Polite Education

CrazyMermaid1

I’ve noticed some responses to OP questions come off shaming. I don’t think the posters mean it this way. Any ideas on helping OPs understand this?

kshama2001

Well, if it is in fact "Attacking/Insulting other members" you can Flag > Report it.

We have a variety of communication styles here. You and/or OPs may see some of the blunter ones as shaming. You could reference different communication styles and that something is lost in written communication.

Here's a common scenario:

OP: Help! I'm doing everything right and not losing weight.
[After some back and forth]
P: You're not losing weight because you're not logging properly.
OP: How dare you accuse me of being a liar! I feel shamed!

I try to cut through all that by asking to see their diary. It's much faster. There are a number of things I look for to see if their logging can be improved. If they are not interested if sharing their diary, I am not interested in helping, and move on.

In this case, P has a 99.99% chance of being right, but could make it less personal. P could reference the "You're not using a food scale" thread, suggest the OP tighten up their logging for a month, and then report back.

Or you could do that.

However, you're not allowed to explicitly call other posters out for being shaming. That could be considered an attack

https://www.myfitnesspal.com/community-guidelines

sollyn23l2

kshama2001 wrote: »

Well, if it is in fact "Attacking/Insulting other members" you can Flag > Report it.

We have a variety of communication styles here. You and/or OPs may see some of the blunter ones as shaming. You could reference different communication styles and that something is lost in written communication.

Here's a common scenario:

OP: Help! I'm doing everything right and not losing weight.
[After some back and forth]
P: You're not losing weight because you're not logging properly.
OP: How dare you accuse me of being a liar! I feel shamed!

I try to cut through all that by asking to see their diary. It's much faster. There are a number of things I look for to see if their logging can be improved. If they are not interested if sharing their diary, I am not interested in helping, and move on.

In this case, P has a 99.99% chance of being right, but could make it less personal. P could reference the "You're not using a food scale" thread, suggest the OP tighten up their logging for a month, and then report back.

Or you could do that.

However, you're not allowed to explicitly call other posters out for being shaming. That could be considered an attack

https://www.myfitnesspal.com/community-guidelines

I feel personally attacked right now😆

SuzySunshine99

I honestly think that these message boards are the most polite on the entire internet.

Any truly abusive posts are quickly removed. Most people are here to help, and some are more blunt than others, but that does not constitute "shaming" or abuse.

I can't control how other people perceive my comments. I try to be helpful and polite, but I'm not going to talk to people like fragile children. I assume we are all adults who can handle an opposing viewpoint, or at the very least ignore it if you don't like what is said.

What kind of irks me is when people specifically ask for advice for a problem they are having. And then declare that we are all being "rude" for not giving the answer they were looking for.

springlering62

It’s hard to hear “tone of voice” on a message board, and frankly, asking about or discussing one’s weight is about the most mortifying thing you can do.

I think cringe is in the eye of the beholder here.

I’ve taken the stance that, if folks have built up the courage and taken the time to ask, then they deserve a straightforward answer. It’s up to them to interpret the intonation, and I can’t help how they do.

That said, I do feel an incredible urge to verbally smack some folks around, especially those who are here to find the “secret” to fast and easy weight loss they are convinced the rest of us selfish SOBs are withholding from them.

Sinisterbarbie1

There are also people who post a question — usually of the “why have I plateaued variety — get a thread full of sensible advice and analysis and then post the same question in a different thread or the next week.
And folks that are giving other folks absolutely incorrect advice (that their metabolism has stopped working because they are eating too little and is thus now only storing fat against a coming famine is common, or that someone has miraculously gained 3 lbs of muscle — which weighs more than fat — in the first three days of their new diet/exercise regimen rather than that the person is just retaining water from new exercise).

For the first group of people —repeat posters of the same question- folks might just get annoyed for good cause, or wonder if the person has understood the advice given the first time. Hence the more blunt response the second tme around.

For the second group —internet myth spreaders — those just need to be nipped in the bud on a site like this. If people who apparently are interested in nutrition and exercise persist in believing these myths and spreading them to others who are trying to improve their health I think it is appropriate to correct them with blunt/vivid illustrations of why their mistaken beliefs can’t possibly be true ( i.e. starving people don’t die fat).

I haven’t personally perceived either explanation to be shaming or intended as shaming but the first time I heard someone on here explain some of these basic ponts in blunt and smple terms I did have a “duh!” Head slap moment myself even though the conversation was not directed at me

AnnPT77

+1 to @Sinisterbarbie1's comments about history, with the addition that if we strictly interpret the rules we're not to call out or criticize what someone said on another thread, so one can't really explain. There are fine lines . . . .

I do think it's fine (and I think it's within OK range of the rules) to post something not aimed at an individual post that says "some posts may seem brusque/blunt, but I think everyone is trying to help", "I don't think people intend to be shaming" or something generic like that, before or after typing some (?) kinder (?) formulation.

I try to be kind and stay on the high road, but I'm sure I've come across as shaming someone sometimes. (I actually wondered if you were talking about a couple of my recent posts on the less-kindly side.) I'm a human. Sometimes I lose patience. Part of the time I have the good sense not to post in those cases. Other times I don't. I'm sure others here go through the same sometimes. (Hey, we work for free - worth every penny, typically.)

I agree that MFP is a mild, gentle, helpful place compared to the average chat-type place on the internet. But even here, it's a tough place for people who are especially sensitive - and I mean that sincerely, with sympathy for them. Some of us are more easily hurt than others, and there's a bad constellation of factors that can converge, like the lack of tone-signifiers in text, differences in ability to write clearly, different readers' varied interpretations of the same words, international/multi-cultural participation so different communication norms . . . .

It's maybe a wonder than anything good ever happens. But I feel that way about nearly any multi-person human endeavor.

Corina1143

Ever notice that the people who reply to questions like the one
@CrazyMermaid1 asked definitely ARE NOT the one the question is about?

snowflake954

When one posts on an internet forum, one takes ones chances. People here give advice for free. Some is good. Some is bad. Some is very bad. For a newbie that means you have to know the difference. The older posters try to help by pointing out the bad.

When I started here (10 yrs ago) , I was a "lurker" for quite a while. I just followed the boards without posting until I got the lay of the land. I would suggest this to someone new because 95% of the questions asked have been addressed many times before.

PS: I will also ask the OP to post a bit more and help the newbies with their questions. We all are open to learning.

paperpudding

Corina1143 wrote: »

Ever notice that the people who reply to questions like the one
@CrazyMermaid1 asked definitely ARE NOT the one the question is about?

well, no - since I have no idea who the question is about and it shouldnt be about anyone individually anyway.

springlering62

I wouldn’t be where I am today, without these boards, and the awesome, sympathetic people on parallel journeys who responded to questions, frustrations, and weird events (like explaining why my butt shockingly collapsed overnight like a pair of 80’s balloon curtains. Turns out it wasn’t so “shocking” once explained.)

Abrupt answers or not. I found value and caring replies. As I lurked like @snowflake954, I began to recognize posters’ styles. I eventually felt comfortable enough to participate and what a help that has been.

One of my favorites is @ninerbuff who is infamous for terse but knowledgeable- replies. On the other end of the spectrum is @AnnPT77, who is like the EF Hutton of MFP. You want to learn something quick fast and in a hurry? Seek her responses on the boards and then settle in with a cup of coffee.

SuzySunshine99

Corina1143 wrote: »

Ever notice that the people who reply to questions like the one
@CrazyMermaid1 asked definitely ARE NOT the one the question is about?

I assumed it to be a general question. If it's "about" a certain person, then it shouldn't have been posted, as that is against the rules here.