Why does my husband continually push food on me?

babs__75

I only have about 20 pounds to lose and I'm doing great but I get so tired of the, "Well, I'm going out for a latte. I think you need one too." No, I don't. Push and push he goes, on and on. And I don't feel like one today. In fact, since starting this a few weeks ago, I have not had a latte because I don't need to spend the calories on it. He is of normal weight so maybe he feels bad for me but he continually feels the need to push food and beverage on me that I don't want.

SuzySunshine99

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's doing it to be nice, and feels bad if he goes to get himself a treat and doesn't offer to get one for you.

Have you had a serious conversation with him about this? Have you told him how it makes you feel when he does this? I think communication would be key here.

After talking with him about it, maybe you could occasional satisfy his need to bring you something by asking for a low- or no-calorie option...like, "I don't want a latte, but could you bring me a tea, or regular coffee, etc?"

cwolfman13

SuzySunshine99 wrote: »

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's doing it to be nice, and feels bad if he goes to get himself a treat and doesn't offer to get one for you.

Have you had a serious conversation with him about this? Have you told him how it makes you feel when he does this? I think communication would be key here.

After talking with him about it, maybe you could occasional satisfy his need to bring you something by asking for a low- or no-calorie option...like, "I don't want a latte, but could you bring me a tea, or regular coffee, etc?"

To add to this, was going out for a latte something you did together...kind of like a date? My wife and I do little things like that and I'd be a little miffed if all of a sudden she was like, "nah...I'm good". Could you just go with him and just have a regular coffee or something?

LiveOnceBeHappy

Does he ask the same repeatedly or just once? I'd expect my husband to ask me if I want Dairy Queen if he's going there. I'd say, "no, I'm good". Now, if he pushed the point by asking me, "are you sure?" or "oh, you've earned it" or anything else that might mean he wants me to change my mind, I'd look him straight in the eye and tell him firmly to STOP IT.

My husband is very good about this. He asks once. I answer. Done. I would resent if he didn't ask if I wanted something because then he'd be making my decision for me. He must ask. I get to decide. If we go to a bar, he'll mention the bar has the drinks I like. Then I'll order one or order a Diet Coke! Up to me.

It's funny that people think we're depriving ourselves if we choose not to partake in a certain food or beverage when it's the opposite. We're choosing exactly what we want at the moment. I try never to say, "I *can't* have that." I always say, "I don't *want* that."

babs__75

LOL.. I work from home and drink a lot of coffee (black! - rarely creamer!) throughout my work day. Don't always need more.

babs__75

My husband tends to drone on and on about things, "You always eat the same thing for breakfast. why don't you try something different." Because I'm happy with what I eat for breakfast and it stays with me and I've found what works best for me????????? I do like the word STOP. Gonna try that.

cwolfman13

babs__75 wrote: »

LOL.. I work from home and drink a lot of coffee (black! - rarely creamer!) throughout my work day. Don't always need more.

I was commenting more in regards to if going out for a latte was a kind of "date" thing. If my wife suddenly didn't want to go do something that we normally do to have a little time to ourselves, I'd be a little miffed about it.

babs__75

Well, he just arrived home with granola. Thought I needed it. Not really but I guess I'll have some at some point to make him feel better. 1/3 cup serving. Too much sugar. Oh, well................

ReenieHJ

It took my sister years to finally stop asking me or pushing stuff onto me, cause she finally heard me say 'no thanks' often enough. Dh can be guilty of it at times. He'll just automatically pick up something for me, that he knows I like. It's nice of him but if it wasn't something I was planning on indulging in, it can cause me to wreck my whole day of calorie counting because I have a helluva time with temptation even being in the house. It's not in my make-up to wait and have it another day.

I'd have 'the talk' with him and tell him how much you 'appreciate the thought but please no, thank you, honor my wishes, don't feel guilty about enjoying one without me, I truly don't want one but thanks!' Anything that works, while thanking him for offering. If he feels offensive about it, that's entirely on him.

AnnPT77

babs__75 wrote: »

Well, he just arrived home with granola. Thought I needed it. Not really but I guess I'll have some at some point to make him feel better. 1/3 cup serving. Too much sugar. Oh, well................

Thank him for his thoughtfulness, say you're not hungry right now, don't eat it. Keep not eating it, if you don't want it, or eat it when you do. If you don't eat it, and he asks, repeat that it was thoughtful of him, but that you haven't felt granola-ish, even though you appreciate the gesture. Personally I'd avoid "it's not in my diet" or "too much sugar" or other things that might feel accusatory to him. Something like "I'm trying to eat more veggies, and they make me so full!" might work.

Eventually, he'll get the message. (It would be best, as others have suggested, if you have a quiet, non-emotional discussion with him about your goals, and how it will help you if he asks if you want X when he's going to get some for himself, but that it would be easier for you to reach your goals if "no thanks" is an adequate answer. If you can get an idea from the conversation about why he does this (love? subconscious fear you'll get cuter and leave him? etc.), without accusing or cross-examining him, that would be good. )

Most people find change difficult, including change in their partners' behavior. It can feel threatening, or confusing.

If you keep eating the things he brings, the message you're sending is that you actually do want them, but you feel like you should refuse them at first, as just sort of a gesture. If that's not an accurate message, don't send it . . . but do that in a way that assumes he's doing what he's doing because he wants to please you, which is thoughtful. (IMO, that's a more productive way to behave, even when there's mild suspicion that the issue is more fear, resentment, etc. High road usually works best, IME. It leaves space for the other party to feel good about him/herself, save face, even if there's some other motivations. IME, people tend to react to our perceived expectations of them, and implying positive expectations is more productive for future interactions.)

88AViva

Some people just show affection by feeding you or getting you things that they enjoy. They mean well. It's lovely that he cares.
But I understand, it is not what you need to support your diet. Just thank him for the offer and suggest something else (something small or convenient) he can bring back for you instead. Maybe it just makes him happy getting you something.

I have a friend who does this too when he comes over, and even when I say I don't need or want anything, he still brings over wine and food. So I just tell him what I'd prefer instead (salmon, pineapples, healthy snacks or avocados) and we don't have to eat the same things.

ahoy_m8

I guess I'm guilty of this, too. Kids have mostly left the house, but no one in our family goes out for a coffee or a taco without asking if anyone wants anything. My usual answer is no, but I do very much appreciate the courtesy of asking anyway.

I am told I am a food pusher. Food is my love language. I love making things people really like. I don't realize I'm pushing until one of my kids gently tells me I'm pushing. That's really all they have to say because I recognize it when they point it out, and then I feel bad about it. Maybe if you point it out to your DH he will recognize and back off like me.

88AViva

@ahoy_m8 That's really sweet though. My mum is exactly the same, my friends used to love staying because of the food.
Now I'm all grown up and she still shows her affection with food when I'm there. I kindly thank her but remind her I'm not as skinny and lucky as her and now the weight is catching up, so as much as I love all the food but I need to portion control. I just take the extras for another day 😁

Howard_M_Burgerz

Maybe some insecurity?

babs__75

I really sometimes thinks that he feels bad that I'm not eating all my 'regular' stuff. He mentioned ice cream the other day. I know that sugar is my biggest issue. The rest of my eating is great but too much sugar gets me all the time. After a month into this, the weight is coming off and now I really can't remember how I used to eat. I really didn't have to change that much, as my eating habits were already pretty good - just that darn sugar..................... More mindful eathing, not grabbing a cookie and then saying to myself, "Why did I eat that?" And logging, logging, logging. Workouts are going great, too. I started back to the gym 5 days a week back in 2008 and have never looked back. I turned 65 last month. Decided it was time to do a reassessment of my whole eating thing and besides calories, I'm focused on nutrients and macros. Have never done that before. Thank you all !!!

Fayeworth

My Gran is a feeder. I cannot see her without her trying to force multiple cups of tea, biscuits, sandwiches, crisps and cake in my face. Yet she was the first one to comment that I’d put on loads of weight. You can’t win. Now all I get is “ohhh I think you’ve lost too much, I’m worried about you, don’t lose anymore, ooo you’re looking pale”. I just nod and smile. I think the more noticeable your weight loss and closer to your goal, the more they think you’re starving yourself.

I also think sometimes, your success highlights their insecurities about their weight. But for you maybe not as you’ve said your husband is a normal weight. Perhaps he feels bad for having “treats” that you’re not having xx

KimiAR

So I would ask for a shaken espresso (soy, 2 pumps sweetener is 100 cal-unless you do no cal sweetener) or an americano. Then you’ve asked him to get you something and you are in control of what is brought home to you #beatthesystem. Manipulate him back lol
But really-other advice here you got is great but this wasn’t mentioned as specifically.

Xellercin

Have you asked him why he does this?

kshama2001

I'm not having much success with these Assertive Communication techniques with certain family members, but I think it's due to cognitive deficiencies on their part, not with the technique.

4 TECHNIQUES OF ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

1. Assertive messages
* improve your ability to get your message across to the other person

Assertive messages are made up of 3 parts:
1) a description of the behavior that you would like the person to change
2) a statement about how their behavior makes you feel
3) a brief description of a specific effect their behavior has on something important to you

Example:
1) Behavior: When you don't clean the counter.....
2) Feelings: I feel very annoyed........
3) Effect (tangible): because it makes more work for me.

2. Reflective Listening
* make people feel that you understood their message, de-escalates their anger

Reflective listening is a simple and effective way to make people feel that you understood their message – when people feel heard and understood, they are less likely to escalate their anger. It does not require that you agree with everything they said, it only requires that you listen and repeat back to them the essence of what they are trying to say.

Example:

Other person: I've told you how important this is to me and yet you continue to do it.

Reflective Listening: So you feel that I don't care and that your feelings aren't important to me?

3. Broken Record Technique
* improve your ability to get your message across in situations when you depend on someone to respond to you in a positive way
*
An assertiveness skill that requires repetition of your need or question until your point is acknowledged or you are given help to get your needs met elsewhere. Limit your responding to your immediate goal. Continue stating your goal/need until it is acknowledged.

Example: It's too expensive...I know it's a good value, but it's too expensive...I know about finance deals, but it's too expensive.

4. “Sandwich” Technique
* de-escalates or prevents the other person’s anger and increases likelihood your point will be heard

Requires “sandwiching” your request or suggestion in between two statements that are designed to lower the defenses of the listener. Begin with a positive or sympathetic statement, state concern or request, end with another positive statement.

Example:

Positive Statement: I have always considered you to be one of my best friends.

Concern: So when I heard that you were talking behind my back, I felt really hurt. What I need is
for you to talk to me directly and not get others involved.

Positive Statement: You have always been there for me in the past and I know I can still count on you.

age_is_just_a_number

Just talk with him.

IAmTheGlue

Sometimes I think people don’t like change in others. They may feel threatened because they see your progress and are afraid you are “getting down to fighting weight”, or in other words, preparing to leave them.

If it were me, I would say thank you and not eat it. If he buys you more, I would say “thank you but I’ve not gotten through the last bag of granola (or whatever) yet.”

My son gave me a huge bag of some type of fancy candy with my Mother’s Day gift. I did say thank you. I do appreciate he thought of me but I am not interested in candy anymore so later I passed it on to my husband who manages his weight effortlessly.

I don’t feel guilt that I’m required to eat something someone else bought for me. I say “ thank you, I might have some for a snack (or tomorrow, whatever…)” and let it go at that. Maybe I will. 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe it will go out in the trash or gift it to someone else…