Am I being vein???
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If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.
As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.
I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH
Does she know how you feel about her? Because, quite honestly, I wouldn't want to be your MOH. Maybe she feels obligated...or maybe just assumed she was it??
I was "overlooked" as my best friends MOH because I couldn't afford the responsibility. But she didn't tell me that was why she didn't ask me. She didn't tell me anything...so I felt "overlooked". Months after the wedding, she told me why. I was still a little hurt, but I totally understood. I would have wanted to be the best at it, because she deserved it..and that just wouldn't have been possible. Had I heard it was because of weight...I would have been pissed! (though, that wasn't for me back then)
I think you need to have talk with her...NICELY... addressing your concern for ability to afford the responsibility. But addressing her weight because you don't think she looks good enough to be in your wedding is just wrong...on so many levels!0 -
I think it would be rude to ask her to lose weight. If YOU want her in your wedding (do you??), then I think she should be there, regardless of weight and that you would regret her not being there more than you would care in the long run whether she looked how you wanted her to in photos. If you don't want her to be the MOH then perhaps you need to have a genuine discussion with her about that.
As for the money side of it, I think you need to be clear from the beginning of what you expect. I know a lot of bridesmaids have everything paid for them by the bride (or family) so she may not even have considered that she would have to pay. (Perhaps this could be a scapegoat if you don't want her as your MOH... yes, I realise that is terrible but I also appreciate how difficult it would be for you to tell someone that perhaps they have overestimated your investment in your relationship)
Best of luck to you!
Wow I have never had anything paid for me when I was in a wedding. I always had to pay for EVERYTHING! Wish I was in the weddings you were talking about.0 -
WOW thanks guys, you really did make me see what I look like. But I really wasn't going to EVER ask her to loose weight. And of course I never will.0
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I took a minute to reflect on your post and came up with this very honest (albeit blunt) response:
If my very best friend said to me, "Hey, I'm getting married. I hate how fat you are and you're also going to have to pay for everything yourself if you want to come" yeah..... we wouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly because if she said/thought something like that, I'd realize she's not someone with whom I'd want to be friends in the first place. And if that was the case, why in the world would I want to pay money to go to her wedding?
1. It would be extremely rude and hurtful for you to suggest she needed to lose weight in order to look "good" at your wedding.
2. I personally find it very rude to expect her to pay to be a part of your wedding. Your wedding is YOUR expense, not hers.
3. The definition of vain is being overly concerned/proud about your own appearance so no, you're not being vain (nor vein). The way you're coming across here, however, is childish and selfish among many other adjectives.
4. If you don't want her to be your Maid of Honor, you should communicate that with her. Choose someone rich and beautiful and then all your problems are solved!
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I think it would be rude to ask her to lose weight. If YOU want her in your wedding (do you??), then I think she should be there, regardless of weight and that you would regret her not being there more than you would care in the long run whether she looked how you wanted her to in photos. If you don't want her to be the MOH then perhaps you need to have a genuine discussion with her about that.
As for the money side of it, I think you need to be clear from the beginning of what you expect. I know a lot of bridesmaids have everything paid for them by the bride (or family) so she may not even have considered that she would have to pay. (Perhaps this could be a scapegoat if you don't want her as your MOH... yes, I realise that is terrible but I also appreciate how difficult it would be for you to tell someone that perhaps they have overestimated your investment in your relationship)
Best of luck to you!
Wow I have never had anything paid for me when I was in a wedding. I always had to pay for EVERYTHING! Wish I was in the weddings you were talking about.
Everybody is different. I know in the South it's customary for the bride to pay for the bridesmaid dresses etc. However, that's not everybody.0 -
Definitely agree with littlespy. if you never wanted her to be the maid of honor, TELL her she's not going to be the MOH, you have someone in mind. Or discuss with her that you wanted to ask her (if you did) and then tell her you're just concerned she won't be able to afford the dress, shoes, whatever you require her to pay for and that's why you haven't asked until now. Otherwise, you're stuck with someone as your maid of honor who you either didn't want in the first place or who is going to be like "I can't afford it...think you can spot me?" or cause a bunch of drama because she's broke and jobless.0
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Are you having an Open Bar?0
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I took a minute to reflect on your post and came up with this very honest (albeit blunt) response:
If my very best friend said to me, "Hey, I'm getting married. I hate how fat you are and you're also going to have to pay for everything yourself if you want to come" yeah..... we wouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly because if she said/thought something like that, I'd realize she's not someone with whom I'd want to be friends in the first place. And if that was the case, why in the world would I want to pay money to go to her wedding?
1. It would be extremely rude and hurtful for you to suggest she needed to lose weight in order to look "good" at your wedding.
2. I personally find it very rude to expect her to pay to be a part of your wedding. Your wedding is YOUR expense, not hers.
3. The definition of vain is being overly concerned/proud about your own appearance so no, you're not being vain (nor vein). The way you're coming across here, however, is childish and selfish among many other adjectives.
4. If you don't want her to be your Maid of Honor, you should communicate that with her. Choose someone rich and beautiful and then all your problems are solved!
WOW Thanks for being blunt. I know I am being a little ***** about it. I guess I didn't get my point accross. My EVERY single wedding I have been in (including hers) I had to pay for EVERYTHING! So if I am being a "bad" friend for expecting her to pay for her room and board, and her dress then I guess every single person I have ever been in a wedding for is a VERY BAD FRIEND, including her.0 -
I took a minute to reflect on your post and came up with this very honest (albeit blunt) response:
If my very best friend said to me, "Hey, I'm getting married. I hate how fat you are and you're also going to have to pay for everything yourself if you want to come" yeah..... we wouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly because if she said/thought something like that, I'd realize she's not someone with whom I'd want to be friends in the first place. And if that was the case, why in the world would I want to pay money to go to her wedding?
1. It would be extremely rude and hurtful for you to suggest she needed to lose weight in order to look "good" at your wedding.
2. I personally find it very rude to expect her to pay to be a part of your wedding. Your wedding is YOUR expense, not hers.
3. The definition of vain is being overly concerned/proud about your own appearance so no, you're not being vain (nor vein). The way you're coming across here, however, is childish and selfish among many other adjectives.
4. If you don't want her to be your Maid of Honor, you should communicate that with her. Choose someone rich and beautiful and then all your problems are solved!
WOW Thanks for being blunt. I know I am being a little ***** about it. I guess I didn't get my point accross. My EVERY single wedding I have been in (including hers) I had to pay for EVERYTHING! So if I am being a "bad" friend for expecting her to pay for her room and board, and her dress then I guess every single person I have ever been in a wedding for is a VERY BAD FRIEND, including her.0 -
Are you having an Open Bar?
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
I don't think anyone was calling you a bad friend...But I do think that if you want her to be in your wedding, then you can help pay for her! And, if you don't really want her to be in your wedding, then tell her ASAP!0
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When you had to pay for everything, were they having a destination wedding? I'm just curious because I imagine the expense would be a lot more than just paying for dress, make-up, hair etc... although to be fair if they were planning to attend anyway I guess they would have had travel expenses regardless of whether they were in the bridal party.
I know a lot of people who have paid for everything, absolutely everything, bridesmaids, groomsmen, father and mother of the bride clothes etc. I am paying for everything for my bridesmaids but that was my decision and I don't think it is rude for you to ask them to pay, I just think it is best not to assume they know you want them to pay.0 -
I don't think anyone was calling you a bad friend...But I do think that if you want her to be in your wedding, then you can help pay for her! And, if you don't really want her to be in your wedding, then tell her ASAP!I know a lot of people who have paid for everything, absolutely everything, bridesmaids, groomsmen, father and mother of the bride clothes etc. I am paying for everything for my bridesmaids but that was my decision and I don't think it is rude for you to ask them to pay, I just think it is best not to assume they know you want them to pay.
I disagree. In the US, it's known by every girl that the bridesmaid pays for her dress, shoes, makeup, hair, etc. unless the bride says otherwise. There's no reason the bride should have to pay for it since there is a good chance she's paying for the wedding... now if she's not and CAN front the cash or help the bridesmaid pay for it AND wants her in the wedding, fine, that's her choice.
Otherwise, I think it's pretty crappy that the friend probably realizes she won't be able to pay for it and isn't saying anything -- or maybe she has a backup plan the bride just doesn't know about. Either way, first off, it needs to be made clear whether the bride wants her to actually be the maid of honor or not.0 -
I would have to disagree with those suggesting that you help pay for her expenses. My husband has "stood-up" as a BM or a Groomsman in four weddings, and we have paid our own expenses for each wedding. When we were married our attendants each paid all of their own expenses -- clothing, travel, and accomodations if required. We have turned down weddings because we could not afford the expense. I think if you wish her in your wedding you need to make it clear to her what you expect those expenses to be, that you will not be able to help her with them and then allow her to decide if she can afford it.
As to whether or not she is your choosen MOH -- you need to address this immediatly; the longer it goes on the worse it will get. Were you her MOH? IF so that could be why she expected to be your's. Do you have a sister or future SIL that you can replace her with?0 -
Search the web for Wedding Etiquette (who pays for what) I am sure there are many different lists.
Here's one: http://ourmarriage.com/html/who_pays_for_what.html
It says MOH pays for her dress
But the Bride (or Bride's family I guess) pays for accomodations for 'out of town' guests.
So if you're having a "destination" wedding everyone is an out-of-towner and the bride should pay to put them up...
I'm just reading from the page.
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Oh man, it is seldom that a thread entertains me on here anymore. This is just funny! I am pretty sure you could've foreseen this response on a website based on losing weight. Haha. Even if you never were going to ask her, you still asked an entire forum if you should. Honestly, if you were vain, you would want her to stay fat so that you could look super skinny on your wedding day. Haha. I think it's more that you are too chicken to tell her how you really feel and are trying to find a passive way to handle your problem.
You have a few options depending on how much you care about this "best friend" of yours. You may:
1) ask her to be your rock and join with you as you get in shape for your wedding, and then HOPE that she coughs up some dough.
2) ask her if she can handle the expense. Put the expenses all out there so that she knows exactly what she would be obligated to do. Express that you love her and want her to be happy, and don't want to put an extreme burden on her when she is down on her luck.
3) tell her that you are giving the job of MOH to family since it will be so expensive, and pick a skinny minny cousin to wear your dress
4) tell her she weighs too much and lose a friend (and probably some pals on here )
Basically, just be proactive. Most of all, don't let her believe she is the MOH when you really don't want her to be. Stand up for yourself and grow up. Things can be handled tactfully. Ask your mom how to handle it or an adult female relative. I imagine your fiance knows that if you tell her to lose weight, she'll never speak to you again and your problems are solved. Is that really what you want?0 -
I will admit that I happen to be a vain person.(Not horribly bad, but I think everyone one of us has a little vanity inside us) But honestly, if you are worried about hurting her feelings with the whole weight thing, then maybe just change your dress idea. Find something that would flatter her body. I am a big girl, and I have been in a few weddings where I was "the big girl" but I would ask the bride if I could alter my dress. (I am really top heavy and a strapless/backless dress isn't gonna do it) and if they would say no then heck I would just be stuck looking like a porn star in this scandalous dress haha. Also, seeing herself that big in the pictures just might be the wake up call she needs, because in her mind she might not be as big as she really is. It would be right there in front of her black and white. And ask her about the money issue FOR SURE. You don't want to have depended on her this whole time to be your MOH and then all of a sudden she can't last minute because she didn't end up making enough money.
If i were getting married I wouldn't mind having a heavier girl in my wedding as long as she was put together well.0 -
I don't think anyone was calling you a bad friend...But I do think that if you want her to be in your wedding, then you can help pay for her! And, if you don't really want her to be in your wedding, then tell her ASAP!I know a lot of people who have paid for everything, absolutely everything, bridesmaids, groomsmen, father and mother of the bride clothes etc. I am paying for everything for my bridesmaids but that was my decision and I don't think it is rude for you to ask them to pay, I just think it is best not to assume they know you want them to pay.
I disagree. In the US, it's known by every girl that the bridesmaid pays for her dress, shoes, makeup, hair, etc. unless the bride says otherwise. There's no reason the bride should have to pay for it since there is a good chance she's paying for the wedding... now if she's not and CAN front the cash or help the bridesmaid pay for it AND wants her in the wedding, fine, that's her choice.
Otherwise, I think it's pretty crappy that the friend probably realizes she won't be able to pay for it and isn't saying anything -- or maybe she has a backup plan the bride just doesn't know about. Either way, first off, it needs to be made clear whether the bride wants her to actually be the maid of honor or not.
Oops! Sorry, I didn't realise it was different :blushing: I wish that was the case here... I'm paying for the wedding AND all that extra stuff! I don't mind too much though, just cut down some of the less important things 0 -
Yeah, I think the focus should be on who you really want as your MOH. The rest can be dealt with when you make that decision. Its not really beneficial to even focus on that at this point. You need to make a dicision and stand up for yourself.
If you continue to let her think she is your MOH, thats only going to be more hurtful. It was probably an honest assumption that she would be. I suppose I would make the same assumption, (I have already), for when my best friend gets married. But if thats not the case, that needs to be clear from the get go.
As for paying, I would think a destination wedding would be paid for by the bride. But thats just me. Otherwise, you can't really worry about who can afford it and who can't. Most people nowadays can't. I was in my cousins wedding, I had to pay for everything. For myself and my daughter, she was the flower girl. Her dress cost more than mine! Unfortunately, I had to present our being in the wedding party as my wedding gift because after all that, I couldn't afford a gift. She preferred our presence in the wedding over a gift anyway. Thats just the truth.0 -
WOW Thanks for being blunt. I know I am being a little ***** about it. I guess I didn't get my point accross. My EVERY single wedding I have been in (including hers) I had to pay for EVERYTHING! So if I am being a "bad" friend for expecting her to pay for her room and board, and her dress then I guess every single person I have ever been in a wedding for is a VERY BAD FRIEND, including her.
I definitely wasn't implying you're a bad friend. Your "If this makes someone a bad friend & everyone else is a bad friend then it's okay for me to be a bad friend, too" logic made me LOL (note: this is said in good natured jest, of course!).
What I was specifically saying is that if *my* "best" friend had feelings about me that are similar to how you feel about your friend; and if she had no interest in helping me afford to be in her wedding (assuming she actually wanted me there), then yes, I would feel like she was not only a bad friend but a bad person in general and someone I wouldn't want to be around (which is why we'd no longer be friends).
I don't know about paying your own way for destination weddings. It's not something I would ever even consider asking my wedding guests to do, let alone people I had *asked* to be in the actual wedding. I realize this is me. And I realize you said you did not ask her to be in your wedding (which makes me wonder why this post even exists -- if you don't want her to be in your wedding then tell her. From what you've explained it sounds as though you may need to even reassess if this woman is actually even your friend at all.).
If I were you (I'm trying the empathy thing here), I'd take a deep breath, be honest with my friend, and then refocus my attention on my future marriage rather than bs wedding drama. That's just me -- there's a reason dh and I eloped. :laugh:0 -
I'm going to reiterate a lot of what's been said, but here we go...
FIRST make sure that YOU want her as your MOH. It sounds almost as if you're searching for problems, and since you never officially asked her, I can't say I blame you. If you don't want her as your MOH, you need to tell her NOW! You can even use some excuse, as others have mentioned, such as being concerned for her finances or choosing a female family member instead.
If you do want her to be your MOH, the next discussion needs to be about finances. Be clear about what expenses she'll be responsible for, give estimates if possible. Express concern for her finances. Bottom line, you don't want to find out too late.
Finally, don't ask her to lose weight for your wedding. As others have said, tell her you're concerned for her health, or ask her to help you work out, but it's rude to just straight-up tell her that you want her to be skinnier for your day.
And I have been in 3 weddings, and I paid for all of them....more accurately, my parents paid for all of them, since 2 were when I was a kid and the 3rd was my freshman fall and I couldn't afford the dress. :laugh: And I will be missing my high school best friend's wedding this fall because I can't afford to fly home for it.
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Duuuuuude! I didn't even bother reading your entire thread because 1) I was smacking myself in the forehead rather quickly after reading about your "dilemma" and 2) you need spell check and/or an editor like you think your pal needs to lose weight. I hate to sound harsh (nah, I like sounding harsh once in a while), but once you learn how to correctly use the English language and once your friend gets some healthy habits you are gonna be good to go. Besides, I was a bit bummed to read about your self-imposed vanity, because from the title of the post alone, I was thinking you were talking about a physical issue (i.e. varicose veins). Good luck with the wedding, but most of all.....good luck with YOU. I understand where you are coming from, but take this advice: it's not the wedding that's the big deal in your union. It's the marriage. So put your mental effort into that. And as for your MOH, help her in a positive way with correctly spelled words with their intended usage.0
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:noway:So I am getting married next May and my MOH is very overweight, is it mean if I ask her to loose a few pounds? She has always been up and down with her weight, and now she has gotten up there, I would say she is at least 40 lbs over weight. I do want her to be healthy, and I would like her to look good in the dress I decided to pick out for her. Is that vein?
Also she doesn't have a job, and I am doing a destination wedding so she will need money for 1. the dress, 2. home and board, 3. eatting, 4. extras. So when would be a good time to tell ask her if she is going to be able to afford all this? She has been very irresponable with the job front lately and she can go months and months without a job, she is living with her parents again. We have been friends for over 18 years (since I was 9), but I dont konw if she will be able to be in my wedding.
Ok so I am sounding swallow. You guys are right. I never wanted to ask her to loose weight, and I have asked her to join me on here to get healthy. My fiance is the one who wanted to me ask her to loose weight, I felt that would be rude. I am mostely concerned about the money issue with her. She wanted to be my MOH, since we have been best freinds since we were 9.0 -
MOH = Maid of Honor. There is no Mother In Law in this problem (yet! That will come later. :bigsmile: )0
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Really? We're going to act like spelling and grammar is the main concern here? REALLY? Wtf ...0
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omg I have a headache now:yawn:
why oh why oh why do I get involved in 'these' types of threads:laugh: :sad: they suck me in and then I end up editing everything out because in the big scheme of things in life it's just NOT that important in mine!
Now off to work this excess stress/energy off:smokin:0 -
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http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/107835-stupid-news?hl=stupid+news#posts-1486656
Just thought I'd lighten the mood a little.0 -
OMG! OMG! This is exactly what this thread needed, the throbbing pain in my head is begining to subside a bit.http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/107835-stupid-news?hl=stupid+news#posts-1486656
Just thought I'd lighten the mood a little.
Thanks Holly:bigsmile:0
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