Am I being vein???

mstarrett01

So I am getting married next May and my MOH is very overweight, is it mean if I ask her to loose a few pounds? She has always been up and down with her weight, and now she has gotten up there, I would say she is at least 40 lbs over weight. I do want her to be healthy, and I would like her to look good in the dress I decided to pick out for her. Is that vein?

Also she doesn't have a job, and I am doing a destination wedding so she will need money for 1. the dress, 2. home and board, 3. eatting, 4. extras. So when would be a good time to tell ask her if she is going to be able to afford all this? She has been very irresponable with the job front lately and she can go months and months without a job, she is living with her parents again. We have been friends for over 18 years (since I was 9), but I dont konw if she will be able to be in my wedding.



Ok so I am sounding swallow. You guys are right. I never wanted to ask her to loose weight, and I have asked her to join me on here to get healthy. My fiance is the one who wanted to me ask her to loose weight, I felt that would be rude. I am mostely concerned about the money issue with her. She wanted to be my MOH, since we have been best freinds since we were 9.

kimberly428

WOW...sounds like you are being very self centered and your only thinking about you and your wedding. If your so worried about it dont invite her.

MissNova

I would say yes, you have no right to tell anyone to lose weight if you yourself are trying to lose weight. Love her for her and embrace the friendship. It is okay to be worried for her health but giving her a number is not your place at all.

ZebraHead

maybe an artery?? Sorry couldn't resist.

That said (and leaving Loose out of it ) Your not being vain but rude perhaps. Do your own thing and allow them to do the same. She'll come or she won't.

nehtaeh

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

xXmimiXx

I know it's your day but I'd concentrate on you looking good, if you've asked a friend to be your MOH you should really love them for who they are inside not out, I think it's really mean personally!!!!

Leigh14

I think the best way to go about this is to share with her. You are obviously on a journey to lose some pounds, too ... why not invite your maid of honor and bridesmaids to workout with you? Plan meals together? Shop together? Talk fitness and health? Just don't do it in a forceful way - ask them to join you for support! It's a benefit to everyone involved and a way to help your friend get healthy without making her feel like you're pointing out her flaws.

As far as the job issue goes, that's really hard. If she is living with her parents and they are supporting her, I'm sure they will assist with her transportation, dress, food, room, etc. Have you tried talking to her about why she's not motivated to get a job?

Families_R_Forever

Maybe being in your wedding is just the thing to motivate her in both areas. I bet she would hate to miss out on this important step in your life. I DO think that asking her to lose weight would be rude, regardless of her weight she is still your friend. I really think she would be offended. You could however let her know about this site and how it is helping you, and that you would love her to be your friend on here...That is one way to go around it. In the end we all have to lose weight for ourselves and not others...it has to be her.

RedneckWmn

I don't think you are being vein. However, I think you are looking at it from the wrong perspective. It's your best friend for a reason. You should worry about you looking good and not how she is going to make your wedding look. If you were concerned about her health then it would be completely different. I would be very offended if my friend came to me and asked me to lose 40 pounds to be in her wedding. I would feel much better about it if she came to me because I was in poor health. This is just my opinion.

Mellie13

I agree that it is very rude and disrespectful (maybe a little vain). She has to get healthy on her own terms, you can't make her. If she is your MOH, she must be a good friend and you should love her the way she is. If you were truly just interested in her health that would be different. I totally agee with making sure she can affoard being in the wedding, though. We did that for all our wedding party before everything was set in stone to make sure they didn't fell obligated and that we would have time to get a replacement if neccesary. Good luck!

havingitall

Are you worried about your pictures not looking right because of her weight? Try and explain that to her without sounding offensive.

If you truly love her then accept her for what she looks like. If you want to be superficial, then maybe you need to ask a skinny friend to be in your wedding party.

So to answer your question...not vain.... just very shallow

Clew

Agreed - don't mention the weight - that's rude and hurtful. But I think it's not out of line to ask her to be candid with you about being able to participate from a financial standpoint, and gently make sure she knows you'll be counting on her to be there if she promises to do so - and if she cant it's much better to let you know now.

Hope it all runs smoothly for you!

adc143

I think it's extremely rude to ask her to lose weight for your wedding. Yes, it is your day, but that is no excuse to lose your manners and possibly your relationship with someone close to you. I know that if someone did that to me, I wouldn't want to be in their wedding at all!

As for the money, it is completely understandable to make her aware of the price of being in your wedding. She needs to know, and you also need to know if she is willing to make/spend the money.

4lafz

Wow! What the others said. I think you must have asked the wrong person to be your MOH!

Jamiebee24

I don't think you have the right to ask her to loose weight unless she just gained 40 pounds from the time you asked her. Maybe you could tell her how much fun you are having loosing weight and eating healthy and see if she would like to join you. You could even tell her that you need some motivation to loose some weight for your wedding and ask if she could help. You guys could have a "biggest loser" competition. That way, you both are being healthy, and you don't come over as being bridezilla! As far as the money goes, you should sit down with her and tell her whats going to be expected of her---and if she can't hack it, then I guess you can find a skinny MOH!

ron2282

I've been in 11 weddings (including my own and one coming up in October). If any of the brides had said that me, I highly doubt that we would still be friends and I most definitely would have backed out of the wedding.

The money issue is another thing. I just had to tell a good friend last night that I could not be in her wedding next June. She's getting married on a cruise and it’s just not financially feasible for my husband and I. When you chose to have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared that not everyone you want to be there will be able to make it.

verykristin

Vein is what your blood is traveling through. Vain is what you mean.

mstarrett01

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

MsElphaba

If you have all these concerns, I am wondering why you asked her to be your MOH. As far as her weight, that is who she is. Without turning yourself into a Bridezilla, you are going to accept her for who she is and the best thing you can do for her is select a flattering (or at least a not so unflattering) dress.

As for the travel. Tell her ASAP. It will inspire her to get a job and get some money for the trip or she will bow out of her duty as your MOH giving you time to find a replacement. Do bear in mind that this isn't the best economy for finding work and you might need to let her know that her presence at your wedding is enough of a wedding present, so ease her financial load.

havingitall

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

How does that happen?

erica79

I'm getting married in October. My MOH came to me a couple months ago and told me she was pregnant. I went out of my way to find a dress that would look good on her as well as the other girls in my party. Even though it is my wedding I wanted everyone to be comfortable and happy. If your MOH is someone you love her appearence should not matter.

ZebraHead

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

This is new information then. You are in a bit of a pickle as they say. How long have you allowed this 'friend' to think she was your MOH?

KarenECunningham

Since she is your Maid of Honor (I am guessing that is what MOH is) she must mean a lot to you. When you really care about someone then how they look shouldn't matter even for your wedding. When my daughter got married her bridal party were all different sizes and shapes but since we chose a simple dress in a lovely color (I had them made by a seamstress) and everyone had their hair up and make up on,they were all beautiful and the pictures are lovely. Each one of the girls meant a lot to me and my daughter and when I look at the pictures all I see is a vision of beautiful young women who because of their different coloring, sizes, height, and shapes complement the pictures in their own unique way. I wouldn't ask if your friend can afford to be in the wedding but I would let her know the costs up front and let her work that out on her own. Is there anyway you can help by paying for her dress or some other way? Your wedding is special to you of course and I understand you would probably like everything to be perfect but it is for one day and you don't want to lose sight of your friendships. After the wedding is over you will still need your friends (husbands are great and I absolutely adore mine) but we need our girlfriends too. Nothing is more precious than a lifelong friend and it is rare to have a friendship that has lasted like yours. :flowerforyou:

wolvenchic

Eek, if there was that much trouble, I think you should have reconsidered your choice in MOH. I think it would be extremely inappropriate to ask her to loose weight. However, if you feel like she needs to be healthier, mention that *you* need a workout buddy, see how she reacts, if she says no, you have your answer. As for the costs for the wedding, you really should consider if its the right thing to invite her, as her friend... it is also your responsibility to make sure you are helping her out too..if she cannot afford all this, then explain the situation and find another bridesmaid if you are not willing to pay it - dont put her in a financial bind because of *your* special day. That would strain a friendship heavily, and in my opinion, would probably not be worth it.

As for your wedding, I really hope all goes well, just try and keep in mind that the wedding is about you and your hub to be sharing a special day with people. Its going to be your big day, however, it is only one day and is the start of a commitment. If she is your friend, she would understand if you cant afford to bring her, but in return, if your her friend and know all of this - you need to realize how much you are asking of her all for one day that isnt even about her.

zeala

I think you're being more self centered than vain. I'd be absolutely appalled if my even best friend would ask me to lose weight for the wedding. And lets face it, it's mostly for the wedding now and not so much for her health.

If you've invited her and told her what the costs are, then she should be aware of it. If in the end she can't make it, then she can't make it, but it's not your business to get into her finances either, unless she asks for it.

I know I sound harsh, but I think you need to mind your own business in these two things at least.

mstarrett01

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

How does that happen?

She is my best friend and figured she would be the MOH. The second I told her I was engaged and when I was getting married she has been wanting to plan and keeps saying she is the MOH. Never once did "Will you be my MOH" come out of my mouth.

lilmissy2

I think it would be rude to ask her to lose weight. If YOU want her in your wedding (do you??), then I think she should be there, regardless of weight and that you would regret her not being there more than you would care in the long run whether she looked how you wanted her to in photos. If you don't want her to be the MOH then perhaps you need to have a genuine discussion with her about that.

As for the money side of it, I think you need to be clear from the beginning of what you expect. I know a lot of bridesmaids have everything paid for them by the bride (or family) so she may not even have considered that she would have to pay. (Perhaps this could be a scapegoat if you don't want her as your MOH... yes, I realise that is terrible but I also appreciate how difficult it would be for you to tell someone that perhaps they have overestimated your investment in your relationship)

Best of luck to you!

hroush

If you are worried about her not looking right in the dress that you picked, I think she would also be able to figure out that it won't look right and may want to change for that purpose.

Another possibility is if you heart is not dead-set on this dress, maybe you could just pick the color and let her choose the dress. This is what my wife had her bride-maids do as they ranged from a size 0 to 24. It would not be fair to try to put them all in the same dress, so she just told them blue velvet, full length, and from David's Bridal (winter wedding). The pictures turned out marvelously and some people didn't even realize that they weren't wearing the same dress.

The final question is, which is more important to you, your best friend or how she looks in a dress? If you ask this of your friend, you could very well lose her, or at least your relationship will not be the same.

Laceylala

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

This is your problem to fix. If you want another girl to be your MOH, then that is definitely in your control to make happen. To me after reading this comment it sounds like you didn't want her to be your MOH in the first place and when she suggested that she was you are maybe trying to find reasons to force her to quit?
I'm not saying this to be rude to you by any means, it just seems that you are frustrated with the situation, and worried to boot about the reliability of your MOH.
I think you have every right to be concerned about her making the trip but you also have to trust that if she says she can do it then good, but maybe have a backup plan just in case. As far as her losing weight, no unfortunately that is not something you have a right to ask of her. I like another posters suggestion that you work WITH her to lose weight by encouraging her to work out with you, etc.
I guess at the end of the day, what you need to decide is what her friendship means to you and if your wedding means more. Weddings are one day in a lifetime, can you live with her being overweight and standing next to you as a good and true friend? Or can you live with a lifetime of remembering that you asked her to stepdown? Either way you need to be happy and at peace with your decision.
Good luck and congrats!

Phoenix_Rising

I've been in 11 weddings (including my own and one coming up in October). If any of the brides had said that me, I highly doubt that we would still be friends and I most definitely would have backed out of the wedding.

The money issue is another thing. I just had to tell a good friend last night that I could not be in her wedding next June. She's getting married on a cruise and it’s just not financially feasible for my husband and I. When you chose to have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared that not everyone you want to be there will be able to make it.

I've been in 12 weddings now. Had any bride ever asked me to lose any weight, I would have dropped the friendship immediately as well. Yes, that is being vain. She is either your best friend who you want beside you as you plan this wedding and get married, or she is not. Her weight has nothing to do with her position beside you.

I had to back out of a wedding earlier this month (I backed out in January) due to lacking finances to be the MOH. I couldn't afford the dress, the shoes, or throwing the showers. I think you do need to discuss this with her, and let her know that if she decides to back out, it would be best to tell you MUCH sooner than later (for wedding planning purposes) and that you will be completely understanding of her financial situation. As far as you paying, let her know that under the financial pressures of paying for your wedding, you don't have a lot of cash to offer to pay much for her to be in the wedding.

Phoenix_Rising

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

How does that happen?

She is my best friend and figured she would be the MOH. The second I told her I was engaged and when I was getting married she has been wanting to plan and keeps saying she is the MOH. Never once did "Will you be my MOH" come out of my mouth.

OH MY!