A Broken Man, But Better...

accebersmith

How remarkably brave of you to share this story with us. That can't have been easy. Thank you for opening up. I, too, went through a period of agoraphobia as a result of a traumatic experience, and I know exactly the struggle it is to come out of it. I am so proud of your hard work and your dedication to improving your health and your life. Please keep us posted on your progress; I can't wait to see how your continued hard work pays off.

250066

minimal negative feedback

ggeise14

My heart goes out to you! Thank you for taking so MANY steps forward and for sharing your story.

azalea4175

Life can be very difficult at times for the best of us. you have made huge strides in addressing your physical health challenges. I am sending positive vibes you can improve your mental health to a point where interacting with others is not so painful and frightening. Maybe start by looking at your gym for a workout buddy. Not too much interaction while working out, but small talk between sets/reps or equipment. Thank you for being so vulnerable and willing to interact this way.

metaphysicalstudio

Thank you. Keep on going, keep trying, and living. That is the best we can do. Hugs to you.

solieco1

What a courageous man you are. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Please keep us updated as you regain your health and vitality if that is comfortable for you Wishing you the very best as you continue on your way to health and finding your joy.

AKTipsyCat

Thanks for sharing and becoming a part of this community. It's a great start.

dethstar77

This is beyond inspiring! Great job stepping out of your box and sharing... Baby steps! More power to you!

BendableButMendable

Wow, this got a lot more attention than I expected. Thank you all for welcoming me with such an outpouring of kindness and empathy. It is very touching. Also, thanks to those of you that recommended books or other sources of help and inspiration. I have made note of them and will look into them in time. And thanks to those who sent friend requests. Even though I don’t really know what that means in the context of MFP it is a nice gesture.

To those of you that said my post resonated with you or made you feel understood; please know that you are seen and not the only person struggling. You may feel alone, and in some cases maybe you actually are, but that is not a reason to treat yourself poorly. I assure you that I understand how easy it is to give in to the dark thoughts and the depression. It is a very normal thing to ask yourself “what’s the point in doing this?”, but I would recommend that you challenge yourself on that by asking “what’s the point in NOT doing this?”. When you do that, you avoid getting stuck in the spiral of not being able to think of a positive thing and instead have to justify why you should do something negative to yourself. When you can’t come up with a reason for that you have the answer you need. I understand that I may be the last person someone wants to take advice from given my current situation. But while I can’t control the outside world I can control how I treat myself, and that approach helped me.

Several of you expressed interest and concern on the steps I’m taking to get back into the world. I hadn’t really intended to talk too much about those because I thought it fell outside the scope of what MFP is about, maybe I was wrong about that but I haven’t spent a lot of time in the forums here to know for sure. I will give a quick update here and then play it by ear moving forward.

The thing I’m currently trying to get the strength to do is go to the Verizon store and see how cheaply I can get a new phone. I have been trying to find ways to gain income without a great deal of human interaction. Uber or Lyft had been recommended to me but my vehicle doesn’t qualify, although I did find out yesterday that it looks like it qualifies for Ubereats or Grubhub. However, my phone is so old (Iphone 4S) that I can no longer download apps and the battery is shot even if I could. I can’t even get the app for MFP, I have to access it from my laptop every time. If I can manage to get a new phone it would be a doorway to gaining some income. I’m having difficulties finding the strength to make that happen though…

On a more positive note, on Monday I took my slack-line out to the park as a passive way to try to meet people (per my therapist’s recommendations). The idea was that someone may come up and say hello and a conversation would develop from there. While nobody approached it was nice to spend an hour or so outside of my apartment and in the sunshine. It has been a really long time since I’ve done that. Even though I can hardly stand on a slack-line it was still enjoyable and worthwhile.

Other than that, I have made attempts to start a few conversations at the gym by trying to ask for a spot or if someone is using/waiting for a machine. Unfortunately everyone seems to be lost in a world behind their headphones and it hasn’t resulted in much more than a few grunts or gestures. I’ll keep trying though.

BendableButMendable

250066 wrote: »

minimal negative feedback

This made me chuckle. Thank you for that.

ShatteredLady

Great Job. I see that it took a lot of courage to post what you have. I too, am a trauma survivor. I don't like getting into the *nitty gritty* of what happened, but let me tell you that it was trauma upon trauma from age 4years until 9years old when my mom took her own life and it was not my mom causing the trauma either.

Anyway, I did not do what you did- you tried to be better even physically even if you were still trying to hide your pain. I think all survivors do this, hiding their pain behind fake smiles and comedy. I was the opposite of that. I had no energy or will to put up the front. I was just a sad, melancholy teen and young adult who grew into a severely depressed, anxiety ridden woman with PTSD among other disorders INCLUDING binge eating disorder and agoraphobia. I didn't leave my apartment for years, like around 8 years except 2 times. Once for my dad's funeral and once for my twin's funeral. Needless to say, I gained weight. Lots of weight. I was never ever thin. I was never fit (even as young child). I didn't like exercise and I found comfort in carbs. Still do, truth be told.

I say all this not to diminish your positively impressive weight loss journey, but to show you that you are not alone, even as you spend almost all your time alone. I am lucky in that regard, because I had a child who is now an adult and I have a partner. But the pain of meeting people is frightening to me. I trust very few. I love people but it's too emotionally taxing for me to be the type of friend others deserve. So I stay away.

I ***know*** that you speak the truth in that weight loss alone does NOT fix everything. It just doesn't. I still see myself as the 555lb woman I was. I am now 285 lbs with more to lose obviously. However, I can't take pride in what has or should have been transformative. My knees are ruined and next week I will see a spine specialist for the very first time. I can't even lay down in a bed without my back and knees really hurting me, really keeping me awake all night. I even got an adjustable bed with a nice cooling gel mattress. No go still.

But I too, am now in therapy. I go for intensive treatment 3 times a week for now. I know I need it. I have been having panic attacks every day this week since Saturday afternoon. Too many flashbacks and stuff like that. We just have to keep soldiering on, people like us. We have to keep reaching for goals whether they be the weight or mental health or physical health. Our lives are short and after losing my entire immediate family I realize that I will have no legacy left after I am gone except my son and partner. That hurts. A lot. It's regretful that I wasn't even there to hold my twin's hand when he passed. But I know what's important now. I can't even begin to help anyone else until I find a way to help myself. And I imagine you might be the same. You are on your way, but it will take a long time, perhaps the rest of our lives to learn to really handle what we have on our "mental plates". To learn to deal with the real world again in a healthy way.

I commend your bravery, your perseverance and your integrity. Take care of yourself. Try to find something good about every day even if it's simply a cup of coffee or the sun shining on your face or a beautiful sunrise/sunset, the smell of fresh cut lawns. There are good things out there. We have to look for them. We need to see beyond our pain without running from it. I wish you luck and happiness for a better future.

Take care.

BEE3FAM

The article you wrote about your journey was well written and your expressions were what we all can relate to.
It seems you had a goal to make a significant physical change and you accomplished that, the weight loss is only the beginning!
Set your next goal to venture (Safely) out and LIVE AGAIN! Don't let fears or doubts, guilt or shame keep you from living your best life because we all have a short time period that vanishes way too quickly.
Wishing you the best and Congratulations on accomplishing your first goal, now on to the Next!

AlexandraFindsHerself1971

I send you support and caring thoughts. My boyfriend and I both discovered various traumas from the past and with therapy, meds, love and support, we're working through them and getting to a better point. I wish you healing, and know that it's hard work. I believe you can do this too.

dfwesq

Glad you had a good time at the park! Being outdoors in nature and in the sun really can be a big mood lifter. Being around other people, too - even if we aren't interacting. I commend you for seeking out therapy, too.

BendableButMendable

ShatteredLady wrote: »

Great Job. I see that it took a lot of courage to post what you have. I too, am a trauma survivor. I don't like getting into the *nitty gritty* of what happened, but let me tell you that it was trauma upon trauma from age 4years until 9years old when my mom took her own life and it was not my mom causing the trauma either.

Anyway, I did not do what you did- you tried to be better even physically even if you were still trying to hide your pain. I think all survivors do this, hiding their pain behind fake smiles and comedy. I was the opposite of that. I had no energy or will to put up the front. I was just a sad, melancholy teen and young adult who grew into a severely depressed, anxiety ridden woman with PTSD among other disorders INCLUDING binge eating disorder and agoraphobia. I didn't leave my apartment for years, like around 8 years except 2 times. Once for my dad's funeral and once for my twin's funeral. Needless to say, I gained weight. Lots of weight. I was never ever thin. I was never fit (even as young child). I didn't like exercise and I found comfort in carbs. Still do, truth be told.

I say all this not to diminish your positively impressive weight loss journey, but to show you that you are not alone, even as you spend almost all your time alone. I am lucky in that regard, because I had a child who is now an adult and I have a partner. But the pain of meeting people is frightening to me. I trust very few. I love people but it's too emotionally taxing for me to be the type of friend others deserve. So I stay away.

I ***know*** that you speak the truth in that weight loss alone does NOT fix everything. It just doesn't. I still see myself as the 555lb woman I was. I am now 285 lbs with more to lose obviously. However, I can't take pride in what has or should have been transformative. My knees are ruined and next week I will see a spine specialist for the very first time. I can't even lay down in a bed without my back and knees really hurting me, really keeping me awake all night. I even got an adjustable bed with a nice cooling gel mattress. No go still.

But I too, am now in therapy. I go for intensive treatment 3 times a week for now. I know I need it. I have been having panic attacks every day this week since Saturday afternoon. Too many flashbacks and stuff like that. We just have to keep soldiering on, people like us. We have to keep reaching for goals whether they be the weight or mental health or physical health. Our lives are short and after losing my entire immediate family I realize that I will have no legacy left after I am gone except my son and partner. That hurts. A lot. It's regretful that I wasn't even there to hold my twin's hand when he passed. But I know what's important now. I can't even begin to help anyone else until I find a way to help myself. And I imagine you might be the same. You are on your way, but it will take a long time, perhaps the rest of our lives to learn to really handle what we have on our "mental plates". To learn to deal with the real world again in a healthy way.

I commend your bravery, your perseverance and your integrity. Take care of yourself. Try to find something good about every day even if it's simply a cup of coffee or the sun shining on your face or a beautiful sunrise/sunset, the smell of fresh cut lawns. There are good things out there. We have to look for them. We need to see beyond our pain without running from it. I wish you luck and happiness for a better future.

Take care.

Now that I know first hand how difficult it is to post things like this I want to tell you how much I appreciate you doing so. I’m sorry that you’ve dealt with so much, especially losing your mother at such a young age. I lost my mom at an early age as well and know how much that hurts and how the effects can linger.

I’m proud of you for your weight loss even if you aren’t yourself. It’s a major accomplishment and you should try to not let other things in your life prevent you from relishing that. It can be hard to change the image you have of yourself in your head. I was lying in bed the other night and went to scratch my lower abdomen and was surprised when my fingers hit firm muscle instead of a thick layer of fat. I’ve had a fairly firm stomach for a few months now but my brain has yet to catch up. Your transformation has been much more drastic than mine so I don’t blame you if you find it hard to accept. I know the lingering health issues you have are difficult but try to focus on how the weight you’ve lost and continue to lose have and will continue to help with those things. We can’t change the past but you’re doing the right thing for your future.

I wish you the best with your therapy. I’ve only been going for the last three months or so but I know that opening up about these things can be like ripping open a wound. The day after therapy is generally very difficult for me for that reason. After making my first post yesterday and reading all the replies today has been a struggle for me and I’ve had a hard time reigning in my emotions. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve shed a few tears today due to some of the responses I’ve received, including yours. I think that will get easier over time, but I know that it is an uphill journey.

I am happy that you have at least some people in your life to be there for you. I would only ask that if you have other people that are willing to be there for you when you are struggling that you try to extend them some trust. Having people that are willing to be there when it’s not all sunshine and roses is something that should not be taken for granted. I’m not saying that’s what your situation is, but you said it’s something you have a hard time with. I’m not just saying that either, I have actually tried to follow my own advice on that. A few times over the last couple of years I reached out to people that I once considered friends and told them how bad things were for me and asked for help. I was told more than once that I wasn’t their problem and to get in touch when I got better. I can’t tell you what I’d do to have someone willing to be there for me. So if you have that opportunity please don’t let fear stop you from reaching for it. If I misunderstood your statement or am speaking out of turn I apologize, but it felt important to say.

Thanks again for your openness and compassion, I really appreciate it.

mill1295

Great job so far and having the courage to post! It is an inspiration!

steviedeannz1

wishing you victory after victory and success after success!

I sure hope you keep us all posted...we're kind of on this journey with you now as well.

ShatteredLady

BendableButMendable wrote: »

I wish you the best with your therapy. I’ve only been going for the last three months or so but I know that opening up about these things can be like ripping open a wound. The day after therapy is generally very difficult for me for that reason. After making my first post yesterday and reading all the replies today has been a struggle for me and I’ve had a hard time reigning in my emotions. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve shed a few tears today due to some of the responses I’ve received, including yours. I think that will get easier over time, but I know that it is an uphill journey.

I am happy that you have at least some people in your life to be there for you. I would only ask that if you have other people that are willing to be there for you when you are struggling that you try to extend them some trust. Having people that are willing to be there when it’s not all sunshine and roses is something that should not be taken for granted. I’m not saying that’s what your situation is, but you said it’s something you have a hard time with. I’m not just saying that either, I have actually tried to follow my own advice on that. A few times over the last couple of years I reached out to people that I once considered friends and told them how bad things were for me and asked for help. I was told more than once that I wasn’t their problem and to get in touch when I got better. I can’t tell you what I’d do to have someone willing to be there for me. So if you have that opportunity please don’t let fear stop you from reaching for it. If I misunderstood your statement or am speaking out of turn I apologize, but it felt important to say.

Thanks for your reply. I just wanted to address a couple of things that you said that really touched my heart...

First- day after therapy blues is real. It's hard facing, confronting and learning to accept and deal with past traumas and how they can affect us today. It's been that way every time I go to therapy. I kind of get pumped up immediately after therapy but then become severely morose as I linger on things shared, problems and different possible solutions. I tend to find myself become (for some reason I still don't understand)- stubborn about changing. Like actively stubborn. Kind of angry that someone wants me to be someone other than "me". The "Eeyore" me. The sad/anxiety/untrusting me. Well, I don't like being that me either! lol... But I find that anger dissipates a little over time.
I am sorry that you shed tears so frequently while going through the posts. But that only means that you are seeking help and perhaps have found a group of people with whom you share interests and pain and know that life isn't always going to be a walk in the park. It's refreshing sometimes to feel for others too. It makes ya know you're human and have an empathetic heart.

The other thing I want to briefly touch on -(lol, as if I am ever brief)- is the things you said about my trust issues. You are correct. It is one of my real problems. I know I've hurt my partner because I get too wrapped inside my anxiety. I try to tell him that I love him and it isn't his fault, but he would "feel" more loved if I could show trust a little more. I am working on that in my own therapy right now. You know what, your words opened my eyes a little too, because they come from a place where you were trying to be open, honest and reaching out to find support and no one cared enough to reach back for your hand to pull you beside them and simply be there with you as you talk or perhaps just feel the comfort of quiet companionship. I realize I am lucky in this regard. My partner is my world in every sense of that word. He has stuck with me through so much...

I wanted to say thank you. You were paying attention there, seeing that trust issue thing as more than a passing comment. It is a main point and focus in my life right now.

Also, I hope that you will find some deeper friends when you can. Your gym seems like a good place to meet some like minded people to maybe get to know better (maybe if more people will become fully vaccinated, I am also a germaphobe too and have panic attacks about that issue a lot). But even online and here too. Find some small group that you don't mind chatting with, even me if you want.. although I have to admit, I get (LOL) "tight lipped" sometimes. (I am laughing so hard right now, you don't even know)... When I have something to say, Imma say it. If I am feeling something really negative though, Imma swallow it and hold it down for as long as possible until I explode and no one knows what made me "crazy all of a sudden". I like talking with you on here though. And wouldn't mind if you friended me. I would accept that. I usually don't accept friend requests. (trust and all).

Anyway, have a good night. or day... whatever it is where you are. I understand if you don't want to friend me. I wouldn't.. (lol). Take care. I appreciate the time you've taken to read through my weirdo thoughts and rough journey. It's not always pretty, but I try to be as honest as I can be without becoming (hopefully) too overwhelming for others all at once.
-Heather

srisridhar9411

Congratulations! please keep the journey in other areas of your life also. Best wishes for it.

kellibee2000

Wow, thank you so much for taking the risk to post. Your experience is so inspiring because it is so honest about mental health and how that connects to physical health. I wish you all the best in your continuing journey!💜