What are some ways to redirect people when they comment on weight loss/body change?
echristensen010
Posts: 27 Member
I have lost weight and toned up over the last year and people who haven't seen me in a while, especially since I was pregnant have been commenting on the change.
While sometimes it's nice to hear that I've "lost weight" or "look great" it can also be pretty awkward.
What are some natural ways to redirect the conversation?
Note: a really specific circumstance is having friends who have gained weight comment on my body changes.
I can tell that while they may be happy for me or impressed, there are clearly other feelings going on related to how they feel about their body. Any advice on this particular topic is also welcome!
While sometimes it's nice to hear that I've "lost weight" or "look great" it can also be pretty awkward.
What are some natural ways to redirect the conversation?
Note: a really specific circumstance is having friends who have gained weight comment on my body changes.
I can tell that while they may be happy for me or impressed, there are clearly other feelings going on related to how they feel about their body. Any advice on this particular topic is also welcome!
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Replies
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Just say, "Thanks." And immediately ask about their job, hobby, family, or basically anything that you have in common. A one word response is polite, but doesn't extend the conversation.6
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Yup, say thanks and move on.
It doesn't sound like you feel the need to offer unsolicited advice to those specific groups of people (good!
) so quickly move on. 1 -
Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...3 -
echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
If friends are pushy, you are allowed to be upfront and say, "You know, I appreciate your concern, but I'd really rather not discuss it anymore." You could also, instead of guessing as to motivation, inquire directly, "You keep bringing this up - is there something in particular you want to talk about?" (I would only suggest this if you really are willing to get into the nitty gritty of it with her; don't offer if you aren't willing - and I honestly wouldn't be except for a very few close friends because of how fraught these conversations can get.) But you can be direct if need be without being rude.
I'll be honest, after my weight loss I felt very conspicuous in some contexts and became aware of a lot of conversations about diet, food, and health that maybe were going on the whole time but I just wasn't paying attention to them in the same way. I think I ended up saying my "piece" one time, where I tried to be respectful but basically said that I thought a lot of the stuff out there was super woo and weird (like highly specialized diets and MLM products etc), and nobody really listened, so after that if the topic comes up I've found a way to be busy doing other stuff. My experience has been that the people who claim to want to dive in deep with me about weight loss/health/nutrition really don't actually want advice at all, with a few very notable exceptions.
Only you know if this friend is likely to be one of those or not!5 -
I generally go with a 'thank you, I've been working really hard' which makes it clear it's deliberate.
I only talk more about it if people ask specific questions.
With the best will in the world most people aren't interested in hearing about the various gym classes, distances run, getting up at the crack of dawn, the intermittent fasting, etc etc. and I'm not that interested in their unsolicited opinions about things that are working just fine for me 🙄6 -
littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I generally go with a 'thank you, I've been working really hard' which makes it clear it's deliberate.
I only talk more about it if people ask specific questions.
With the best will in the world most people aren't interested in hearing about the various gym classes, distances run, getting up at the crack of dawn, the intermittent fasting, etc etc. and I'm not that interested in their unsolicited opinions about things that are working just fine for me 🙄
I love that reply! I'm going to try it next time.0 -
Any of these should shut down that conversation quick enough:
"Looks like you found it."
"Tapeworms suck, am I right?"
"Technically, I lost mass."1 -
echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
I like the redirect (Thanks, then change subject) that others have mentioned.
Personally, if they want to talk more, I try to get a quick read on motivations. (If you really don't want to talk about it at all, you don't have to go any further than redirect, or "let's talk about something else" if they're pushy.)
Speaking for myself only, and with all observations about other people biased by my social context:
I've had a very small number of friends who sincerely wanted to learn "how to", or were deep into sincere weight-loss efforts themselves (not just pro forma claims of intent). (Sadly, it seems many women my age say they want to lose, but they don't actually want to change anything: More looking for magic tricks, because they think the weight gain was caused by external factors, not choices.)
With those people who have sincere/serious interest, I'm willing to talk about details, starting in a limited way at first, just short answers to their questions until I gauge attitude (science or magic) and seriousness. I prefer not to have these talks in groups, just one on one.
If instead the intent is "are you sick" (but they don't want to ask that outright), some of the responses above are good, like the "working hard" one. (I'm a cancer survivor, so know viscerally that there's very little as socially awkward as congratulating someone on weight loss when they're actually battling a serious health condition!)
If there's a whiff of "you're getting too thin" (caring on their part, or defensive because they're anxious about their own weight, doesn't matter), my go-to is ". . . my doctor is really happy with my goals/results" (which is true in my case, BTW).
One of my friends - usually smart, honest and insightful - did have that "are you anorexic" kind of reaction at one point. At the time, I brushed her off, mostly laughing sincerely at the thought, but also using the "happy doctor" line, and telling her I was usually eating more than 2000 calories daily at that point (true).
A couple of years later, I asked her why she reacted that way. It was a longer convo, but basically she thought it was a combination of shock (because it's pretty statistically uncommon in our social set to see a 60ish y/o woman lose multiple tens of pounds steadily, pretty happily, while healthy, and in a health-cautious way) and envy (her sentiment, not my re-interpretation).
I also do think that toward the end of losing, and for maybe a couple of months after, I realistically looked a little haggard, until my skin-shrinkage (especially facially) caught up with the fat loss a bit, and stuff like my glycogen levels topped up a bit again post-deficit.
Repeating myself: You don't need to go that far in any conversation, if you truly don't want to talk about it. Personally, I'm willing to be open about it, but don't want to waste my time if it's profitless for me and the other person(s) both. It matters to me who asks and why (in my best estimation) they did so. YMMV.
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I had one reaction I found strange, and tbh a bit disturbing.
Over covid times I lost about 60 pounds thanks to MFP and doing a lot of weights too. Not quickly, an average of just under one pound per week. By the time we saw people again I'm sure I looked quite different from before. With my in-laws, if I was ever that weight in the past it was only briefly a long time ago. Upon seeing me, they were insistent that I shouldn't lose any more weight. They said it to me and privately to my wife after that.
I'm a guy. At the time my BMI was 27.6, which is of course flawed because it doesn't take into account muscle. I hadn't estimated my body fat %, but I'm sure I was low 20's%, and I was still carrying fat around my waist, and considering my waist size too I was best case, if we're being generous, at the upper end of 'normal' weight range, more honestly the low end of 'overweight' range, and the high end of healthy body fat percentage for my age. No way I could be mistaken for thin or skinny or anything like that.
And yet, they thought I shouldn't lose any more. It felt like society is so used to people being overweight, it was like a subconscious effort to keep me in that grouping. Almost like it would be unhealthy to actually be lean.
There was no possibility that they thought there was any medical reason for my weight change btw.5 -
Just say thank you, I appreciate that, no need to over complicate it FFS.6
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echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
You've already done the Appeal to Authority, and she is still persisting, which is...odd. I'd keep repeating "My doctor is delighted with my progress" and change the subject.2 -
kshama2001 wrote: »echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
You've already done the Appeal to Authority, and she is still persisting, which is...odd. I'd keep repeating "My doctor is delighted with my progress" and change the subject.
I have one acquaintance who is everyone's "therapist" - meaning, she reads too many psychology blogs and tries to find pathology in everyone's behavior. It's pretty exhausting, and tends to make people defensive. I know I can be a know-it-all sometimes too, and I listen when I get pushback. "Oops, I'm outta my lane again!!"
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I've lost 155 pounds this year and work in an office with 900 people.
I know this all too well. It can be very awkward and it was becoming an issue with my co worker CONSTANTLY wanting to talk to me about it to the point I wasn't getting enough work done. They are all soooo nice and sweet but yeah I've learned to give a heartfelt thank you and move on4 -
kshama2001 wrote: »echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
You've already done the Appeal to Authority, and she is still persisting, which is...odd. I'd keep repeating "My doctor is delighted with my progress" and change the subject.
To be fair, appeal to authority is a logical fallacy, meaning it's considered a completely invalid argument. Just because someone's a coach or a therapist doesn't immediately mean they're not a complete idiot. Which may be why she still gets some pushback. Honestly, the OP simply doesn't need to defend themself at all, just change the topic.1 -
sollyn23l2 wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
You've already done the Appeal to Authority, and she is still persisting, which is...odd. I'd keep repeating "My doctor is delighted with my progress" and change the subject.
To be fair, appeal to authority is a logical fallacy, meaning it's considered a completely invalid argument. Just because someone's a coach or a therapist doesn't immediately mean they're not a complete idiot. Which may be why she still gets some pushback. Honestly, the OP simply doesn't need to defend themself at all, just change the topic.
In practical terms, appeal to authority is not an invalid argument when the other side of the argument is some diet-myth nonsense that Aunt Susie read in a tabloid in the supermarket check-out line, next to stories like "Taylor Swift gives birth to alien baby".
"My doctor (or therapist, whatever knowledgeable actual formal authority) supports my goals" is a rational counter argument in that scenario. Perfect argument? No. Of course the doctor (etc.) could be an idiot. But in that scenario, odds are on the doctor vs. Aunt Susie's tabloid headline.
Aunt Susie has probably never studied formal/informal logic, debate, etc., either, so the structure of the argument is quite unlikely to be the reason for push-back. More likely: She probably believes all doctors are in thrall to Big Pharma, or paid to undermine people's health to save the government/companies pension money.3 -
sollyn23l2 wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
You've already done the Appeal to Authority, and she is still persisting, which is...odd. I'd keep repeating "My doctor is delighted with my progress" and change the subject.
To be fair, appeal to authority is a logical fallacy, meaning it's considered a completely invalid argument. Just because someone's a coach or a therapist doesn't immediately mean they're not a complete idiot. Which may be why she still gets some pushback. Honestly, the OP simply doesn't need to defend themself at all, just change the topic.
In practical terms, appeal to authority is not an invalid argument when the other side of the argument is some diet-myth nonsense that Aunt Susie read in a tabloid in the supermarket check-out line, next to stories like "Taylor Swift gives birth to alien baby".
"My doctor (or therapist, whatever knowledgeable actual formal authority) supports my goals" is a rational counter argument in that scenario. Perfect argument? No. Of course the doctor (etc.) could be an idiot. But in that scenario, odds are on the doctor vs. Aunt Susie's tabloid headline.
Aunt Susie has probably never studied formal/informal logic, debate, etc., either, so the structure of the argument is quite unlikely to be the reason for push-back. More likely: She probably believes all doctors are in thrall to Big Pharma, or paid to undermine people's health to save the government/companies pension money.
Exactly right. And that's also why it's considered an invalid argument. No matter what I want you to believe (women can't fast, women have to fast, eggs are bad, eggs are good, being overweight is good being overweight is bad, being overweight is neutral, losing weight is good, losing weight is bad, losing weight is neutral) I guarantee I can find a doctor/dietitian and/or therapist that will agree with me. I'm not saying we shouldn't ever listen to doctors, I'm just saying *most* people are not going to care if your doctor/therapist/whoever said somethings ok.0 -
sollyn23l2 wrote: »sollyn23l2 wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »echristensen010 wrote: »Great, succinct advice - I love it!
Do you have advice for friends who want to talk more about it? I have basically jsut been listening and limiting my comments (which can be REALLY hard!).
They say they care concerned about my weight, which I reassure them they don't need to be because I am working with a coach, and have a therapist, and have no history of EDs. From what I can tell her reaction is less about my progress/change and more about how she is feeling about herself.
Maybe the best thing I can do is just keep listening and try to ask insightful questions to help her work through how she is feeling...
You've already done the Appeal to Authority, and she is still persisting, which is...odd. I'd keep repeating "My doctor is delighted with my progress" and change the subject.
To be fair, appeal to authority is a logical fallacy, meaning it's considered a completely invalid argument. Just because someone's a coach or a therapist doesn't immediately mean they're not a complete idiot. Which may be why she still gets some pushback. Honestly, the OP simply doesn't need to defend themself at all, just change the topic.
In practical terms, appeal to authority is not an invalid argument when the other side of the argument is some diet-myth nonsense that Aunt Susie read in a tabloid in the supermarket check-out line, next to stories like "Taylor Swift gives birth to alien baby".
"My doctor (or therapist, whatever knowledgeable actual formal authority) supports my goals" is a rational counter argument in that scenario. Perfect argument? No. Of course the doctor (etc.) could be an idiot. But in that scenario, odds are on the doctor vs. Aunt Susie's tabloid headline.
Aunt Susie has probably never studied formal/informal logic, debate, etc., either, so the structure of the argument is quite unlikely to be the reason for push-back. More likely: She probably believes all doctors are in thrall to Big Pharma, or paid to undermine people's health to save the government/companies pension money.
Exactly right. And that's also why it's considered an invalid argument. No matter what I wa nt you to believe (women can't fast, women have to fast, eggs are bad, eggs are good, being overweight is good being overweight is bad, being overweight is neutral, losing weight is good, losing weight is bad, losing weight is neutral) I guarantee I can find a doctor/dietitian and/or therapist that will agree with me. I'm not saying we shouldn't ever listen to doctors, I'm just saying *most* people are not going to care if your doctor/therapist/whoever said somethings ok.
But the reason they don't care is not (usually) that they recognize that the technical structure of the argument is flawed. They keep pushing back out of some other motivation, typically, IME: Nosiness, pushiness, greater belief in their own "experts", envy, genuine concern in an environment where fat seems normal, etc., etc. That's my point.
I won't pursue this further. I understand your point. You are absolutely correct about the logical, technical flaw in appeal to authority.
I'm saying that it's not that technical flaw that matters in most of these discussions, that's all. The appeal to authority (doctor, etc.) will help shut some of these conversations down, in a practical sense, in my experience.
I'm not surrounded by logicians, but maybe that's just my biased sample of the total population.1 -
Once again, I think you're absolutely right, and I completely agree.1
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I say thank you and do my best to move on.0
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I think a lot of people are just awkward. They notice you’ve changed, and they have a need to connect with you and talk about it, but they don’t know how. Especially friends who are struggling with weight. There might be a mix of awe, envy, wanting to know your weight loss “secrets.” And what comes out is, “”So… you’re getting pretty skinny.”
Or they could just be obnoxious. 🙂
Showing sincere enthusiasm for your own accomplishment (not in a braggy way) could work. “Thank you for noticing. I kid you not, I feel better than I have in a long time. I am seeing muscles I didn’t know existed!” Or, “Thanks! It’s been a lot of work, but I feel like I’m finally getting the hang of it. I had no idea I like vegetables as much as I do!” Either of these could help redirect into a discussion about the healthier activities you’re doing rather than the size of your pants.5 -
Humans are visual creatures. We rely on visual cues to find food, partners, keep track of children and so on. The comments and compliments will come to an end, people adjust and adapt to changes.1
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