Mamas: What Makes You Feel Pretty?

LaBellaHarris

Okay, so. I've debated posting this for awhile, but I'm at the end of my rope here. I had my daughter almost 4 years ago, and I'm finally getting help for the post-partum depression. I'm trying to get more sleep, drink more water, and eat better. I'm wearing my make up again and trying to be more thoughtful about what I wear and only keeping the clothes in my closet that make me feel good. I'm doing my nails at home (not always consistently, but it's an improvement). I'm going to the gym three or four times a week. I'm at my pre-pregnancy, pre-depression weight, if not quite the same BMI and body comp (I'm working on it).

I still don't feel pretty.

I know motherhood has changed my body and it will never be the same (I used to be enviously symmetrical, and now my boobs are like, friends from work instead of twins, it is the worst but at least can be hidden with a good bra), but every time I look in the mirror I'm just so bummed out. It's not even the effects of aging (I'm in my early thirties, and the only grey I've got going on is one eyebrow I can brow gel back to being black). I just have no idea how to regain my body and feel pretty again.

Things are kind of... tense in my marriage right now. We've had a handful of date nights across basically the whole pandemic, but I've got one planned for next week with a babysitter and everything. Most of the conversations I have with my husband can be boiled down to "what do you want for dinner" and "can you take the baby for a minute." We've been married 7 years and I love him, it just doesn't feel like there's much energy left for passion right now.

So, mamas: What do you do to feel pretty?

boilerdawg2009

Not a mom...or even a woman...but I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm sure you're your own worst critic and what everyone else sees is a beautiful woman! I wish there was more I could say to help.

MaggieGirl135

Please contact your doctor and obtain a therapist, if you haven’t already. We all care about you and help is available.

Sinisterbarbie1

I am also not a mom, but I suffered through post breast cancer depression. Obviously it is a very different thing, but it also changes your relationship with your body, including your breasts (obviously!), your looks and your aging overall, your family and how they view you, as well as how much sympathy or help I feel I can ask people for on anything these days given how much I feel people did for me when I was at my lowest.

I found that I needed to concentrate more on finding strength and beauty (whatever that means for you personally) from myself and other resources that made me feel “more myself”, and not looking to my husband for validation. He has been with me through thick and thin and also needs a break and to focus on himself. Your husband may also need to focus on what it means to him to be a new dad and take on new responsibilities. I don’t know how easy or difficult it is for men to talk about the feelings they experience around new parenthood, but I can imagine that there may be some similar simply anxiety based feelings about economic challenges for you both, the added responsibilities for you both, the added impact on your personal dynamic, the realization that you both are entering a new phase of adulthood, perhaps he also feels like he is suddenly older? Maybe he also feels less attractive? Who knows? I know my husband had a lot of trouble speaking about the fear and anxiety he felt around my cancer and what it would mean for us as a couple, for us financially, for my long term health, for our long term financial stability, for our goals as a couple, and that still persists and probably will never go away,

American culture somehow makes us feel like our partners need to be everything in our lives - our best friends, our romantic partners, our intellectual equals, our spiritual mirrors, the one and only in all things. I don’t think that societies have put that sort of pressure on marriages from time immemorial. People have had other support systems and other places to draw positive feelings about their value and worth outside of just one relationship.

So my advice would be to remember all of the other people and relationships and experiences you draw meaning from. Do things that have made you the interesting person you are (aside from just physical beauty, which changes over time, but is worn differently and well by women who can stand tall with that grey eyebrow or lopsided or no breasts because they have so much going on for them that people don’t notice it).

Admittedly this has been more challenging during a world wide pandemic, but we now have many tools at our disposal in most Western countries to manage our risk responsibly and to figure out how to engage with the world again a bit more even if we haven’t been. I won’t presume to discuss what that means or should mean for anyone since that is such a complicated and many layered decision (I take care of elderly and ailing parents so do this balancing exercise every day on the opposite end of the spectrum from folks who have babies). But if you feel safe going out on date nights and hiring a babysitter for your baby so you can be out with your husband, perhaps each of you can additionally find time to occasionally do similar things to renew yourselves as individuals.

One of the things that I found challenging about the pandemic was that I had no new experiences and new insights about the world to bring back into my relationship to discuss and mull over and build on with my husband. Now as we are both able to do more outside our little pod of two - with friends, with clients, with students, with, family, there are more individual experiences building us up as the interesting people we are in the world, and have always been to each other, and we bring that back to our relationship. Perhaps that will help you as well?

LaBellaHarris

MaggieGirl135 wrote: »

Please contact your doctor and obtain a therapist, if you haven’t already. We all care about you and help is available.

I know that I need to, I just... I hate therapy. I know it's really dependent on who you get paired with, but I haven't had great luck on that front in the past. We're getting a new insurance provider in April so I'm hoping to find someone in that network.

Berry12473

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I would echo what others have said regarding getting professional help.
However, I will add some small, simple tips....Keep a diary where you write atleast one positive thought about yourself every day. Also, re affirm the thought by looking in the mirror and telling yourself that positive thought. Make yourself a priority. Do things that you enjoy or make a conscious effort to enjoy one thing atleast in a day. Once you look at yourself positively, your conversations will flow.
Good luck. You can do it. 👍

metaphysicalstudio

I hope that you can navigate these challenges and changes in your life. Becoming a mom was, for me, too, a drastic change in my life to which I had to respond with new tools. Give yourself some space for exploring your new self. Motherhood comes with a lot of sometimes unexpected changes, and the changes can keep coming through the years. Cultivating flexibility and practicing self compassion on my journey has been very helpful for me. Remember that all things change, eventually. Having a healthy support system is very wise. Perhaps seek mom groups, therapy, yoga and meditation groups,or people who enjoy what you enjoy. What are your passions? Feeling pretty for me centers on doing what I love to do. You're not alone.

LaBellaHarris

Sinisterbarbie1 wrote: »

... I found that I needed to concentrate more on finding strength and beauty (whatever that means for you personally) from myself and other resources that made me feel “more myself”, and not looking to my husband for validation. He has been with me through thick and thin and also needs a break and to focus on himself...

So I've been trying for days to figure out how to talk about this feeling, and I keep coming back to your reply, because I think this says it a lot better than my original "feeling pretty" question. Because at its core, I'm not really talking about a feeling that I can expect from a luxurious bubble bath or doing my makeup well; that sense of worth that I associate with inner strength and resiliency and beauty (not like in an industry way but like in the way a mountain is beautiful, you know? It's not pretty because I want to own it or best it or consume it, it just is and that evokes this sense of . . . I don't know. I keep coming back to the word 'beauty,' but maybe the word I'm looking for is 'purpose'? But that's not right because a mountain isn't for anything, so then I'm just back to this weird nebulous concept of "more myself" and "most myself" because that sounds closer and feels right).

I do know that my husband needs a break, which is why I'm trying to do this myself. I just. . . I feel really isolated and directionless. I don't know if I remember the things that made me interesting, or if those things were even me. I spent a lot of time chasing things that ended up being really unsatisfying once I actually got them (that career I had dreamt of and worked for and then absolutely hated), or were never attainable in the first place (having that career I thought I wanted was never going to convince my father that women are just as worthwhile as men and that it was actually totally fine that he never had any sons, because my father is a misogynist). It's almost like. . . like I feel that so much of me is just a coping mechanism, a way to push through hardship to get to an objective, but now I don't have a clear objective.

Most of the time I'm taking care of my daughter, who I love, but motherhood isn't something that feels fulfilling to me. I had thought that a lot of that was the post-partum depression, but even though I'm getting treatment for that and it's helping (I'm doing a lot better this April than last), that empty, ugly feeling remains.

How do you even find the things that you draw meaning from? What are the things that renew you as an individual?