How to deal with negativity about calorie tracking?

christinefrano

I am constantly get ringed out for weighing my food or for saying no to foods at gatherings. I have been serious about tracking and weight lifting, but my family or peers don't seem to understand it (or my goals).

I'm also dreading Easter dinner because my husband's family constantly tells me how I'm already thin or nit picks what's on my plate. Since I'm hosting, I plan on making a couple healthy alternative dishes for myself and I'm incredibly anxious.

Any suggestions?

neanderthin

My brain doesn't work like that but I can empathize with you somewhat but as the old saying goes, misery likes company and people don't want to be reminded that weight and health are noble goals. imo.

Saying that, if your making all the food from scratch, so to speak, what for example would be classified as unhealthy, unless you feel calories or calories from certain foods are a problem. I would just concentrated on portion control this weekend if your that anxious. Cheers

SuzySunshine99

I know it might be hard, but just do what you have to do to achieve your goals. Don't share your goals or your methods with anyone. Don't talk about what you're eating/not eating and why. Don't talk about weighing and tracking. Don't try to explain or make people understand. Just do it without talking about it.

If people comment about what is or is not on your plate, just shrug, don't engage. Hopefully, if they get no response from you, they will give up and move on to more interesting topics. If they persist, just say you're not interested in talking about what's on your plate and change the subject.

It's nobody's business, and you don't need to justify your goals to anyone. Stay silent on the topic and guide the conversation elsewhere.

JaysFan82

Lol tell them to piss off.

I went through the same thing during my journey for a bit. Just worry about yourself. I bring my own turkey burgers to BBQ's. The ones saying something also the ones wishing they be in the shape I am at age 41 now that I've lost 165 pounds.
People will either be supportive or not. Just stay focused because YOU know how worth it this is .

tomcustombuilder

As I got older I cared less and less what other people thought.

springlering62

JaysFan82 wrote: »

… The ones saying something also the ones wishing they be in the shape I am at age 41 now that I've lost 165 pounds.
People will either be supportive or not. Just stay focused because YOU know how worth it this is .

^^^this

I’ve gotten used to being judged at Bunco, holiday gatherings ,etc. “look at her stuffing her face” kind of mentality.

They have no idea I cut calories before and/or after, or plugged in an extra workout, nor is it any of their business.

After a while you get to the point where people not only don’t remember you used to be obese and count calories, but will actually argue with you that you’ve “always been thin since I’ve known you”.

That freaking blows my mind. But it does reinforce that they see and perceive what they want to see.

If you feel pressured tomorrow, you could always smile and say, “I’ve already sampled my way through the cooking this morning to make sure it was perfect for you”. They don’t have to know otherwise.

springlering62

And PS I do bring things to share like airpopped truffle salt popcorn, veggie sticks, light dips etc to gatherings.

Whether I stick to them or not is another matter but at least I have myself options. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And friends do get used to it. My giant vat of popcorn is sort of a running joke now.

Rockmama1111

If people are truly commenting on what a grown adult puts on their plate, then those people are obnoxious. Ignore them. That said, nobody has ever commented about what’s on my plate. I go to a lot of family gatherings and my strategy is to take a tiny dab of every delicious side and a good portion of the protein and vegetables.

If you are bringing out your food scale and weighing your food at a family gathering, you have to be prepared for curious questions. It’s different, and that’s just how it is. You could just estimate instead. It won’t kill you.

Sissylynn1979

Here's the thing... and this doesn't only apply to weight loss/food choices:

If you defend yourself, then you are engaging in the battle. If you explain yourself, you are engaging in the discussion.

When you respond to people who are in your business, you're validating them. You're implying that they have a *right* to be in your business.

My response to inappropriate questions/comments is usually a process something like...

Bob: "1st inappropriate comment"
Me: "I appreciate that you care enough to be concerned! How's Paul doing?" (or any other topic-changing question)
Bob: "2nd inappropriate comment"
Me: "I don't feel like my personal decisions are an appropriate topic of conversation. Have you talked to Jim lately?"
Bob: "3rd inappropriate comment"
Me: "This conversation is over. Let's talk about Jerry's new job!"
Bob: "1st inappropriate comment"
Me: *actively ignores them by walking away*

After that, I literally get up and walk away whenever that person mentions the topic again. It's annoying at first because I have to get up and move away like 100 times. But eventually, if they don't get a reaction, they shut up. And if I apply the same method to *everyone*, it solves the problem of the "Bob" in the scenario enlisting other people.

Jerry: "Hey, Bob said you were being really rude."
Me: "I appreciate that you care enough to be concerned! How's Paul doing?" (or any other topic-changing question)
Jerry: "You know, people have a right to be worried about you"
Me: "I don't feel like my personal decisions are an appropriate topic of conversation. Have you talked to Jim lately?"
Jerry: "It's not really a big deal, why not just hear them out?"
Me: "This conversation is over. I hear you got a new job!"
Jerry: "You could be the bigger person"
Me: *actively ignores them by walking away*

Walk away. Hang up. Leave or send them away. You're an adult, and no one else has a right to tell you what to do, or force you to discuss something personal.

They are the ones being inappropriate.

springlering62

OTOH, at least they are concerned about you. All I ever got was “you’re getting so thin! Oh, you’re not ill. Great! How’d you do it? “

Followed by immediate glassy eyed stares as I launch into the benefits of calorie counting.

Really. That’s all you have to do is say “oh, I count calo…..” and they’re generally gone like a flash.

No engagement necessary.

Sinisterbarbie1

I love Sisslynn’s approach - that way when your family is really obnoxious you are also racking up steps for the day !

On a serious note, I just didn’t say anything about what I was doing and if someone noticed on their own I took Sisslynn’s approach more or less. People actually did not notice until I had lost enough weight to have to buy all new clothes. It is more fun discussing new clothes if one has to discuss inappropriate topics than food IMHO.

sollyn23l2

I think that, often, we open ourselves up to this because we can't help ourselves from bringing up how our weight loss is going or how we're proud of ourselves for sticking to our calories, or we really need to stick to our calories and not eat too much at this event, or what have you. I've found, for the most part, if we don't bring it up, they will rarely comment on it.

AlphaHowls

Random unsolicited advice:
"How's that working for you?"

Random comment about my body:
My doctor thinks my weight is great for my age.
My doctor thinks my activity level is great for my age.
My doctor does not have any complaints like you do about my weight/activity level.

Random comments about my portions or choices:
Keep your eyes on your own plate
Stay in your lane


One comment I consider:
It is considered rude/inappropriate to comment or name call people or body shame. You do not want to be called obese/overweight and I do not wish to entertain you calling me 'skinny'.

Retroguy2000

I'm sorry to hear you're dreading it and feeling anxious. You absolutely should not.

What little I can tell from your small profile pic, you're fit and healthy. If that wasn't the case, and they were expressing concern for your wellbeing, that's one thing. I assume this is not the case here. If you're healthy and have personal goals, or are preparing for a competition and every day matters, then *kitten* em. They're in the wrong, not you. I have no tolerance for people who don't support others health goals, especially friends and family whom it's fair to expect better from.

However, if you don't have a specific near term goal like an event, would one day of eating a bit more hurt? I'm just saying that one day of 500-1000 extra calories won't make any difference by the middle of next week, so if there happens to be good options to have that you don't normally have, you could partake and enjoy it, without going overboard of course. But do so for your benefit, not theirs.

vivmom2014

We don't really know anything about you, OP, but CONSTANTLY getting bugged about what's on your plate? It doesn't quite add up; regular folk don't constantly harp on what other adults are eating, do they? Is this something you talk about a lot? You've said that they do not understand your goals -- could this be because you're underweight or have a history of extreme dieting?

Otherwise, what everyone else said. A shrug is great for shutting down most conversations. Those who would continue to goad you might require a shrug + leaving the room.

AnnPT77

I think others have given good advice: Minimize your responsiveness if/when people bring it, don't bring it up yourself, just do what you do in the spirit of it being the most natural thing in the world for you to do. Be polite, limit show of emotion to the extent feasible. (Be boring to poke at. Maybe politely suggest that they're being boring because you've heard it all before. "Really, again? (wry laugh). Shrug.)

One add on - with the recognition that this may come off as obnoxious, and if so, I apologize in advance. It's literally a core piece of my personal life philosophy at this point. I learned it (oddly) in some work-related training.

The core idea is that if there's something happening that I don't enjoy or appreciate, I should think about what I'm doing or have done to create, promote, or allow that thing. This is not a new way of saying "how is this my fault" and just blaming myself, though. It's just a be-honest self-question: Sometimes there's literally nothing there.

But it has a side effect: It focuses my attention on finding the parts of the situation that I control, or at least can influence. Those are the levers I have to change the situation. Pretty much always, at minimum I control my own response, attitude, reactions, feelings. Other people's nonsense doesn't live in my head unless I let it.

That said, my (internal) emotional response is less important in creating change than is finding an external response that's more likely - not guaranteed - to turn the situation somewhat.

I'm not saying you're doing this - no idea, no sign of it in your post - but a thing that surprises me sometimes IRL is that people will externalize their internal emotional response (get mad, sulk, lash out, whatever) in ways that make the current situation or future outcomes worse. Managing my own emotions can be hard, but it makes sense to me to think of situations in terms of what (honest) thing I can do that will raise the likelihood of getting the outcome I want.

christinefrano

Thanks all!! I appreciate all the advice and support!!

It went better than I thought. If I ever deny desserts or other food I just get asked why, get made fun of, etc. It's not really "normal" with my husband's family to not eat sugar/fat or eat healthy..😅 It's almost like a group of drinkers trying to peer pressure you to have another beer.

But going forward I am going to just let it go and remind myself I'm doing nothing wrong. I will put everything y'all said into practice. Thanks!

westrich20940

Learning to communicate (and enforce) boundaries is hard. But if you really truly are doing things in a healthy way...it's OK to simply state to people "Please don't comment on what I'm eating or not eating" and there needs to be no more explanation to that. That's a general good practice for everyone - don't comment on people's bodies/food etc.

I don't think you need to go as far as to make *different* food for yourself separate from your regular Easter dinner though (I know Easter has already happened). You just fit what you're eating into your daily calorie goal (or better yet...weekly calorie goal).

I tend to not do well when I'm restricting myself...so I eat what I want and on Holidays/special occasions I eat what I want. Only difference now is that I make a plate, and go somewhere else to eat it and try not to hang out around the snacks - that can lead to me mindlessly eating more than I really am wanting or craving. Taking the time to eat and enjoy your food and then actually feel how full you are is a good practice as far as limiting over-eating when it's a struggle.

Hiawassee88

@christinefrano Hope you had a great family dinner. More holidays are coming around the corner.

Every time we swallow our words to keep the peace, we reaffirm someone else's opinions are more important than our own. We don't have to field criticism for our food tracking choices. I agree with @sollyn23l2 .

I make a stand and I don't fix their discomfort. It only gets in the way of their growth. You wouldn't want to rob them of their chance at improvement.

hoarc1987

Let them have their natural reaction. Just say thank you and make a polite excuse. Use etiquette and void confrontation. Your life will be less stressful. Don’t tell them about your dieting. Make some silly excuse

kshama2001

I generally hosted/helped the host at family gatherings and didn't bother to weigh my food as it was so much work to put these on.

I did have to contend with food pushers, however. My strategy at potlucks was to fill my plate with salad /veggies plus small portions of the food I really wanted so whenever the pushers looked, they'd see a fullish plate. If I still got pushed, I'd say I was "saving room for [X's famous dessert.]"

neanderthin

Here's a post I made here back in 2013 for an upcoming catering event I had and was criticized by one of the people that would be attending. Fun times. cheers.

https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1132165/my-cocktail-menu-got-bad-reviews/p1

cwolfman13

I don't really log anymore, but when I did I didn't advertise it. Nobody knew I kept a food diary except for my wife because I live with her and frankly we're both fitness and health minded individuals. I never weighed my food or anything like that when out at a restaurant or social event...I know what a reasonable amount of X, Y, or Z is and social events or holidays and whatnot are not particularly material to the big picture. Sometimes I would indulge...sometimes I wouldn't...again, not really material to the big picture. Not every single day has to be 100% on point to be healthy, well, and fit. That said, I don't recall anyone commenting on what was on my plate or not on my plate. I eat what I want...I'm 48 years old...anyone with an opinion on that can just bugger off.

I have found alcohol to be a different matter. I cut down on alcohol substantially since the new year and recently decided to go AF for at least 90 days...I'd have to check my app but I'm on day 38 or 40 or something like that. It's part of an overall wellness program I'm doing that starts with 2 weeks and progresses to 30 days (if you so choose), then 60, then 90+. It's not just about not having alcohol and challenging yourself not to drink...the program is a whole wellness program...mental health, physical health, career health, domestic health, etc...lot of journaling and whatnot...establishing healthy habits and setting goals, etc (a great book I'm reading right now is called "Atomic Habits" by James Clear...fantastic) At any rate, we've had a couple of social gatherings and I inevitably get the very concerned, "is everything ok?" "Did something happen?"

People, even modest drinkers, can't seem to believe that one would just give up alcohol for a bit to hit the reset and have at least a look see as to how being AF can improve one's overall well-being. It's kinda weird really. Meanwhile, being AF has lead to much greater sleep quality and recovery, more consistent and profitable workouts, more energy in general, stress and anxiety at all time lows, decreased blood pressure, lowered RHR, better skin, no more bags under the eyes, and I wake every single day ready to rock. Doesn't really bother me...I'm too old for it to bother me, I just find it to be odd behavior. It doesn't affect them in the least and I know that the next day I will wake up with the sun with no hangover or foggy brain and ready to make myself 1% better than I was yesterday and those 1%s add up...

Jthanmyfitnesspal

@cwolfman13 : Right on, man. When you minimize the alcohol, you find out how dependent everyone (and maybe you, yourself) are on alcohol for social connection. It's kind of weird! Greatly reducing alcohol shouldn't mean giving up your social life. In fact, the opposite should be true, you're more alert and responsive when sober.

I have to say, it's easier with age. More and more of my friends are working to reduce alcohol.

In any case, concerning the @christinefrano post way back in early April: This is a real problem for calorie counters. People project some sore of pathology on us! I set it aside to some extent at big meals, but if other people comment on what I eat, I get prickly.

If someone says something once, I'll defer. Like, if someone says "why aren't you having any dessert? I might say "maybe in a few minutes, I'm full right now."

If someone harps on me (which hasn't happened very often), I might say "hey, you're making me feel bad. Can't we talk about something else?"

If they just wouldn't let it go at all, I might not come next time!

chris_in_cal

I've always fantasized about doing this:
"Enough about me, who here has really gained a lot of weight. Come on let's go tell them how they are getting too heavy."


People never bring up when I am blowing up, and they often talk when I'm getting more healthy and fit.... backhanded remarks like the OP.

Honestly I am a little ashamed when I am blowing up, but I would love it if someone approached me empathetically and engaged me about my health and well-being.

christinefrano

Today I made the mistake of weighing some of my cake and the relative who ridicules my healthy eating habits saw. In front of everyone at my party she called me out on it and I honestly feel terrible about myself like I did something wrong. It got so quiet and awkward and I explained how my husband and I are watching our sugar and sodium intake.

It's Costco cake n Lord knows the cals n sugar are crazy in that. So I wanted to keep track...But was I in the wrong to do it? Is it obsessive if I like to track my food if it's at my house? I didn't track the other stuff, but I wanted to track that.

I just feel bad now...

csplatt

I don’t weigh my food in front of other people who are guests in my home. I feel it makes them feel self conscious themselves, like perhaps they are doing something wrong for not bringing their own scale. Unless it’s your spouse or BFF, I wouldn’t whip out a scale in front of guests 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe you could pre weigh something in future and set it aside for yourself.

AnnPT77

christinefrano wrote: »

Today I made the mistake of weighing some of my cake and the relative who ridicules my healthy eating habits saw. In front of everyone at my party she called me out on it and I honestly feel terrible about myself like I did something wrong. It got so quiet and awkward and I explained how my husband and I are watching our sugar and sodium intake.

It's Costco cake n Lord knows the cals n sugar are crazy in that. So I wanted to keep track...But was I in the wrong to do it? Is it obsessive if I like to track my food if it's at my house? I didn't track the other stuff, but I wanted to track that.

I just feel bad now...

You are a grown person. You were at your own party. You were in your own house. Your relative was rude and intrusive IMO, waaayyy out of line.

I can't imagine criticizing someone's eating habits, especially in front of others. The only time it might be legit to criticize eating habits would be out of sincere concern about health, and even then it should be done quietly and in private.

I know it doesn't help if someone says it, but there's absolutely no reason you should need to feel bad. IMO, the relative should feel bad. If s/he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about it, but if there was any bad behavior in this scenario, it was that person who behaved badly.

Virtual hugs!

christinefrano

@csplatt I thought I was the only one in my kitchen honestly lol.

@AnnPT77 I just can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong...I feel very self conscious now and don't want people thinking I have an ED because everyone else usually associates the scale with that. I just have goals and want to keep on track (and I ended up eating a bunch of cake later anyways lmao).

DFW_Tom

There is no reason to feel as if you did something wrong, @christinefrano. If your body shape changes enough, those who know you will either think you really do have an eating disorder, be happy for your improved health, or maybe even jealous that you are succeeding where they have failed. People, (even family and friends) can think what they like. You have no obligation to explain yourself.

That said, when we have family/guest over I leave my food scale in the drawer. After losing over a third of my body weight and 14" off my waist, I get more comments and questions than I care for without the digital scale sitting on the counter possibly encouraging even more unwanted comments and questions - or worse, causing my guest to feel uncomfortable about their own way of eating. Later, after they are gone, I'll log my best estimate of what and how much I ate. Estimates work just fine in the long run.

If your body shape changes enough, questions and comments are unavoidable. Same with the embarrassing compliments. Outright ridicule and negativity is very rare and I deal with it harshly - especially if it came in front of others.