Lost in Maintenance

springlering62

I’ve begun obsessing over scale weight and not paying attention to appearance, until my trainer tactfully showed me the video this still comes from Wednesday. I was horrified. I look like granddaddy long legs. She lovingly told me it’s too much, I’m visibly losing muscle, that she’s been there, too, etc etc. We had a long discussion.



I hurt everywhere, all the time, from too much exercise. My joints have begun aching again the last few nights, interrupting sleep.

I’ve become obsessed with motivational rings, challenges, unbroken sequences of accomplishments. They were so helpful at first but now seem to run my life.

Logging since Thanksgiving has been a cluster. Feast or famine. I thought I’d be back in control after New Years, but yesterday was off the rails.

I eat, but feel like the more I eat, the hungrier I am. I had a huge grilled chicken salad for lunch and am still ravenous. The past few weeks feels like long hollow periods between snacks and meals, literally counting the minutes.

It’s time to reevaluate. My head is spinning. I recognize now I need to up calories, and put back on at least a couple of pounds if I’m planning to keep humping it at this rate. Otoh that’s what’s tearing up shoulders and butt

I was in a funk all yesterday because she ordered me to take a day off. I was boredom eating and climbing the walls, weepy because I couldn’t do anything. I literally felt like an addict looking for their next fix. I got a lot of steps simply prowling the house.

Feels like the wheels are coming off all of a sudden.

Just reaching out because I know others here probably have similar experiences.

Talk me down from the cliff, lol.

ETA: I’m actually working out less the past month than usual because I’m tired and run down.

tuckerrj

Once the weight has come off, it's REALLY hard to admit it might be too much and put a little back on. I went from 248 to 173 and was so weak, tired and achy, much like you described. I put back on about 8 lbs. and trimmed my lifting sessions to one hour maximum (usually less) and I'm starting to feel pretty good again. My lifts are going back up, and my energy level is up. I don't use it to exercise, but I do a little yard work, dishes, grocery shopping, running errands, etc. It was kind of a 'lean/slow' bulk at about 1/2 to 3/4 lb. a week. Strangely enough, I'm still on the same notch in my belt, so it seems i've replenished the glycogen in my muscles and not just packed it back on my waist. You're gonna be fine. Taking it slow, to put it back on worked well for me.

Hollis100

springlering62 wrote: »

I hurt everywhere, all the time, from too much exercise. My joints have begun aching again the last few nights, interrupting sleep.

I’ve become obsessed with motivational rings, challenges, unbroken sequences of accomplishments. They were so helpful at first but now seem to run my life.

I would find a peaceful activity that genuinely interests you that has little or nothing to do with fitness -- take an online class, start a garden (indoors if need be), volunteer for a charity, something productive that truly interests you. Commit some time to it every week in order to break this cycle.

That, and perhaps at least one counseling session. You climbed a mountain and it looks like you're stuck still climbing. My very best wishes to you.

AshHeartsJesus

Oh I am sorry you are in a rut! I know others on here will have good advice and tips!
LORD JESUS guide 💟

AnnPT77

Oh, @springlering62! I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It's a story I've seen, but not lived enough to have any kind of decent comment or advice at all . . . just some caring, hopes that others can come through with something better (as some already have), and heartfelt hopes you will find a path. I know you will!

sijomial

Sorry to hear you are struggling as you are such an inspirational person on these boards.

As a fellow "not quite as young as I used to be" high volume / high ambition exerciser it is a struggle when you have to reluctantly accept that aging does mean some compromise. Managing a long list of old injuries is also a frustration - I get regularly told off when I complain about aches and pains that deep down I know if I was more sensible I could mitigate. (In my mind sensible sounds far too close to senile!! )

I'm very goal oriented and self-competitive, that hasn't changed in 40+ years and I have to recognise it is a part of me that I have to work around with pros and cons. It’s driven me but also hurt me from time to time.

Just some things that have helped me to a degree and some might strike a chord with you (sorry for the wall of text!)......
My recovery from injury simply isn't as good as it was and the avoidance of injury and over-training / over-use injuries becomes a bigger factor in progressing. A younger me would always default to "if pushing hard doesn't work then push harder" but I've had enough examples of injury undoing months of progress to know I have to rein myself in. My primary goal in the gym is strength but I tend to train in a pyramid style (sub-optimal for strength) to avoid long periods rehabbing.

A huge mental issue for me this year was to accept that either I modified by bench press technique to protect my lower back or accept constant pain. Logically it makes no sense that dropping a few pounds on the bar should even be an issue compared to being able to get out of bed easily, I'm just an old duffer lifting for pleasure after all. But it's my one good lift and a bit of a vanity lift.....
I've found that including a wider variety of lifts/exercises and sometimes training in a hypertrophy style is actually fun and I can enjoy the session purely as an activity without feeling I have to chase big numbers.

On the weight side I got to the point in my cycling training it was clear that to improve my power to weight ratio dropping weight was going to be the fastest way to progress. But going from maintaining easily at a comfortable and easy to maintain weight and with eating freedom to being cold, hungry, tired and feeling like I was on a constant diet simply wasn't worth it for a recreational cyclist. There's an exercise/life balance to be found.

I read Joe Friel's book Fast After 50 and although it's cardio focussed the ideas around periodisation of training still apply in the gym, hard training blocks shouldn't last forever. If you are following a plan with recovery or consolidation phases it's easier to accept progress isn't linear. Do remember when you resume training to tell your trainer how you feel on those days when deep down you know it’s the wrong day to push hard, train for you and not to impress them. Sounds like you have a good trainer but they can't read your mind!

This will pass - be kind to yourself.

springlering62

Thanks for the advice, y’all, especially @tuckerrj and @sijomial I respect you two immensely.

The problem is two fold.

Mindset: if I can do this, then I can add this, and aren’t I strong and special. I keep trying to increase things, be the best in the class. My mind knows it’s beyond ridiculous for a woman who is 58 and was obese until eighteen months ago to think this. My heart thinks it’s a tiger and forgets the body is aging. I absolutely hate showing weakness.

I’ve had many pet birds, including one little guy who’s going in twenty years old. Birds will not show weakness because it’s a sign to predators (and other birds) that they are vulnerable. They can be ready to drop dead but will show perky and happy, unless you catch them off guard, and they just droop. When I think about backing off some yoga pose or asking to have the weight dropped, I grit my teeth and try harder, and think of that silly little bird.

Sometimes, my “tiger heart” is simply a lovebird.

Doing the welcome thing has also immersed me in other people’s intro posts, an area of the boards I’d ignored previously. It’s killing me to see so many people who succeeded but then gained it all back starting over. That fear already nips me in the heels, and this has compounded it. Plus I want soooooo badly to see others succeed.

So, in the spirit of welcoming “do you have a plan? Do you have a goal?” posts,

*I’m going to increase my weight five pounds

*I’m going to try eating more calories daily, using MFP’s system of TDEE+exercise calories, instead of the “fixed” calories system I’ve used since the beginning

*I’m going to stop doing back-to-back mat classes, and fewer of them. A lot of the pain problem is simply over stretching. I have to stop trying to be the “most in the pose” of anyone in the room. It’s not like I get a trophy for it. Some of that goes back to being the fattest person in the room and feeling like I needed to prove myself

*I can’t give up my daily walks or power walks. I usually do several miles in the morning and again before dinner. I can not sit on that chair for more than a couple of hours or I will go insane. I tried for two days and ended up swapping furniture from room to room out of sheer boredom, which was like a gym workout itself. So I will have to factor the walks in.

@Hollis100 thabks for the suggestions. I do volunteer, but my museum is closed for the holidays, and most the other volunteer opportunities around here are not utilizing volunteers due to Covid. I was supposed to start at the DA’s office as a volunteer back in August, and they just can’t accommodate the help right now.

I appreciate the hobby suggestion, but I’ve crocheted three large blankets, made eight needlepoint pillows, a beaded table runner, hats for seniors, and countless other projects since lockdown in March. Even repainted the entire interior of the house. Right now, I’m in painfully translated negotiations with a seller in Ukraine to buy a bunch of bead kits from them so I’ll have something to do when my current project is done. If “grandmillenial” style is in, as all my magazines say, I’m ahead of that curve, lol.

sijomial

The difference in body weight for me between hungry/miserable and satisfied/happy was only 5 to 7lbs.
(I wasn't even very lean at the lower weight let alone ripped, shredded or whatever the current lingo is.)

Not showing weakness thing resonates. On a skiing holiday when I had recently badly prolapsed a disc a friend and physio said "just for a second your mask dropped when you thought no-one was watching, you are in a world of pain aren't you?".
But the one person you must confide in is your trainer. It will help them adjust the training load better and that's a huge part of the job you are paying them to do.

I think your decision to change to the eat back exercise calories method is a good one to reinforce the train like an athlete, eat like an athlete mind-set.

MaltedTea

"Sometimes, my 'tiger heart' is simply a lovebird." 😌

My dear @springlering62 such self-awareness is a gift. Love all your insights above on your next steps! You are bound to succeed in whatever you choose to do.

Maintenance is an unruly beast in my mind...and I've yet to even get there. Seeing you walk the path, however straight or crooked, is helpful to me and plenty of others. Thank you for sharing so openly.

spiriteagle99

I can definitely relate to your post. After a lifetime of yoyo dieting, I've been stable for the past several years, mostly by doing a lot of exercise (running and walking mostly) and being careful with what I eat. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and am shocked at how skinny (not thin) I am. My arms are twigs, my ribs show and my back is all bones. OTOH, I look at my strong muscular legs and still think I'm too fat.

I have enjoyed running races since I began running a few years ago, so every year I have trained for a marathon and one or more half marathons. I have done well at them, usually getting an age group award. For someone who was never athletic, it has been a lot of fun to do something so unlikely. When my marathon last year was cancelled, I cut back on the long runs, but maintained 35-40 mpw. There was no reason for that, except pride. I am 64 and I hurt pretty much every day, mostly arthritis in hands and feet and chronic hamstring/glute pain. In December, I began another training cycle for a spring marathon. It was cancelled last week and a part of me was relieved, because it meant I wouldn't have to hurt as much as I know I would doing the long long runs. OTOH, now I'm stuck with the question of what do I do now? Sign up for another marathon? Wait to see if there are any spring half marathons? Just continue to run my 40 mpw for the hell of it?

My husband gave me a box of cashews for Christmas, and they've been sitting untouched because I'm afraid that once I open them, they'll all get eaten at once. An ounce of nuts isn't much and at 170 calories per ounce, I can't eat many, which is why I haven't had any for years. My head says that eating the whole pound would actually be a good thing, considering the lack of flesh on my bones, but after so many years of being careful, I am afraid of losing control.

So basically, I don't have any answers for you, except that I do understand.

Speakeasy76

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling and going through this right now. I have been where you are at different points in my life. I also really can relate to @sijomial 's post about aging and injuries and trying to push through (thank you).

I would lose weight and get to my goal weight, and then wanted to see if I could "lose a little more " I also have the tendency to become obsessive about calories, macros,steps, exercise, etc., which isn't healthy either. I think part of me overcoming this a bit was recognizing this about myself and knowing it won't completely go away. However, I've learned to manage it and recognize when I'm getting too obsessive. That's why I set my weight loss to lose those stubborn last 10 pounds at a slow pace.

I can definitely relate about wanting to be the strongest, most flexible etc. In a class or at the gym. I am not a person who likes to be the center of attention,but I AM a perfectionist (probably stemming from a sense of inadequacy in some way). The thing is, I'm 44 with a host of nagging chronic little injuries and pain. I'm getting better at trying to work around and not through it, but it's still hard for me.... especially when most of the women ( or girls, really) that are at my gym are at LEAST my age (if not less) and most likely don't have any pain.

I think going on daily walks is still a good idea,but I'm wondering if you could turn it into more of a mindfulness walk. So, the intent would be more in centering and grounding yourself, and the steps "earned" are just an added bonus.

I hope you are able to find your way back.

janejellyroll

Ooof, I read your post with the most intense "I've been there" feelings. That heady rush of exceeding your initial goals and figuring "why not more?" Pushing yourself hard because, well, pushing yourself hard has been the secret to your previous success. The roller coaster of not eating enough and then feeling like you're going off the rails. The good news is that you seem to be ahead of the game right now in that you realize you need to make some changes AND you've got a trainer in your corner who is there to give you constructive feedback.

It's not a good feeling when you initially realize that the drive and focus that brought you to your first set of goals may need some tweaking for your lifetime habits. I was a "have to exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY" person when I was losing weight and for the first period of my maintaining. It worked great for me . . . until it didn't. I had to revisit what success looked like when I was giving myself time to recover and have other -- non-physical -- goals in my life. In my case, it was a great thing. I spent more time on slower walks, I got into different fitness activities, I decluttered my apartment. I gained a bit of weight, but it was "good weight." I was still logging, but I was more flexible with myself. Once I felt refreshed I naturally went back to running (my activity of choice) more, but it was all about joy and fun -- not my nagging fear that I would bounce right back into being overweight if I didn't push myself hard every single day. It took me a while to realize I wasn't just a week away from being overweight anymore, I didn't have to approach every day like a struggle.

Maintaining is such a long period of most of our lives compared to active weight loss. It makes sense that our activities will have to adapt and we'll have different seasons. You will come out the other side from this, I know from your posts how strong and resilient and smart you are.

SummerSkier

I don't have a lot to add except one suggestion on your plan . You mentioned that you were eating to your TDEE vs BMR plus exercise. At the same time you also mention that you are not able to control your rollercoaster intake right now. My suggestion is that you just increase your TDEE allocation and stick with that. Maybe add 100 cals this week and after 2 weeks monitor and maybe you need to add more. For me trying to figure out how much to eat each day based on workouts is just not realistic and leads to a lot of hunger and rollercoaster type eating.

Self analysis and realization is always good. Me personally I stay away from the scale most of the time and look at my clothes fit and energy levels. I did not weigh myself for 6 months last year and ended up eating almost 200 more than my initial TDEE was calculated from weight loss. Still stayed just about the same when I did weigh at the end of the year.

Hope this helps but to me in maintenance you really need to look longer term and see what is triggering YOU personally and work on those items.

summerinTx

tuckerrj

Aching joints, interrupting sleep cries out "DELOAD". I had to look it up. But basically, I had to spend a week or two where I cut my weights, or my volume (number of sets) or BOTH in half. Even fewer workout days might also be called for.

springlering62

Just checking in. Much good advice here.

It’s only been a few days, but I’ve bumped up my calories by about 200 per day, and it feels absolutely luxurious. With those extra calories I’m able to get much closer to my macros than I ever have before.

Have been trying to cut back a bit on # of workouts. Mainly not walking and power walking as much, and backing off yoga poses that are aggravating existing injuries. PT has dropped the weight back and we are focusing on rebuilding the muscle she feels I’ve lost. Her workouts are still tough, tougher than ever tbh, just reverting to higher reps lower weight for a bit. Sleeping better and feeling stronger.

Extended family issues cropped up yet again the past few days, but feel more in control this month than last, and they should be resolved in the next few weeks, which will get them out of my hair. Haven’t felt the need to resort to the usual angst eating.

I guess this was simply a food (lack of consistent), nutrition and overwork issue, with an unhealthy dose of stress. It’s so easy to dole this advice out to others, yet so hard to accept for yourself.

You guys are the best. Hugs to all!!!

AshHeartsJesus

Aww I am glad you are feeling better!
LORD JESUS guide 💟

charmmeth

I am wondering how you are?

The weights you are lifting are way above what I would aspire to (I have just turned 57 myself), but I thought of you yesterday when I decided to go lighter on my weights for a workout because my elbows were still sore from the day before. (To put this in perspective, this was 2.5 kg DBs instead of 4 kgs - I meant the first phrase in this paragraph seriously!) I've worked up very slowly from finding 0.5 kgs heavy last May, and I really don't know how you lift the weghts you do! Anyway, I really hope your energy levels are back up, the family situation resolved, and that your body has stopped hurting.

DancingMoosie

I would consider taking a day (or week)off, not logging for a few days... basically like a vacation for the body and mind.