Feeling Guilty

Delgucci

Need some advice…

6 months ago I moved my dog and I from Canada to Switzerland to be with my boyfriend of 4 years. After arriving I gained 30lbs in 3 months mostly due to eating unhealthy and huge portions..
I am studying my masters here but for the summer I originally decided not to work (I have a decent enough savings) just to focus on going to the gym, getting fit, losing weight, learning German, and taking my dog to the mandatory dog courses. The first month of the summer has been great. I’ve been going to the gym 5x a week, doing all the groceries and cooking (so I have more control over what we eat), and have lost 10lbs so far. Then I ended up getting a job offer for a job I applied to a long time ago. I wasn’t going to accept it especially given it pays in a month what I used to make in less than a week in Canada… but it felt like my bf wanted me to take it so I did. This job is an hour commute each way. I start at 9am (leave before 8am) but none of the gyms in my city open until 8am meaning the only way I would be able to go is after I get home from work at 7pm…. That would mean I would be gone from 8am to 830pm almost every day… and then you have to consider I also have to take my dog out for an hour twice a day. So that wouldn’t even leave me half an hour left in my day…
So my guilt is coming from ‘well I came all this way just to be with my boyfriend and now I will literally not see him for more than a few minutes a day during the week’…..
What should I do??
P.s… I’m really not one to jog even though it would be ideal that I could just run with my dog as my daily exercise …

Countandsubtract

That would be confusing. And overwhelming.

Which one do you want to do?


Apologies if this sounds nosey or if I'm completely off-base. You don't have to answer any of this but you can too, if it helps.

Subtle:
It looks like maybe there a couple of things going on:
It sounds like you took the job because it's what you thought your boyfriend wanted but that you guys maybe aren't fully sure of what the other wants. It sounds like even though you communicate it's not very specific or direct. Is it possible that you're both subtle and a little passive when you speak? When I've had super-passive friends, I've had to play twenty questions and or be strategic: "please tell me what time you should get back to chores by so you can get to bed on time because I know otherwise you'll keep saying you want me to stay longer until you fall asleep at the table."

Also, if he's of German nationality, I believe they consider people from most cultures as being very indirect, so if you can't get an answer out of him, it might have been an accident because he was trying to accommodate to your culture?

Unilateral/Conjoined:
I think, too, your situation is different than a marriage in that you have a little bit more freedom to make unilateral decisions. Maybe it would help to think of what you would want to do if your boyfriend has no input on the situation before you talk with him. And then from that figure out what you want to do with taking him into consideration. Then at least when you go to talk to him he's not trying to guess what you want when you're not sure, so he's not sure which side to support.

What you prefer:
It doesn't sound like you want the job. If you feel like you need to pick up the slack financially, maybe you could find a job that's closer by? It's a long commute, I get the feeling it isn't your dream job, it doesn't pay well, and it's interfering with your current goals.

Where are you guys in your relationship with regards to whether you make decisions unilaterally or together? Maybe that's part of what's going on too?



Workouts:
Or if you wanted exercise ideas:
what about biking with the dog, or compact workout equipment,
or meeting him at the gym and working out together?





It sounds like maybe the first discussion should be
1) did/do you want the job
2)did he? And why?
3)do you want it now?
4) to what degree are your choices conjoined -(for this, he isn't the one working a job or with a long commute either way.)
5) what does he want now
6) with all of that in mind, do you still want the job?

Then the rest might fall into place.

And yes, for most of your life, you'll have to make space in your schedule for working out, your partner, and such, but it honestly sounds like that's a lesser obstacle right now.

Lietchi

Ultimately, losing weight and keeping it off is a matter of creating sustainable habits. A workout schedule you follow while you're not working perhaps isn't the best basis for the future if you want to have a job

You could reduce the frequency of your exercise (and if you want, increase the duration) or change the timing.
Do you prioritize spending time with your BF during the weekend and focus your exercise on weekdays, or do you want a few weekday evenings with your BF, but perhaps take time to exercise on the weekend?
Perhaps you can go to the gym with your BF?
Or walk the dog with your BF?
You could combine exercise with walking the dog: cycle with your dog (if he's trained enough for that), if you don't like jogging.

Delgucci

Yeah I realize that hahaha but the plan was more thinking just about the next 2 years of school which I could definitely sustain the schedule given there’s a gym on campus.
For evenings vs weekends it’s been a bit of both just because sometimes he’s busy on one or the other.
We do normally walk the dog together for the evening walk so there is that.
My dog unfortunately is too big and strong and likes to ‘serpentine’ when he runs so cycling is not an option 😅.

Delgucci

@Countandsubtract thanks for your comment!
Yes he is German. I think you’re right there was a breakdown of communication that just came from a time crunch. After I had done the interviews we were discussing it and he was the one very against it originally given that the pay was so low and he said I deserved a break (have been working since I was 15). But then when they eventually sent me the offer (weeks later) and I had asked him to talk it through he kept delaying the conversation until the last day I had to give my final answer. And he just said I should take it (because I confirmed with my school that I would also receive some credits toward my degree). Given that he has been paying the majority of things and will also start his masters in September and reduce his working hours, I felt the obligation to take the job just to avoid the future financial stress.

Yes, he is German & Russian so I know him as very direct therefore when he said I should take the job I just took that as is.

As far as where we are in the relationship, our decisions are rarely unilateral given a certain degree of my dependency on him being in a foreign country.

No it’s not my dream job and I’m not overly thrilled about it, especially the commute but being a non-eu with next-to-no German knowledge made finding a job in the first place quite difficult (originally I didn’t want to even pursue a masters and preferred to just work here instead but was getting nowhere with job applications). So I’m hoping having some ‘Swiss’ experience may help. And it will only be for ~3 months anyways so at this point I may as well stick it out.

I think I will definitely be decreasing the frequency and instead of going mon-fri I will just go mon, wed, fri and could probably squeeze in a weekend workout somewhere.

I am trying to convince him to come with me as he keeps saying he also wants to lose weight as well and just has extremely unhealthy habits. We will see!

As far as the dog goes, he’s just too big, strong and a very scattered runner to take cycling unfortunately. But we are in dog school so hopefully he gets better soon!

Thanks again!