. Long distance relationships are difficult for those who have been in a relationship for a long time. But, starting out? Most times the fire goes out before they get a chance to meet. Again, there's always exceptions.

    But, I have to disagree about meeting online friends in person. I've met quite a few, and in nearly all cases it's really helped to solidify the friendship all the more. Usually if it's ended poorly it's because of reasons a normal friendship wouldn't occur such as lying, etc. I'll even go so far as to say that if I'm going somewhere for a trip, I'll think of who I might know from the general area and see if they want to meet up. Even if it's a couple of hour drive, I don't mind.


    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    Not to be too much of a downer, but this is in today's Guardian news site(for the UK):

    "Overall marriage rates for heterosexual couples are at their lowest level on record, continuing a long period of decline. There has been a 45% decrease since 1972."

    If people aren't married and coupled up, I don't think it is a tragedy, it could be better for a lot of people...it is what it is.

    Does it matter if people are married or single? Not really. The most important part is to be happy with yourself. Without that, you'll never be happy with someone else.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    *shrug


    Just get a mail-order bride.

    You know, one from some strange and exotic land.....





    like, Saskatchewan.

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