Am I being vein???

ZebraHead

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

This is new information then. You are in a bit of a pickle as they say. How long have you allowed this 'friend' to think she was your MOH?

KarenECunningham

Since she is your Maid of Honor (I am guessing that is what MOH is) she must mean a lot to you. When you really care about someone then how they look shouldn't matter even for your wedding. When my daughter got married her bridal party were all different sizes and shapes but since we chose a simple dress in a lovely color (I had them made by a seamstress) and everyone had their hair up and make up on,they were all beautiful and the pictures are lovely. Each one of the girls meant a lot to me and my daughter and when I look at the pictures all I see is a vision of beautiful young women who because of their different coloring, sizes, height, and shapes complement the pictures in their own unique way. I wouldn't ask if your friend can afford to be in the wedding but I would let her know the costs up front and let her work that out on her own. Is there anyway you can help by paying for her dress or some other way? Your wedding is special to you of course and I understand you would probably like everything to be perfect but it is for one day and you don't want to lose sight of your friendships. After the wedding is over you will still need your friends (husbands are great and I absolutely adore mine) but we need our girlfriends too. Nothing is more precious than a lifelong friend and it is rare to have a friendship that has lasted like yours. :flowerforyou:

wolvenchic

Eek, if there was that much trouble, I think you should have reconsidered your choice in MOH. I think it would be extremely inappropriate to ask her to loose weight. However, if you feel like she needs to be healthier, mention that *you* need a workout buddy, see how she reacts, if she says no, you have your answer. As for the costs for the wedding, you really should consider if its the right thing to invite her, as her friend... it is also your responsibility to make sure you are helping her out too..if she cannot afford all this, then explain the situation and find another bridesmaid if you are not willing to pay it - dont put her in a financial bind because of *your* special day. That would strain a friendship heavily, and in my opinion, would probably not be worth it.

As for your wedding, I really hope all goes well, just try and keep in mind that the wedding is about you and your hub to be sharing a special day with people. Its going to be your big day, however, it is only one day and is the start of a commitment. If she is your friend, she would understand if you cant afford to bring her, but in return, if your her friend and know all of this - you need to realize how much you are asking of her all for one day that isnt even about her.

zeala

I think you're being more self centered than vain. I'd be absolutely appalled if my even best friend would ask me to lose weight for the wedding. And lets face it, it's mostly for the wedding now and not so much for her health.

If you've invited her and told her what the costs are, then she should be aware of it. If in the end she can't make it, then she can't make it, but it's not your business to get into her finances either, unless she asks for it.

I know I sound harsh, but I think you need to mind your own business in these two things at least.

mstarrett01

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

How does that happen?

She is my best friend and figured she would be the MOH. The second I told her I was engaged and when I was getting married she has been wanting to plan and keeps saying she is the MOH. Never once did "Will you be my MOH" come out of my mouth.

lilmissy2

I think it would be rude to ask her to lose weight. If YOU want her in your wedding (do you??), then I think she should be there, regardless of weight and that you would regret her not being there more than you would care in the long run whether she looked how you wanted her to in photos. If you don't want her to be the MOH then perhaps you need to have a genuine discussion with her about that.

As for the money side of it, I think you need to be clear from the beginning of what you expect. I know a lot of bridesmaids have everything paid for them by the bride (or family) so she may not even have considered that she would have to pay. (Perhaps this could be a scapegoat if you don't want her as your MOH... yes, I realise that is terrible but I also appreciate how difficult it would be for you to tell someone that perhaps they have overestimated your investment in your relationship)

Best of luck to you!

hroush

If you are worried about her not looking right in the dress that you picked, I think she would also be able to figure out that it won't look right and may want to change for that purpose.

Another possibility is if you heart is not dead-set on this dress, maybe you could just pick the color and let her choose the dress. This is what my wife had her bride-maids do as they ranged from a size 0 to 24. It would not be fair to try to put them all in the same dress, so she just told them blue velvet, full length, and from David's Bridal (winter wedding). The pictures turned out marvelously and some people didn't even realize that they weren't wearing the same dress.

The final question is, which is more important to you, your best friend or how she looks in a dress? If you ask this of your friend, you could very well lose her, or at least your relationship will not be the same.

Laceylala

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

This is your problem to fix. If you want another girl to be your MOH, then that is definitely in your control to make happen. To me after reading this comment it sounds like you didn't want her to be your MOH in the first place and when she suggested that she was you are maybe trying to find reasons to force her to quit?
I'm not saying this to be rude to you by any means, it just seems that you are frustrated with the situation, and worried to boot about the reliability of your MOH.
I think you have every right to be concerned about her making the trip but you also have to trust that if she says she can do it then good, but maybe have a backup plan just in case. As far as her losing weight, no unfortunately that is not something you have a right to ask of her. I like another posters suggestion that you work WITH her to lose weight by encouraging her to work out with you, etc.
I guess at the end of the day, what you need to decide is what her friendship means to you and if your wedding means more. Weddings are one day in a lifetime, can you live with her being overweight and standing next to you as a good and true friend? Or can you live with a lifetime of remembering that you asked her to stepdown? Either way you need to be happy and at peace with your decision.
Good luck and congrats!

Phoenix_Rising

I've been in 11 weddings (including my own and one coming up in October). If any of the brides had said that me, I highly doubt that we would still be friends and I most definitely would have backed out of the wedding.

The money issue is another thing. I just had to tell a good friend last night that I could not be in her wedding next June. She's getting married on a cruise and it’s just not financially feasible for my husband and I. When you chose to have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared that not everyone you want to be there will be able to make it.

I've been in 12 weddings now. Had any bride ever asked me to lose any weight, I would have dropped the friendship immediately as well. Yes, that is being vain. She is either your best friend who you want beside you as you plan this wedding and get married, or she is not. Her weight has nothing to do with her position beside you.

I had to back out of a wedding earlier this month (I backed out in January) due to lacking finances to be the MOH. I couldn't afford the dress, the shoes, or throwing the showers. I think you do need to discuss this with her, and let her know that if she decides to back out, it would be best to tell you MUCH sooner than later (for wedding planning purposes) and that you will be completely understanding of her financial situation. As far as you paying, let her know that under the financial pressures of paying for your wedding, you don't have a lot of cash to offer to pay much for her to be in the wedding.

Phoenix_Rising

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

How does that happen?

She is my best friend and figured she would be the MOH. The second I told her I was engaged and when I was getting married she has been wanting to plan and keeps saying she is the MOH. Never once did "Will you be my MOH" come out of my mouth.

OH MY!

Crysta1976

If it were me - I would be very offended if someone asked me to be in their wedding then asked if I could lose some weight. You picked her because of your relationship to you, not because of how she looks or that she could be skinny. I don't know about her, but a majority of people I know want to look good for weddings and do make an attempt to lose any extra weight they may have. However, if that's not her - it would be pretty rude. On the other hand, she is your friend - how do you think she'd take that request.

As for the money - she needs to be able to handle it. Maybe ask if she's ok with all that. Tell her you really want her to go and be your MOH but know that its expensive. Ask her if you can help her with anything, job-wise or even money if you are willing. Otherwise, think about who you might want as backup.

I never asked her to be in my wedding, she pretty much made herself my MOH

Does she know how you feel about her? Because, quite honestly, I wouldn't want to be your MOH. Maybe she feels obligated...or maybe just assumed she was it??

I was "overlooked" as my best friends MOH because I couldn't afford the responsibility. But she didn't tell me that was why she didn't ask me. She didn't tell me anything...so I felt "overlooked". Months after the wedding, she told me why. I was still a little hurt, but I totally understood. I would have wanted to be the best at it, because she deserved it..and that just wouldn't have been possible. Had I heard it was because of weight...I would have been pissed! (though, that wasn't for me back then)

I think you need to have talk with her...NICELY... addressing your concern for ability to afford the responsibility. But addressing her weight because you don't think she looks good enough to be in your wedding is just wrong...on so many levels!

mstarrett01

I think it would be rude to ask her to lose weight. If YOU want her in your wedding (do you??), then I think she should be there, regardless of weight and that you would regret her not being there more than you would care in the long run whether she looked how you wanted her to in photos. If you don't want her to be the MOH then perhaps you need to have a genuine discussion with her about that.

As for the money side of it, I think you need to be clear from the beginning of what you expect. I know a lot of bridesmaids have everything paid for them by the bride (or family) so she may not even have considered that she would have to pay. (Perhaps this could be a scapegoat if you don't want her as your MOH... yes, I realise that is terrible but I also appreciate how difficult it would be for you to tell someone that perhaps they have overestimated your investment in your relationship)

Best of luck to you!

Wow I have never had anything paid for me when I was in a wedding. I always had to pay for EVERYTHING! Wish I was in the weddings you were talking about.

mstarrett01

WOW thanks guys, you really did make me see what I look like. But I really wasn't going to EVER ask her to loose weight. And of course I never will.

LittleSpy

I took a minute to reflect on your post and came up with this very honest (albeit blunt) response:

If my very best friend said to me, "Hey, I'm getting married. I hate how fat you are and you're also going to have to pay for everything yourself if you want to come" yeah..... we wouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly because if she said/thought something like that, I'd realize she's not someone with whom I'd want to be friends in the first place. And if that was the case, why in the world would I want to pay money to go to her wedding?

1. It would be extremely rude and hurtful for you to suggest she needed to lose weight in order to look "good" at your wedding.
2. I personally find it very rude to expect her to pay to be a part of your wedding. Your wedding is YOUR expense, not hers.
3. The definition of vain is being overly concerned/proud about your own appearance so no, you're not being vain (nor vein). The way you're coming across here, however, is childish and selfish among many other adjectives.
4. If you don't want her to be your Maid of Honor, you should communicate that with her. Choose someone rich and beautiful and then all your problems are solved!

RedneckWmn

I think it would be rude to ask her to lose weight. If YOU want her in your wedding (do you??), then I think she should be there, regardless of weight and that you would regret her not being there more than you would care in the long run whether she looked how you wanted her to in photos. If you don't want her to be the MOH then perhaps you need to have a genuine discussion with her about that.

As for the money side of it, I think you need to be clear from the beginning of what you expect. I know a lot of bridesmaids have everything paid for them by the bride (or family) so she may not even have considered that she would have to pay. (Perhaps this could be a scapegoat if you don't want her as your MOH... yes, I realise that is terrible but I also appreciate how difficult it would be for you to tell someone that perhaps they have overestimated your investment in your relationship)

Best of luck to you!

Wow I have never had anything paid for me when I was in a wedding. I always had to pay for EVERYTHING! Wish I was in the weddings you were talking about.

Everybody is different. I know in the South it's customary for the bride to pay for the bridesmaid dresses etc. However, that's not everybody.

aippolito1

Definitely agree with littlespy. if you never wanted her to be the maid of honor, TELL her she's not going to be the MOH, you have someone in mind. Or discuss with her that you wanted to ask her (if you did) and then tell her you're just concerned she won't be able to afford the dress, shoes, whatever you require her to pay for and that's why you haven't asked until now. Otherwise, you're stuck with someone as your maid of honor who you either didn't want in the first place or who is going to be like "I can't afford it...think you can spot me?" or cause a bunch of drama because she's broke and jobless.

RoadDog

Are you having an Open Bar?

mstarrett01

I took a minute to reflect on your post and came up with this very honest (albeit blunt) response:

If my very best friend said to me, "Hey, I'm getting married. I hate how fat you are and you're also going to have to pay for everything yourself if you want to come" yeah..... we wouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly because if she said/thought something like that, I'd realize she's not someone with whom I'd want to be friends in the first place. And if that was the case, why in the world would I want to pay money to go to her wedding?

1. It would be extremely rude and hurtful for you to suggest she needed to lose weight in order to look "good" at your wedding.
2. I personally find it very rude to expect her to pay to be a part of your wedding. Your wedding is YOUR expense, not hers.
3. The definition of vain is being overly concerned/proud about your own appearance so no, you're not being vain (nor vein). The way you're coming across here, however, is childish and selfish among many other adjectives.
4. If you don't want her to be your Maid of Honor, you should communicate that with her. Choose someone rich and beautiful and then all your problems are solved!

WOW Thanks for being blunt. I know I am being a little ***** about it. I guess I didn't get my point accross. My EVERY single wedding I have been in (including hers) I had to pay for EVERYTHING! So if I am being a "bad" friend for expecting her to pay for her room and board, and her dress then I guess every single person I have ever been in a wedding for is a VERY BAD FRIEND, including her.

mstarrett01

I took a minute to reflect on your post and came up with this very honest (albeit blunt) response:

If my very best friend said to me, "Hey, I'm getting married. I hate how fat you are and you're also going to have to pay for everything yourself if you want to come" yeah..... we wouldn't be friends anymore. Mostly because if she said/thought something like that, I'd realize she's not someone with whom I'd want to be friends in the first place. And if that was the case, why in the world would I want to pay money to go to her wedding?

1. It would be extremely rude and hurtful for you to suggest she needed to lose weight in order to look "good" at your wedding.
2. I personally find it very rude to expect her to pay to be a part of your wedding. Your wedding is YOUR expense, not hers.
3. The definition of vain is being overly concerned/proud about your own appearance so no, you're not being vain (nor vein). The way you're coming across here, however, is childish and selfish among many other adjectives.
4. If you don't want her to be your Maid of Honor, you should communicate that with her. Choose someone rich and beautiful and then all your problems are solved!

WOW Thanks for being blunt. I know I am being a little ***** about it. I guess I didn't get my point accross. My EVERY single wedding I have been in (including hers) I had to pay for EVERYTHING! So if I am being a "bad" friend for expecting her to pay for her room and board, and her dress then I guess every single person I have ever been in a wedding for is a VERY BAD FRIEND, including her.

leavinglasvegas

Are you having an Open Bar?

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: