Social Eater—saying "No"?
eccentricplaza
Posts: 115 Member
Does anyone have any nicer ways to say "No" when relatives offer food? I constantly have to remind my family when I visit that I want to visit socially, but I don't need to eat the entire time 😭 It makes it difficult, and I feel like a bad guy even when I know I'm not and usually (save for some people—big family) everyone else is OK with it...
BUT 1) those who have "a servant's heart" can get their feelings hurt and 2) those who think I'm taking a jab at them for not restraining from eating frequently.
I want to know if you have crafted good ways/guidelines to decline food?
BUT 1) those who have "a servant's heart" can get their feelings hurt and 2) those who think I'm taking a jab at them for not restraining from eating frequently.
I want to know if you have crafted good ways/guidelines to decline food?
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Replies
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No thanks, I just ate (time your visits so this is plausible)
Wow that looks lovely but I'm really not hungry. May I take a little home to have later? (whether or not you do have it later is up to you)5 -
No thank you.
If you were allergic to the food being offered would you feel bad?
Do not use expressions like eating healthier because that is a form of judgment. Just about all food is healthy in the right context and dosage. You can eat anything and lose weight and you can eat anything to gain it.
Oh and a "servant's heart" puts the needs of others above themselves. It is not about forcing food on someone.12 -
Do not use expressions like eating healthier because that is a form of judgment. Just about all food is healthy in the right context and dosage. You can eat anything and lose weight and you can eat anything to gain it.
Oh I don't say "I'm eating healthy" just that I don't need to eat. Everyone knows I still eat sweets and goodies, just in moderation.1 -
I feel like I have the heartless reaction here
But.. I wouldnt care lol
If they take offense or get hurt because I want to get healthy. Oh well lol.
But that's just me.7 -
eccentricplaza wrote: »Do not use expressions like eating healthier because that is a form of judgment. Just about all food is healthy in the right context and dosage. You can eat anything and lose weight and you can eat anything to gain it.
Oh I don't say "I'm eating healthy" just that I don't need to eat. Everyone knows I still eat sweets and goodies, just in moderation.
I didn't mean to suggest you were. I have replied to many of these types of threads so I give the advice to cover the gaps others have had.3 -
If they just want to offer you something, they might be satisfied if you offered an easy substitution...
"Oh, no thank you, I'm still full from lunch...but I'd love a cup of tea/glass of water/diet soda, etc."15 -
I usually try to follow the appropriate form of "no" (based on the situation, "no thanks," "I'm good," etc.) with a compliment ("It smells amazing, though," "It looks delicious!" etc.)6
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I've been in your shoes. Hopefully they will gracefully accept whatever reason you give.
Here's a list of options - moving generally from polite to forceful.
"Thanks, but I'm good right now, but I'd love a glass of ice water".
"Perhaps later? I'm not nibbly/hungry just yet."
"That's so sweet of you, but I'd rather just enjoy your company and talk"
"Oh, I'd love to indulge, but my doctor says that I need to limit <whatever>"
If you actually do want a small amount, but not a huge portion....
"May I serve myself, so I take just what I will eat right now? I don't want to take more than I can (or should) eat, and it looks too good for any to go to waste".
Hopefully you don't have the kind of relatives that it ends up being practically a throw-down argument.... but I can relate. Here's what happened in my situation:
Years ago, when I was pregnant, my husband and I went to visit his mom and his grandparents (the grands spoke limited English), and they were serving dinner. I forget exactly all of what was there, but I seem to recall a heavy potato soup, kielbasa, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls, and apple pie. I ate what I felt was appropriate for me, mindful that my obstetrician was concerned that I'd already been gaining weight too fast. (I had weighed about 140 lbs at the start of the pregnancy, and was rapidly approaching 170 lbs).
I started declining food.
Their rule was that once food was on your plate - you ate it. Period.
I turned to explain to my mother-in-law that I was gaining weight too fast, the doctor was concerned, etc., and I really wasn't hungry - the food was good but far too much had been made, and could she explain that to her parents? But in the meantime, her mother drops a good-sized ladle-full of more potatoes on my plate!
I protest. I can't eat anymore.
My husband tells me that I HAVE to eat it, it's on my plate, and they will be extremely offended if I do not eat it. It's me against his entire family - and he's siding with them!
Unhappily, I ate it. Then the grandmother again prepares to dump more food on my plate, and I managed to stop her.
The grandmother angrily spouts something off to my MIL, who translates: "You're pregnant, you HAVE to eat, you need to eat enough for TWO people".
I reiterate: I'm full, I'm not supposed to eat enough for two adults, and my doctor is already concerned about how much weight I've gained.
Let's just say, the argument progressed - they said doctors don't know anything, that if I deny the growing baby food that I'm going to end up with a deformed or sick baby, then they started accusing me of trying to kill the baby by not eating enough, etc. I was furious. I grabbed my coat, and headed for the front door - only to discover it was locked with a double-deadbolt, and the grandmom had the key. I'm told that I'm not leaving until they are satisfied that I've eaten enough.
I finally had to threaten to use my cell phone to call the police before they would let me leave.
It was quite a while before I agreed to go back. Unfortunately, my husband also kept harping on me to eat more, even in our own home. I think my pregnancy weight ended up at about 190 lbs, and I have never been able to get back down below 160 since.
--- anyhow, hopefully your relatives don't end up locking you in until they are satisfied that you have eaten enough!
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I’m from a place where the cultural norm seems to be “you haven’t really offered unless you have offered 3 times”. It can be extremely frustrating on the recieving end and a hard habit to break on the offering end. A normal offer might sound like:
1: would you like some ____?
2: Oh, no thanks,
1: Are you sure? (Maybe with a description like, it is really good or with how hot/cold it is today, it really hits the spot)
2: I’m sure. Thank you though.
1: it really isn’t a problem.
2: thank you, but really, I’m good.
1: All right. Let me know if you change your mind.
It can be exhausting. Try to stay consistent. If you give in after the 2nd or 3rd offer, that teaches them to keep asking multiple times. I’ve found that short, polite statements help me out. “No thank you”, “I’m not hungry,” “not right now” (which can be tricky if they are they type to offer again in a few minutes). You could even try to change the subject to distract the offerer (“You have to try my lemon bars, they are to die for!” “Omg! Remember when cousin Sam brought lemon bars to the family Easter that time?” “Yeah! And then...”).3 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »If they just want to offer you something, they might be satisfied if you offered an easy substitution...
"Oh, no thank you, I'm still full from lunch...but I'd love a cup of tea/glass of water/diet soda, etc."
I will have to try this, especially since my mom and grandmother have teapots and cute china sets. Put it to use, ya know?Justin_7272 wrote: »I usually try to follow the appropriate form of "no" (based on the situation, "no thanks," "I'm good," etc.) with a compliment ("It smells amazing, though," "It looks delicious!" etc.)
I have had the compliment downplayed with "Then you should try it!" 😭
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I've been in your shoes. Hopefully they will gracefully accept whatever reason you give.
Here's a list of options - moving generally from polite to forceful.
"Thanks, but I'm good right now, but I'd love a glass of ice water".
"Perhaps later? I'm not nibbly/hungry just yet."
"That's so sweet of you, but I'd rather just enjoy your company and talk"
"Oh, I'd love to indulge, but my doctor says that I need to limit <whatever>"
If you actually do want a small amount, but not a huge portion....
"May I serve myself, so I take just what I will eat right now? I don't want to take more than I can (or should) eat, and it looks too good for any to go to waste".
I have done the small amount thing, as for the rest of your story... wow! Well, my dad's side of the family is overweight or obese for the most part, and I've had them criticize me, but not to the point of locking me up!
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I take stuff for later then secretly throw it in the bin if I don’t wanna eat it.
People won’t know that way.
Plus it’s ok to upset people sometimes and if they get upset it’s their problem if you have been polite.
I’ve had friends try and get me drunk by buying me doubles. Those drinks just got lined up untouched. Sometimes you gotta just do you.7 -
eccentricplaza wrote: »SuzySunshine99 wrote: »If they just want to offer you something, they might be satisfied if you offered an easy substitution...
"Oh, no thank you, I'm still full from lunch...but I'd love a cup of tea/glass of water/diet soda, etc."
I will have to try this, especially since my mom and grandmother have teapots and cute china sets. Put it to use, ya know?Justin_7272 wrote: »I usually try to follow the appropriate form of "no" (based on the situation, "no thanks," "I'm good," etc.) with a compliment ("It smells amazing, though," "It looks delicious!" etc.)
I have had the compliment downplayed with "Then you should try it!" 😭
Damn! Guess you'd have to go for the nuclear option; "Cupcakes make me gassy." 🤷♂️7 -
I don't live near relatives. However, I have to deal with food pushers at work.
"No thanks, I appreciate it, but I have health problems and don't eat ____"
"No thanks, I've already eaten."
"No thanks, I lost 34 pounds last year and don't want to gain it back. I'm a sugar fiend and can't stop once I start."
(This one worked on the worse food pusher)
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eccentricplaza wrote: »SuzySunshine99 wrote: »If they just want to offer you something, they might be satisfied if you offered an easy substitution...
"Oh, no thank you, I'm still full from lunch...but I'd love a cup of tea/glass of water/diet soda, etc."
I will have to try this, especially since my mom and grandmother have teapots and cute china sets. Put it to use, ya know?Justin_7272 wrote: »I usually try to follow the appropriate form of "no" (based on the situation, "no thanks," "I'm good," etc.) with a compliment ("It smells amazing, though," "It looks delicious!" etc.)
I have had the compliment downplayed with "Then you should try it!" 😭
"I couldn't possibly do it justice now, thanks."
Possibly followed by that "if you'd like to cut a piece for me to take home . . . ." kind of thing.1 -
🤣😂 I'd tell them I was an alcoholic! No need or room for food! Leaving Las Vegas 😂🤣🍻🥂2
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I'm with quemalosuerte, who always has a good head about these things.
Indeed, many people offer several times as a polite way to serve others and doing exactly like she said in that 1:2: conversation is what I do. They're gonna offer - multiple times. It's what a good host/hostess is raised to do...
I have to protect myself. I also have to be polite. My standard reply is just smile and say, "No, thanks." Then I repeat that the second time with a smile. The third time I look them right in the eye and say, "No. Thank you," without the smile.5 -
I am honest and say I wish I could eat like that but I cant, takes me too long to get the weight off. Or just simply no thanks. I dont have a hard time with this thank goodness. I know I am the one who has to wear the weight.1
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No one has to live in our body.
Some will make up imaginary health conditions aka telling lies but that will always come back to bite you in the hindend. Look them directly in the eye or sit down with them face-to-face and tell them the truth. No long explanation needed. Empathy is always a good strategy.
I appreciate all of your hard work. We all know you are the best cook in the world. I always enjoy eating your food and I want to keep it that way.
I say, I'm learning how to moderate myself with food and portions. It takes focus and practice. Thanks for helping me.
The end. 3 -
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I don't live near relatives. However, I have to deal with food pushers at work.
"No thanks, I appreciate it, but I have health problems and don't eat ____"
"No thanks, I've already eaten."
"No thanks, I lost 34 pounds last year and don't want to gain it back. I'm a sugar fiend and can't stop once I start."
(This one worked on the worse food pusher)
I want to clarify my statement above about health problems. I was not suggesting making up imaginary problems. I was obese with very real health problems caused by excess weight, namely very high cholesterol and hypertension. Those problems have improved now, but I still have to be careful.
I believe most food pushers want to be nice, but in the end I certainly have the right to say no.1 -
I feel like people here are way more considerate than I am LOL I just say "No thanks," or "No thanks, not hungry right now." If it proceeds to round 2, "Oh, but it's so good, are you sure..." -> "Yep. I'm sure. Not hungry. Thanks, though."7
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cmriverside wrote: »I'm with quemalosuerte, who always has a good head about these things.
Indeed, many people offer several times as a polite way to serve others and doing exactly like she said in that 1:2: conversation is what I do. They're gonna offer - multiple times. It's what a good host/hostess is raised to do...
I have to protect myself. I also have to be polite. My standard reply is just smile and say, "No, thanks." Then I repeat that the second time with a smile. The third time I look them right in the eye and say, "No. Thank you," without the smile.
Agreed. A few polite exchanges is one thing, but if they keep pushing, they are the ones being rude. I don't have any problem shutting down rude people.4 -
I think drink substitutes are a great idea. I am nursing, and although I am burning an addition 500+ kcal from that, I don't need to eat an extra 1000. BUT water intake is great!
Unlike coworkers (I used to have that problem, now a stay at home mom), some of my family knows about my eating disorders. I don't know, to bring up "I don't want to set off a binge, and then be mentally unstable afterwards" seems... like a mood killer? But if I'm just brutally honest once or twice maybe certain people won't push anymore. I never had issues with being obese, but I am guilty of binge and purge 😞
Then again, they should understand and not complain. Same way no one should complain that an epileptic would choose to avoid looking at clips/videos that will set off a seizure.1 -
eccentricplaza wrote: »I think drink substitutes are a great idea. I am nursing, and although I am burning an addition 500+ kcal from that, I don't need to eat an extra 1000. BUT water intake is great!
Unlike coworkers (I used to have that problem, now a stay at home mom), some of my family knows about my eating disorders. I don't know, to bring up "I don't want to set off a binge, and then be mentally unstable afterwards" seems... like a mood killer? But if I'm just brutally honest once or twice maybe certain people won't push anymore. I never had issues with being obese, but I am guilty of binge and purge 😞
Then again, they should understand and not complain. Same way no one should complain that an epileptic would choose to avoid looking at clips/videos that will set off a seizure.
Yes, some people might need more to get the message through to them.
My mom offers me everything in the house. She's just being polite. I do a lot of "No thanks, this is plenty." No hard feelings on either end.
She only expects me to eat once while I'm there for the afternoon though.
So in your case just say, "No thanks, I'm still full from [previous meal.]" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯1 -
I feel like people here are way more considerate than I am LOL I just say "No thanks," or "No thanks, not hungry right now." If it proceeds to round 2, "Oh, but it's so good, are you sure..." -> "Yep. I'm sure. Not hungry. Thanks, though."
Being too considerate is another form of dysfunction...
The part I don't understand about the original post is, why worry if people get their feelings hurt when I say, "No thanks." It's not my problem if someone upsets themselves over what I eat or don't eat. That's their issue and it's a form of manipulation to act "hurt" over it.
Definitely a big thing in certain company.
Company that I don't like to keep.
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What happened to the emoticons? Half of them don't look like they should. :-|0
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We had an expression in our family, "Oh, don't be an Uncle Jim!" Poor, dear, long dead Uncle Jim was renowned for forcing seconds and thirds on folks long after they thought their stomachs would explode. When someone got too pushy with the food, "Oh, don't be an Uncle Jim" did wonders. Guess it wouldn't work universally, even in my family where the younger generations would have no idea who Uncle Jim was!4
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cmriverside wrote: »I feel like people here are way more considerate than I am LOL I just say "No thanks," or "No thanks, not hungry right now." If it proceeds to round 2, "Oh, but it's so good, are you sure..." -> "Yep. I'm sure. Not hungry. Thanks, though."
Being too considerate is another form of dysfunction...
The part I don't understand about the original post is, why worry if people get their feelings hurt when I say, "No thanks." It's not my problem if someone upsets themselves over what I eat or don't eat. That's their issue and it's a form of manipulation to act "hurt" over it.
Definitely a big thing in certain company.
Company that I don't like to keep.
Lol exactly...
This is why I said I honestly wouldnt care. Oh well lol... people are too emotionally invested.. trying so hard to please everyone over something that shouldn't even be upsetting someone in the first place.1 -
I can relate. My wife and in-laws (who also live with us) are from a culture where food = love, and "no thanks, I'm full" is taken as a very personal and hurtful insult. I'm sorry, but I've never found a good solution. I waffle back-and-forth between accepting that every single meal will end in a screaming row with someone in tears, and just giving up and caving in.0
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