Does anyone else have Heart Failure here?

kiteflyer105

I feel myself finally getting stronger. It has been 7 days since my last binge or pop. I will finish May strong! My goal is to string together as many wins as possible for not bingeing. I am proud of myself for consistently showing up while in the Eating Disorder Clinic. When you stop your maladaptive behavior, many feelings come back. It is somewhat overwhelming not impossible.

MargaretYakoda

Excellent news!

springlering62

kiteflyer105 wrote: »

…..My goal is to string together as many wins as possible for not bingeing….

Congrats. You get it.


The binges don’t define us. We look, we learn, we shrug our shoulders, and we carry on.

kiteflyer105

(Long post) From the beginning of the Eating Disorder Clinic, I was told this is not a weight loss program. If I treated as such, I would never recover. I needed to focus on Weight Maintenance. After that, I did whatever they would tell me to do. I've had 11 days without bingeing or drinking Coke. I have seen many mind shift changes within myself. I know recovery is possible. This is seriously doable. It is simple not easy. They take a person with BED and make them eat 6 times a day with full nutrition. Even for me, this was too much eating. Then they incorporate desserts and *trigger* binge foods into your food plan. They call them Sparkle foods. You can get support while eating those. I ate my favorite desserts and never wanted to see them again. They recommend exposure therapy, which is eating food in public. This all happens rather slowly. This is the only time I let anyone have control over what I ate, for the first time in my life. It is/was scary, yet worth it.

Most people I encountered with all eating disorders were perfectionistic, had major food rules, and were very rigid. All of us had poor core concepts.

You first deal with your core concepts of yourself. Like, “I am not worthy”. Or, “I am ugly.” You use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to reconstruct your false messages about yourself. Those are lies. Then you substitute new, positive more helpful messages. Repetition is key.

Over time you get used to your hunger and fullness cues at every meal. You use the tools and skills that they teach you like “do the opposite”, mindfulness, radical acceptance, self-compassion, etc. I would say the “The Serenity Prayer” at each meal. You ask yourself, “What do I really want?” Sometimes it is not food. Overall, I feel more control of my eating. They aim for success 80% of the time. I don’t eat fast anymore.

I want to taste the food instead of inhaling it. During a binge, I didn’t even enjoy the food. I pause in between bites now, have a conversation, or just take a time out. I really don’t like massive amounts of food anymore. I stopped my fast-food compulsion; that is the only good thing about the prices going up. I am buying a wok to make Chinese meals. I also use copycat recipes too. This is certainly a more enjoyable way of life without all the stress. The most important thing is we eat a wide variety of foods. This eliminates boredom, and it won’t get stagnant.

I want to eat just enough. I don’t like to be super full anymore. This is rather unpleasant. Many of the rituals I used to have are nonexistent now. It didn’t happen overnight. In total, it will be 3.5 months of recovery then outpatient care. I am glad I stuck to this Every. Single. Day. My eating was never perfect. The first 2 weeks in both inpatient and outpatient were super rough. Yes, I binged. It doesn’t go away overnight. I've had 37 years of practice. If a person wants it bad enough, you can change. It is a lot of work. My insurance footed the bill. Otherwise, this facility is $16,000 a month.

I will never chronically diet again. I will never severely restrict again. I don’t have to… Most weight loss programs don’t work. Only 5% of the population keep the weight off. The diet industry is a $71 billion industry, yet according to studies— 95% of diets fail.

My therapist reports,” They make us find 71,000 ways to hate ourselves.” This has been apart of my life experience. At first, I hated to be away from here, but honestly, I was relieved. I didn’t focus on calories, just my hunger and fullness cues. I am moving towards Intuitive Eating and focusing on nutrition and figuring out what my body needs. I learned that food is just food. There are no bad/ good foods. This is a part of the diet industry mentality.

In all, I am very pleased of the progress I have made. Before, I didn’t think it was possible. The clinical staff said, “Trust the process.” I did and it has made all the difference. When I first started, my BED had 95% of me—the true me was only 5%.

Now, I am 85% the true me and 15% of eating disorder. Given that I continue to work at it, my goal is to be 95% of my true self. I chose to live and consciously choose recovery daily, or I will die. It feels great to finally take care and love myself. I owe a big thanks to God. I prayed at the beginning I couldn’t do this without him. HE didn’t let me down. Realistically, I could have died last year. I am very thankful to be living. Don’t waste your life. Do it now. You are worth it.

I remember thinking in the beginning I didn’t have this in me. I am glad to prove myself wrong.

springlering62

@kiteflyer105

That is a staggeringly insightful and honest post and ought to be pinned somewhere for posterity.

AnnPT77

@kiteflyer105, your recent post is so honest, sincere and insightful! Congratulations on your progress with such a tough thing, and thank you for sharing your story so generously here. It will help people.

kiteflyer105

springlering62 and AnnPT77-Thank you for your kindness--I appreciate it.

I just saw the Sports Med. Dr. this week. He approved PT for my tendonitis and hip bursitis on both sides. He said go low (miles) and slow (pace) and build up slowly. It is such a joy to be mobile. I could barely walk across the street last year without enormously sucking wind, breathing. This was my heart failure in action. The things we take for granted....

I can't believe I have been on here for 8 months! Time flies...

Hope everyone has a successful June. Take good care of yourselves.

I think a key to my recovery is to eat foods that make me feel content. Before, in dieting, it was more about the calories than enjoying my food. Then I would wonder why I would binge so much. Clearly, I was not satisfied.

I am doing Dr. Kristin Neff's 5 day self-compassion challenge. Many of us are hard on ourselves. You talk to yourself as you would a family member or a friend. I challenge everyone to speak lovingly towards yourself. This is on her website. 5-day-challenge-u-turn. Good luck.