why do people like to tear others down?

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  • tworthen79
    tworthen79 Posts: 1,173 Member
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    I get what you are saying but on the other you also tear him down(in private) but still you say un-positive things about him.
    Example:" not attractive and does not have much going on in his life". If there was a "true" friendship here, non of you would cut the other down, to their face or behind their backs. I say move on, because neither of you have respect for one another.
  • kenny7734
    kenny7734 Posts: 13
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    Maybe he was interested in you. He was nice and encouraging in the beginning but once he came to the understanding that his feelings were not reciprocated, he turned into a jerk. One thing is for certain, "Women love jerks" . Deny it all you want, but its true. All men know this and we use it to our advantage. Its already working on you. You are thinking what you should do about a guy you lift weights with. Why should you care? You have already tore him down with comments i.e. not much going on in his life, not attractive. If you aren't interested, why does that matter? See, its working. Women love jerks because you think you will change his mind, his opinion, or outlook. Let me know when after a workout, you walk him to the car and ask him "What happened to us?" "Did I do something wrong?" Then BOOM, he has you. My reply will not be popular, but its honest.
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
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    How about talking to your spouse about it?
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    He has a lean body but not attractive and does not have much going on in his life other than gym. I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).
    I don't get why his tearing me down.

    You obviously think you're much better than him..perhaps he has been picking up on this vibe.

    OP, I'm really coming down in the middle here and caught between what others have asked as to why you are still hanging around this person, and the above quote.

    Are you looking down on him and treating him poorly? Is he reacting to that?

    We can't tell from here, but it's food for thought.
  • Syriene
    Syriene Posts: 238
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    If you are happy doing Crossfit, I say continue your membership there and discontinue the membership where this guy is. If these things take place in the same location, I'd change up my workout time or find a new place. You don't need someone making your workout toxic.
    If he is truly interested, his actions might be because he is upset you don't feel the same way or he sees that other guys in the gym are interested too.
  • tworthen79
    tworthen79 Posts: 1,173 Member
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    Why aren't you going to the gym with your husband or a girl friend (people more supportive) and less drama(i.e he may have feelings for you)? Maybe I'm old fashion, but I wouldn't be hanging out with other men since I'm married. But I'm old school like that.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    He may not be trying to tear you down. Guys think different, they pick on each other in a competitive way. They sometimes motivate by telling somebody they "can't" do something. Women don't usually find those kind of challenges motivational.

    Has the way he talks changed? Did he used to be motivational but now he is not? Or is this just his manner all the time?

    My boyfriend often will say the opposite of what he thinks, because he doesn't want me to think I look so great that I stop trying. I know him well enough to see through and find the real compliments versus his competitive or other kind of comments.
  • dbrightwell1270
    dbrightwell1270 Posts: 1,732 Member
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    The guy obviously has some problems and he is acting out. You talk about what a poor friend he is. What kind of friend are you? You are thinking about ditching him because he is bringing you down. What have you done to help him out since he's been acting out? He sounds like he neds a friend now more than ever.

    That being said, if you try to get to the core of it, you may still find out that there is nothing you can do but cut ties.
  • rgrange
    rgrange Posts: 236 Member
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    I wouldn't be hanging out with other men since I'm married.

    Well, some people are mature enough to handle having friends of the opposite gender even when they're in a relationship.
  • jenifr818
    jenifr818 Posts: 805 Member
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    You have a husband and a wife?

    :laugh:

    OP, he may not be trying to tear you down ... I'm picking it up as he simply doesn't want you getting muscular and doesn't know how to nicely say it. Regardless, if his fitness goals are not the same as yours, it might be time to find yourself a partner whose goals are more in line with yours. If husband is wondering if he's attracted to you, it might not be a bad idea to find yourself a female partner in order to keep peace in the house, too. Just my two cents
  • rowanwood
    rowanwood Posts: 510 Member
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    Maybe he was interested in you. He was nice and encouraging in the beginning but once he came to the understanding that his feelings were not reciprocated, he turned into a jerk. One thing is for certain, "Women love jerks" . Deny it all you want, but its true. All men know this and we use it to our advantage. Its already working on you. You are thinking what you should do about a guy you lift weights with. Why should you care? You have already tore him down with comments i.e. not much going on in his life, not attractive. If you aren't interested, why does that matter? See, its working. Women love jerks because you think you will change his mind, his opinion, or outlook. Let me know when after a workout, you walk him to the car and ask him "What happened to us?" "Did I do something wrong?" Then BOOM, he has you. My reply will not be popular, but its honest.

    "Women" don't all like everything the same. We don't all even like chocolate, we certainly don't have the same taste in friends.

    No, I don't like jerks. So, luckily, you are safe from my affections, I assure you.




    But on topic, it sounds like he's jealous and doesn't know how to articulate it. If you like him as a person outside of these comments, if you really care about him as a friend, maybe you should talk to him honestly instead of insulting him online and throwing him away.
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
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    Honestly, from the limited information i have, I think this guy is in a relationship with you in his mind. Even though you may look at it differently, he sees that as "our" time, not "your" time and he just happens to be who you workout with.

    So you start crossfit? Less "our" time and more "you" time. In his mind you are "cheating" on him in a sense. Maybe he has a passive aggressive personality. So he makes those comments hoping you stop stepping out on him and things return to the status quo.

    It sounds ridiculous but if vegas was taking bets I put mine here.
  • mdn15
    mdn15 Posts: 145
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    Why do you think he is saying this to be mean? Maybe trying is just trying to be honest with you.

    No because I have reduce body fat significantly and clothes size. I have become more muscular and that is what I wanted.
  • tworthen79
    tworthen79 Posts: 1,173 Member
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    I wouldn't be hanging out with other men since I'm married.

    Well, some people are mature enough to handle having friends of the opposite gender even when they're in a relationship.

    I'm mature. But it's less drama. My husband and I hang out it groups. And that works for us. But apparently for her it isn't working. So yeah I agree one can be friends with the opposite sex, if they want too hangout with other men alone, great. But personally, I don't. Whatever works.
  • mdn15
    mdn15 Posts: 145
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    I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).

    You have a wife? That's hot.

    That would be hot. I meant husband :smile:
  • EatClean_WashUrNuts
    EatClean_WashUrNuts Posts: 1,590 Member
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    Just a thought....are you sure that you truly understand this person(s) view? Perception and interpretation are HIGHLY impacted by your present state of emotional reality.


    Personally, I love the phrase....Grow some skin.... If you allow the sayings of those around you, close or not, to impact who you are and what you believe and perceive...you need to Grow Some Skin. You are your own individual. Stand tall and Proud in who you are. And if you can't, then you will always perceive the negative.
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
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    :noway: I almost forgot...Killer Calves!
  • mdn15
    mdn15 Posts: 145
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    He has a lean body but not attractive and does not have much going on in his life other than gym. I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).
    I don't get why his tearing me down.

    You obviously think you're much better than him..perhaps he has been picking up on this vibe.

    OP, I'm really coming down in the middle here and caught between what others have asked as to why you are still hanging around this person, and the above quote.

    Are you looking down on him and treating him poorly? Is he reacting to that?

    We can't tell from here, but it's food for thought.

    I'm nice to him and treat him well. I have tried to help him get certain aspects of his life in order.
  • thrld
    thrld Posts: 610 Member
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    He is tearing you down because (he thinks) you owe him.

    Some people think if they are nice to you, you it to them to make them happy.

    You may even feel guilty - you are doing well, you have much, he seems to have little, you are happy, he is unhappy. (But how much of this is perspective -- he has had success losing weight, he is lean, he is able to work out 6x a week, he has a workout partner)

    But that is not how it works. And you are not responsible for making him happy.

    Is he an open person? ie. does he do things without any expectation of getting back? Does he appreciate what he does have, or does he measure his life by what he doesn't have, and by what others have?

    People tear others down because of jealousy, or because they want to control others, or because they blame you for their current state.
  • mdn15
    mdn15 Posts: 145
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    So the next questions: Just slowly disappear or tell him?

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