Husband is eating all my food
ChickenKillerPuppy
Posts: 297 Member
I’m a 50 year old woman who has been with my husband since I’ve been 20 years old. He fell in love with me when I was overweight and has always been incredibly supportive and I know he loves me irrespective of my size.
As an adult, I have managed to get my disordered eating under control and have maintain a good weight for me. I hover between 160-180 when I am not doing well, but have maintained between 120-130 for the past 10 years. It’s a lot of work and involves a ton of planning, but it’s absolutely worth it for me.
My problem is that my husband, who knows all this and has never had a weight problem, eats my food. I can plan and plan but he’ll get hungry and just eat what I have saved for my meals. He likes healthy food. So I started (a) just buying double so he has his own stash, and (b) labeling my food so he won’t eat it. This has been mostly working.
This week I travelled for work M-Th and I had already purchased salmon for dinner (which he has never had an interest in). We are hanging out tonight and I go to make my dinner (the salmon I planned ahead for!) and I can’t find it. I ask him and he says he ate it last night bc he was hungry.
I lose it bc it’s 8pm and I literally prepped my whole dinner ready to make this salmon. He offers to go to the store and get more. I am furious bc I have talked to him about my disordered eating. He keeps saying “you let us sit there for 5 days and I offered to go buy you more” but I tell him I bought it before I travelled so I would have it waiting for me. Somehow I am the bad guy.
I’m just frustrated and upset and wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.
As an adult, I have managed to get my disordered eating under control and have maintain a good weight for me. I hover between 160-180 when I am not doing well, but have maintained between 120-130 for the past 10 years. It’s a lot of work and involves a ton of planning, but it’s absolutely worth it for me.
My problem is that my husband, who knows all this and has never had a weight problem, eats my food. I can plan and plan but he’ll get hungry and just eat what I have saved for my meals. He likes healthy food. So I started (a) just buying double so he has his own stash, and (b) labeling my food so he won’t eat it. This has been mostly working.
This week I travelled for work M-Th and I had already purchased salmon for dinner (which he has never had an interest in). We are hanging out tonight and I go to make my dinner (the salmon I planned ahead for!) and I can’t find it. I ask him and he says he ate it last night bc he was hungry.
I lose it bc it’s 8pm and I literally prepped my whole dinner ready to make this salmon. He offers to go to the store and get more. I am furious bc I have talked to him about my disordered eating. He keeps saying “you let us sit there for 5 days and I offered to go buy you more” but I tell him I bought it before I travelled so I would have it waiting for me. Somehow I am the bad guy.
I’m just frustrated and upset and wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.
17
Replies
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Hope the venting helped.
My fella works away 3days mid week and often I find what I have planned for one of my alone dinners has made its way into his ‘lunches’ bag. I always happily revert to a stuffed omelette. Something that I look on as a mid week treat.
Just really want to say it’s nice
seeing a post from you.
Cheers, h.5 -
You're already doing what you can to prevent him from taking your stash. Buying extra, labeling, it all sounds great. The only thing I can offer is having a plan B for if/when he eats your stash again.
I can see why you'd be upset. Maybe now that you lost it on him over the salmon, he'll take more notice?
IDK. Good luck!!8 -
That's a horrible, hurtful thing for him to do. Have you made is absolutely clear the magnitude of impact his behaviour has on you?
If you have, then I can't fathom someone thinking they love someone and knowingly sabotaging their health this way.
It's unconscionable.3 -
Do you have room for a second small refrigerator - with a lock?
Kidding not kidding.16 -
I am confused though — it sounds like the salmon was unlabeled and you were just assuming he wouldn’t eat it?4
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I guess i would have said yes go to store. But i dont eat fish thats been sitting in the fridge after 2 days. At least he was trying to use up what was in the fridge ?
So what did you end up eating?
Personally I'd be pissed he ate it, too lol. I wonder if he won't touch anything now. Perhaps make him casseroles in the freezer his portions when you prep your own ?5 -
I am confused though — it sounds like the salmon was unlabeled and you were just assuming he wouldn’t eat it?
From what OP wrote it sounded like he'd never liked salmon before so she figured it was safe.
I'd be labelling my prepped meals. I already do this so I can identify contents of freezer containers. I use that green painter's masking tape and a sharpie, doesn't have to be be fancy. And sometimes it's a weird code of abbreviations that are only meaningful to me, lol.
Maybe sit down and brainstorm with him what other food options he can choose when he's overcome by hunger.2 -
I am confused though — it sounds like the salmon was unlabeled and you were just assuming he wouldn’t eat it?
From what OP wrote it sounded like he'd never liked salmon before so she figured it was safe.
I'd be labelling my prepped meals. I already do this so I can identify contents of freezer containers. I use that green painter's masking tape and a sharpie, doesn't have to be be fancy. And sometimes it's a weird code of abbreviations that are only meaningful to me, lol.
Maybe sit down and brainstorm with him what other food options he can choose when he's overcome by hunger.
Adding this thought......is there something dh doesn't like? Maybe label with whatever he doesn't like.
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My husband would do this when he was still drinking (he's nearly 3 years sober.) It's intensely selfish behaviour. He now knows that if he didn't buy it and I haven't specifically said he can help himself then it's not for him to just take thoughtlessly. And if he does take something then it must be replaced in short order. It's completely out of order if you're the one who does the groceries and cooking. It's something I'd expect from a teenager not a grown man.7
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Locks:
I agree on getting a lock box and lock. (If he doesn't see what it is, he won't be tempted. Or a lockable frig under your desk at work- it wouldn't completely fix it, but it might help.
Section:
Or label a section of the frig so you don't have to label everything the moment you put it in.
Why:
Or maybe he screwed up but would have tried to respect it if he had been thinking at the time?
Is it possible he doesn't take your request seriously? (This isn't a criticism towards you because I think it's a reasonable request: ) Does he think it's stupid to have separate foods and not be able to eat whatever he sees? Sometimes people get offended about weird things. Also some are resistant to doing something differently than they did as a kid. It would give you guys a starting point for a new discussion. Does he know how many ways you've tried to work around it?
I think too sometimes people are like "oh, I'll just have a little. They'll never notice, then ooops! I ate all three bags, they might notice.
It could even be that he wants to eat a little healthier or smells your food and doesn't stop himself.
Anyway, good luck3 -
Honestly, I think both of you are acting really stuck in your ways and refusing to look at it from the other person's perspective. Personally, I would flip out on you if you left a salmon in the fridge for 5 days without eating it and then dared to get upset about me using it. That salmon was probably going rancid at that point. You need to have a genuine conversation with him about how you feel he's being extremely disrespectful and inconsiderate of you by eating your food. Remind him that if he eats your food, you have nothing to eat. And make that really obvious when it happens. If he ever eats your food again, say clearly how hungry you are, that you're really disappointed you don't have anything to eat, and then tell him to get his butt up, go to the store, and get you replacement whatever it was. And do that Every. Time. It. Happens. Consistency in your response is key.7
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While his lack of respect for your diet is rightly frustrating, and I can see this salmon was the last straw, to be fair I don't think he was wrong this one time. Dude sees a single portion of something in the fridge that's going bad (it should have been in the freezer until the day you needed it...), it's not labeled, you're not there, honestly it's fair game at that point.
I agree with someone above that having your own specific stash area may help. Your own specific drawer or shelf in the fridge, or area of the pantry, and remind him he needs to go to the damn store himself if he wants more snacks rather than dipping into yours.
Something we do which helps meal planning is a 7-day magnet calendar on the fridge, to write down upcoming meals. It's good for planning around total calories per day, and as a reminder when to remove things from the freezer. If you had written salmon for that day and whatever his meal was, it would have been an additional reminder for him. Not saying this is your fault at all, just offering a suggestion to maybe help for the future.6 -
I completely wigged out on my husband 2 times. He stole chips from my bag. You know, the single portion chip bag like at Subway? Ya, he stole a chip, on two separate incidents. These sacred chips are bought and paid for on MFP in calories, and I WILL NOT share. Do not steal a single chip! After the second time, he has not done it again. Apparently the first wig-out wasn't extreme enough for him to learn immediately. Living and loving other humans is really challenging sometimes!5
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I think everyone here has very helpful suggestions. I just came to say I totally feel it when the food I thought I was going to have is not there (it was taken or went bad too quickly) and I have to pivot. I keep certain easy-to-prep things on hand at all times for this purpose because my biggest concern is getting the right protein and calories. I have a couple things I know for a fact the hubster won’t touch, and they are in my freezer at all times.
I love the suggestion about labeling containers with names of foods you know for a fact he would never eat regardless what’s actually in it, like “sardine salad.” You could even label it as something non-food like “stool sample.” He may realize what’s going on, but at least it’ll make him think twice before popping that container open.3 -
Because my spouse is Mr. Meat, and I'm a vegan, we cook for ourselves and eat very different things. But in general I don't mind him trying what I cook for myself because it expands his palette.
BUT . . .There was this once:
Similar to your Salmon Incident, I had been working 14-hour days in the woods for 5 days without cell phone access. Driving home, I stopped for gas about an hour away from home I texted him and asked him to put a casserole I knew I had in the fridge in a low oven for me so it would be ready when I got home.
When I got home, he met me at the door and told me that he had cleaned out the fridge in my absence and threw away the casserole because he "didn't remember making it" so "didn't know how old it was." Although he apologized and offered to take me to dinner as a substitute, I was so exhausted and sweaty and cranky after fieldwork that I just sat down at the dining room table and big-ugly-snot-cried. I think I ate oatmeal for dinner that night.
The Snot-Cry Casserole Incident made an impression on him, though: ever since, he ALWAYS asks or texts me if he's thinking about nibbling on something on "my shelf" in the fridge.
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I'm not saying this is what's happening but if this goes on and on after this it's possible that on some subconscious level he doesn't want you to lose weight (if you get a lot of looks from other men or if he's afraid of losing you because he feels like you can get someone "better" now). (Or on the flipside maybe he wants to lose weight too, but he doesn't want to admit it.) Either way, I agree that communication is likely your easy answer.
I don't think that's indicated at this point, but there are definitely people in the world like that.2 -
My husband doesn't have a weight problem either and I struggle too. (70lbs+ heavier years ago). I hope this doesn't happen too often and that the venting helped. I'm annoyed when my husband eats the last of something I wanted too but always have a frozen dinner and favorite soups as backup. I know it's not the same as fresh, but I've always disliked confrontations about food. Part of me wants to get mad sometimes though! I feel your pain!1
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I would be in marriage counseling for these glaringly obvious communication issues.3
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"Hell yes, drive to the store and replace my dinner. And then tomorrow we can discuss whether or not you are willing and able to provide the communication and support that I need to be happy in this marriage."1
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Sure, it is a road block or an issue to resolve - and use counselling to do so if getting stuck sorting it yourselves - but not sure it is really marriage ultimatum time
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I have been reading this thread the last few days and it seems there is a lot more going on here than someone eating up the stinky fish. People are so worried about OP’s spouse “stealing” food (in this case literally 5 day old fish ) that they suggest labeling it as stool samples or locking it up instead of agreeing to the spouse’s offer to go out and get fresh fish? Y’all need to up your calorie alottments on MFP bc that sounds hangry!
Personally, I would have been grateful not to come home to old fish in the refrigerator, and while under normal circumstances I would say the spouse should replace the food he ate, if it is something that was going bad it is reasonable to think that the person traveling had intended to eat it before her trip and didnt have a chance to, and that he is doing a good thing by not letting food go to waste.
Maybe part of the solution could be that since the couple is married and they both like to eat healthy according to OP they could shop for and plan/prep healthy meals together. That way there would not be “my” food and “his” food stashed and labeled and eaten separately as if they are roommates. Maybe OP could even score a meal waiting for her at home when she gets back from her trip if she and her spouse were sharing food or at least sharing planning/shopping for food or at the very least knowledge of what is in the fridge.12 -
Sinisterbarbie1 wrote: »I have been reading this thread the last few days and it seems there is a lot more going on here than someone eating up the stinky fish. People are so worried about OP’s spouse “stealing” food (in this case literally 5 day old fish ) that they suggest labeling it as stool samples or locking it up instead of agreeing to the spouse’s offer to go out and get fresh fish? Y’all need to up your calorie alottments on MFP bc that sounds hangry!
Personally, I would have been grateful not to come home to old fish in the refrigerator, and while under normal circumstances I would say the spouse should replace the food he ate, if it is something that was going bad it is reasonable to think that the person traveling had intended to eat it before her trip and didnt have a chance to, and that he is doing a good thing by not letting food go to waste.
Maybe part of the solution could be that since the couple is married and they both like to eat healthy according to OP they could shop for and plan/prep healthy meals together. That way there would not be “my” food and “his” food stashed and labeled and eaten separately as if they are roommates. Maybe OP could even score a meal waiting for her at home when she gets back from her trip if she and her spouse were sharing food or at least sharing planning/shopping for food or at the very least knowledge of what is in the fridge.
💯1 -
You say you prepped your meal with the salmon in mind. You could let him know you’re disappointed, but why not take him up on going to get another piece of salmon? Or eat something else?3
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paperpudding wrote: »Sure, it is a road block or an issue to resolve - and use counselling to do so if getting stuck sorting it yourselves - but not sure it is really marriage ultimatum time
Yeh, I thought that too. Definitely needs some communication and listening, compromise, some sort of solution but ready to 'leave me food alone or leave?' JMO but if it came to that, there'd be a whole lot more going on.
Good Luck @ChickenKillerPuppy and hope something has gotten resolved for you.3 -
Maybe part of the solution could be that since the couple is married and they both like to eat healthy according to OP they could shop for and plan/prep healthy meals together. That way there would not be “my” food and “his” food stashed and labeled and eaten separately as if they are roommates. Maybe OP could even score a meal waiting for her at home when she gets back from her trip if she and her spouse were sharing food or at least sharing planning/shopping for food or at the very least knowledge of what is in the fridge.
That only works if
they like eating the same foods
they both want to do meal prep
they are on the same work schedules to eat at same time
I'm sure OP doesnt buy all her own food separately - since in fact she said she often buys double so there is some for him too and that he doesnt usually like salmon.4 -
If it were me and I saw salmon sitting in the fridge 5 days (and I actually liked salmon, which I don't), I can imagine I'd eat it before it went bad. Five days is a long time to leave fish refrigerated rather than frozen, after all.
Maybe try labels with the date you plan to eat each important item and make a deal with him not to touch things until that date has passed? If you put a label on that salmon like "Saturday dinner" then hubby will know it's off limits until then but come Sunday, it's fair game.4 -
If it were me and I saw salmon sitting in the fridge 5 days (and I actually liked salmon, which I don't), I can imagine I'd eat it before it went bad. Five days is a long time to leave fish refrigerated rather than frozen, after all.
Maybe try labels with the date you plan to eat each important item and make a deal with him not to touch things until that date has passed? If you put a label on that salmon like "Saturday dinner" then hubby will know it's off limits until then but come Sunday, it's fair game.
OP never says the salmon was in the refrigerator. It could have been canned. It could have been frozen (obvs wouldn't want to start with frozen for a quick dinner if it was a filet, but I think there are frozen patties you can cook from frozen). It could be cured and vacuum packed and shelf stable.4 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »If it were me and I saw salmon sitting in the fridge 5 days (and I actually liked salmon, which I don't), I can imagine I'd eat it before it went bad. Five days is a long time to leave fish refrigerated rather than frozen, after all.
Maybe try labels with the date you plan to eat each important item and make a deal with him not to touch things until that date has passed? If you put a label on that salmon like "Saturday dinner" then hubby will know it's off limits until then but come Sunday, it's fair game.
OP never says the salmon was in the refrigerator. It could have been canned. It could have been frozen (obvs wouldn't want to start with frozen for a quick dinner if it was a filet, but I think there are frozen patties you can cook from frozen). It could be cured and vacuum packed and shelf stable.
Like others, I'd assumed we were talking about fresh raw salmon. I reread the OP and it does not specify, but does say “you let us sit there for 5 days..." To me, that eliminates canned or frozen. Sealed smoked salmon would have lasted longer than 5 days in the frig. But if fresh raw salmon, yeah, 5 days is too long to sit in the frig.
https://www.stilltasty.com/fooditems/index/182451 -
missysippy930 wrote: »You say you prepped your meal with the salmon in mind. You could let him know you’re disappointed, but why not take him up on going to get another piece of salmon? Or eat something else?
If I'm hungry and want to start cooking NOW, a trip to the store is going to add too much time. I'd make something else, but I'd be annoyed.2 -
I’d just simply tell him,”Babe, that (insert food name here) in the fridge is for my meal. Please don’t use it.”
I don’t think we have any kind of corner on the effective communication market, yet it works for us.
Simple and effective. But, my beloved is a babydoll.3
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