why do people like to tear others down?

mdn15
mdn15 Posts: 145
in Motivation and Support
So I have a gym partner. I'm a woman and gym partner is a guy. We are a couple years apart in age. Both of us went through a significant weight loss. We both work out hard. (6-7 x week several hours a day)

My friends and husband have suspected that he was interested. I have said I can't control his feelings.

Lately, he has been saying comments that are mean. For example, a gym instructor had said that I look leaner since she last saw me. He said no don't. You look bigger. He always saying that I'm big boned (i.e. fatter). You look like a linebacker.

I'm 5 feet and muscular (size 2-4).

I have moved on from the gym to crossfit. He always wanted to do it but has not b/c of the cost. So now he says "i don't want to hear you talk about cross fit. I don't want to do it because the people get to big. You will get to big."

He has a lean body but not attractive and does not have much going on in his life other than gym. I have my life together (husband, kids, house, financial stability, etc). I get hit on by guys. Sometimes right in front of him. Women never hit on him or notice him.

I don't get why his tearing me down.

One motto I live by is: life is short. Surround yourself with people that will lift you up. Get rid of people who don't.

So, time to let go?
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Replies

  • madtownjeremy
    madtownjeremy Posts: 249
    Sounds like there's an issue or two; body issues, issues with women perhaps, intimidation issues, self-confidence issues.

    Helluva lot of baggage for a gym partner. I say move on.
  • RozayJones
    RozayJones Posts: 409 Member
    I would say he is not happy with himself therefore he doesn't not like seeing other people happy - even if you are friends.
    If he is bringing you down and you have to question his 'friendship' he is def. not bringing any good to your life - tell him bye!
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
    What are you benefiting from this friendship?
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    people with little to no self esteem tend to try to tear others down. I'd say that is a great deal of stress and strain and it might be time to part ways.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    So you hang out with a boring, unattractive man, who has nothing going for him.

    He sounds depressed, not mean, honestly.

    He probably needs some one that will build him up, too, so your advice is solid. Split up.
  • LassoOfTruth
    LassoOfTruth Posts: 735 Member
    Daddy issues?
  • LizzieLS
    LizzieLS Posts: 3
    He sounds a rude and jealous guy with a lot of problems - move on, I say.
  • Melissa22G
    Melissa22G Posts: 847 Member
    "why do people like to tear others down?"


    To build themselves up.
  • MaryJane_8810002
    MaryJane_8810002 Posts: 2,082 Member
    Easy. This is one of those " If I'm not happy you can't be either" scenarios. If I were you it sounds like you don't need gym partner anymore.
  • AllanMisner
    AllanMisner Posts: 4,140 Member
    Why exactly is he your friend?
  • TyTy76
    TyTy76 Posts: 1,761 Member
    "why do people like to tear others down?"


    To build themselves up.

    That's why I do it..
  • Fozzi43
    Fozzi43 Posts: 2,984 Member
    No one needs people around them that brings them down..find another gym partner
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    Why do you think he is saying this to be mean? Maybe trying is just trying to be honest with you.
  • norahwynn
    norahwynn Posts: 862 Member
    Move on! There's no need to add drama when you don't need to.
  • FerretBuellerr
    FerretBuellerr Posts: 468 Member
    I do think it might be time to move on if he's making comments that you don't like. I mean, what does it really matter anyways if you keep him as a friend or not?! Probably not much if he's starting to annoy you now.

    I would like to point out 2 things:

    1. I don't think he means "big" as in "fat" but big as in "muscular" - I know myself, I don't find extremely muscular woman attractive, and perhaps this is what he was getting at.

    2. See this quote here?
    He has a lean body but not attractive

    Is that not also just as judgmental as he is being towards you? Justifying that you should drop him as a friend/work out buddy because you are doing better/are more attractive than him doesn't seem like a very nice reason, just like it's not nice of him to tell you to not ever talk about how you are enjoying crossfit because he isn't interested in it.

    ETA: I also agree with what a few others have mentioned - if you are not gaining anything out of this relationship, and it's putting stress on you, then it's probably not worth it. This guy sounds like he might need more motivation, and perhaps he wants you to stick around because he feels motivated by you - but his way of saying it is really flawed.
  • megsi474
    megsi474 Posts: 370 Member
    It sounds like he thought losing weight and getting in shape would fix whatever issues he has going on in his head and that didn't happen. Happiness is an inside job and you can get right with the reflection in the mirror all you want but that doesn't mean the heart and head are in the right place.
  • drefaw
    drefaw Posts: 739
    This guy seems like an idiot. with serious self esteem issues. Move on , and enhance your calm ....
  • downsizinghoss
    downsizinghoss Posts: 1,035 Member
    I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).

    You have a wife? That's hot.
  • DashDeV
    DashDeV Posts: 545 Member

    He has a lean body but not attractive and does not have much going on in his life other than gym. I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).
    I don't get why his tearing me down.

    You obviously think you're much better than him..perhaps he has been picking up on this vibe.
  • rgrange
    rgrange Posts: 236 Member
    You have a husband and a wife?
  • tworthen79
    tworthen79 Posts: 1,173 Member
    I get what you are saying but on the other you also tear him down(in private) but still you say un-positive things about him.
    Example:" not attractive and does not have much going on in his life". If there was a "true" friendship here, non of you would cut the other down, to their face or behind their backs. I say move on, because neither of you have respect for one another.
  • kenny7734
    kenny7734 Posts: 13
    Maybe he was interested in you. He was nice and encouraging in the beginning but once he came to the understanding that his feelings were not reciprocated, he turned into a jerk. One thing is for certain, "Women love jerks" . Deny it all you want, but its true. All men know this and we use it to our advantage. Its already working on you. You are thinking what you should do about a guy you lift weights with. Why should you care? You have already tore him down with comments i.e. not much going on in his life, not attractive. If you aren't interested, why does that matter? See, its working. Women love jerks because you think you will change his mind, his opinion, or outlook. Let me know when after a workout, you walk him to the car and ask him "What happened to us?" "Did I do something wrong?" Then BOOM, he has you. My reply will not be popular, but its honest.
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
    How about talking to your spouse about it?
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member

    He has a lean body but not attractive and does not have much going on in his life other than gym. I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).
    I don't get why his tearing me down.

    You obviously think you're much better than him..perhaps he has been picking up on this vibe.

    OP, I'm really coming down in the middle here and caught between what others have asked as to why you are still hanging around this person, and the above quote.

    Are you looking down on him and treating him poorly? Is he reacting to that?

    We can't tell from here, but it's food for thought.
  • Syriene
    Syriene Posts: 238
    If you are happy doing Crossfit, I say continue your membership there and discontinue the membership where this guy is. If these things take place in the same location, I'd change up my workout time or find a new place. You don't need someone making your workout toxic.
    If he is truly interested, his actions might be because he is upset you don't feel the same way or he sees that other guys in the gym are interested too.
  • tworthen79
    tworthen79 Posts: 1,173 Member
    Why aren't you going to the gym with your husband or a girl friend (people more supportive) and less drama(i.e he may have feelings for you)? Maybe I'm old fashion, but I wouldn't be hanging out with other men since I'm married. But I'm old school like that.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    He may not be trying to tear you down. Guys think different, they pick on each other in a competitive way. They sometimes motivate by telling somebody they "can't" do something. Women don't usually find those kind of challenges motivational.

    Has the way he talks changed? Did he used to be motivational but now he is not? Or is this just his manner all the time?

    My boyfriend often will say the opposite of what he thinks, because he doesn't want me to think I look so great that I stop trying. I know him well enough to see through and find the real compliments versus his competitive or other kind of comments.
  • dbrightwell1270
    dbrightwell1270 Posts: 1,732 Member
    The guy obviously has some problems and he is acting out. You talk about what a poor friend he is. What kind of friend are you? You are thinking about ditching him because he is bringing you down. What have you done to help him out since he's been acting out? He sounds like he neds a friend now more than ever.

    That being said, if you try to get to the core of it, you may still find out that there is nothing you can do but cut ties.
  • rgrange
    rgrange Posts: 236 Member
    I wouldn't be hanging out with other men since I'm married.

    Well, some people are mature enough to handle having friends of the opposite gender even when they're in a relationship.
  • jenifr818
    jenifr818 Posts: 805 Member
    You have a husband and a wife?

    :laugh:

    OP, he may not be trying to tear you down ... I'm picking it up as he simply doesn't want you getting muscular and doesn't know how to nicely say it. Regardless, if his fitness goals are not the same as yours, it might be time to find yourself a partner whose goals are more in line with yours. If husband is wondering if he's attracted to you, it might not be a bad idea to find yourself a female partner in order to keep peace in the house, too. Just my two cents

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