Social Eater—saying "No"?

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  • cupcakesandproteinshakes
    cupcakesandproteinshakes Posts: 1,133 Member
    JetJaguar wrote: »
    I can relate. My wife and in-laws (who also live with us) are from a culture where food = love, and "no thanks, I'm full" is taken as a very personal and hurtful insult. I'm sorry, but I've never found a good solution. I waffle back-and-forth between accepting that every single meal will end in a screaming row with someone in tears, and just giving up and caving in.

    That’s tough. I wonder if you had a long period of saying no if the rows would die out? I wonder if they might just get used to you saying no.
  • eccentricplaza
    eccentricplaza Posts: 115 Member
    JetJaguar wrote: »
    I can relate. My wife and in-laws (who also live with us) are from a culture where food = love, and "no thanks, I'm full" is taken as a very personal and hurtful insult. I'm sorry, but I've never found a good solution. I waffle back-and-forth between accepting that every single meal will end in a screaming row with someone in tears, and just giving up and caving in.

    That's similar to how my dad's side is. I will be planning ahead for my aunt being over, but I do care about their feelings and I don't think that is a disorder because they are close family. She in particular, and my grandma, since those two are the closest to me since my dad passed away.
  • HabitRabbit
    HabitRabbit Posts: 25 Member
    Sometimes I bring a container with me and tell them I’m too full to eat it right now but I don’t want to miss out, and would it be ok if I take some home? Then the next day I have at least a mouthful (or more of course) and then text them a thank you.
  • missysippy930
    missysippy930 Posts: 2,577 Member
    Looks delicious. Sorry I’m trying to watch my calorie intake.
  • eccentricplaza
    eccentricplaza Posts: 115 Member
    HabitRabbit wrote: »
    Sometimes I bring a container with me and tell them I’m too full to eat it right now but I don’t want to miss out, and would it be ok if I take some home? Then the next day I have at least a mouthful (or more of course) and then text them a thank you.

    Beinging a container adds an heir of hopeful expectancy that's flattering. I like it!

    amusedmonkey wrote: »
    I'm not good at saying no, and my extended family are not good at accepting no because of our food culture. Some choose to devise strategies and things to say which is a really good approach, but mine is a bit different and probably wouldn't work for many: I just eat what I'm being presented if it's a single dish, and eat the things I like most if it's more than one dish. I save up calories for a few days in advance if it's a large feast and skip breakfast if it's a quick visit.

    Yeah, I plan on doing that (saving up) more. Also, if there's a pool or a beach I definitely swim with my cousins to help.
  • caffeinetanya
    caffeinetanya Posts: 16 Member
    No is a complete sentence.

    I don’t explain myself. I just keep saying a simple no. I tell them if I get hungry, I will let them know. I do accept an offer for tea if given, even if I don’t particularly want some.

    I don’t feel the need to justify my actions, and my family (who are all big offer you everything in their house and then offering to go out to buy you something people) have grown accustomed to it. They will always offer. I don’t expect them to change. But I also don’t have to say yes.
  • spiriteagle99
    spiriteagle99 Posts: 3,743 Member
    quemalosuerte wrote: »
    I’m from a place where the cultural norm seems to be “you haven’t really offered unless you have offered 3 times”. It can be extremely frustrating on the recieving end and a hard habit to break on the offering end. A normal offer might sound like:
    1: would you like some ____?
    2: Oh, no thanks,
    1: Are you sure? (Maybe with a description like, it is really good or with how hot/cold it is today, it really hits the spot)
    2: I’m sure. Thank you though.
    1: it really isn’t a problem.
    2: thank you, but really, I’m good.
    1: All right. Let me know if you change your mind.

    .

    I somehow absorbed that attitude when I was young, probably from watching my mother, who was overweight, refuse food she really wanted, until the offer had been made more than once. It somehow wasn't considered ladylike to say yes the first time food was offered. I had a rude awakening when a friend's mother offered me something sweet and I said no, assuming she would insist. She didn't. She must have seen the shock on my face because she said, "If you want it, say so. I don't play games. You either want it or you don't." After that whenever I wanted food I spoke right up, but if I didn't, I also spoke up and expected that to be accepted.

    I also inherited the attitude from my mother that it was a compliment to the cook to ask for seconds or thirds. If you only ate one serving, that meant you didn't like it. Since I loved my mother, I always asked for seconds. That was a hard habit to break. I still tend to go for seconds at family feasts even if I'm full so people know the food is appreciated.
  • Anthem76
    Anthem76 Posts: 81 Member
    I think it can help to be clear upfront. If someone invites me to visit, at the time I accept, I say something like, "Please don't go through any trouble preparing food. I'm following a special diet right now." Or "I will come over after lunch, so please don't prepare a meal." Another option is to offer to bring lunch or a snack, again after explaining why. Or meet at a restaurant that has healthy options. I think most food-pushers don't mean to be rude; often I think they are anticipating enjoying a treat with company and feel disappointed when their plans are foiled. By explaining the situation ahead of time, everyone can plan and know what to expect.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    Cultures are different but out here all guests are entitled to eat what you offer but not clean out your larder. When someone else does all of the work it would be considered rude to assume you can take the leftovers home or the portion you don't want to eat. They're leaverites. Leave 'em right there.

    If the host offers that's a different story.
  • eccentricplaza
    eccentricplaza Posts: 115 Member
    Anthem76 wrote: »
    I think it can help to be clear upfront. If someone invites me to visit, at the time I accept, I say something like, "Please don't go through any trouble preparing food. I'm following a special diet right now." Or "I will come over after lunch, so please don't prepare a meal." Another option is to offer to bring lunch or a snack, again after explaining why. Or meet at a restaurant that has healthy options. I think most food-pushers don't mean to be rude; often I think they are anticipating enjoying a treat with company and feel disappointed when their plans are foiled. By explaining the situation ahead of time, everyone can plan and know what to expect.

    That's a good way to go about it!
  • mlrtri
    mlrtri Posts: 425 Member
    I politely decline. If they keep asking then I explain with something like:

    I feel better when I don’t have too much sugar.

    I feel better when I stay within my calories.

    I feel better when I don’t snack between meals.

    Usually they don’t push after that because they would have to urge me to feel bad. And it’s not judging (I hope) if they choose to eat. I am not saying it’s bad. Just that I feel bad when I do it. Which is true.
  • hipari
    hipari Posts: 1,367 Member
    I have IBS, and absolutely blame that if need be. "Thanks, it looks/smells lovely, but my tummy is really acting up right now and I don't want to make it worse." Even if I'm is fine and there's nothing in the offered food that would be an issue. This makes it rude for the food-pusher to continue.

    Then there are people that just absolutely don't care. My dad's new wife loves baking, knows perfectly well I have to eat gluten free, and completely ignores it. She keeps baking stuff and giving it to me. Last Christmas I donated two big Christmas cakes (baked by her) to my office potluck, and one of my colleagues brought home the leftovers. Everyone was happier that way.
  • eccentricplaza
    eccentricplaza Posts: 115 Member
    mlrtri wrote: »
    I politely decline. If they keep asking then I explain with something like:

    I feel better when I don’t have too much sugar.

    I feel better when I stay within my calories.

    I feel better when I don’t snack between meals.

    Usually they don’t push after that because they would have to urge me to feel bad. And it’s not judging (I hope) if they choose to eat. I am not saying it’s bad. Just that I feel bad when I do it. Which is true.

    That's a smart way to go about it

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