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Social Eater—saying "No"?

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  • Hollis100Hollis100 Member Posts: 801 Member Member Posts: 801 Member
    Hollis100 wrote: »
    I don't live near relatives. However, I have to deal with food pushers at work.

    "No thanks, I appreciate it, but I have health problems and don't eat ____"

    "No thanks, I've already eaten."

    "No thanks, I lost 34 pounds last year and don't want to gain it back. I'm a sugar fiend and can't stop once I start."
    (This one worked on the worse food pusher)


    I want to clarify my statement above about health problems. I was not suggesting making up imaginary problems. I was obese with very real health problems caused by excess weight, namely very high cholesterol and hypertension. Those problems have improved now, but I still have to be careful.

    I believe most food pushers want to be nice, but in the end I certainly have the right to say no.
  • Mouse_PotatoMouse_Potato Member Posts: 1,269 Member Member Posts: 1,269 Member
    I'm with quemalosuerte, who always has a good head about these things.

    Indeed, many people offer several times as a polite way to serve others and doing exactly like she said in that 1:2: conversation is what I do. They're gonna offer - multiple times. It's what a good host/hostess is raised to do...

    I have to protect myself. I also have to be polite. My standard reply is just smile and say, "No, thanks." Then I repeat that the second time with a smile. The third time I look them right in the eye and say, "No. Thank you," without the smile.

    Agreed. A few polite exchanges is one thing, but if they keep pushing, they are the ones being rude. I don't have any problem shutting down rude people.
  • eccentricplazaeccentricplaza Member Posts: 111 Member Member Posts: 111 Member
    I think drink substitutes are a great idea. I am nursing, and although I am burning an addition 500+ kcal from that, I don't need to eat an extra 1000. BUT water intake is great!

    Unlike coworkers (I used to have that problem, now a stay at home mom), some of my family knows about my eating disorders. I don't know, to bring up "I don't want to set off a binge, and then be mentally unstable afterwards" seems... like a mood killer? But if I'm just brutally honest once or twice maybe certain people won't push anymore. I never had issues with being obese, but I am guilty of binge and purge 😞

    Then again, they should understand and not complain. Same way no one should complain that an epileptic would choose to avoid looking at clips/videos that will set off a seizure.
  • kshama2001kshama2001 Member Posts: 21,804 Member Member Posts: 21,804 Member
    I think drink substitutes are a great idea. I am nursing, and although I am burning an addition 500+ kcal from that, I don't need to eat an extra 1000. BUT water intake is great!

    Unlike coworkers (I used to have that problem, now a stay at home mom), some of my family knows about my eating disorders. I don't know, to bring up "I don't want to set off a binge, and then be mentally unstable afterwards" seems... like a mood killer? But if I'm just brutally honest once or twice maybe certain people won't push anymore. I never had issues with being obese, but I am guilty of binge and purge 😞

    Then again, they should understand and not complain. Same way no one should complain that an epileptic would choose to avoid looking at clips/videos that will set off a seizure.

    Yes, some people might need more to get the message through to them.

    My mom offers me everything in the house. She's just being polite. I do a lot of "No thanks, this is plenty." No hard feelings on either end.

    She only expects me to eat once while I'm there for the afternoon though.

    So in your case just say, "No thanks, I'm still full from [previous meal.]" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  • cmriversidecmriverside Member Posts: 29,767 Member Member Posts: 29,767 Member
    What happened to the emoticons? Half of them don't look like they should. :-|
  • HeidiCooksSupperHeidiCooksSupper Member, Premium Posts: 3,313 Member Member, Premium Posts: 3,313 Member
    We had an expression in our family, "Oh, don't be an Uncle Jim!" Poor, dear, long dead Uncle Jim was renowned for forcing seconds and thirds on folks long after they thought their stomachs would explode. When someone got too pushy with the food, "Oh, don't be an Uncle Jim" did wonders. Guess it wouldn't work universally, even in my family where the younger generations would have no idea who Uncle Jim was!
  • KrissFlavoredKrissFlavored Member Posts: 346 Member Member Posts: 346 Member
    lgfrie wrote: »
    I feel like people here are way more considerate than I am LOL I just say "No thanks," or "No thanks, not hungry right now." If it proceeds to round 2, "Oh, but it's so good, are you sure..." -> "Yep. I'm sure. Not hungry. Thanks, though."

    Being too considerate is another form of dysfunction...

    The part I don't understand about the original post is, why worry if people get their feelings hurt when I say, "No thanks." It's not my problem if someone upsets themselves over what I eat or don't eat. That's their issue and it's a form of manipulation to act "hurt" over it.

    Definitely a big thing in certain company.

    Company that I don't like to keep. :wink:

    Lol exactly...

    This is why I said I honestly wouldnt care. Oh well lol... people are too emotionally invested.. trying so hard to please everyone over something that shouldn't even be upsetting someone in the first place.
  • JetJaguarJetJaguar Member Posts: 776 Member Member Posts: 776 Member
    I can relate. My wife and in-laws (who also live with us) are from a culture where food = love, and "no thanks, I'm full" is taken as a very personal and hurtful insult. I'm sorry, but I've never found a good solution. I waffle back-and-forth between accepting that every single meal will end in a screaming row with someone in tears, and just giving up and caving in.
    edited May 24
  • cupcakesandproteinshakescupcakesandproteinshakes Member Posts: 697 Member Member Posts: 697 Member
    JetJaguar wrote: »
    I can relate. My wife and in-laws (who also live with us) are from a culture where food = love, and "no thanks, I'm full" is taken as a very personal and hurtful insult. I'm sorry, but I've never found a good solution. I waffle back-and-forth between accepting that every single meal will end in a screaming row with someone in tears, and just giving up and caving in.

    That’s tough. I wonder if you had a long period of saying no if the rows would die out? I wonder if they might just get used to you saying no.
  • eccentricplazaeccentricplaza Member Posts: 111 Member Member Posts: 111 Member
    JetJaguar wrote: »
    I can relate. My wife and in-laws (who also live with us) are from a culture where food = love, and "no thanks, I'm full" is taken as a very personal and hurtful insult. I'm sorry, but I've never found a good solution. I waffle back-and-forth between accepting that every single meal will end in a screaming row with someone in tears, and just giving up and caving in.

    That's similar to how my dad's side is. I will be planning ahead for my aunt being over, but I do care about their feelings and I don't think that is a disorder because they are close family. She in particular, and my grandma, since those two are the closest to me since my dad passed away.
  • HabitRabbitHabitRabbit Member Posts: 2 Member Member Posts: 2 Member
    Sometimes I bring a container with me and tell them I’m too full to eat it right now but I don’t want to miss out, and would it be ok if I take some home? Then the next day I have at least a mouthful (or more of course) and then text them a thank you.
  • missysippy930missysippy930 Member Posts: 1,989 Member Member Posts: 1,989 Member
    Looks delicious. Sorry I’m trying to watch my calorie intake.
  • eccentricplazaeccentricplaza Member Posts: 111 Member Member Posts: 111 Member
    Sometimes I bring a container with me and tell them I’m too full to eat it right now but I don’t want to miss out, and would it be ok if I take some home? Then the next day I have at least a mouthful (or more of course) and then text them a thank you.

    Beinging a container adds an heir of hopeful expectancy that's flattering. I like it!

    I'm not good at saying no, and my extended family are not good at accepting no because of our food culture. Some choose to devise strategies and things to say which is a really good approach, but mine is a bit different and probably wouldn't work for many: I just eat what I'm being presented if it's a single dish, and eat the things I like most if it's more than one dish. I save up calories for a few days in advance if it's a large feast and skip breakfast if it's a quick visit.

    Yeah, I plan on doing that (saving up) more. Also, if there's a pool or a beach I definitely swim with my cousins to help.
  • caffeinetanyacaffeinetanya Member Posts: 5 Member Member Posts: 5 Member
    No is a complete sentence.

    I don’t explain myself. I just keep saying a simple no. I tell them if I get hungry, I will let them know. I do accept an offer for tea if given, even if I don’t particularly want some.

    I don’t feel the need to justify my actions, and my family (who are all big offer you everything in their house and then offering to go out to buy you something people) have grown accustomed to it. They will always offer. I don’t expect them to change. But I also don’t have to say yes.
  • spiriteagle99spiriteagle99 Member Posts: 2,649 Member Member Posts: 2,649 Member
    I’m from a place where the cultural norm seems to be “you haven’t really offered unless you have offered 3 times”. It can be extremely frustrating on the recieving end and a hard habit to break on the offering end. A normal offer might sound like:
    1: would you like some ____?
    2: Oh, no thanks,
    1: Are you sure? (Maybe with a description like, it is really good or with how hot/cold it is today, it really hits the spot)
    2: I’m sure. Thank you though.
    1: it really isn’t a problem.
    2: thank you, but really, I’m good.
    1: All right. Let me know if you change your mind.

    .

    I somehow absorbed that attitude when I was young, probably from watching my mother, who was overweight, refuse food she really wanted, until the offer had been made more than once. It somehow wasn't considered ladylike to say yes the first time food was offered. I had a rude awakening when a friend's mother offered me something sweet and I said no, assuming she would insist. She didn't. She must have seen the shock on my face because she said, "If you want it, say so. I don't play games. You either want it or you don't." After that whenever I wanted food I spoke right up, but if I didn't, I also spoke up and expected that to be accepted.

    I also inherited the attitude from my mother that it was a compliment to the cook to ask for seconds or thirds. If you only ate one serving, that meant you didn't like it. Since I loved my mother, I always asked for seconds. That was a hard habit to break. I still tend to go for seconds at family feasts even if I'm full so people know the food is appreciated.
  • Anthem76Anthem76 Member Posts: 43 Member Member Posts: 43 Member
    I think it can help to be clear upfront. If someone invites me to visit, at the time I accept, I say something like, "Please don't go through any trouble preparing food. I'm following a special diet right now." Or "I will come over after lunch, so please don't prepare a meal." Another option is to offer to bring lunch or a snack, again after explaining why. Or meet at a restaurant that has healthy options. I think most food-pushers don't mean to be rude; often I think they are anticipating enjoying a treat with company and feel disappointed when their plans are foiled. By explaining the situation ahead of time, everyone can plan and know what to expect.
  • Diatonic12Diatonic12 Member Posts: 4,889 Member Member Posts: 4,889 Member
    Cultures are different but out here all guests are entitled to eat what you offer but not clean out your larder. When someone else does all of the work it would be considered rude to assume you can take the leftovers home or the portion you don't want to eat. They're leaverites. Leave 'em right there.

    If the host offers that's a different story.
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