How to explain this to hubby?

CeeBeeSlim

Long story short, I’ve been away from my husband since Feb due to COVID - taking care of elderly parents out of state. In that time, I have not only reached 2 pounds under my ultimate goal weight, but I’m aiming for another 2-3 lb loss.

I know when i head back home next week it will be like a mini-honeymoon, but I know the things he’s been wanting to do together I won’t want to do - wine, rum punches, fav restaurants (take out or delivery only) etc. These were always so much fun but I know now - having cooked my own food since Feb - they did not help with any weight loss efforts.

How do I say “thanks but not thanks” to 90% of what we wants to do together without zapping all the fun from finally enjoying summer - as best we can? Enjoy it all but stay under calories with very small portions (slippery slope)? Just tell him I only want to eat our cooked food - boring! He knows how important reaching this goal was for me - he just thought I looked great before.

Thoughts?

Pool_Boy

Just tell him, if he really supports you then he will understand and want what's best for you!

veganbettie

Given the fact that you've been apart so long, I would probably try to just fit everything into my calories. Otherwise I would just explain the situation, but you're not going to gain all the weight back from a few meals. Either way I would explain it to him and just say I wasn't going to overindulge.

glittersupernova

Congratulations, first of all, on reaching your goal weight! And a big thank you to you for taking care of elderly patients in need during such a difficult time.

I think one of the most important things to do, when talking with your husband, is echoing how much these recent health/lifestyle changes have helped you to feel your best and healthiest. Perhaps think of some fun/new ideas and ways of celebrating together so you can share/have them ready to present when talking with him. Even if it is celebrating with food, you can introduce him to new but healthy foods/drinks you’ve discovered on your health journey.

It’s not always best to take your first approach with what others are doing wrong/whatever you feel might sabotage your goals. That approach can make some people feel defensive, attacked, or easily disappointed. Instead, it can be beneficial to first approach him with what Does work for you, what Will and Does make you feel good and happy (e.g. again, food and plans that work for your new lifestyle). As others have said here, someone who loves you will support and understand what makes you feel Happiest/your healthiest.

It may not be an easy adjustment for him, but I think there’s definitely an effective approach in how you can talk about it. You can bring plenty of enthusiasm to the table about New Traditions you can make together! In a time like this where there can be a lot of monotony, new traditions aren’t a bad thing! 😁 He might even appreciate it more than you’d expect!

Wishing you all the best and congratulations again!

rapisport1351

You know, cooking&preparing meals together is just as - if not more - fun. The odd glass of wine while working in the kitchen should be offset by all that moving around.

Leezy55

Well I went to visit in-laws in Chicago for a month. True foodies that eat out every single night! No fast food just good restaurants including celebrity level. They truly loved taking us out and enjoying all the different neighborhood restaurants. After 2 nights I figured I just couldn't do it. So what I did was 1. ordered from the appetizer menu. My best appetizer was at an Italian place i had a 3 meatball dish, large meatballs almost the size of tennis balls with grated mozzarella and a glass of wine. 2. Other times I stuck to lean chicken dishes, no sauces just grill types. 3. Omelettes. The dishes tended to be large so I made it a point if it looked high calorie I ate half and took the other half home for my husband to have for lunch the next day. They also tended to buy fresh baked cookies every couple days. I tried to do a lot of walking to burn off calories. FYI they are all super thin if they gained 10-20 lbs they would still be in normal range! Difficult part was staying away from the bread basket. Remember food isn't the problem it's amount.
Hope your husband appreciates your accomplishment.

worsthorse

congrats on hitting your goals. that's pretty awesome!

being back together after months of being apart is likely to have its rocky patches anyway, even if you didn't want to negotiate changes you'd like to make in your life style, so my first suggestion is go slowly.

then consider two things... first, don't wait until you are in the same room to start talking about what you'd like to do differently. second, stay open to how the changes happen and over what time frame. if you try to force this, or make the changes non-negotiable, you may get agreement in the short term but it is unlikely to work out well in the long term.

put yourself in your partner's shoes. if he made some fundamental changes to the way he lives while you were away, how would you want him to work with you to make that work for both of you? would you be happy if he just dropped it on you when you walked in the door?

this will be harder for you than if he just says, okay whatever you want but figuring out how to make things work when we don't get exactly what we want when we want it is the nature of being in a committed relationship.

good luck!

freshstart180213

Congrats great job! honestly tho I would just opt for honesty he loves you and will only want to support you the fact is he loved you just as much before so he will be just as supportive and loving as before don't sell him short equally now your weight loss journey chapter is almost at an end this now becomes both a maintenance as well as a staying on track chapter you won't go thro your whole life without an occasional takeaway or a cheeky drink the key is one don't sell yourself short you have worked hard and got here so it doesn't have to be a slippery slope find your balance and two occasional treats are fine this isn't just weight loss this is a fresh start life choice and the only way to find that is balance it's probably the trickiest part of weight loss and it is probably why the rest of us keep coming back here because we identify that we need to get back on it

goodasgoldilox165

Well done so far.

Don't worry - be positive - go to him full of exciting plans that don't involve too many calories.

Really of course, he wants to be with you and enjoy your company and your happiness.

He is looking at things you used to do - by default- not because they are the best.

Think about it - they probably aren't best anyway. Heavy food/drink is not romantic at all.

New things could easily be even better.

What lively -exciting -fun things can you come up with? It doesn't all have to be drinking/eating but some of it could be: What amazing special just-for-you-my-love-intimate-dinners could you prepare? (Take-outs can be really bland and boring. I've gone off them... and taken my family with me so far. The two of you could easily do better than you can buy. Especially if you use the same budget.)

Leezy55

goodasgoldilox165 wrote: »

Well done so far.

Don't worry - be positive - go to him full of exciting plans that don't involve too many calories.

Really of course, he wants to be with you and enjoy your company and your happiness.

He is looking at things you used to do - by default- not because they are the best.

Think about it - they probably aren't best anyway. Heavy food/drink is not romantic at all.

New things could easily be even better.

What lively -exciting -fun things can you come up with? It doesn't all have to be drinking/eating but some of it could be: What amazing special just-for-you-my-love-intimate-dinners could you prepare? (Take-outs can be really bland and boring. I've gone off them... and taken my family with me so far. The two of you could easily do better than you can buy. Especially if you use the same budget.)

Yes! And what about picnics or romantic picnics, after a great hike, biking or long walk. Or create your own architectural walk or historic or sightseeing walk and then have a picnic.

Motorsheen

CeeBeeSlim wrote: »

How do I say “thanks but not thanks” to 90% of what we wants to do together? ]

Naked.

Problem Solved.

You're Welcome.

mommaspizzaland

You are going to be looking so amazing to him he will be keeping you on the diet well after the mini honeymoon phase! So I would not be worried about it. Now if he's the type to get jealous he might be trying to feed you back up to your pre-weight loss to keep all that non-hubby attention you'll be getting so watch out for that because my hub's said he subconsciously would do that by ordering pizza's and other very high carb and fried nummy's. I quit smoking years ago so I knew I could do this, and so can you. I used to be a skin-pin up to my mid 40's and my sudden menopause weight gain has been the most resistant ever to lose but as long as I have no more than 1100 cals a day I can eat what I want and make better choices to stretch the calories. I don't ever count my workout calories as meaning I can eat more that day, that's just chasing your own tail. Most important is how great I feel and having more energy is the best of all. Keep doing it!

katicasi82

Amazing - not only have you reached your goal, you did so while doing something truly noble! Fair play! I agree with Motorsheen and with a few others too - Cooking does not have to be boring you can cook together, find a recipe for a dish you would normally order in and get busy! Take-away is very often far duller than you recall! Also - enjoy the reunion

katicasi82

Leezy55 wrote: »

Well I went to visit in-laws in Chicago for a month. True foodies that eat out every single night! No fast food just good restaurants including celebrity level. They truly loved taking us out and enjoying all the different neighborhood restaurants. After 2 nights I figured I just couldn't do it. So what I did was 1. ordered from the appetizer menu. My best appetizer was at an Italian place i had a 3 meatball dish, large meatballs almost the size of tennis balls with grated mozzarella and a glass of wine. 2. Other times I stuck to lean chicken dishes, no sauces just grill types. 3. Omelettes. The dishes tended to be large so I made it a point if it looked high calorie I ate half and took the other half home for my husband to have for lunch the next day. They also tended to buy fresh baked cookies every couple days. I tried to do a lot of walking to burn off calories. FYI they are all super thin if they gained 10-20 lbs they would still be in normal range! Difficult part was staying away from the bread basket. Remember food isn't the problem it's amount.
Hope your husband appreciates your accomplishment.

HOW???? If I ate like that I'd be dead!

Jacq_qui

katicasi82 wrote: »

Take-away is very often far duller than you recall!

I completely agree, we had a take out for the first time since March a few weeks back - I was so disappointed. Not bothered about doing it again in a hurry! The memories were better than the reality!

Sand_TIger

Personally I'd go with an honest approach, leading up to it before your reunion, like others have said. Maybe ask him if there's some kind of thing he's always wanted to try that you could do together. I wouldn't cut out the fancy dinners, but I would plan ahead (like look up their menus online and pick some options that fit within your goals so you don't have to decide when the time comes) and choose restaurants that will have healthier options. It's what I used to do when my company took me out for a team lead/supervisor lunch. I'd pick some kind of rockin' ahi salad or something that I could box up half of.

Letting him in on the process so he feels included, even opening up to him about your worries and asking for his help, will probably activate his protective side and have him bending over backwards to help you. Also, if you keep in mind that on a restaurant day you might eat a little more but it's important to get back on track right away, it doesn't have to become a slippery slope.

Finally - when you do have that special night out, enjoy it for all it's worth even if it involves food! Focusing on the whole experience, including mindful eating, will help you feel more satisfied and also give you a better memory of the occasion. I think some of us become afraid of enjoying food because we've harmed ourselves with it.

skennelly3163

I do go out to eat and to parties but I plan ahead and actually decide what I want.. Log it before I go and stick to it. Stick to light beers and hard seltzers if you want to have a drink .. or just diet soda or water. You don't have to drink to have a good time. Here is another idea. If your husband wants to order out use the half rule. Take half your dinner and put it in a container as soon as you get it. Eat half and have the other half for lunch the next day. I bought an air fryer toaster oven so I can make a lot of the favorite take out foods at home but much healthier. I love playing with the recipes and making them light. Tonight I made a Mexican meal that was less than 300 calories a serving and my son never noticed it was a diet dinner. It can be done.. You're doing great already just keep on doing what you're doing but you don't have to stop living just because you want to lose weight.

CeeBeeSlim

This is all very helpful. Appreciable the responses. I don’t have to be a total wet blanket! I need to trust myself and know I can handle this - even if I have to “hide” or “discard” some of the portions when he’s not looking. 😂😂 I like the ideas of using my new cooking activity to have us make meals together and learn new things. He’s a foodie and I purchased him a MasterClass subscription - he loves the food and wine lessons. Before I head up I can let him know what I’ve been doing and suggest how much fun it would be to get some kitchen gadgets, new pots, and try some things.

He’s just been sending me photos of his mixed drinks he wants to enjoy on the deck and names of the restaurants we like, so all I could imagine is the number on the scale slowly increasing. As I write this tho, I had an epiphany that he may think that what he is sending me is what he thinks I want - when it isn’t!

@Motorsheen - well, dayum! 😂

Whew, feel much better now. Thanks!!

The_Movie_Chair

Super! Congrats on reaching your goal weight.

I a lesson years ago when I gave up up smoking. Life around me went on the way it always did. People still smoked, they did not care that I didn't. It was me who had to adjust, not the people around me. "Permanent results, require permanent changes."

Make a plan, accept the fact that you are not perfect (but damn close to it) and enjoy life to the fullest -in moderation of course.

I have lost 156 pounds. I love(d) going out for dinner and very often asked the chef for help when I couldn't find anything that suited not just my taste, but also my health-based dietary restrictions. As for alcohol. Enjoy it in moderation.

kickingitup

Congrats on your success first of all. I had the same problems with my husband but we came into agreement that at meal times he will eat whatever he wishes to (this includes home cooked meals, takeouts, deliveries) and I will eat the meals i prepared ahead. When we do go out, I just order something that's within my calories allowance. This seems to work for us. You may want to try something like this out.Don't be afraid to tell him what is best for you, you be surprise how understanding he can be. Good luck and I hope you two will find a way to balance this out.

charmmeth

Congratulations on your success. I do sympathise with your situation. My husband and I were also apart for over three months. After a splurge after Easter, I managed to get into a really good routine of eating within my limits and exercising daily. Now we are back together he is plying me with wine and lovely cocktails! Also, although restaurants are still shut so that we cook a lot together, it is harder to weigh everything when we do, and his idea of a small portion and mine are often somewhat out of synch. Plus I still need to establish my exercise routine again. I have been refelcting on how hard it is to change the patterns of a relationship, and particularly of what defines a treat. I wish you luck!