Haters - a rant

nkoconnell

So I've been pretty proud of myself. By eating better than I ever have, and exercising (running, yoga) I'm almost at my initial goal of 145.

This week I received an email with a link to an article from a good friend, because "he loves me." The article was written by a woman who used to work for one of the meal plan diets, and completely bashes them. But that's not what I'm doing?

Then another friend started announcing, loudly and to anyone that would listen, that I was wearing my new "Levi's no-*kitten* jeans". On several occasions.

Tonight I stopped for coffee and the clerk, who has known me for years, told me I look "scrawny".

I am 5'8" and currently weigh about 147.

Every one of these well-wishers is (just a guess) well over 250 pounds. I have never, and would never, say A SINGE WORD to them about their weight. I don't understand why they feel like it's ok to do so. It's hurtful and completely negates how hard I have worked. Were there times I would have liked to have a piece of cake and didn't? Yup. Are there times I don't feel like running? Eff yeah.

I started this journey to celebrate my 50th birthday. It's been much easier than I would have believed, and I wish I had done it sooner. And it's for me.

mrsjones2point0

Some people can't stand the success of others, and are really quick to judge. Make yourself happy, be healthy, and kick *kitten*!

bethannien

I'm amazed at how often I hear things like this. You know you're doing what's right for you. I just wish people didn't take a crap all over your success.

Bottom line, you're doing great.

hookilau

:ohwell: You must have the sort of personality that people feel comfortable being themselves around :sick: This can be disturbing :laugh:

If you feel they might have a point, might I suggest weight training? Otherwise, when they get to being jokers, tell the to tell their story walking :laugh:

KANGOOJUMPS

jealousy..oh kick them in the *kitten*

celadontea

Name an awesome person without haters. I dare you.

JoRocka

5'8" at 147 is not "scrawy"

you might need some muscle on you- which would lend to a more solid physic rather than just "weight lost" essentially. (totally up to you and it's a personal preference if you prefer to be more muscular. I prefer it- I'm 5'8" and 160 and no one gives me grief about anything wink wink nudge nudge- partly because I'm a loud mouth and partly because I'm in pretty good shape)

I'd say something rude about their weight.

Seriously.

And when they look shocked and appalled at you- just say "oops- I didn't realize- from what you just said about me I was under the impression it was "give my friend unsolicited advice day"... wrong day? did I mis- read the memo??. or was it just be rude to your friends day because I can insult something else about you if you like instead."

My other favorite is "if I wanted to look like you- I'd eat like you"

seriously- say something- that type of behavior is unacceptable. it's one thing to joke about size and stuff (my rooommate/bestie had a super flat *kitten*- mine- not so much- so we joked about her bony butt and my underwear that were big enough to parachute out of an airplane with)... that or we would have a serious conversation about our goals and what our plan was.

We NEVER actually gave someone **** about it in a mean or snarky way.

That type of behavior from "friends" is unacceptable. seriously. find new friends and don't be shy about saying something to combat this behavior. it is NOT appropriate.

arewethereyet

:ohwell: You must have the sort of personality that people feel comfortable being themselves around :sick: This can be disturbing :laugh:

If you feel they might have a point, might I suggest weight training? Otherwise, when they get to being jokers, tell the to tell their story walking :laugh:

This is so true! People will say things to me they never say to my friend who would stare them down. She has commented on this also. Strangers feel the need to tell me my hair is nice, or that color doesn't look good on me:laugh:

As for OP, I am a jokester so I would laugh and say something like "Yup, made 2 pairs of 'no *kitten*' jeans out of one of my old ones!" or "You know I feel so zen after putting my foot behind my head in yoga today, that I will let that comment slide" :flowerforyou:

Please can be real asshats. :ohwell:

Great job by the way!

toaster6

People can have a rather skewed idea of what a person *should* look like. I don't think everyone that mentions something along those lines is necessarily hating on you. Some people will legitametly think you are too thin even though your weight is perfectly fine at the moment.

carollynch09

GOOD FOR YOU on your weight loss!!! Keep it up! Green is such an ugly color on some people isn't it?

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

I think people tend to think its ok to say to smaller people, ugh... Also, I think they may have been used to seeing you heavier. Just remember, you did this for you and congrats!!

nkoconnell

Thanks, all - it felt really good to get that out. And I really don't think they're hating on me.... but on themselves.

EricMurano

Sometimes people don't know how to act in some social situations. Just chalk it up to well intended but badly executed sentiment.

ladyark

I know this is evil but sometimes you have to actually put them in their place. Im sure i would have told the last lady that " anything standing next to you would be scrawny". I just really hate when people try to be well meaning in handing out critical compliments or advice.

You are doing an amazing job and you look great! Keep it up and to hell with the haters!!

benol1

So I've been pretty proud of myself. By eating better than I ever have, and exercising (running, yoga) I'm almost at my initial goal of 145.

This week I received an email with a link to an article from a good friend, because "he loves me." The article was written by a woman who used to work for one of the meal plan diets, and completely bashes them. But that's not what I'm doing?

Then another friend started announcing, loudly and to anyone that would listen, that I was wearing my new "Levi's no-*kitten* jeans". On several occasions.

Tonight I stopped for coffee and the clerk, who has known me for years, told me I look "scrawny".

I am 5'8" and currently weigh about 147.

Every one of these well-wishers is (just a guess) well over 250 pounds. I have never, and would never, say A SINGE WORD to them about their weight. I don't understand why they feel like it's ok to do so. It's hurtful and completely negates how hard I have worked. Were there times I would have liked to have a piece of cake and didn't? Yup. Are there times I don't feel like running? Eff yeah.

I started this journey to celebrate my 50th birthday. It's been much easier than I would have believed, and I wish I had done it sooner. And it's for me.

Firstly, congratulations on the fruits of your hard work. You should be commended for your effort and determination. I often look at the people at MFP, or anyone for that matter, that is in the process of undergoing such a massive and difficult challenge as weight loss, and increase one's health and fitness, and think its nothing short of inspiring.
I'm sorry your friends aren't inspired by you. Perhaps negative comments said in response to weight loss is only said to women - I don't know. I've only received positive remarks from friends and family.
Depending on the situation you could respond by ignoring the comments or it could be an opportunity to give your frenemies a dose of their own medicine. If these comments are coming from people who are 250lb (125kg) +, then you could say something like "thank you for your concern but I decided to get fit and control my weight so that I don't die prematurely from heart attack, stroke, diabetes, certain cancers, and etc., and to have an excellent quality of life.
Furthermore, you could start sending your email sending friend copies and links to articles on obesity related disease and mortality. That should very firmly, but gently, put them in their place.
kind regards,

Ben

Pamela_June

You are doing GREAT and you look wonderful... don't let the 'haters' and the whinners get to you...like you said you are doing this for you!

DragonSquatter

This sucks. No way around it. Your "well wishers" should be ashamed of themselves for even doing this to you.

Honestly, I think the issue is that we've become very accustomed to seeing overweight people as the "norm" and someone who is a healthy weight like you seems "odd" to some.

Don't fret about it. This is THEIR issue, not yours. Be proud and just keep doing what you're doing.

whierd

Don't let it bother you. People are usually a little shocked when they see people lose weight as it is uncommon for a lot of folks, especially if you hang around a larger, inactive crowd. It can be especially hard for women with naturally slim body types because people assume that they are sick, bulimic, or anorexic when in reality they just have a small bone structure and low LBM.

Just come back with a sassy retort and roll with it.

rainbowbow

just chalk it off to haters gonna hate. *shrug*

THEY ALL BE JELLY OF YOUR GAINS

BinaryPulsar

Don't let it bother you. People are usually a little shocked when they see people lose weight as it is uncommon for a lot of folks, especially if you hang around a larger, inactive crowd. It can be especially hard for women with naturally slim body types because people assume that they are sick, bulimic, or anorexic when in reality they just have a small bone structure and low LBM.

Just come back with a sassy retort and roll with it.

One time when I was younger I went out to lunch with a new friend, and ate tons of food (as was usual for me). Then she seriously accused me of being bulimic. She said I must have thrown my food up in the bathroom because she didn't believe that someone could eat as much as I do and be as slim as I was. I was an active dancer, with low body fat and a small frame.

scottaworley

Pick up a weight

PikaKnight

Time to "just break up" with these "good friends".

KiwiJewels

Funny, I'm 5'8" and when I got down to 65 kilos (or your 145 pounds) I got told I looked too thin in the face! I now tend to havea goal weight about 5 kilos higher then that, because 65 was the bottom of my range, but only because I thought it would be easier to maintain... Now I gotta get back there again! haha

I don't think they are doing it on purpose - I don't imagine they realise how hurtful it is to be given a "throw-away" comment that isn't very positive when you've tried so hard - and subconciously I think they are jealous so you can definitely feel sorry for them!

It might be easier to let it slide, and I wouldn't dish it back (that makes you no better then them, maybe even worse because it would be deliberate on your part), but if you can I think you should say something that gives them a gentle nudge and reminds them to be more careful about what they are saying... something like "Ouch - that's a bit harsh after all the hard work I've put in' and said with a smile. I think they need to be reminded that thoughtless and careless words still have consequences.

I also like the idea some have mentioned, now you're nearly at maintenance (awesome work by the way!), to look into weight training. Good for keeping weight down (the more muscle you have, the more you burn at resting heart rate) and maintaining, bone density, and just generally looking good and feeling great. Might have to take that one on board myself.

Glad to know the vent helped you - hopefully once they get used to the new you, they'll stop noticing and/or commenting :-)

whierd

Don't let it bother you. People are usually a little shocked when they see people lose weight as it is uncommon for a lot of folks, especially if you hang around a larger, inactive crowd. It can be especially hard for women with naturally slim body types because people assume that they are sick, bulimic, or anorexic when in reality they just have a small bone structure and low LBM.

Just come back with a sassy retort and roll with it.

One time when I was younger I went out to lunch with a new friend, and ate tons of food (as was usual for me). Then she seriously accused me of being bulimic. She said I must have thrown my food up in the bathroom because she didn't believe that someone could eat as much as I do and be as slim as I was. I was an active dancer, with low body fat and a small frame.

Yeah, lot's of people are ignorant of the calories in vs calories out concept. Or the IIFYM concept. Really, just a lot of ignorance regarding nutrition and weight loss overall.

BinaryPulsar

Don't let it bother you. People are usually a little shocked when they see people lose weight as it is uncommon for a lot of folks, especially if you hang around a larger, inactive crowd. It can be especially hard for women with naturally slim body types because people assume that they are sick, bulimic, or anorexic when in reality they just have a small bone structure and low LBM.

Just come back with a sassy retort and roll with it.

One time when I was younger I went out to lunch with a new friend, and ate tons of food (as was usual for me). Then she seriously accused me of being bulimic. She said I must have thrown my food up in the bathroom because she didn't believe that someone could eat as much as I do and be as slim as I was. I was an active dancer, with low body fat and a small frame.

Yeah, lot's of people are ignorant of the calories in vs calories out concept. Or the IIFYM concept. Really, just a lot of ignorance regarding nutrition and weight loss overall.

Mmmhmm

The_Enginerd

optimisticoutlook

Some people have no class. Plain and simple. No matter what size you are, or what what size they are, it is never OK to call names or try to belittle someone's efforts to be healthier and happier.
I can't stand that. Especially when they think their comments are cute or funny.
Great job on you success!!!
Don't let their negative comments stop you from feeling good about what you have worked so hard for :-D
~ Coming from a 250+lb lady with class.

The_Enginerd

Honestly, I think the issue is that we've become very accustomed to seeing overweight people as the "norm" and someone who is a healthy weight like you seems "odd" to some.

So, so true. When 2/3 of the US population is overweight or obese, that becomes the new norm.

AllonsYtotheTardis

People who make comments like that are not 'good friends'

I would let the snark fly and let the chips fall where they may.

AndyBloot

These people sound like 'frienemies'
They get on with you when you are just like them (tired, depressed, overweight, smoking, using drugs etc)
But start improving your life and feeling optimistic and they feel threatened and will try and pull you down
But this will be subtle or wrapped up as caring advice

If your new life is just for you, then don't let them get to you
As suggested above, think up some good comebacks (a verbal slap in the face)
Deflect their little hooks and barbs and they'll keep their tongues between their teeth next time
Or just smile and ignore them and proceed as usual

jennifer_417

1. Jealousy
2. Honestly, they probably genuinely do not understand that what they saying is hurtful.