A Broken Man, But Better...
BendableButMendable
Posts: 60 Member
Full disclosure, I am not entirely comfortable posting this but it was strongly recommended by my therapist that I should. Hopefully it will reach someone who can be helped by it.
For most of my life I was in pretty good shape. I was active in sports and routinely got out of the house to go for bike rides or hikes. Unfortunately, for most of my life I was trying to ignore traumas, both from my youth and as an adult. I don’t intend to get into detail about those traumas, nor should it matter. Everyone has things they deal with (or don’t), what really matters is how each person handles it. For me, I had spent most of my life putting a fake smile on my face, cracking jokes, and pretending nothing was wrong. This was in the hopes that I could get my life into a good place and I would no longer have to pretend. As anyone that has tried to ignore problems for long periods of time can attest, that was a bad idea. Eventually my life was down to nothing but spending far too many hours at work and living off of fast food.
During the last job I worked, I gained around 30 pounds due to stress. This had happened to me once before when I was stuck working graveyard shifts for several years, but I was able to get that weight off when I got onto a better schedule. This time around the weight gain wasn’t due to that as I was working a daytime shift (although routinely 70+ hours a week) it was purely due to the stresses of a toxic work environment and having nothing to offset that in my personal life. Eventually the problems at that job become so severe that I could no longer continue working there. I drove my self home, sat on my couch, and started streaming whatever show or movie would distract me. That is where I stayed, from early 2016 to today I have been a reclusive shut in. When that job ended, it was the severance of my last tie to the outside world. I have no family, no friends, and no significant other. I haven’t for quite some time. So when I say I stayed on my couch I mean it. I would only leave my apartment every few months to get groceries. I know how this probably comes across to anyone reading it, but I’m not saying any of this in an attempt to get pity or elicit some kind of reaction. I am giving these details to hopefully provide the appropriate context for my situation in case anyone else feels alone.
For years I lived on delivery pizza and sub sandwiches. I ordered so often that I became embarrassed about how often I would see the same delivery driver and worried what they must think of me. I did not have an issue with binging; rather I would eat the pizzas over the course of two or three days. But pizza only lasts so long before you need to reorder… That diet, combined with the fact that I was laying down for 23+ hours a day for years lead me to a max weight of 250 pounds (that I know of) with my muscles almost to point of atrophy. I know that 250 pounds is not a lot for some, but for me it was enough to cause pain in my knees on the rare occasions I would venture upstairs to shower or change clothes as well as other health concerns.
In February 2020, my savings were running out after being unemployed for four years, but I did not feel capable of working a regular job. I decided that I needed to lose weight and regain some functional strength before I felt able to apply anywhere. I delayed for a while but in March 2020 I signed up for a week free trial to a gym just down the street from me. I was terrified to go in but I did. I went for six straight days and was heading in for the seventh with the intent of buying a membership. When I got to the doors of the gym I saw that it had closed due to the pandemic. For the next few months I tried to work out at home but I couldn’t really get anything going with that, my apartment had been my prison for years and motivation was in short supply. I had decided that I would no longer eat fast food or delivery anymore though and that I would cook for myself. The pandemic actually made this easier for me as I’m a bit of a germaphobe so I wasn’t comfortable with delivery at that point anyway. By the time the gym opened back up in June 2020 I had lost 20 pounds just from eating food I made myself. I wasn’t using MFP or measuring/weighing anything at that point; it was just the change in food. When the gym opened again I went regularly (~3 days a week) for about three months, losing another 20-25 pounds and gaining back some functional strength. Eventually COVID case counts got too high and the gym wasn’t enforcing its mask mandate so I had to put my membership on hold because I didn’t feel safe going anymore.
Around the same time I stopped going to the gym I started using MFP. I had realized that I hadn’t been eating enough and was getting dizzy and light headed often. I estimate that I had been eating 1100 – 1200 calories a day, so I started using MFP to make sure I didn’t under-eat anymore. As of today I have logged almost every calorie I’ve eaten for the past 280 days. Unfortunately, once I stopped going to the gym it was back to laying down all day and night so I lost a lot of the strength I had started to gain, but by sticking to my calorie goal I continued to lose weight.
From March of 2020 to March 2021 I went from 250 pounds (I believe) to 170 pounds. I didn’t really have a goal weight in mind but I kind of expected to be around 185 since that was my healthy weight previously. Unfortunately that was when I had more muscle. The goals I set for myself were according to body fat percentage. I started out at 39% and am currently 17%. My first goal was to get under 35%, which would take me out of the “morbidly obese” category and put me into the “obese” category. From there it was to get under 25% to “borderline obese” and then to get to under 20% to get to the healthy range. My last goal was to get under 15%, this is kind of arbitrary but I was under that for most of my life and I’d like to get back to it.
I am no longer trying to lose weight (I was 168 pounds last week), so I am trying out 2100 calories a day as a maintenance goal and I have returned to the gym the last two weeks (I am now vaccinated) to try and get stronger and lean out.
I can’t really list all the ways things are better, partly because I don’t even know myself. The reason I keep qualifying my max weight is because I didn’t have the courage to weigh myself until I had already started losing some weight and then it was just less than 250 pounds. I have not been to a doctor for a long time so I don’t know how bad my blood pressure or cholesterol or any of the other usual issues got or how they are now. I know that my resting heart rate went from 84 to 60 beats per minute, I know that I no longer get heartburn regularly, I know that I no longer get regular headaches (I attributed those to blood sugar and blood pressure but I don’t know for sure), and I know that my plant based diet (long time vegetarian) and the amount of fiber and healthy fats I eat should have had a positive impact on any cholesterol issues I may have had. I can walk upstairs without hurting. I can sweep or mop my floor without sweating out a gallon of fluid and feeling like I might have a heart attack. I can look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted with the person I see looking back at me. I no longer worry about the thoughts or stares of other. I also no longer wake myself up with my snoring (sleep apnea?), whether or not I still snore I don’t know but I know it isn’t as bad anymore.
I am lucky that I am a fairly tall person with a broad build. Thankfully I carried the extra weight fairly well and avoided any major loose skin. It’s still there on my stomach, especially noticeable when I’m in a prone position (pushups or planks) and it’s somewhat noticeable on my sides when I lay down, it kind of “pools” around me. But those are small prices to pay to have my physical health back.
I don’t want to mislead anyone; I’m still very broken. Losing the weight didn’t do anything to address my traumas. I am still unemployed and terrified to leave my apartment and interact with people, and other than going to the gym I am still basically bed ridden. I am working with a therapist on those issues, but they are going to take a lot more time and effort than the weight loss.
I apologize for the lengthy post and if I included too many personal details. I wanted to be thorough in case there is anyone reading this that is afraid to start on their journey because they think they would need to live at a gym or start running marathons. If you have doubts about your ability to accomplish losing weight, I promise you can do it if you just stick with it. Be smart about what you eat and how much of it you eat. I’d be lying to you if I told you I didn’t have candy or ice cream during my weight loss, I absolutely did. But I tracked the calories and didn’t go over my limit. If you set a smart calorie goal and stick to that for long enough you will lose the weight. If you have doubts, just remember that I did it while being basically bedridden; it just takes small, consistent steps. I believe in you.
P.s. I apologize for what I’m sure is a great deal of typos, but this wasn’t very easy for me to write and I don’t really have it in me go back through it with a fine-toothed comb.
P.p.s. I know how these forums work and I expect that this post will receive some very supportive feedback (and hopefully minimal negative feedback), but as I said, interacting with people is not easy for me. I will do my best to respond or answer any questions that may be asked but I can’t really make any promises in that regard. Please don’t take offense if I don’t respond to you in a timely manner, or at all. All I can say is that I’ll try.
For most of my life I was in pretty good shape. I was active in sports and routinely got out of the house to go for bike rides or hikes. Unfortunately, for most of my life I was trying to ignore traumas, both from my youth and as an adult. I don’t intend to get into detail about those traumas, nor should it matter. Everyone has things they deal with (or don’t), what really matters is how each person handles it. For me, I had spent most of my life putting a fake smile on my face, cracking jokes, and pretending nothing was wrong. This was in the hopes that I could get my life into a good place and I would no longer have to pretend. As anyone that has tried to ignore problems for long periods of time can attest, that was a bad idea. Eventually my life was down to nothing but spending far too many hours at work and living off of fast food.
During the last job I worked, I gained around 30 pounds due to stress. This had happened to me once before when I was stuck working graveyard shifts for several years, but I was able to get that weight off when I got onto a better schedule. This time around the weight gain wasn’t due to that as I was working a daytime shift (although routinely 70+ hours a week) it was purely due to the stresses of a toxic work environment and having nothing to offset that in my personal life. Eventually the problems at that job become so severe that I could no longer continue working there. I drove my self home, sat on my couch, and started streaming whatever show or movie would distract me. That is where I stayed, from early 2016 to today I have been a reclusive shut in. When that job ended, it was the severance of my last tie to the outside world. I have no family, no friends, and no significant other. I haven’t for quite some time. So when I say I stayed on my couch I mean it. I would only leave my apartment every few months to get groceries. I know how this probably comes across to anyone reading it, but I’m not saying any of this in an attempt to get pity or elicit some kind of reaction. I am giving these details to hopefully provide the appropriate context for my situation in case anyone else feels alone.
For years I lived on delivery pizza and sub sandwiches. I ordered so often that I became embarrassed about how often I would see the same delivery driver and worried what they must think of me. I did not have an issue with binging; rather I would eat the pizzas over the course of two or three days. But pizza only lasts so long before you need to reorder… That diet, combined with the fact that I was laying down for 23+ hours a day for years lead me to a max weight of 250 pounds (that I know of) with my muscles almost to point of atrophy. I know that 250 pounds is not a lot for some, but for me it was enough to cause pain in my knees on the rare occasions I would venture upstairs to shower or change clothes as well as other health concerns.
In February 2020, my savings were running out after being unemployed for four years, but I did not feel capable of working a regular job. I decided that I needed to lose weight and regain some functional strength before I felt able to apply anywhere. I delayed for a while but in March 2020 I signed up for a week free trial to a gym just down the street from me. I was terrified to go in but I did. I went for six straight days and was heading in for the seventh with the intent of buying a membership. When I got to the doors of the gym I saw that it had closed due to the pandemic. For the next few months I tried to work out at home but I couldn’t really get anything going with that, my apartment had been my prison for years and motivation was in short supply. I had decided that I would no longer eat fast food or delivery anymore though and that I would cook for myself. The pandemic actually made this easier for me as I’m a bit of a germaphobe so I wasn’t comfortable with delivery at that point anyway. By the time the gym opened back up in June 2020 I had lost 20 pounds just from eating food I made myself. I wasn’t using MFP or measuring/weighing anything at that point; it was just the change in food. When the gym opened again I went regularly (~3 days a week) for about three months, losing another 20-25 pounds and gaining back some functional strength. Eventually COVID case counts got too high and the gym wasn’t enforcing its mask mandate so I had to put my membership on hold because I didn’t feel safe going anymore.
Around the same time I stopped going to the gym I started using MFP. I had realized that I hadn’t been eating enough and was getting dizzy and light headed often. I estimate that I had been eating 1100 – 1200 calories a day, so I started using MFP to make sure I didn’t under-eat anymore. As of today I have logged almost every calorie I’ve eaten for the past 280 days. Unfortunately, once I stopped going to the gym it was back to laying down all day and night so I lost a lot of the strength I had started to gain, but by sticking to my calorie goal I continued to lose weight.
From March of 2020 to March 2021 I went from 250 pounds (I believe) to 170 pounds. I didn’t really have a goal weight in mind but I kind of expected to be around 185 since that was my healthy weight previously. Unfortunately that was when I had more muscle. The goals I set for myself were according to body fat percentage. I started out at 39% and am currently 17%. My first goal was to get under 35%, which would take me out of the “morbidly obese” category and put me into the “obese” category. From there it was to get under 25% to “borderline obese” and then to get to under 20% to get to the healthy range. My last goal was to get under 15%, this is kind of arbitrary but I was under that for most of my life and I’d like to get back to it.
I am no longer trying to lose weight (I was 168 pounds last week), so I am trying out 2100 calories a day as a maintenance goal and I have returned to the gym the last two weeks (I am now vaccinated) to try and get stronger and lean out.
I can’t really list all the ways things are better, partly because I don’t even know myself. The reason I keep qualifying my max weight is because I didn’t have the courage to weigh myself until I had already started losing some weight and then it was just less than 250 pounds. I have not been to a doctor for a long time so I don’t know how bad my blood pressure or cholesterol or any of the other usual issues got or how they are now. I know that my resting heart rate went from 84 to 60 beats per minute, I know that I no longer get heartburn regularly, I know that I no longer get regular headaches (I attributed those to blood sugar and blood pressure but I don’t know for sure), and I know that my plant based diet (long time vegetarian) and the amount of fiber and healthy fats I eat should have had a positive impact on any cholesterol issues I may have had. I can walk upstairs without hurting. I can sweep or mop my floor without sweating out a gallon of fluid and feeling like I might have a heart attack. I can look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted with the person I see looking back at me. I no longer worry about the thoughts or stares of other. I also no longer wake myself up with my snoring (sleep apnea?), whether or not I still snore I don’t know but I know it isn’t as bad anymore.
I am lucky that I am a fairly tall person with a broad build. Thankfully I carried the extra weight fairly well and avoided any major loose skin. It’s still there on my stomach, especially noticeable when I’m in a prone position (pushups or planks) and it’s somewhat noticeable on my sides when I lay down, it kind of “pools” around me. But those are small prices to pay to have my physical health back.
I don’t want to mislead anyone; I’m still very broken. Losing the weight didn’t do anything to address my traumas. I am still unemployed and terrified to leave my apartment and interact with people, and other than going to the gym I am still basically bed ridden. I am working with a therapist on those issues, but they are going to take a lot more time and effort than the weight loss.
I apologize for the lengthy post and if I included too many personal details. I wanted to be thorough in case there is anyone reading this that is afraid to start on their journey because they think they would need to live at a gym or start running marathons. If you have doubts about your ability to accomplish losing weight, I promise you can do it if you just stick with it. Be smart about what you eat and how much of it you eat. I’d be lying to you if I told you I didn’t have candy or ice cream during my weight loss, I absolutely did. But I tracked the calories and didn’t go over my limit. If you set a smart calorie goal and stick to that for long enough you will lose the weight. If you have doubts, just remember that I did it while being basically bedridden; it just takes small, consistent steps. I believe in you.
P.s. I apologize for what I’m sure is a great deal of typos, but this wasn’t very easy for me to write and I don’t really have it in me go back through it with a fine-toothed comb.
P.p.s. I know how these forums work and I expect that this post will receive some very supportive feedback (and hopefully minimal negative feedback), but as I said, interacting with people is not easy for me. I will do my best to respond or answer any questions that may be asked but I can’t really make any promises in that regard. Please don’t take offense if I don’t respond to you in a timely manner, or at all. All I can say is that I’ll try.
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Replies
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You have done something that a lot of people would have never been able to do. Good for you, and stick with the healthy lifestyle.7
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Well, you’re interacting here, and that’s a start.
I think for the most part, you’ll find this group very supportive and very nonjudgmental, since we all came with our own baggage. “Overweight bags” for me, lol.
Welcome to the community.
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Thank you for posting. As they say, one day at a time!1
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Life is tough man and you have persevered. You are working to get your life back on track and deal with your issues. I'm sure this was hard to write. Pat yourself on the back for those successes and for your weight loss as well. Use that and the trips to the gym to give you the courage to start getting back in the world more as you definitely have more to offer and can continue to improve your quality of life and decrease your suffering. I would also recommend to you Jordan Peterson's book 12 Rules for Life.7
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Welcome and thank you for sharing your experience. I have found in my own life, I have to forgive myself first before I can move along and accomplish anything related to weight loss. God is the only one that can help me with that. I had a major mid life crisis of my own starting May of 2020 and I am now just starting to get somewhere where I can forgive other people as well. You are figuring out what is important for you...Keep going and growing. Best wishes to you on your journey.4
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Amazing job! You did a great thing for yourself. I haven't given up treats either but like you, I usually keep it within my goals. A very good friend of mine has massive social anxiety and doesn't leave the house because of past trauma so I think I understand a little of what you have gone through.
I just want to say - great job, especially doing it mostly solo. That's a hard thing and shows you have great inner strength. It's not easy living with anxiety because every little thing has the potential to be at least six times as hard. So, thank you very much for sharing your story.
Long-distance internet hugs!6 -
Bendable,
thanks for your Post and a very Big Congratulations,
I am beginning this journey under somewhat similar conditions except with much more Age and Health limitations. It is through your posting of your Trials along your Journey that you Help others be Strong for theirs. Thank You for Sharing your Pain, as it is received as Healing amongst others, With Expectations of Hope in Our Common Journeys.3 -
All I can say is, what a very insightful, well written post. Congratulations on the successes you've accomplished so far in your healthy lifestyle journey. Parts of your story really resonated with me, thank you soo much for sharing.5
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thank you for sharing your story. I'm a little bit broken too, but it's encouraging when someone out here tells me that they understand and believe in me. Thanks again!2
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You got this you will be able to leave your apartment and venture out and meet new people. With time and your therapy sessions they will help!1
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What a great story! I read it all and I am glad I did. Thank you for sharing!1
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What an amazing transformation ... Very proud of you for your accomplishments ..Sorry about your trauma but I commend you for going to a therapist
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You are absolutely amazing. Be proud of what you have accomplished and what you will accomplish. You are doing all the right things and life will be better. You have made a major step by telling people of your journey. You didn't have to share, but you did. You are an inspiration.1
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Great story, you are brave. Please start following The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram and talk to a Social Worker about some long term goals. This will help with the trauma recovery and release precious dopamine in your brain each day. Keep winning each hour, day, week and month. Those wins adds up. Sounds like you've been winning since March 2020.1
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Thank you for being brave enough to share your story here. I think it will inspire people who find themselves struggling to get through life, let alone attempt losing weight.1
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Thank you so much for sharing your story, and your journey. You have demonstrated strength, resilience and commitment. All of those are not just crucial for weight loss, but for addressing trauma as well. I am glad you are working with a therapist on that, because it will also help you give yourself grace. Blessings to you and thank you again for being real here and inspiring us all.5
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Thank you for your post. It was moving to read. I wish you all the best on your path.0
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Thank you for sharing this post.
I'm so impressed with the changes you've made in your life. You may not see it yet but you are in the process of transforming. It's not just the outside (with the weight loss) but the inside too by taking brave steps like speaking to a therapist and making a post on this forum.
I hope you'll continue to take brave steps like these every day.
Know that I'm here. I believe in you. I'm inspired by your story.1 -
Great job with your body, now you just gotta get out there and start interacting with the world! I'm a huge introvert, and home is my safe space, so believe me, I get not wanting to get out and put yourself out there. Baby steps, just set small goals to start, yeah? Hang in there and good luck!1
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Thank you for posting this.
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How remarkably brave of you to share this story with us. That can't have been easy. Thank you for opening up. I, too, went through a period of agoraphobia as a result of a traumatic experience, and I know exactly the struggle it is to come out of it. I am so proud of your hard work and your dedication to improving your health and your life. Please keep us posted on your progress; I can't wait to see how your continued hard work pays off.3
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minimal negative feedback0
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My heart goes out to you! Thank you for taking so MANY steps forward and for sharing your story.0
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Life can be very difficult at times for the best of us. you have made huge strides in addressing your physical health challenges. I am sending positive vibes you can improve your mental health to a point where interacting with others is not so painful and frightening. Maybe start by looking at your gym for a workout buddy. Not too much interaction while working out, but small talk between sets/reps or equipment. Thank you for being so vulnerable and willing to interact this way.3
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Thank you. Keep on going, keep trying, and living. That is the best we can do. Hugs to you.0
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What a courageous man you are. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Please keep us updated as you regain your health and vitality if that is comfortable for you Wishing you the very best as you continue on your way to health and finding your joy. 0
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Thanks for sharing and becoming a part of this community. It's a great start.0
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This is beyond inspiring! Great job stepping out of your box and sharing... Baby steps! More power to you!0
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Wow, this got a lot more attention than I expected. Thank you all for welcoming me with such an outpouring of kindness and empathy. It is very touching. Also, thanks to those of you that recommended books or other sources of help and inspiration. I have made note of them and will look into them in time. And thanks to those who sent friend requests. Even though I don’t really know what that means in the context of MFP it is a nice gesture.
To those of you that said my post resonated with you or made you feel understood; please know that you are seen and not the only person struggling. You may feel alone, and in some cases maybe you actually are, but that is not a reason to treat yourself poorly. I assure you that I understand how easy it is to give in to the dark thoughts and the depression. It is a very normal thing to ask yourself “what’s the point in doing this?”, but I would recommend that you challenge yourself on that by asking “what’s the point in NOT doing this?”. When you do that, you avoid getting stuck in the spiral of not being able to think of a positive thing and instead have to justify why you should do something negative to yourself. When you can’t come up with a reason for that you have the answer you need. I understand that I may be the last person someone wants to take advice from given my current situation. But while I can’t control the outside world I can control how I treat myself, and that approach helped me.
Several of you expressed interest and concern on the steps I’m taking to get back into the world. I hadn’t really intended to talk too much about those because I thought it fell outside the scope of what MFP is about, maybe I was wrong about that but I haven’t spent a lot of time in the forums here to know for sure. I will give a quick update here and then play it by ear moving forward.
The thing I’m currently trying to get the strength to do is go to the Verizon store and see how cheaply I can get a new phone. I have been trying to find ways to gain income without a great deal of human interaction. Uber or Lyft had been recommended to me but my vehicle doesn’t qualify, although I did find out yesterday that it looks like it qualifies for Ubereats or Grubhub. However, my phone is so old (Iphone 4S) that I can no longer download apps and the battery is shot even if I could. I can’t even get the app for MFP, I have to access it from my laptop every time. If I can manage to get a new phone it would be a doorway to gaining some income. I’m having difficulties finding the strength to make that happen though…
On a more positive note, on Monday I took my slack-line out to the park as a passive way to try to meet people (per my therapist’s recommendations). The idea was that someone may come up and say hello and a conversation would develop from there. While nobody approached it was nice to spend an hour or so outside of my apartment and in the sunshine. It has been a really long time since I’ve done that. Even though I can hardly stand on a slack-line it was still enjoyable and worthwhile.
Other than that, I have made attempts to start a few conversations at the gym by trying to ask for a spot or if someone is using/waiting for a machine. Unfortunately everyone seems to be lost in a world behind their headphones and it hasn’t resulted in much more than a few grunts or gestures. I’ll keep trying though.
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