How to explain this to hubby?

CeeBeeSlim
CeeBeeSlim Posts: 1,347 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Long story short, I’ve been away from my husband since Feb due to COVID - taking care of elderly parents out of state. In that time, I have not only reached 2 pounds under my ultimate goal weight, but I’m aiming for another 2-3 lb loss.

I know when i head back home next week it will be like a mini-honeymoon, but I know the things he’s been wanting to do together I won’t want to do - wine, rum punches, fav restaurants (take out or delivery only) etc. These were always so much fun but I know now - having cooked my own food since Feb - they did not help with any weight loss efforts.

How do I say “thanks but not thanks” to 90% of what we wants to do together without zapping all the fun from finally enjoying summer - as best we can? Enjoy it all but stay under calories with very small portions (slippery slope)? Just tell him I only want to eat our cooked food - boring! He knows how important reaching this goal was for me - he just thought I looked great before.

Thoughts?
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Replies

  • freshstart180213
    freshstart180213 Posts: 170 Member
    edited July 2020
    Congrats great job! honestly tho I would just opt for honesty he loves you and will only want to support you the fact is he loved you just as much before so he will be just as supportive and loving as before don't sell him short equally now your weight loss journey chapter is almost at an end this now becomes both a maintenance as well as a staying on track chapter you won't go thro your whole life without an occasional takeaway or a cheeky drink the key is one don't sell yourself short you have worked hard and got here so it doesn't have to be a slippery slope find your balance and two occasional treats are fine this isn't just weight loss this is a fresh start life choice and the only way to find that is balance it's probably the trickiest part of weight loss and it is probably why the rest of us keep coming back here because we identify that we need to get back on it
  • Leezy55
    Leezy55 Posts: 339 Member
    goodasgoldilox165 wrote: »
    Well done so far.

    Don't worry - be positive - go to him full of exciting plans that don't involve too many calories.

    Really of course, he wants to be with you and enjoy your company and your happiness.

    He is looking at things you used to do - by default- not because they are the best.

    Think about it - they probably aren't best anyway. Heavy food/drink is not romantic at all.

    New things could easily be even better.

    What lively -exciting -fun things can you come up with? It doesn't all have to be drinking/eating but some of it could be: What amazing special just-for-you-my-love-intimate-dinners could you prepare? (Take-outs can be really bland and boring. I've gone off them... and taken my family with me so far. The two of you could easily do better than you can buy. Especially if you use the same budget.)

    Yes! And what about picnics or romantic picnics, after a great hike, biking or long walk. Or create your own architectural walk or historic or sightseeing walk and then have a picnic.
  • mommaspizzaland
    mommaspizzaland Posts: 1 Member
    You are going to be looking so amazing to him he will be keeping you on the diet well after the mini honeymoon phase! So I would not be worried about it. Now if he's the type to get jealous he might be trying to feed you back up to your pre-weight loss to keep all that non-hubby attention you'll be getting so watch out for that because my hub's said he subconsciously would do that by ordering pizza's and other very high carb and fried nummy's. I quit smoking years ago so I knew I could do this, and so can you. I used to be a skin-pin up to my mid 40's and my sudden menopause weight gain has been the most resistant ever to lose but as long as I have no more than 1100 cals a day I can eat what I want and make better choices to stretch the calories. I don't ever count my workout calories as meaning I can eat more that day, that's just chasing your own tail. Most important is how great I feel and having more energy is the best of all. Keep doing it!
  • katicasi82
    katicasi82 Posts: 121 Member
    Amazing - not only have you reached your goal, you did so while doing something truly noble! Fair play! I agree with Motorsheen and with a few others too - Cooking does not have to be boring you can cook together, find a recipe for a dish you would normally order in and get busy! Take-away is very often far duller than you recall! Also - enjoy the reunion ;)
  • katicasi82
    katicasi82 Posts: 121 Member
    Leezy55 wrote: »
    Well I went to visit in-laws in Chicago for a month. True foodies that eat out every single night! No fast food just good restaurants including celebrity level. They truly loved taking us out and enjoying all the different neighborhood restaurants. After 2 nights I figured I just couldn't do it. So what I did was 1. ordered from the appetizer menu. My best appetizer was at an Italian place i had a 3 meatball dish, large meatballs almost the size of tennis balls with grated mozzarella and a glass of wine. 2. Other times I stuck to lean chicken dishes, no sauces just grill types. 3. Omelettes. The dishes tended to be large so I made it a point if it looked high calorie I ate half and took the other half home for my husband to have for lunch the next day. They also tended to buy fresh baked cookies every couple days. I tried to do a lot of walking to burn off calories. FYI they are all super thin if they gained 10-20 lbs they would still be in normal range! Difficult part was staying away from the bread basket. Remember food isn't the problem it's amount.
    Hope your husband appreciates your accomplishment.

    HOW???? If I ate like that I'd be dead!
  • Sand_TIger
    Sand_TIger Posts: 1,098 Member
    Personally I'd go with an honest approach, leading up to it before your reunion, like others have said. Maybe ask him if there's some kind of thing he's always wanted to try that you could do together. I wouldn't cut out the fancy dinners, but I would plan ahead (like look up their menus online and pick some options that fit within your goals so you don't have to decide when the time comes) and choose restaurants that will have healthier options. It's what I used to do when my company took me out for a team lead/supervisor lunch. I'd pick some kind of rockin' ahi salad or something that I could box up half of.

    Letting him in on the process so he feels included, even opening up to him about your worries and asking for his help, will probably activate his protective side and have him bending over backwards to help you. Also, if you keep in mind that on a restaurant day you might eat a little more but it's important to get back on track right away, it doesn't have to become a slippery slope.

    Finally - when you do have that special night out, enjoy it for all it's worth even if it involves food! Focusing on the whole experience, including mindful eating, will help you feel more satisfied and also give you a better memory of the occasion. I think some of us become afraid of enjoying food because we've harmed ourselves with it.
  • skennelly3163
    skennelly3163 Posts: 8 Member
    I do go out to eat and to parties but I plan ahead and actually decide what I want.. Log it before I go and stick to it. Stick to light beers and hard seltzers if you want to have a drink .. or just diet soda or water. You don't have to drink to have a good time. Here is another idea. If your husband wants to order out use the half rule. Take half your dinner and put it in a container as soon as you get it. Eat half and have the other half for lunch the next day. I bought an air fryer toaster oven so I can make a lot of the favorite take out foods at home but much healthier. I love playing with the recipes and making them light. Tonight I made a Mexican meal that was less than 300 calories a serving and my son never noticed it was a diet dinner. It can be done.. You're doing great already just keep on doing what you're doing but you don't have to stop living just because you want to lose weight.
  • The_Movie_Chair
    The_Movie_Chair Posts: 112 Member
    Super! Congrats on reaching your goal weight.

    I a lesson years ago when I gave up up smoking. Life around me went on the way it always did. People still smoked, they did not care that I didn't. It was me who had to adjust, not the people around me. "Permanent results, require permanent changes."

    Make a plan, accept the fact that you are not perfect (but damn close to it) and enjoy life to the fullest -in moderation of course.

    I have lost 156 pounds. I love(d) going out for dinner and very often asked the chef for help when I couldn't find anything that suited not just my taste, but also my health-based dietary restrictions. As for alcohol. Enjoy it in moderation.
  • kickingitup
    kickingitup Posts: 38 Member
    edited July 2020
    Congrats on your success first of all. I had the same problems with my husband but we came into agreement that at meal times he will eat whatever he wishes to (this includes home cooked meals, takeouts, deliveries) and I will eat the meals i prepared ahead. When we do go out, I just order something that's within my calories allowance. This seems to work for us. You may want to try something like this out.Don't be afraid to tell him what is best for you, you be surprise how understanding he can be. Good luck and I hope you two will find a way to balance this out.
  • charmmeth
    charmmeth Posts: 936 Member
    Congratulations on your success. I do sympathise with your situation. My husband and I were also apart for over three months. After a splurge after Easter, I managed to get into a really good routine of eating within my limits and exercising daily. Now we are back together he is plying me with wine and lovely cocktails! Also, although restaurants are still shut so that we cook a lot together, it is harder to weigh everything when we do, and his idea of a small portion and mine are often somewhat out of synch. Plus I still need to establish my exercise routine again. I have been refelcting on how hard it is to change the patterns of a relationship, and particularly of what defines a treat. I wish you luck!
  • Leezy55
    Leezy55 Posts: 339 Member
    katicasi82 wrote: »
    Leezy55 wrote: »
    Well I went to visit in-laws in Chicago for a month. True foodies that eat out every single night! No fast food just good restaurants including celebrity level. They truly loved taking us out and enjoying all the different neighborhood restaurants. After 2 nights I figured I just couldn't do it. So what I did was 1. ordered from the appetizer menu. My best appetizer was at an Italian place i had a 3 meatball dish, large meatballs almost the size of tennis balls with grated mozzarella and a glass of wine. 2. Other times I stuck to lean chicken dishes, no sauces just grill types. 3. Omelettes. The dishes tended to be large so I made it a point if it looked high calorie I ate half and took the other half home for my husband to have for lunch the next day. They also tended to buy fresh baked cookies every couple days. I tried to do a lot of walking to burn off calories. FYI they are all super thin if they gained 10-20 lbs they would still be in normal range! Difficult part was staying away from the bread basket. Remember food isn't the problem it's amount.
    Hope your husband appreciates your accomplishment.

    HOW???? If I ate like that I'd be dead!

    Well interestingly enough it was definitely a learning experience for me. First we are all retired so time is on our side. Mode of transportation was by foot. The closest restaurant was about 4 blocks away and the furthest was about 2 miles one way. Basically they never order anything white as in pasta, bread, chips, fries, pizza... it was always a lean protein and a vegetable. This is when I turned on to roasted brussel sprouts. Rare the alcohol and never dessert. Even the Mexican restaurant was some sort of grilled meat for them not me, I went for the usual combo plate! In addition no sauces, salad dressings...avoided the bread/chip basket. Which of course left me to all the chips and bread!
    The front door was up 48 stairs! Personally I would have consolidated my trips but they went down for the morning newspaper then down for the mail then down for the gym(3xwk/home gym 2xwk)then down for shopping lugging bags, coffee roaster about a mile away once a week then the bakery for bread and cookies about 1.5 miles. Then end of day dinner. So no less than walking 48 stairs 4x a day and about no less than 5 miles a day walking for errands plus a little more walking for pleasure. Even walked downtown twice at 10 miles round trip. After that we said we were taking the bus! Breakfast was a pot of coffee and toast or cookie, piece of fruit and no lunch or sometimes a little piece of cheese. Only sugar were the cookies, no ice cream, candy, cake... I did do a solo afternoon walk maybe 2 miles and actually came out of it without gaining weight, but I think it was the constant activity that kept it all in control for me.
    That's when I realized how much crap I was eating and started making nutritional changes. We are in the burbs and don't have access to eateries without driving and even the trendy restaurants have don't have enough lean choices. And they are all healthy as far as no cholesterol issues, diabetes, HBP... So go figure, I guess it can be done.
  • nanastaci2020
    nanastaci2020 Posts: 1,072 Member
    At some point you have to find a way to 'live' outside of your bubble. If that means having a reasonable amount of wine, or enjoying a social setting without having wine or finding a lower calorie alternative to wine: you get to figure out what works for you. Fave restaurants? Explore their menus. You can probably find new favorite dishes, or even try out new restaurants. Introduce some physical activities like hiking or other things suitable for your area.

    Keep in mind: maintenance should mean more calories than when you were losing.
  • rockconner
    rockconner Posts: 75 Member
    Congratulations on reaching your goal! When he notices that you've shrunk tell it's because you eat & drink differently now. Say it not defiantly but confidently. It will take a time for him to realize all that means. When he offers something you don't want, just decline politely. Take the time to weigh & measure portions without reservation. Demonstrate that when eating & drinking your new way you can both have a good time. Calm any fears about how his life might suffer from your new way of eating & drinking. We guys can be egocentric & selfish. He may worry about what this could cost him. Whether it's laughs, sex, companionship, or whatever, make sure he understands that he'll love you just the way you are now!
  • Talan79
    Talan79 Posts: 782 Member
    Girl I’m so proud of you and happy that you reached your goal! You have always had drops on the scale tho after some pizza and wine lol!
    Totally jelly of that. He knows how important this was to you & he will understand that it won’t be a nightly thing. Enjoy your date nights and drinks here and there. You’ll be fine. Hugs.
  • richardgavel
    richardgavel Posts: 1,001 Member
    You said this would be like a mini honeymoon. Do you think he will see it that way, in terms of it being like doing the things you might do on a vacation, where it might be OK to splurge a bit. Or will it be more like going back to what he expected normal practice might be once you are back together long term?
  • CeeBeeSlim
    CeeBeeSlim Posts: 1,347 Member
    @Talan79 I was123.2 today!!!! Can you believe it?! I’m gonna try and see if 121 is doable! And you’re right. I’m just so afraid that after the pizza and wine, I’ll have a taste for Thai, then sushi, then Ethiopian, then Dominican.., etc - being in NY all of these and more are in like a three block radius!! So maybe it’s not just him - maybe it’s my fear of not being able to control myself once I have one indulgent meal.

    @richardgavel - I think in the short term it will be a splurge - ordering in from our fav restaurants. Then maybe a twice a week ordering in from the places we like. I plan to tell him - which I expect to be the truth - that the sodium won’t agree with me. I have sooooo cut down on salt that anything with salt now tastes like the sea!
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,183 Member
    CeeBeeSlim wrote: »
    @Talan79 I was123.2 today!!!! Can you believe it?! I’m gonna try and see if 121 is doable! And you’re right. I’m just so afraid that after the pizza and wine, I’ll have a taste for Thai, then sushi, then Ethiopian, then Dominican.., etc - being in NY all of these and more are in like a three block radius!! So maybe it’s not just him - maybe it’s my fear of not being able to control myself once I have one indulgent meal.

    @richardgavel - I think in the short term it will be a splurge - ordering in from our fav restaurants. Then maybe a twice a week ordering in from the places we like. I plan to tell him - which I expect to be the truth - that the sodium won’t agree with me. I have sooooo cut down on salt that anything with salt now tastes like the sea!

    If that's the plan, then some kind of calorie banking approach might suit you. Personally, I eat maybe 150ish calories under maintenance most days, then spend those extra calories on indulgence once a week or so. Some people do 5:2 intermittent fasting to lose weight (5 days maintenance calories, 2 days at around 500 or some such low number); one could do a more moderate version for maintenance, if it worked well for them.

    I feel like figuring out how to tailor one's habits to one's preferences and needs is part of what it takes for successful weight maintenance. Lots of different variations are possible; the question is which one(s) fit best.
  • baby_shelea99
    baby_shelea99 Posts: 2 Member
    Hello CeeBeeSlim. You and your husband connect over food and the memories you share with each meal. Maybe not all is lost. Instead of going to the restaurant to have that meal and drink why not start a new tradition where you recreate the meals at home. This will do several things: still give you the ability to connect over the things you love connecting over, help you with portion control (since we all know restaurants give you 2 to 3 times the portion size), and may give you the ability to look for ways to make the meals healthier with some substitutions. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a meal you love and a couple of drinks once a week. As long as you stay on the right path after that day it will not completely derail your progress. And if your husband enjoys cooking then this might be a win win situation all around. Good luck.
  • flagrantavidity
    flagrantavidity Posts: 218 Member
    edited July 2020
    Similar situation, different perspective. In January my dad had a heart attack, I was on FMLA 900 miles away taking care of my father for three months. I quit drinking and all my other bad habits while my dad recovered. I told my wife that I stopped drinking and started paying attention to my health again. I got home in march right when quarantines really started. I still haven't had a drink in 136 days, she supports my decision - she hasn't drank either but I never asked her not to. If my wife wants to drink, she can drink all she wants, I choose not to and she supports me. My focus on my health has influenced her, she got herself an underdesk elliptical while she is working at home and does that while she is in her meetings.

    My wife and I have the support of one another, we love each other for who we are, not for drinking with each other :blush: I am sure your husband will be just fine with your decision. I don't expect my wife not to drink, I would never tell her what to do though - she made that choice on her own and its been nice but not necessary. She is not bugging me to go to restaurants, but she does ask me to weigh my own food LOL that is our compromise - she wont weight her or my food but she is more conscience what she is putting in her body through osmosis.

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