Convincing spouse to lose weight?
MamaBear5445
Posts: 61 Member
My wonderful husband really should lose some weight. He is significantly obese but is under the impression that he's at a healthy weight and would look frail if weighed 225lbs (weight to be considered just "overweight.")
Any advice?
Any advice?
0
Replies
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If your husband were to tell you to lose weight, or to build more muscles, work out more, whatever. Would you follow that advice, and follow it with lots of joy and motivation? I'm not sure asking him to lose weight.
To actually take the step requires lots of motivation and realizing that the status quo is not good enough. Just wanting to lose weight is not a very motivational thing. Even if a doctor tells you that you should really lose some weight does not provide the right kind of motivation to most people. Having a disease that really requires weightloss: maybe. Thus a first step might be to talk to your gp and then get your husband to go for a health check. But then he needs more that motivates HIM to actually do it. Be fit enough to play with children/grand children? Go on a big hike across a proper mountain range? No idea. That's something he needs to decide for himself.7 -
Encourage an annual wellness check. Make the appt for him if necessary. Getting blood work done and learning from a professional about his health risks may encourage action. Maybe he'll qualify for the ozempic/wegovy stuff?
Does he consume too much beer? Cookies/snacks? Fast food? If it's food related, who prepares most meals? If it's you, make healthier meals and portion sizes, and if you're doing shopping, buy fewer snacks, or healthier snacks. If he wants to eat something different, he'll have to put in the effort. Ease into that though.
At the end of the day, real change is going to have to come from him choosing to make that change.4 -
Yeah...I can't imagine any conversation regarding someone else's weight that ends with, "Oh, you are so right. I had no idea. What would I do without you telling me? Thank you. Now, I'm going to lose that weight!"
I just can't see how this will go well for you.10 -
cmriverside wrote: »Yeah...I can't imagine any conversation regarding someone else's weight that ends with, "Oh, you are so right. I had no idea. What would I do without you telling me? Thank you. Now, I'm going to lose that weight!"
I just can't see how this will go well for you.
I can but there's heavy sarcasm involved.7 -
Yep, like it or not, you can't really convince someone to lose weight. They have to make that choice on their own. As far as Retroguy's idea of healthier portion sizes... well... if a significant other were to try and pull that with me... they wouldn't just be sleeping on the couch, they'd be sleeping on the curb. I'll eat as much as I like.2
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Don’t go there. Your husband’s weight is his business.2
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The only way to even remotely approach this is from a health standpoint. When I started I got some bad news from my Dr in regards to what my physical health was (at 38) and how that was likely going to affect me going forward...and he basically told me I'd most likely be very sick by the time I was 60 if I didn't change some things...he never actually mentioned weight itself.
Around that same time my wife brought it up as well because our 2nd son had just been born and she could just tell that I was physically not doing particularly great and she brought up concerns about having to raise two boys on her own if my health continued to deteriorate, etc.
Between the two conversations and looking at my infant son and two your old, that got me going...nobody specifically mentioned my weight though. I didn't actually go into this specifically trying to lose weight...just better nutrition and regular exercise. Losing weight just kind of happened when I started eating more fish and chicken and less fatty cuts of meat...started eating my veg and fruit, cut out soda, and cut way back on beer and started doing some kind of exercise regularly (initially it was just going for a walk everyday with my wife).
She was also a good example in regards to just eating better, watching portion sizes, cutting out junky snacks, and walking with me everyday (eventually jogging) and ultimately joining the gym with me. We go our separate ways these days in regards to exercise with different interests, but we developed our habits together for a good 6 months or so and held each other accountable...of course, we had discussed all of this before hand.11 -
herringboxes wrote: »Don’t go there. Your husband’s weight is his business.
Husband to me implies more than just one person in the team. Is the husband's credit card debt his business only? The wife's gambling addiction?
Not saying that the ending will be happy. Or that it can be done .
Just that there's levels. An expensive coffee once a month is not the same as a $20,000 hidden debt.4 -
I agree with others that weight loss is a commitment that can only be made by the person doing the losing. No one else can persuade them, IMO. The doctor might deliver news at some point that motivates them, but IMO even a doctor saying "you should lose weight" isn't typically enough, unfortunately.
About the most I think a person can do is have a private, very careful conversation with a loved one about concern for their long term health and well being. I don't know what your situation is, but that's a really hard point to make unless the person speaking is on an objectively good path in those ways. (It's not less legit, but it's less convincing.)
For sure, many people here mention motivation by a spouse who starts eating better, exercising more, losing weight, getting healthier, and generally thriving better - an example rather than a talk.
(Am I married? No. I was for 20+ years, then widowed at 43. He'd been quite overweight at times, but not consistently, and I was happy with him either way. He died at 45 from a cancer unrelated to body weight, and he was physically fit and slim when it began.)7 -
If I've made someone a meal and they dislike it so much they expect me to sleep on the couch, they can make their own in future, and it'll be them on the couch.sollyn23l2 wrote: »Yep, like it or not, you can't really convince someone to lose weight. They have to make that choice on their own. As far as Retroguy's idea of healthier portion sizes... well... if a significant other were to try and pull that with me... they wouldn't just be sleeping on the couch, they'd be sleeping on the curb. I'll eat as much as I like.
I'm reminded here of my aunt and uncle. True story. She's not the best of cooks apparently, but regardless she was the one doing the cooking, and one day he said this is trash and actually threw the meal in the trash. She was livid. Refused to ever prepare any food for him again until he apologized. Months went by. Her and her daughters cooking, leaving their leftovers in the fridge that he couldn't touch, and he'd come home from work and have to prepare his own food. As she said, the longer this went on, the bigger the apology would have to be. He caved in the end. I think it cost him a foreign vacation.6 -
Retroguy2000 wrote: »
If I've made someone a meal and they dislike it so much they expect me to sleep on the couch, they can make their own in future, and it'll be them on the couch.sollyn23l2 wrote: »Yep, like it or not, you can't really convince someone to lose weight. They have to make that choice on their own. As far as Retroguy's idea of healthier portion sizes... well... if a significant other were to try and pull that with me... they wouldn't just be sleeping on the couch, they'd be sleeping on the curb. I'll eat as much as I like.
I'm reminded here of my aunt and uncle. True story. She's not the best of cooks apparently, but regardless she was the one doing the cooking, and one day he said this is trash and actually threw the meal in the trash. She was livid. Refused to ever prepare any food for him again until he apologized. Months went by. Her and her daughters cooking, leaving their leftovers in the fridge that he couldn't touch, and he'd come home from work and have to prepare his own food. As she said, the longer this went on, the bigger the apology would have to be. He caved in the end. I think it cost him a foreign vacation.
How is someone enjoying the food you've cooked so much that they want to eat more than you're willing to let them "disliking" the meat you've cooked?2 -
Thanks everyone for sharing your responses. A lot of insight given. I am concerned about his health (heart attacks run in the family).6
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MamaBear5445 wrote: »Thanks everyone for sharing your responses. A lot of insight given. I am concerned about his health (heart attacks run in the family).
You can try telling him how you feel, how you're worried, how (presumably) you don't want to lose him. If he doesn't have adequate life insurance (especially if you have children who aren't fully launched), you can ask him about budgeting for more life insurance.
But it's unlikely to be effective for you to tell him that you think he needs to lose weight. At some level, even if he won't admit it out loud, he knows he needs to lose weight.
And if you are responsible for meals and start trying to control him by what you serve, don't be surprised if he starts stopping somewhere on the way home to get food. Or sneaking it into the house to eat in the middle of the night. He's already making the decision multiple times a day, conscious or not, that eating what he wants in that moment is more important to him than just about anything else in his life, especially long-term things. That's not likely to change because you decide to cut his servings in half and eliminate the things he thinks are tasty.4 -
They said their spouse would be sleeping on the curb...lynn_glenmont wrote: »How is someone enjoying the food you've cooked so much that they want to eat more than you're willing to let them "disliking" the meat you've cooked?
I know they were joking, but telling someone to leave the house and not sleep at home sure sounds like disliking to me.2 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »MamaBear5445 wrote: »Thanks everyone for sharing your responses. A lot of insight given. I am concerned about his health (heart attacks run in the family).
You can try telling him how you feel, how you're worried, how (presumably) you don't want to lose him. If he doesn't have adequate life insurance (especially if you have children who aren't fully launched), you can ask him about budgeting for more life insurance.
But it's unlikely to be effective for you to tell him that you think he needs to lose weight. At some level, even if he won't admit it out loud, he knows he needs to lose weight.
And if you are responsible for meals and start trying to control him by what you serve, don't be surprised if he starts stopping somewhere on the way home to get food. Or sneaking it into the house to eat in the middle of the night. He's already making the decision multiple times a day, conscious or not, that eating what he wants in that moment is more important to him than just about anything else in his life, especially long-term things. That's not likely to change because you decide to cut his servings in half and eliminate the things he thinks are tasty.
I would think there might be some lightening up of tasty foods, recipes, and meals that would be modestly helpful, short of "cut his servings in half and eliminate things he thinks are tasty".
I didn't "cut my servings in half and eliminate things I think are tasty" in order to lose weight. (Maybe you did?)
I ate somewhat less, used less oil in cooking, substituted to reduce calories at similar taste (things like plain Greek yogurt for sour cream), cut down on calorie dense desserts, and that sort of thing.
I'm not saying the cook in a house could sneak in every change needed to cut weight all the way without the other person noticing, but I think there are options that aren't as extreme, punitive and obvious as you seem to be suggesting.9 -
MamaBear5445 wrote: »My wonderful husband really should lose some weight. He is significantly obese but is under the impression that he's at a healthy weight and would look frail if weighed 225lbs (weight to be considered just "overweight.")
Any advice?
You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. And you are just going to cause strife in your marriage. He has to want to lose weight. If he's not motivated, it won't work. You can't make someone be motivated.
What you can do- Ask him to take a leisurely walk in the neighborhood. Not as exercise, but just as a time together. It's also safer to walk together. Make it a family walk. Nothing hardcore. No workout clothes. Try to make it a fun thing to do together. YOu can always do a second walk later if you need more steps. This should be fun only. All exercise is useful.
- If you make meals half the week, then make sure the meals you make are super tasty and healthier. He is unlikely to cook a 2nd meal. He'll eat the family meal. On his night, let him make whatever ever wants.
- Does he have a sport he loves? If so, encourage him to go play golf, join a softball league, go deer hunting, or play weekend soccer. It just has to be something he loves to do. Don't force it if he says no. Maybe he has a guy friend that does a shooting range---any activity is good activity. Encourage him to spend some guy time with his friends doing something active that he really enjoys.
Basically, just make healthier food and activity a part of the week. No talk of weight, of losing weight, or pressure to do something he really doesn't want to do.
He may lose weight. He may not. But if he's doing something he loves that is active and eating healthier a few times a week, he'll still be healthier.
If it is truly his health you worry about, don't talk about weight. Weight talk will get you pushback. You can just say simply,
"With the history of heart attacks in your family, I worry about you. For my peace of mind, would you have a talk with your doctor about your overall heart health the next time you go in? It would make me feel better if your doctor said your heart is healthy. I worry and I don't want to lose you. Now, turn on the movie, it's getting late."
Simple. Straight-forward. Asking for a medical opinion. If the doc says he's healthy, great. If not, then the doctor will talk to him. Don't make his weight a fight in your marriage.
Just a thought.5 -
I have a loved one in my household that has gained a lot of weight and is having some health consequences because of it. The thing I keep coming back to when I want to tell them all the reasons they should lose weight is the way I have felt for most of my life with people doing the same to me. I remember the shame I've lived in and how I felt like I would only be loveable if I lost enough weight. What has made all the difference for me has been having a loving, supportive partner, a very clear weight related health issue (pre-diabetes) in addition to possibility of other health related issues, and the assurance that I'm going to be supported even when I fail.
I think all of these have been mentioned by others, but my approach with my loved one is:- Taking care of myself first.
- Not allowing my eating/weight to define me as a person and extending the same attitude to them.
- Inviting my loved one to join me on walks.
- Cooking more often so the wide world of less healthy take-out/eating out happens less often.
- Substituting healthier versions (brown rice vs white rice) but being willing to switch back if the healthier version is "rejected". 50% healthier options accepted is better than 0% healthier options attempted or eaten.
- Serving up a calorie controlled portion but not making a big deal of it if they go back for seconds.
- Not having "easy" less healthy options in the house as often (ice cream, boxed cake/brownie mix, etc) but not making a big deal if they want to put in the effort to make something from scratch or go out for a treat.
- Looking for ways to celebrate and show love that don't involve food.
- Being transparent about my weight related health issues and how I'm working to resolve them without the implied "and you really should do something about your weight too".
- Modeling a lifestyle that still includes "treats" like ice cream and going out to eat, but supports a healthier weight.
- Finding activities that burn calories/build strength that they enjoy and participating with them even if it's not my favorite.
- Focusing more on supporting their emotional/mental health than worrying about their physical health.
- Making sure they are convinced that they are worthy of my love regardless of their weight so that if I do bring up their weight they know it's from a place of love. This means I don't bring it up or cut the conversation off if they are showing that they are hearing "I'd love you (more) if you lost weight".
I know this can be extra hard with a spouse, since their weight/health/energy have such a big impact on you. I think conversations that focus on the small changes you would like to see him try might be more effective than the big "I want you to lose weight", especially if you're offering to make it a joint effort.- I'd really like to spend more time (insert physical activity) with you. Can we plan to do that this Tuesday and Thursday?
- I'd like to try some new recipes. I'd like you to rate them on a scale of 1-10 and we can put anything with an 8 or higher into our meal rotation.
- I feel like we're always eating on the run or in front of the TV. I'd like to try to have a sit down/ electronics free meal x nights a week. If you catch me on my phone/turning on the TV on those nights I owe you xyz.
- Is there a healthy habit that you've wanted to try to build that I could support you in?
Hopefully something like this can help your hubby make some changes that will ultimately lead to him getting to a place where he finds his own motivation.11 -
What someone else said: do a walk around the neighbourhood with him. Though to be honest, if someone told me "lets walk around the neighbourhood" I'd think: why? There's nothing interesting there. Maybe try to find an active hobby that you'd enjoy doing and that he'd enjoy as well. See if he comes along. Then he might still be overweight but have some exercise even if it might not feel that way. Being overweight is not good for the heart, but being inactive isn't either. Thus you could potentially nudge him carefully into a somewhat healthier lifestyle.2
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What someone else said: do a walk around the neighbourhood with him. Though to be honest, if someone told me "lets walk around the neighbourhood" I'd think: why?.
Movement:
Have you got lakes/hills/scenic towns/other interesting places near home (30/60 minutes driving)?
When I proposed my husband to come walking with me, he was very little interested, but then I found two other ways:
1) in spring/summer/autumn beginning, almost every Sat/Sun we have a trip. Nothing major, we leave around 8 and return before 15, so there's time for errands and so on, but one or two mornings a week are just ours, for walking in beautiful landscapes. Lakes perimeter walking, picturesque towns, hills hiking ("Dear, it's so hot, I really need fresh air and forests"...) and so on. To *these* walkings, he's always ready; in fact, often the proposals came directly from him (alternative: sometimes, we go for cycle rides here in the neighbourhood);
2) since our breakfast is in any case a sweet, I proposed going to a bar for croissant and coffee. We both work from home, so it has been simple ("I need to go out before starting work, see people and breath real air"). I chose a coffee not far but not too close, so with go and return it's about 3500 steps. Not much, but better than nothing, and the croissant is earned.
Meals:
As others above, I also am losing weight without eliminating any kind of food: I still eat my sweets (see croissant for breakfast); my loved pizza once a week; my loved pasta and so on. I didn't eliminate anything and didn't reduce portions, both because I know I wouldn't resist for life and because I think it has no sense: life is one, I want to enjoy it!
What I did, for me, has been introducing more and more vegetables; more fish; and use the "plate diet" (you know, in a meal always put 50% vegetables etc?). We ate healthy also before, but in the last year I improved my cooking making it "very" healthy.
And, since "I really need to eat better/healthier" and "I'd like to lose a pair of kilos" and "wow, I've discovered a recipe for - fish/vegetables/soup - that sounds wonderful, this evening I'll try it out" etc, my husband had always been very open to my experiments, and he also eats a lot better than one year ago ;-)
So, while I'm going healthier and losing my kilos (slowly, 6 kilos in 7 months, but without any renounce and with a lot of fun, so I know I can do it forever), my husband is doing the same, as a consequence.5 -
I've lived in very different places. But I do need an ulterior motive to go on a walk. Just going on a walk doesn't really do it for me. Never did. Either some sightseeing is involved or I go geocaching. Or combine both.0
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In my experience this is a no-win conversation, for anyone involved until your husband decides that he want to lose weight on his own. And will likely end in hurt feelings, harsh words, and feelings of inadequacy. My advice would be to lead by example......you work on you, and let him see how much better you feel, how good your numbers at the doctors are, how other people notice you .......ect. And maybe that will be enough for him to think "hey maybe I should do that too".2
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As many of us have said, the decision ultimately will be his.
My father-in-law told us of his doctor's visit:
"You need to lose weight. Heart/health/etc. Now, this is a joint effort. I've told you that you need to lose weight. The rest is up to you."1 -
I disagree that the husbands weight is the husbands business. Sure, he's the only one who can change it, but it sounds like the poster is concerned he'll wind up with an early death, and that does affect the OP quite significantly IMO. For some people, maybe weight loss for loved ones is a better way to start if you don't have the self-confidence/self-worth to do it for yourself (I know people who've started a journey for their kids or even to support their mum!). Emphasising your own worries is probably the way to go, this underlines that you want them around for as long as possible, rather than allowing them to draw any conclusions about anything else.
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I like walking in my neighborhood, but I live in an active neighborhood. Bicyclers, people on porches, driveway grills, evictions, kids on electric scooters.
But you can also go to a weekend knife show, gun show, car show--these are often free and lots of walking--and depending on the event--people will go with you.
My sister like to go window shopping on her walks so she drives to the outdoor mall.
My brother is cheap--so he wants to to the store. Not a scenic walk, but he saves on gas.
Maybe he likes to bike ride? Might be fun to go riding at the park some days.1 -
sollyn23l2 wrote: »Yep, like it or not, you can't really convince someone to lose weight. They have to make that choice on their own. As far as Retroguy's idea of healthier portion sizes... well... if a significant other were to try and pull that with me... they wouldn't just be sleeping on the couch, they'd be sleeping on the curb. I'll eat as much as I like.Retroguy2000 wrote: »If I've made someone a meal and they dislike it so much they expect me to sleep on the couch, they can make their own in future, and it'll be them on the couch.
I'm reminded here of my aunt and uncle. True story. She's not the best of cooks apparently, but regardless she was the one doing the cooking, and one day he said this is trash and actually threw the meal in the trash. She was livid. Refused to ever prepare any food for him again until he apologized. Months went by. Her and her daughters cooking, leaving their leftovers in the fridge that he couldn't touch, and he'd come home from work and have to prepare his own food. As she said, the longer this went on, the bigger the apology would have to be. He caved in the end. I think it cost him a foreign vacation.
Um, that's not what she said. She's objecting to someone else determining HER portion size. It has nothing to do with cooking a meal and it not being liked.
I warn my partner, "If you don't like something, but don't tell me, you're going to get it again. If you never want to be served a dish again, let me know."
He hates my Persian rice but failed to tell me that last time
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You edited out a key part of my post:kshama2001 wrote: »Um, that's not what she said. She's objecting to someone else determining HER portion size. It has nothing to do with cooking a meal and it not being liked.
I warn my partner, "If you don't like something, but don't tell me, you're going to get it again. If you never want to be served a dish again, let me know."
He hates my Persian rice but failed to tell me that last time
"If he wants to eat something different, he'll have to put in the effort. Ease into that though."
For example, if my wife has made a meal and I'm still hungry, you know what I do? I go into the pantry and grab something, maybe a few ginger snap cookies, or a rice cake, or a low calorie fudge bar from the freezer. I do not, let me repeat this clearly, I do not tell my wife to GTFO the house and sleep on the curb.4 -
For me, walking in the neighborhood every day is easy: I have a large rescued lab who needs exercise. He gets walked 3 times a day. I get bored sometimes doing the same routes, so try to vary by taking him for hikes when I can, but because I love my dog, his need for exercise is a priority and he gets his walks every single day. That's good because I need it and my husband also needs the exercise. When our previous dog died, we had 6 months without having to walk a dog and I missed the daily walks. So did my husband. I still walked on my own once a day because I had learned to enjoy seeing the transition of the seasons, the flowers, autumn leaves, Halloween and Christmas decorations, etc. but my husband stopped entirely. It wasn't good for him. So when we had healed a bit, we started checking out the shelters for another dog who needed exercise to be happy.6
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Just a thought for your approach.
"I loved you a long time ago. I love you today. I want to love you for a long time to come. Please stay around for a long, long time." THE END. let him stew on that.2 -
When my dad had his first heart attack, my mom bought all the cookbooks, threw out all the bad food, started cooking smaller portions of bland, unsalted, flavorless foods the very next day. Dad didn't say anything, just started going to the Cafe most afternoons. One day french fries, the next day pie, etc. It took them a while to work out a compromise.3
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It’s sounds like he’s at the higher end of his weight range not necessarily overweight? Not sure if I got that right. Without going into too much discussion- I would just encourage him to go for walks with you and prepare healthier meals and snacks. Men always seem to lose weight faster than us. Perhaps just some simple changes rather than challenging him with needing to “diet” might do the trick and be beneficial to both of you.1
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